Spoiler! :
She scatters seeds in the snow, her alabaster skin melting into the background of doves that flock around her. Her checkered scarf, stark crimson and olive green, nestles her head, forms her mask.
A couple strolls past, picture perfect faces tilted towards each other, breaths forming a misty cloud of lovers’ sighs.
I see only her mesmerising eyes, warm brown against the frigid pale canvas of her skin. They are wide-set, but the perfect distance for me to plant a kiss between.
She wears a beanie to tame her hair, but unruly wisps of charcoal frizz escape its confines. The contours of her ears can just be made out under her beanie, big but strangely endearing.
I stare helplessly, drinking in the sight of her as she turns to face the sun, basking in its rays. She glows, as if an ember burns brightly beneath her paper-thin skin.
Then she notices me looking. In her eyes is a tentative smile.
Heat rushes to my cheeks, like a child caught doing something he shouldn’t, I offer a sheepish grin.
I do not miss her left hand creeping up her neck, self-consciously adjusting the scarf, muting her radiance further.
Behind that scarf lies an exquisite smile. She hates the thinness of her lips and the mole that dots her upper lip. I love the softness of her peach-tinted lips, the smooth curve of her smile, spotted curiously with a mole.
She hates how her waist is centimetres too large and the undesirable circumference of her limbs. I adore the roundness of her body; those full arms are the tenderest cushions. She is all curves, without the angular outline of those slim figures that grace the cover of fashion magazines.
I am surrounded by a winter wonderland, glittery snowflakes descending and patterning the landscape blanketed with pristine whiteness. I am surrounded by people, some of the kind that makes her turn away from the mirror, ashamed and dissatisfied at what she sees.
Yet-
She scatters seeds in the snow and I am captivated.
I see only her.
So beautiful.
**********
She lived three houses down from mine, and we took the same bus to school every day. Being ten then, like most boys, I paid more attention to my Pokémon cards than I did to girls.
One Tuesday, I was forced to pay attention after I bumped into her, causing her to fall. I was too absorbed in trading cards with my bus-mate to notice. I heard an indignant “Hey!” behind me and turned, only to be whacked on the shoulder with a weighty backpack. Her surprising show of strength landed me on the floor. You could say she swept me off my feet.
“What did you do that for?” I shouted, rubbing my sore bottom.
She planted her hands on her hips and retorted, “You bumped into me and didn’t apologise!”
“You didn’t have to attack me, crazy!”
“No, I wouldn’t have to, if you paid more attention to where you were going instead of trying to get your friend’s Charizard card. Which by the way, is fake.”
I stared at her in shocked awe. My bus-mate looked annoyed.
When I continued to gawk at her, she decided to continue, “I have an extra Charizard card at home, if you want to trade for it. Provided that you be nice to me.”
Just like that, our friendship took off.
We spent our afternoons alternating between our houses, watching Pokemon shows and playing pranks on our housewife mothers. She made me laugh a lot.
During the winter of my fifteenth year, I started to see my playmate and best friend more as a girl. My mother teased me for taking so long to do so.
I liked our snowball fights. It gave me an excuse to admire her lovely face.
The way the corners of her eyes would crinkle as she laughed; the way she’d wrinkle her button nose when a snowball landed in her face; her lopsided smirk after triumphantly pelting me with snowballs; how her hair would spread against the snow as I tickled her relentlessly.
Noticing my stares, her hands would flutter nervously to her face, and she would ask me if there was something wrong with it. I would be guilt-ridden every time she did that. She was so self-conscious.
I wanted to tell her that she looked lovely, but I was too embarrassed.
Once, while we walked down the hallway in school, she suddenly asked me, “Don’t you think she’s pretty? And her?”
I followed her wistful gaze to two girls who had just passed us. One of them had large, round eyes that many students regarded to be very attractive. I thought she looked positively fish-like. The other, my classmate, was admittedly a fine specimen of feminine pulchritude. Her personality was also as charismatic as a fencepost.
“I think you’re pretty too.” I replied softly and earnestly, blushing. Her lips pursed, and she said nothing. Perhaps she had not heard me.
We walked home in silence.
**********
I suspect that she knows I love her.
I even suspect that she may just love me back.
Every day, I tell her she is beautiful. Remind her. But she only listens to the cruel jeering of her peers. She still wets her pillows with tears.
Whenever I caress her face, her lips, she becomes a mimosa. She recoils from my touch ever so slightly, her body folding and bringing her shoulders closer together. Even as she lowers her head, I see the flicker of uncertainty in her eyes.
Take your time.
I’ll wait for you.
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