Young Writers Society

First 10 pages of a Christian Screenplay I'm writing. You don't have to be Christian to review it because it doesn't have much Spiritual connotations in this part. Please be honest

INT – NIGHT CLUB - EVENING
Night club, coloured lights flashing, ‘Show me love’ playing, many people there, dancing and drinking, mostly under 20s

INT – NIGHT CLUB – BENCH – SIMULTAINIOUS
At a bench sit JACK, LEE, and HARVEY. On the table in front of them are beer bottles for each person

JACK is 18, thin, six foot, strong facial features, black jeans, no sleeve vest top. Lee is 18, short, and has slight facial hair, Demin jeans and a smart shirt. HARVEY, 19, 5 foot 11, shaven hair, ginger, white top, tracksuits. HARVEY has an Irish accent

They are eyeing up women who walk past. HARVEY wolf whistles. They turn and look at him in disgust. JACK and LEE laugh

HARVEY: Ah who cares about them broads anyway!

LEE: Well, it’s gonna be a long night

JACK: I hope not, I have church in the morning

HARVEY: Ah but the good Lord won’t mind if you’ll be staying for a couple more hours

LEE: Yeah, it’s only a couple more hours

JACK: My youth leader won’t be happy with me if I come in late

HARVEY: Aye mate; these are the kind that don’t want you to be happy in life. All they ever talk about is the next. Well let me tell you, the here and now is all that counts and don’t let anyone tell you any differently

LEE: I’ll drink to that!

LEE and HARVEY tap their beer bottles before swigging. JACK takes a swig of his

JACK: And what does matter in this life?

LEE: Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die

HARVEY: I thought you were a religious man Jack?

JACK: I know… but, I don’t like to be defined by my belief. I still like to have a good time

LEE: So I see

SIAN comes over, 18, very pretty, short skirt, pink top, leather jacket, makeup on

SIAN: Hey guys!

She sits with them

JACK: Oh hey Sian

HARVEY: Evening

LEE: When did you get here?

SIAN: Just a second ago, I didn’t expect you to be here

LEE: Pound a pint, where else would we be?

SIAN: Good point!

HARVEY: Aye and speaking of pints

He gives a pound coin to LEE

HARVEY (CONT’D): Get us a Fosters, tis your turn!

LEE: Fine!

LEE gets up and goes to the bar

JACK: How’s life at college?

SIAN: Sorry? I can’t hear you over this music!

JACK: I said how’s life at college!

SIAN: Ah, it’s good thanks!

HARVEY: What is it that you’re studying?

SIAN: At the moment, media!

JACK: Sounds like fun!

INT – NIGHTCLUB – BAR – SIMULTAINIOUS

LEE is at a very busy crowded bar. The barmaid is turning to different people to take orders before getting them what they want, exchanging money

She turns to LEE

BARMAID: What do you want?

LEE (Bending over bar): Two Fosters please

BARMAID gets two Foster bottles out, takes the caps off, and hands them to him

BARMAID: That’ll be two pounds please

LEE hands her the money

LEE: Cheers

‘Infinity’ starts playing replacing ‘Show me love’. LEE grabs the drinks and leaves bar

INT – NIGHT CLUB – BENCH – SIMULTAINIOUS

HARVEY: I don’t know about you two but I’m gonna dance

HARVEY gets up and leaves to the dance floor

SIAN: You not gonna join him?

JACK: Nah! Dancing’s not for me

SIAN (Laughing): What did you say, I couldn’t catch it?

JACK: I said…

LEE comes over and sees that HARVEY isn't there. He looks over and sees him dancing on the dance floor

LEE: Typical, I’ll see if he wants it

LEE goes over to the dance floor to greet HAREVY

INT – NIGHTCLUB – DANCE FLOOR – CONTINUOUS

Many people are dancing. Amongst them is HARVEY. LEE approaches him

LEE: Do you want your Fosters?

HARVEY: Aye mate!

He grabs a Fosters bottle off LEE and starts dancing with it

HARVEY (CONT’D): You gonna join me?

LEE: I guess so

They start dancing to the music

INT – NIGHT CLUB – BENCH – CONTINUOUS

JACK: Aren’t your friends coming?

SIAN: They’ll be here at about eleven I think

JACK: What?

SIAN (Laughing): They’ll be here at eleven!

JACK: Oh

SAIN laughs

SIAN: How’s everything where you are?

JACK: I’ve found work

SIAN: Nice!

SUSIE and JEN come over. SUSIE, 18, is blonde, tight black jeans, white top, makeup. JEN, 18, brunette, short sleeved top, pink dance bottoms

SUSIE: Told ya we’d get here on time

SIAN: Looks like you’re early!

JEN: Yeah! Who’s the chump?

SIAN: Oh, this is Jack, from school. Jack, this is Susie and Jen. They’re from college

JEN: Oh right, hey!

SUSIE: Hello! I don’t come here often, so seeing me here is rare

JACK: Oh, okay. Hey guys. Would you like me to get you a drink?

JEN: Vodka and Coke

SUSIE: Same again please!

JACK leaves to bar

JEN: He’s quiet

SIAN: I know, he’s always been like that

SUSIE: He seems very stale

SIAN: No, he can be lots of fun

CUT TO:

INT – NIGHTCLUB – DANCE FLOOR – LATER

SIAN, JACK, SUSIE, JEN, LEE and HARVEY are all dancing. The music is ‘Sex is on fire’

SIAN & JACK (To song lyrics): YOU, YOUR SEX IS ON FIRE! CONSUMED WITH WHAT’S TO TRANSPIRE!

JACK starts dancing with SIAN from behind

SIAN: Come on!

JACK and SIAN get really close until they start kissing. In front of everyone

HARVEY and LEE start laughing at them. HARVEY gets out his phone and takes a photograph of them. JACK raises his middle finger at them

HARVEY: Jack’s got gash!

LEE: With Sian too!

HARVEY: Sorry mate, it’s the Irish in me!

SIAN (To JACK): Wanna go somewhere quieter?

JACK nods, they leave

HARVEY: Have you lovely ladies known Sian long?

CUT TO:

EXT – NIGHTCLUB – SMOKING AREA – LATER

The area is quiet; there are a few people on outdoor benches smoking. SIAN and JACK are sitting on a bench together. SAIN gets out a packet of cigarettes and draws one out of the packet. She lights it and smokes

JACK: You smoke?(!)

SIAN: Sorry about that

JACK: I don’t mind it’s just; well… they’re bad for you

SIAN: I get the same talk from my mother

JACK: Maybe because she cares about you

SIAN: Meh, I don’t care. People say that

JACK: I care

SIAN: Aww, that’s so sweet (She kisses him) I don’t feel much like dancing anymore

JACK: Then let’s not

SIAN smiles at him

CUT TO:

EXT – STREET – LATER

JACK and SIAN are kissing and linking hands as they walk down the road. They step outside a house

SIAN: Let me get my key

She gets her key out and unlocks the door. They stumble through and laugh as they fall over

SIAN (CONT’D): Shh! My mother’s asleep!

CUT TO:

INT – HOUSE – SIAN’S ROOM – LATER

SIAN’s room, respectable by all accounts. Study books on the shelves. Wardrobe and a tall bed. JACK is on top of SIAN kissing her. He takes his top off revealing his naked chest. He takes her top off, leaving her in her bra

He looks at her and reveals a condom. He smiles. He adjusts his jeans below the duvet. He pulls them off and chucks them out of bed. He adjusts again and cuddles her

FADE TO:

INT – HOUSE – SIAN’S ROOM – MORNING
JACK is in bed cuddled up to SIAN, asleep. They are covered up by the duvet, they’re clothes are scattered amongst the room. The clock next to his face shows a time of ’10:25’

He turns his head to face the clock and then opens his eyes slightly. He opens them wide in shock

JACK: Oh crap

He looks at SIAN and then looks at the time again

JACK (CONT’D): I’m gonna be late for church!

He grabs his boxers

CUT TO:

Hey,

I am a bit of a drama geek so it shall be honest, and slightly brutal.

The first thing is that the characters are not real. Obviously they are fictional but what i mean is that what it feels like your going for is a very stanislavski piece which is very believable, however, the conversations here feel false, which is a bad start. You need them to be overlapping, unfinished sentences. Also, I think you should put how they say things in stage directions.

The next point seems petty, but really annoyed me. The price of the beer, two fosters in a night club would be around six pound. Again it is to make it seem more believable.

Another thing is that you are bringing us into the story concept way to soon. I can appreciate it is about Christianity but saying about church in the second line is just toomuch, I would take the conversation back about five minutes and build it up to this point or the audience are just going to be like what, as this type of play needs to be done in a natralistic manner.

I like how you used pounds to set the location, however, I would do it more coloquially to make it seem more belivable again, something like "quid", A lot of people would get mixed up between college and university, So I would put sixth form to make it more British and less likely to confuse wider audiences.

The character descriptions are too specific for a play, they need to be more vague so they are more open to interpretation.

Your stage directions are fine, but yet, there are things that aren't needed, i'll let you figure out what

JACK (CONT’D): I’m gonna be late for church!

He grabs his boxers

Right, i'm going to show you how things like this should be written in scripts.

Jack (Cont'd): [grabbing his boxers] I'm going to be late for church!

I know it seems stupid but that's how they are profesionally written.


I hope you find this useful and will help any other way I can if you ask.

Keep it up. PM me for anything

~Retro Disco666

So, I have to agree with retro on a lot of accounts.

Ease into the plot a little bit more. It shouldn't be too obvious; maybe hint at it towards the beginning. Also, the script doesn't feel very natural. Don't be afraid to put a lot into there- dialog goes by very quickly. Having said that, a lot of this seems unnecessary. As in, we don't need to see the beers being ordered. Put your words where they count, but don't be afraid to plump it up in the places they matter. You don't need too many conversations going on, but make them real and flesh them out a bit. The scenario towards the end is very nicely done, and presents a really wonderfully set up contradiction between lifestyle and religious beliefs in the character.
I would take a look at the way your stage directions have been typed in, as retro said, as it's not the traditional way of presenting them.

Overall, nicely done. Sounds like an interesting script.


-Coral-

This was kinda good but i bit too typicall. I kinda expected this to happen from the start till the very end. I read same types of scripts alot so please change the plot next time. Also I dont think you need to be that specific about the time and the money. You should also correct lots of your grammar. You need to put question marks in the rite place. Other then that, I really enjoyed it.

Hey, Robster! I'm Jashy and I'm here to review as requested. =) Wow...this will be the first time I'll review a play (no one requests from me). I've read a play before. Sadly, only once. It's about Helen Keler. XD Maybe you know her. =) She's also a Christian. The blind and deaf one, who only got to connect with the world through touch. It's truly a miracle, I know.

Anyway, here goes my review.

This is quite a long one, and since I'm new to reviewing scripts, I'm gathering the nitpicks and I will just post an example for each one that I see. In other words, I will be showing you the corrections in number order kinda...

Nitpicks will be in pink font.

First is this...

INT – NIGHT CLUB - EVENING

So I tried searching for "INT", but I just couldn't get what it means. O_o So that's not much of a problem. Maybe put an asterisk after it and put a footnote on what it means just for those who aren't familiar with plays.

Second is the lack of periods in the dialogues:

LEE: Well, it’s gonna be a long night.

Third, be careful with spelling. Mispellings will make a reader stop reading.

INT – NIGHT CLUB – BENCH – SIMULTAINIOUS

*simultaneous

Fourth, is the expressions.

Shouldn't this...

JACK: You smoke?(!)

be like this...

JACK [surprised]: You smoke?

So there, because it lacked those expressions and emotions, the dialogues and characters seems dull.

Fifth is the descriptions and narrations. Well, I'm not so sure about this one, but I think narrations should be italicized? If not then make a way not to confuse readers with the narrations and dialogues.

OVERALL

You told me to be honest, and I will: it was a bit typical. Really. People have read a lot about that kind of stuff, sometimes others are already turned off realizing the plot.

But keep writing. You'll never know. Someday, you'll probably think of something unique and striking. Don't give up on your writing, especially when you're doing it for God.

BLESS YOU AND YOUR WRITING!


~ Jash ♥