Young Writers Society

Can't think,
Can't flinch.
Can't move;
Not an inch.

Please rock me to sleep, now;
Rock me to sleep...
Sing me a lullaby;
Call to my prancing sheep.

Please, read me a story now;
enchanted queens and
talking trees.
Anything, to distract me...
From my twisted thoughts;
from me.

Please, oh, please.

I can barely breathe;
stay near.
For, I'm paralysed;
with fear...
Shadows and monsters; haunting me;
in the place where my dreams should be.

Don't leave my side, for
my nightmares will appear.
But, don't you sneer.
For now, I'm still here...
Oh, how I can hear.

I can't close my ears just yet;
For all I know,
you are the one that I must fear.
But I need you, I need you here...
To wake me up when the darkness draws near.
The unknown is coming... The darkness...
The darkness that I so much fear.


Please, oh, please...
Don't turn out the lights, my dear.


I don't have imsomnia. But I know how it can make a person feel


I was trying to make my poem sound more and more dramatic as it went along...
Did it work?
Thank you xxx

This is once again an amazing poem from you; your poems are brilliant i don't know how you get the inspiration, ive tried really hard to write a poem but they always kind of suck :L Seriously though, its a really good poem, i think you should send it to paramore so they can make a song out of it. (: Please carry on writing. i never enjoyed poetry until i read yours xxxxxxxx

Hello there
I think what you have here is just fine.The whole thing is exactly what I was expecting to see when I saw the title "Insomnia", which makes it a cliché. Yes, you did manage to build up the dramatics as the poem went along but it then became a little too dramatic. Especially the last line. I actually don't feel sorry for the narrator because the nagging became too much and a little tacky. I'm just being honest, don't take this the wrong way. Your writing is really good, but the poem is not. I think the topic is really grand, and so it requires a lot of understanding for you to be able to bring it and make me feel it. Even if you don't have insomnia yourself, make me believe you do.

Keep writing and good luck!

I thought you poem did exactly what it said on the tin
I got the feeling that you could't sleep that you were scared of something. That something was playing in your mind.
I really liked your use of descriptive words, it makes it sound more engaging for the reader.
as far as I looked through your work I didn't see anything wrong with your grammar.
love from a stranger xxxxxxxx <3

I think it was very dramatic in the middle and less dramatic at each end. Good job though, this poem is wonderful

Keep writing!
Alzora

This was good. I liked the flow of it all and the depth you put into the character and they felt and feared the insomnia. I think that you captured the emotion well. I loved the talk of stories and fairytales to distract them. It was sweet how you described that aspect of the poem. It was well-written and yes, it did become more dramatic and the end. It sort of sounded like a desperate cry for help, which, made it even more emotional and heart-breaking. Nice job.

Hey Emziiiiiieeee! I thank you for the request.

Here comes my short review:

NITPICKS FIRST:

Here is how I'd edit this:

Can't think,
Can't flinch,
Can't move,
Not an inch.

Please rock me to sleep now;
Rock me to sleep.
Sing me a lullaby;
Call to my prancing sheep.

Please, read me a story now;
enchanted queens and
talking trees.
Anything, to distract me
From my twisted thoughts--
From me.

Please, oh, please.

I can barely breathe!
Stay near!
For, I'm paralyzed
with fear...
Shadows and monsters haunting me
in the place where my dreams should be.

Don't leave my side
For my nightmares will appear.
But, don't you sneer.
For now, I'm still here...
Oh, how I can hear.

I can't close my ears just yet.
For all I know,
you are the one that I must fear.
But I need you, I need you here...
To wake me up when the darkness draws near.
The unknown is coming...
The darkness--
The darkness that I so much fear.

It was a nice poem, Emzie, the only thing that bothered me was the punctuations! O_o The previous quotation is how I would have edited it. Yes, as you can notice, I've deleted most of the semicolons, well, because they were unnecessary--simply unnecessary, and just plain distracting.

Anyway, nice one. =) It was fun to read. Though the ending felt a bit forced. It ended up not being like insomnia. What was that fear the poet talks about? I wonder...'Cause after all those stanzas, lines, I feel like it wasn't insomnia after all

I was trying to make my poem sound more and more dramatic as it went along...
Did it work?
Thank you xxx

It worked okay. But it doesn't seem like it's insomnia anymore... I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

~ Jash ♥