Young Writers Society

Its been two years since I posted my lyrics on my old account. I changed my style a bit, I know that these lyrics are maybe a bit un ethical, but please understand drugs in this song are not the point! It just telling a bit of how teens relax. Please leave me your feed back.


*Teenage girl singing

Lets meet up all yall and have some fun!
Lets smile and stare into the sunshine
Lets roll up some weed
Lets ride a steed
We are chillin and fillin our happy souls

Lets meet up ya'll and remember good times
Lets dance, sing, and make up good rhymes
Lets roll up some weed
Lets ride a steed
We are chillin and fillin our happy souls

All I want to do is (pause) not be the same
All I want to do is (pause) not be so lame
All I want to do is not drop my hands and fade away (echo)

Lets meet up and party the whole day
We aren't so boring, we wonet die away
Lets play a game
Dont let it be all the same
We are chillin and fillin our happy souls

Forget the bad years
Just kick out your fears
Lets play a game
Dont let it be all the same
We are chillin and fillin our happy souls

All I want to do is (pause) not be the same
All I want to do is (pause) not be so lame
All I want to do is not drop my hands and fade away (echo)

(A light tune guitar solo)

All we want to do is (pause) not be the same
All we want to do is (pause) not be so lame
All we want to do is not drop our hands and fade away (echo)

Staying home in the dark
Scared to go out
Feel like there is no such time for having fun
You think your hard work is never done
No time to relax
No time to to take a slow breath
Lets a make a small change shall we?


All we want to do is (pause) not be the same
All we want to do is (pause) not be so lame
All we want to do is not drop our hands and fade away (echo)


*streched
All we want to do is (pause) not be the same
All we want to do is (pause) not be so lame
All we want to do is not drop our hands and fade away (echo)

Hey,

They are good, but they would have to have the perfect tune or it just wouldn't work, and the tune would have to be so out there for people to remember or it wouldn't stand out. Good lyrics never the less

~Retro Disco666

WOW!
I love that song! But it's starting to get stuck in my head, and that's a good thing!
I can really imagine the beat and how you would sing it. I wish i could write songs like you!!!
I like the part when you say 'All i want to do is (Stop) not be the same'...

Thanks you guys

Ok...

I have to admit I cringe a bit when I read this, I have to say it's a bit clunky with cliche - sorry to offend you, I hope you can take my comments with a pinch of salt - each to their own.

While I recognise your attempts at originality I have to say I'm finding that a lot of forced rhyme has been used. It has the feeling that you sort of threw it together as you went along.

Spelling error: stair. I think you mean "stare".

You also haven't really used any punctuation (it should be "let's).
And puncutation is essential to how a song will be performed/heard by the reader.

I like bits but I find others are completely forced. I enjoyed "chillin and fillin our souls" but "let's ride a steed" just feels pointless and silly (and not in a good way in my opinion).

The chorus does make me cringe. It just sounds so cliched - like so many of these new teen performers who I feel put zero effort into their lyrical composure (or whoever composes for them) I mean really: "not be the same" "not be so lame." I'm sorry but it's been said before, and it CAN be said in a more original way.

I have to question:

No time to relax
No time to to take a slow breath
Lets a make a small change shall we?

Surely if you had nothing to do then you would have time to take a slow breath?

You do show signs of potential but I think you need to take a lot more time when writing something and just push yourself to be as original as possible. You want people to read your lyrics and nod to the creativity. I mean, a preteen girl with little musical knowledge could easily listen to and sing to this song but:
1) You mention weed so I'm guessing you have a slightly more mature audience in mind.
2) Would you be satisfied with that? Don't you want to impress a whole range of people with your originality.

Good lyrics make you think, I'm sorry but this doesn't do that for me.

Don't lose heart and please don't go on the defensive with me, but I would recommend you listening to a lot of talented performers and get some inspiration. Also, look to inspiration in your own life. Sometimes the tiniest things are the most effective in developing lyrics.

Also I'd like to ask who you like to listen to yourself?

Once again, I am not here to rip you to shreds, I only give criticism where I think someone has bothered or has potential and with some work you could be writing good lyrics.

SazzaMulgazza wrote:Ok...

I have to admit I cringe a bit when I read this, I have to say it's a bit clunky with cliche - sorry to offend you, I hope you can take my comments with a pinch of salt - each to their own.

While I recognise your attempts at originality I have to say I'm finding that a lot of forced rhyme has been used. It has the feeling that you sort of threw it together as you went along.

Spelling error: stair. I think you mean "stare".

You also haven't really used any punctuation (it should be "let's).
And puncutation is essential to how a song will be performed/heard by the reader.

I like bits but I find others are completely forced. I enjoyed "chillin and fillin our souls" but "let's ride a steed" just feels pointless and silly (and not in a good way in my opinion).

The chorus does make me cringe. It just sounds so cliched - like so many of these new teen performers who I feel put zero effort into their lyrical composure (or whoever composes for them) I mean really: "not be the same" "not be so lame." I'm sorry but it's been said before, and it CAN be said in a more original way.

I have to question:

No time to relax
No time to to take a slow breath
Lets a make a small change shall we?

Surely if you had nothing to do then you would have time to take a slow breath?

You do show signs of potential but I think you need to take a lot more time when writing something and just push yourself to be as original as possible. You want people to read your lyrics and nod to the creativity. I mean, a preteen girl with little musical knowledge could easily listen to and sing to this song but:
1) You mention weed so I'm guessing you have a slightly more mature audience in mind.
2) Would you be satisfied with that? Don't you want to impress a whole range of people with your originality.

Good lyrics make you think, I'm sorry but this doesn't do that for me.

Don't lose heart and please don't go on the defensive with me, but I would recommend you listening to a lot of talented performers and get some inspiration. Also, look to inspiration in your own life. Sometimes the tiniest things are the most effective in developing lyrics.

Also I'd like to ask who you like to listen to yourself?

Once again, I am not here to rip you to shreds, I only give criticism where I think someone has bothered or has potential and with some work you could be writing good lyrics.

No, I don’t take this as a diss, I am very thankful by the way for your commen and I will think about what you said and note it. Ill make some changes in my writing. I promise that this had barley any forced rhyming.

Lets ride a steed

I think I understand why it didnt make an sence to you and it wonet to some people. Normally when you smoke weed you have this feeling that your flying or you are wriding on something powerfull and beautiful (But I guess I should next time think that not everybody will undestand). The funny thing that yea I just noticed that people use alot of rhyming with same and lame so ture to that . I know people have differant tastes and oppinions but I will think about this and try this in my new lyrics. Thanks

I have smoked weed before lol.

SazzaMulgazza wrote:I have smoked weed before lol.

Then you know what I mean

Hi, Noob! (No pun intended.) I'm here at last to review. First, I'd like to apologize for my slow response. I just figured out that I do actually have a life. =P But anyway, here it goes...

NITPICKS

I'm going to say this once, in general, edit this, okay? :

Let's meet up all ya'll and have some fun!

Lets has an apostrophe. It's a contraction of let us. Also don't skip putting apostrophes. That particular punctuation is essential. Sometimes, or probably most of the time, if you forget or if you're lazy enough not to put apostrophes, the intended meaning will be distorted.

Let's smile and stair into the sunshine

I think you meant "stare"?

We are chillin' and fillin' our happy souls

Apostrophes..

Let's meet up ya'll and remember good times

We aren't so boring, we won't die away

Don't let it be all the same

So I feel that this is confusing and out of the blue:

Staying home in the dark
Scared to go out
Feel like there is no such time for having fun
You think your hard work is never done
No time to relax
No time to to take a slow breath
Lets a make a small change shall we?

The transition wasn't clear enough, and in lyrics, especially short ones, swift, smooth transitions are important.

OVERALL

I know you said that mentioning drugs was unethical--is--anyway, as a kid, that's not really the point. Sure, say, if you used it as an example to point out how kids relax, yeah, that's nothing. But to say in your whole song that it's okay, and you're compromising everything kids think could make life better, then that's where my evaluation of your song would circle.

No offense, I see no moral value in your song. You warned me about the drugs, I saw no reason to feel it's unethical; but when I read the whole song that's when I was like, "ahh...it's compromising," maybe, I just hate compromising and I'm too goodie-goodie. Maybe I'm that type of kid you'll call boring. But I'd like to stay that way. Thank you very much...so I'll have to say that my evaluation of you song is...Um, how should I put it?

Okay, in order for me to not to sound harsh, let's put it this way: there already a lot of songs like this. Don't try to write something like this anymore, please. In short, it's cliche. Anyway, as a matter of fact, the community needs more encouraging-morality songs. That's all I'll have to say about the theme...

The beat was alright. The rhyming was simple. As a song, it's too simple really...I couldn't see any uniqueness in it. When writing a song, make sure you pull out something fresh that will make stand out and make people actually feel like there's something worth remembering in your songs.

Um, and yeah, one more thing, as a lyricist, try to think about those who'd read your work, especially if you're not an artist and you can't perform your own song. Try to be polite by proofreading it for misspellings, you know the rest. Just a tip, okay? =)) KEEP WRITING!

~ Jash ♥

These are good lyrics. I can actually hear the music in my head and I can hear how the person sings it.