Young Writers Society

Author's Note This story in a non-linear format, so if you're get confused that's ok. It's my first time writing in such a format, so I don't know how it will turn out.I have three storylines currently. The first one takes place in the present, the second in the past and the third in the future. Enjoy!
This is a summary/synopsis of the previous chapters. It is short and not very detailed. I give you the essentials here. If you get confused, please read the author's note in chapter 1. Seres and Wolf haven't seen each other in twenty years. In the present Wolf has found Seres and told him that he has a part of Seres' soul in the compass that he was carrying. Seres is skeptical, but eventually absorbs the part of his soul that was in the compass. In the past, Wolf has been searching for Seres. He finds an anomaly on a planet called Zeyaethay. He talks it over with his sister Crane and decides to check it out. Then Deucalion, Hiram's right hand, shows up and tells Wolf that the Collective can cure his mother if he brings Seres back. The last scene is a repeat of the first scene in chapter one, but from Wolf's side. In the future, Seres and Wolf have found the last piece of Seres's soul. Seres absorbs it and tells Wolf that he's going to rip out a piece of his soul because he doesn't understand. Since Seres calls him by his real name, Wolf knows he's being serious. Wolf is too shocked to stop him and gets his soul trapped in the same compass. Back in the past, we find out how Seres' soul is ripped from him and what his reaction was, not happy. The Collective had to restrain him and Wolf wasn't there when it started. Seres yells at Hiram and collapses again. Wolf decides to check up on him and Seres yells at him, then vanishes. Wolf tells Hiram who declares that they should leave him alone for a while and then go find him. Crane shows up to try and talk Wolf into looking for Seres. In the present, Wolf and Seres talk about what Wolf is doing in Cerina. Wolf tells Seres he has lied to him and tells him that the Collective has offered to cure his mother if he brings Seres back. Seres tells him that he will go with Wolf it if will make Crane happy. In the future, Wolf has gone back home. Crane comes to visit him and tells him to go see Seres. Wolf goes back to Seres's house and Seres,feeling guilty, returns Wolf's soul piece to him. The conversation then turns to Seres's sleeping habits.
Still 20 years before the present; a couple of hours-days after chapter 4

Seres gasps awake, still on the cold floor of the meeting hall. He gets up, wincing. Every muscle in his body throbs. I should not sleep on cold, stone floors. He still feels dizzy, the room gently bobbing around him."Hiram, that bastard. If I see him again I'll kill him," he mutters.
"He was just doing what he thinks he has to do," Wolf says, from the doorway, watching him warily.
Seres jumps, stumbles, catches himself and glares at him, "I'll kill you too…what are you doing here? I thought you'd be off celebrating with them."
"I wanted to see if you were all right."
"I'm fine. Your concern is not needed," he takes a step forward and sways.
"Hiram said you collapsed."
"And he asked you to check up on me, how kind of him."
Wolf looks at the floor, "He didn't ask...I came on my own."
"Get out of my sight," Seres snaps. He could still feel pain. It cut shaprly, spreading through the empty feeling in his chest. He traces a symbol in the air and takes a deep breath. I want to go someplace where no one will find me. I only want to do this once. Somewhere where I don’t have to use my power. I want somewhere peaceful, somewhere that's calming. With that in mind he spoke the word, "Tenepto," and with a rush of air he was gone.

"And you didn't stop him," Hiram says angrily, pacing around his office. The evening light reflects off of the dust particles floating in the air.
"I thought it'd be best to let him calm down," Wolf doesn't look up from the floor.
"You thought," Hiram says quietly, power rattling the pearwood shelves around him, "that you would let him go." Wolf nods.
Hiram sighs, "Well he's gone and we can't find him."
Wolf's head snaps up and he looks at Hiram wide-eyed, "You can't find him?"
"No," Hiram says, "we can't find him. Seres knows all of our codes. He built the làtni system that monitors the multiverse for us remember?"
"And he knows how to get around it," Wolf states flatly. Hiram nods.
“So what do we do” he paces around the office, avoiding the patches of sunlight that dotted the auburn carpet.
“We could search the records office,” Wolf suggested.
Hiram shakes his head, “No, no, that’ll take too long.” He pushes the pile of unfinished paperwork aside and sits on the desk. “We’ll leave him alone,” he decides. He pulls open a drawer and takes out a crisp sheet of paper. He writes the order to leave Seres alone on it and places it in the out box.
“How long should we leave him alone for?”
“Until I send out a message saying that you or anyone else can track him down. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a multiverse to keep in order.” Hiram sits behind the desk and gets started on his paperwork. Wolf treads softly out of the room.

After Hiram's proclamation, Wolf doesn't look. He goes on living, but there's something missing. He doesn't notice, but Crane does.
"Go find him," she says barging into his bathroom one day.
"Crane," he starts, cutting himself on the razor. He mops up the blood and turns to her, "Are you trying to kill me?!"
She looks abashed for a moment, "No, but you need to find Seres."
"And you need to stay out of my business."
"I'm your sister, it's my job."
Wolf groans, "How did you get in anyway?"
"Your door was open."
"It was locked."
She shrugs, "Fine, I broke in."
"What! How did you get past my wards? And how can you say that so casually!" She takes out a black box and tries to hand it to him.
"I made it myself," she says. Wolf checks his wards, they were intact.
"So, what does it do, exactly?" He gestures for her to put it on the counter.
"It makes you seem harmless to the wards"
"Oh...it least it doesn't destroy them, unlike last time."
"You're still mad about that! I apologized!"
"It took me six weeks to repair my wards! During which you played tricks on me!"
“Fine, fine I won’t do it again,” she crosses her fingers behind her back, “I promise.” Wolf looks at her. She shifts under the scrutiny. He rolls his eyes, and turns back to the sink. He catches his reflection in the mirror. He’s still in his boxers.
“Gah!” He drops the razor, letting it clatter into the sink. He tries to propel Crane out of the door. She resists.
“Don’t ignore me. I’m-”
“Out! I have to get dressed!” She looks at him and quickly covers her eyes with her hand.
“You could’ve said so earlier!”
“I didn’t notice until now.” He pushes her out the door and locks it behind her.
“I did not want to see that” her voice is muffled. He grabs the bathrobe and pulls it on.
“I’m coming out” he walks out. Crane still has an arm covering her eyes. He hurries to the bedroom and shuts the door. “Go make yourself some coffee in the kitchen. You know where I keep it. I’ll be there soon.”
“Ok,” she pauses and calls back, “you still have some shaving cream on your face by the way.” He mutters a curse.
“Thanks”
“No problem, brother dear”
He sticks his head out and makes a shooing gesture, “Go!” She laughs and saunters away.

Finally! I made it to chapter seven! I have to say this is one of your best, you put more description in, but you could do better! I kinda like this Crane girl, this is one big family reuinion isn't it?! Haha, keep it up! Im excited for what's next!

I'm here, as promised!

I. Nitpicks:

“I did not want to see that!”

Forgot to close this sentence off. I say an exclamation mark fits into here perfectly.

“Thanks.”

Period should be added into the end.

“No problem, brother dear.”

Another period.

Okay so this happened three times. I do think that it was an accident as it hasn't actually happened before in the text, but you know, they are needed. Very needed.

II. Plot/Arc:

I like the way you organised this so that its jumping through time. Very sufficient and very drawing. To me, this story was rather enticing. You brought it alive with strong, defiant words and made it seem more life like then any other peice I have read. Though, there is something I majorly dislike about this and I feel awkward about. Your tense. Now, you do not have to change it on the accounts of me, because others may fancy this present tense. Although to me, I did not like it.

Maybe because I've never read a book with present tense (if you get what I am saying) but I do not think it suits this peice. Past tense on the other hand seems to do it a favour. I went through and reorganised it and it sounded a lot better, it sounded even more real then you have already made it. In my honest opinion: I think you should change it, but then again that is only my opinion. You do not have to waive everything on the accounts of me.

III. Overall:

This was a great read. I thoroughly enjoyed the time jumping and the way you explained it. I do have one negative but you already know about that. I look forward to reading more to this peice as I feel perplexed to keep going. This, again, is a flamin' good job. You do have a lot of talent.

Keep on Writing,

Cassa de Review-ae.

Hello, here as requested

Reading this was enjoyable, I went through it rather quickly, and was very disappointed when I noticed I was at the end. Present tense is really hard to interpret well, and I think you had some problems with that in the beginning, by this I mean before your MC sister broke into his house. So I think this would be better in past tense but you're not having any BIG problems with present tense so take this bit of advice lightly.

Your opening was awkward, and I think you could have injected a bit more imagery of where exactly Seres was being held.

Seres gasps awake, still on the cold floor of the meeting hall. He gets up, wincing. Every muscle in his body throbs. I should not sleep on cold, stone floors. He still feels dizzy, the room gently bobbing around him."Hiram, that bastard. If I see him again I'll kill him," he mutters.

I mean, describe what the meeting hall looks like -unless you have described it in earlier chapters. I do like the conflict between Seres, Wolf and Harkim (If I got that name right...)

I don't think I can comment on the plot as I don't know where exactly this is going to. But I do want to know where it's going and if Wolf's sister is going to be there because so far she's my favorite character and not just because she doesn't mind a bit a breaking and entering, but because your dialogue truly flows when you're writing about her.

Hope this helped in anyway possible.

Anger

Hey, Idra! Here as requested.

I noticed that you said something about critiquing based on characterization but because I have not read the previous 7 chapters I feel as if I missed a lot of characterization. Therefore, my review is solely based on this chapter alone and what I see in it. If I were to open your book and start reading from this chapter, these would have been my thoughts...

Seres gasps awake, still on the cold floor of the meeting hall. He gets up, wincing. Every muscle in his body throbs. I should not sleep on cold, stone floors. He still feels dizzy, the room gently bobbing around him."Hiram, that bastard. If I see him again I'll kill him," he mutters.

I feel like you're cutting up your description, thus making it's flow choppy.
I'll take this sentence for example: "He still feels dizzy, the room gently bobbing around him."
They just don't connect, the comma in between kind of splits the two if you know what I mean.
Try rewording it differently. I would say: "He put a hand over his head as he watched the room gently bob around him." <- This indicates that he is dizzy without actually using the word 'dizzy'. In cases, wordings like this are more powerful.

Wolf says, from the doorway, watching him warily

You're crowing your dialogue with too many action/description.
Instead, cut this part out. Lose the dialog tag and simply say: Wolf watches him warily from the door way.
What you have to keep in mind is, simplicity rules. Description should be used when it's a necessity, when you're explaining deep emotions, scenes, etc. Don't use too many words and clog up your story or it will become difficult to read and get into. Let's take these two sentences as an example...
She held the silver encrusted glass, swaying the blood red liquid inside of it with a twirl.
vs.
She held the glass, casually swirling the wine.
I'd go with the second, unless the glass is really that important...which in most cases, it isn't.
I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

Seres jumps, stumbles, catches himself and glares at him, "I'll kill you too…what are you doing here? I thought you'd be off celebrating with them."

Incorrect dialogue tag. Yes, dialogue can be quite tricky. I honestly had trouble with this too until I finally got the jist of it a while ago. Basically, do not place a comma unless you're going to use a tag. Why? Because quotes don't 'action' they 'speak'. Examples of this include:
"Stay away from my wife," he jumped up and grabbed his collar. (Incorrect)
"Stay away from my wife." He jumped up and grabbed his collar. (correct)
"Stay away from my wife," he growled, jumping up and grabbing his collar. (Correct) Notice the tag "he growled".
If you have questions, feel free to PM me and we can discuss it further.

"I'm fine. Your concern is not needed," he takes a step forward and sways.

Note what I said above.

"Get out of my sight," Seres snaps.

Whoo, correct!

The evening light reflects off of the dust particles floating in the air.

I actually hate it when this happens. I feel like I can see the dirty in the world and want to clean up. >.<

Hiram sits behind the desk and gets started on his paperwork. Wolf treads softly out of the room.

You have a tendency of stating actions very blandly. He does this and then the other guy does this.
Make it more spicy, readable and enjoyable.
"Hiram sits and starts his paperwork as Wolf trends softly out of the room."
Suggestion.

“Fine, fine I won’t do it again,” she crosses her fingers behind her back, “I promise.”

How does he know she's crossing her fingers? You are writing in Wolf's perspective, even though it's in third person, right?


I think characterization wise, you do pretty good. I can feel their personalities between their dialogues more than I can feel them with the description. Speaking of description, you have the minimum but it isn't bad but I think you can make that little bit of description a tad be stronger so it really pops out and grabs a hold of your readers. Some of your flow was off and scene transitions were as clean as I would have liked but nonetheless, you did a pretty good job. As for your story, it sounds interesting and if I were at the bookstore I might just pick this up and try to read it. However, right now I'm busy so I don't have time to go back and review your novel but if I have the time later, I might do that. =)

In the end, I wasn't able to understand much of what was going on, even with the summary. Actually, I think I was confused more after the summary mostly because there were a lot of names to memorize and events that happened. Anyway, it was an interesting read nonetheless. Good job!

Hope I helped,
-Pink

Hi again! Sorry it took me ages to get round to reviewing again. Blame it on a combination of me being lazy and having lots of homework. XD

I have to admit, I'm still fairly confused about what's going on. The bits at the beginning of the chapter telling you when the action is taking place help, but it's still hard to follow. I've pretty much given up trying to piece together what's happening, and am just following things as they come, and that actually is working pretty well. XD

I really liked this chapter though. I especially liked the part with Crane and Wolf. I've said in previous comments that I found Crane the least characterised of all of them, but I really liked her character in this one, and the sibling dynamic between her and Wolf. I hadn't realised until now that they were sister and brother (I thought they were husband and wife for several chapters) so I think it might help if you made that clear earlier on. But, as I said, I really liked their conversation and the comic touches.

I haven't read other people's comments so someone might already have mentioned this, but this chapter switches into past tense quite a lot:

“So what do we do (should be a question mark here)” he (should be a capital H) paces around the office, avoiding the patches of sunlight that dotted the auburn carpet.

“We could search the records office,” Wolf suggested.

Dialogue punctuation is still a bit funny in places. I do like the fact that you're putting description in though; it makes scenes like this much easier to visualise.

Overall this was a good chapter with interesting interactions between the characters, and not nearly as confusing as some of the others, and I'm looking forward to reading the next one.

See you at chapter eight!