Young Writers Society

Just a bit of random writing I did,
just wondered is anyone thought it was worth carrying on or not

In the Dark
"In the dark there are no limits. In the dark the possibilities are endless. You can let it overwhelm you, and wonder... wonder what would happen if the world was fair..." my mother used to stutter to me, stroking my cheek. She never sat down properly, always perching, always ready to make a quick escape to her husband’s shout.
I used to tuck her baggy shirt in my hand, whilst I sucked my thumb, and sniffed her scent during these short talks that happened so scarcely. She didn't seem to mind, but sometimes she would pull the material away from me and say, " you don't want to get buck teeth now, do you?" ,not that it mattered. Nothing could make ME look worse....And I knew I was different. Otherwise why would I be up here? Why would I be hidden away from any other living creature, apart from maybe a mouse or a cockroach? I knew she only meant it for the best, but theres a reason I'm up here- I even repulse her, my own mother!
But when she did come up, it gave me hope. Maybe one day she would set me free. Let me discover this mysterious "light”. When mother left, I felt so alone. I didn't know how long she was going to be but, but my guess was a few weeks- or more! I had been hearing the first twelve rings of the winter bells. The first twelve days of winter. Mother never came to see me during the longest hardest coldest months. She was too busy getting ready for the inter sacrifice. She (being the priest’s wife and all) had to make all the preparations. She had to cook, she had to look good, and she had to host. But my mother had made the largest sacrifice of all. You see, my mother was a kind woman. She didn't like to linger on the bad thoughts of life- death, torture, murder. She didn't like people suffering. So she made herself suffer. There was a tradition in the village. Every winter a sacrifice is made to keep the Deathly Snows away through winter. There are two people who can be sacrificed. The first choice is for the latest born baby in the village. They would be taken from the mother on the day of sacrifice and slaughtered in front of the whole village. This thought made my mother shudder. The second option was for the priest's wife to be sacrificed. She isn't killed, but her arms are slashed so fiercely they bleed for weeks. But she isn't helped. She has to walk through the harsh wind to the meadows which neighbour our village and lay her bleeding arms on the scratchy, dry grass.
As she struggles back to the village, the crowd watches her stumble and fall. They can’t help her. She has to make it the church.
When she does, the crowd grab her frail body, and cheer. The village will survive the winter. That is if she makes it to the church.
Mother doesn't get any younger every winter. The older she gets the harder it is for her to cope with the whole ordeal. Last year I didn't see her for three months! She was stuck in bed with an illness of some sort...
Anyway, she’s worried whether she'll be able to sacrifice herself anymore, without dying. She’s thinking of having one year off... to gather her strength for the next year. One baby... just one baby. Think off all the others she'll be able to save in the future.
How do I know all this? My mother’s chamber is just below me. I often hear her talking to the maids. Thinking aloud to them more like. As much as my mother is kind and thoughtful, she is also very proud of her wealth. The maids aren't her friends; she doesn't even really need them to be there. She just loves it when friends come round and she is able to show off her "staff".
She's rich because she’s the priest’s wife. The priest is the most respected figure in the village. But also the most feared. His mind has a direct link to god, and after many years of serving Him, God has given him powers like no other being before.
At least, that's what he tells the villagers. And they believe him. Of course they do. The people of this village are very superstitious.
I’ve never thought much of the priest, even though I’ve never met him; if all holy men are like him, I’m am glad I’m stuck up here. I also hear him beating her in her bedroom, for being a whore, and a disrespecting wife. It makes me want to trap him up here, and live the life I have to endure. I know he’s not my father...

My father. I’ve often wondered about him. Surely, he must be the reason for my captivity. He must be who I have inherited my looks from. I imagine an ugly, hunched monster, with dry, cracking skin and warts- the kind of beast I imagine myself to be. What I don't understand is why my mother would... you know, with that sort of monster....
Anyhow, the result of it was me, a child as ugly as its father, condemned to a life of darkness.

Hi there!

This is a very interesting idea, it makes me want to read more. I like the whole idea of the sacrifice. Just a few things:

She never sat down properly, always perching, always ready to make a quick escape to her husbands shout.

Should be husband's. Apart from that, it's a good beginning.

I used to tuck her baggy shirt in my hand ,whilst I sucked my thumb, and sniffed her smell during these short talks that happened so scarcely

Hmm the bolded bit sounds a bit strange. I get what you mean, but it doesn't sound quite right. Maybe rephrase it. Also, I'm not too sure about 'sniffed her smell'. It makes it sound like she smells bad. 'Sniffed her scent' would be better. (and it would be good if you described her scent)

but sometimes she would pull the material away form from me and say,
"You don't want to get buck teeth now, do you?" Not that it mattered. Nothing could make ME (why is this in capitals?) look worse....

Remember to start on a new line every time someone speaks, and punctuate diaglogue correctly. :]

But when she did come up, it gave me hope. Maybe one day she would set me free. Let me discover this mysterious "light".

Can't the MC set herself free? Is the door locked? Expand here.

I didn't know how long she was going t be but, but my guess was a few weeks- or more! I had been hearing the first 12 rings of the winter bells.

*to *twelve (remember to write out numbers under 100). About the rings of winter bells... I don't quite get what you mean. Is there a special kind of church bell that rings in the winter? Please explain.

She was too bust (do you mean busy?) getting ready for the inter sacrifice. (winter sacrifice?) She( being the priest's wife and all) had to make all the preparations.She had too cook, she had to but (to but? what do you mean?), she had to host.

I'm not too fond of the 'being the priest's wife and all' bit. It doesn't quite fit with the tone of the story. It seems too casual. :/

So she made herself (herself is one word) suffer. There was a tradition in the village. Every winter a sacrifice is made to keep the Deathly Snows away through winter. (you changed tenses here, make sure to stick to one tense)

The second option was for the vicars wife to be sacrificed. She isn't killed, but her arms are slashed so fiercly they bleed for weeks. But she isn't helped. She has to walk through the harsh wind to the meadows which neighbor out our village and lay her bleeding arms on the grass.

What a wierd and horrible village :0

As she struggles back to the village, the crowd watches her stumble and fall. They can't help her. She has to make it to the church.

without killing herself. She's thinking of having one year off... to gather her strength for the next year. One baby... just one baby. Think off all the others she'll be able to save in the future.

How do I know all this? My mother's chamber is just below me. I often hear her talking to the maids. Thinking aloud to them more like. As much as my mother is kind and thoughtful, she is also very proud offher wealth. The maids aren't her friends, she doesn't even really need them to be there. She just loves it when friends come round and she is able to show off her "staff"...

I've noticed that you use a lot of suspension points, and in a lot of places they aren't really needed. Only use them when you want to create suspension, otherwise it sounds like you're trailing off, which doesn't do much for the story. In this paragraph, for example, they aren't needed.
:]

I also hear him beating her in her bedroom, for being a whore, and a disrespective wife. It make me want to punch his face in. I know he's not my father...

How does she know that he's not her father?

Overall:

So, as I said before, this very interesting. It's original, and I like how you've created two sides to the mother: thoughtful, but still greedy with money.
There were a lot of grammar mistakes, missing apostrophes, etc. I corrected some of them but not all, so make sure to read over your work well.
My main problem with this is about the MC being locked in her room. Why? Does she have a certain condition? Or does the mother just want her out of the way?
I would like to know more about the MC, what is her name?

Apart from that, I like it. It's definitly worth continuing! Just make sure to read over your work well before submitting. :]

Hope I helped!

~Lilicia

Hullo.

I definitely think this is worth continuing! But more about that later -- first I want to correct some grammatical glitches and typos and stuff. My comments and the changes I've made are in red. By the way, I'm sorry if I repeat some of the things Lilica pointed out -- I wrote that part of the review this morning, before she posted her review, but I had to go, so I saved it and only just got back to it.

"In the dark there are no limits. In the dark the possibilities are endless. You can let it overwhelm you, and wonder... wonder what would happen if the world was fair..." my mother used to stutter to me, stroking my cheek. She never sat down properly, always perching, always ready to make a quick escape to her husband's shout.
I used to tuck her baggy shirt in my hand whilst I sucked my thumb, and sniffed her smell during these short talks that happened so scarcely. She didn't seem to mind, but sometimes she would pull the material away form me and say, "you don't want to get buck teeth now, do you?" not that it mattered. Nothing could make ME look worse.... And I knew I was different. Otherwise why would I be up here? Why would I be hidden away from any other living creature, apart from maybe a mouse or a cockroach? I knew my mum only did it it for the best, but I knew I even repulsed her, my own mother! [<--I don't like the repetition of "I knew" here... maybe try something like "I knew she only did it for the best, but I could tell I even repulsed her, my own mother!"]
But when she did come up, it gave me hope. Maybe one day she would set me free. Let me discover this mysterious "light." When mother left, I felt so alone. I didn't know how long she was going to be out, but my guess was a few weeks- or more! I had been hearing the first 12 rings of the winter bells. The first twelve days of winter. Mother never came to see me during the longest, hardest, coldest months. She was too busy getting ready for the winter sacrifice. She (being the priest's wife and all) had to make all the preparations.She had to cook, she had to but, she had to host. But my mother had made the largest sacrifice of all. You see, my mother was a kind woman. She didn't like to linger on the bad thoughts of life- death, torture, murder. She didn't like people suffering. So she made herself suffer. There was a tradition in the village: every [<--that's really just a matter of opinion, but I think it sounds better to have a colon rather than a period.] winter a sacrifice is made to keep the Deathly Snows away through winter. There are two people who can be sacrificed. The first choice is for the latest born baby in the village. They would be taken from the mother on the day of sacrifice and slaughtered in front of the whole village. This thought made my mother shudder. The second option was for the vicar's wife to be sacrificed. [<--I was confused here, because before you called her a priest's wife but now she's a vicar's wife... you are talking about the mother, right? I think you should either always say priest or always say vicar. Also, I added an apostrophe] She isn't killed, but her arms are slashed so fiercly they bleed for weeks. But she isn't helped. She has to walk through the harsh wind to the meadows which neighbor our village and lay her bleeding arms on the grass.
As she struggles back to the village, the crowd watches her stumble and fall. They can't help her. She has to make it the church.
When she does, the crowd grabs her frail body, and cheers. The village will survive the winter. That is, if she makes it to the the church.
Mother doesn't get any younger every winter. The older she gets the harder it is for her to cope with the whole ordeal. Last year I didn't see her for three months! [<--as a general rule, integers smaller than ten should be written out in letters, i.e. "three" rather than "3." Also, I think you should say "didn't see her for three months" rather than "didn't see her three months." It sounds more natural to me.] She was stuck in bed with a illness of some sort...
Anyway, she's worried whether she'll be able to sacrifice herself anymore, without killing herself. She's thinking of having one year off... to gather her strength for the next year. One baby... just one baby. Think off all the others she'll be able to save in the future.
How do I know all this? My mother's chamber is just below me. I often hear her talking to the maids. Thinking aloud to them, more like. As much as my mother is kind and thoughtful, she is also very proud of her wealth. The maids aren't her friends. She doesn't even really need them to be there. She just loves it when friends come round and she is able to show off her "staff." [<--you don't need to change that from an ellipsis (...) to a period, I just thought it sounded better because you seem to use ellipses a lot. But even if you want to keep it the way it was, the punctuation always goes inside the quotes. For example, if you keep the ellipsis it should be "staff..." not "staff"...]
She's rich because shes the priest's wife. The priest is the most respected figure in the village. But also the most feared. His mind has a direct link to god, and after many years of serving Him, God has given him powers like no other being before.
At least, that's what he tells the villagers. And they believe him. Of course they do. The people of this village are very superstitious.
I've never thought much of the priest, even though I've never met him. I can tell he is not a holy man from Mother's stories. I also hear him beating her in her bedroom, for being a whore, and a disrespecting wife. It make me want to punch his face in.[<--this is such a cliché phrase, that it has no real meaning any more. Something more original, more specific to your character and their circumstances, would be a lot more powerful.] I know he's not my father...

My father... I've often wondered about him. Surely, he must be the reason for my captivity. [<--captivation means, according to the OED: "A captivating influence, a fascination." I think you mean "captivity." ;)] He must be who I have inherited my looks from. [<--Sometimes I'm fine with ending a sentence in a preposition, but here it sounds awkward to me. Maybe try something along the lines of "It must be he who gave me my looks."] I imagine an ugly, hunched monster, with dry, cracking skin and warts- the kind of image I imagine myself as. [<--that part also feels awkward. Maybe try something like "the kind of beast I imagine myself to be," or "the kind of image I have of myself."] What I don't understand is why my mother would... you know, with that sort of monster....
Anyhow, the result of it was me, a child as ugly as its father, condemned to a life of darkness.

Whew! Before I get on to the important stuff, I have to say this: there are a lot of careless mistakes in this piece, like leaving out apostrophes, or having a comma after the space rather than before it. I found it hard to think about much of anything else while I was reading, because I was distracted by all these errors. I know it's a tedious process, but I suggest you read through your work before posting it on YWS to catch and fix these mistakes. If you don't, it seems a little disrespectful because it feels like you're saying "I don't care enough about the piece to edit it, yet I expect you to care enough to read and review it." I don't think you actually feel that way, but that is the message that comes across.

Another little issue you should address is the inconsistency about how you refer to the mother. Is the "mother" or "mum" or "Mother?" You used all of these and there didn't seem to be much of a grammatical pattern as to when you used each one.

Okay, enough with the nit-picking. I liked the idea a lot! You developed the mother character really well. She is complicated -- likable and dislikable at the same time. And you also described the child well through its (do we know its gender?) relationship with its mother. The child loves its mother, admires and feels sorry for her, but also knows that it will never be able to help her and that she will never be able to help it. Also, even though I don't know much about it, I got a good sense of the culture of the village. It's creepy and dark and superstitious, and has a very Dark Ages kind of feel to it. I disagree with Lilica in that I don't think we need to know exactly what is wrong with the main character. Though I have to wonder: are they human?

As to continuing, I certainly think it has potential. It's really up to you, though. If you feel inspired enough by it and have enough interest in the characters/world/etc., then by all means go for it! I would like to read it. Just make sure you comb for errors before posting it. ;)

Hope that helped somewhat. If I was unclear about anything please feel free to contact me!
a

Wow..this was.....well, to fit the title, dark. And it had an overbearing sense of dread that really spiced up the story. The part about sacrifice was really powerful and I found my mouth dropping open.
There were some grammar errors - the ones most prominent to me were in the last few paragraphs.

How do I know all this? My mother's chamber is just below me. I often hear her talking to the maids. Thinking aloud to them, more like. As much as my mother is kind and thoughtful, she is also very proud of her wealth. The maids aren't her friends, she doesn't even really need them to be there. She just loves it when friends come round and she is able to show off her "staff"...

She's rich because she's the priest's wife. The priest is the most respected figure in the village. But (maybe add 'he is') also the most feared. His mind has a direct link to God, and after many years of serving Him, God has given him powers like no other being before.

At least, that's what he tells the villagers. And they believe him. Of course they do. The people of this village are very superstitious.

Ive never thought much of the priest, even though I've never met him, I can tell he is not a holy man from Mother's stories. I also hear him beating her in her bedroom, for being a whore, and a disrespectful wife. It make me want to punch his face in. I know he's not my father...

All in all, I'd say keep up the great work I'd like to see more of this!

I really enjoyed this. ^^ My notes going through:

"I knew my mum only did it it for the best, but I knew I even repulsed her, my own mother!" This is phrased a little weirdly... Perhaps try to reword it? Specifically the last part. Maybe something like... "I knew my mum only did what she thought was best, but that didn't change the fact that I repulsed even her - my own mother." Not sure what the punctuation at the end there would be. XD

"She had too cook, she had to but, she had to host." 'Too' should be 'to'. And I have no idea what 'she had to but' means. :\

"Last year I didn't see her 3 months!" Should be 'for three months.' Also, this is at leas the second time I noticed an exclamation point that probably could've been a period and kept the same effect, if not a stronger effect. For me, the exclamation point shows a little enthusiasm - "We don't have homework today!" - or maybe anger "You've betrayed us all!" There are ways to use it, most of them up to the author, but in this case I think maybe a period would be best(?). And be careful not to overuse exclamation points.

"The people of this village are very superstitious." This statement seems to be 'Telling' quite a bit, and I think it's a bit unneccesary, since the thoughts "Of course they believed him..." etc. already imply that they believe everything the priest says. You might consider a bit of sarcasm, perhaps? "The people of this village are very faithful/devout/religious/etc."

"Ive never thought much of the priest, even though Ive never met him, I can tell he is not a holy man from Mothers stories." Question. How does she know what a holy man - a real holy man - is like? Did her mother tell her about good holy men? Did she teach herself to read the banned books hidden up in the room along with her? (<- I'm guessing not, actually. She'd need light). What I mean is, this character has been hidden in the dark her whole life. No one talks to her - or even knows that she exists. The only things that she knows at all are what people have told her and what she's overheard - and that goes for the thing about the holy man and pretty much everything else in the entire world. Try to keep track of what she would and wouldn't know.
Perhaps you could tweak it a little? "I've never thought much of the priest, even though I've never met him. If all holy men are like him, then I give thanks I've never left this place." Or something, or something. *shrugs*

Overall:
This is a really great idea, and I think it has oodles of potential. I'm liking the way you develop your characters - like her mother, and the way she likes to show off her servants, but wants to save all the babies.

That said, this could use quite a bit of editing, even if it's just going through and proofreading, checking for simple, easily-fixed errors. Spelling mistakes, grammar errors, making sure every word you typed is what you really meant to say... One thing I've seen lots of people suggest is reading it aloud to yourself, to help you see what flows well and makes sense, and what needs a little tweaking to make it just right.

If you post more, let me know.