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Zadar: Chaper One



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Tue Nov 02, 2010 4:48 pm
emmylou1995 says...



Chapter One

The frustration overwhelmed me, leading me to curl my fist and punch the tree beside me. My knuckles split open and blood rushed towards the ground, slowly weaving its way through the cracks in the cold bark. I bit my lip, the pain from my knuckles causing my vision to become crystal clear. Ripping a piece of cloth from my short dress, I wrapped it gingerly around my hand. A strand of my greasy black hair fell into my eyes and I angrily pushed it back behind my ear.

Its just not right!

I gazed up into the silver paleness of the moon to calm myself down. Silently, I pressed on through the dark forest with the many branches posing as hands reaching out to grab me. My eyes caught the faintest smudge of movement to my right. I silently lifted my simple wooden bow, and strung an arrow. My acute sense of hearing allowed me to hear the munching of a deer that grazed several feet away. I could hear its breath and feet on the leaf covered ground. Forcing back the string of my bow, I smiled.

I let the arrow fly, but not before the deer's ear twitched and it ran away from me. I barely heard the arrow slither through the air and hit the tree behind where the creature once stood as I began to chase it through the trees. I dodged branches and jumped over large logs covered in bright green moss. The chase awakened an adrenaline lodged deep within me, it allowed my heart to beat faster and my blood to flow quicker.

I sped through the forest, the deer a blur of tan just ahead of me. As I came close enough to the creature, I froze in my tracks and let a second arrow fly. It danced with such speed that I could hear the body of the deer as it thumped heavily to the ground. The sound seemed to echo through the hollow trunks surrounding me. I ran to where the deer lay, shaking but still alive. I bowed my head and whispered a prayer of grace and mercy to the heavenly Father, Lemai, as I unsheathed my knife and dug it into the creatures neck to end its misery. Laying my hand on its forehead, I closed its eyes, but not before I saw the look of fear in them. It made me sick to my stomach. Leaning to my left, I threw up onto the ground.

I wiped my mouth, then lifted the deer and headed back to my village.

Small houses, some with thatched roofs and some with shingled roofs sat quietly on the single, narrow road. My long black hair fell once more from behind my ear to in front of my face. I could not push it back, for my hands were full. I laid the creatures body before the door of the village Chief's home as I had every few nights during the latest moon cycle.

I do it to show the Chief that I disagree with the Old Laws. The Old Laws state that women are not allowed to hunt, for they do not have a heart meant for killing. Women are “supposed” to produce children and tend the gardens. And the Chief is a stickler to the Old Laws. He has forbidden me to hunt, but it is what I live for. So I hunt, just to prove to myself that he is wrong.

I left the dead animal, walking towards the scarlet fountain at the center of the village. It rose high above the ground, elegant for the eye to look upon. The statue of an eagle was poised on the top of the fountain, its wings tucked to its side. The Eagles face was poised North. Crystalline water, clear as a childs tear with a blue haze surrounding it, flowed from the eagle's mouth down to a small pool underneath it. From that small pool it fell and broke the surface of the large pool beneath, creating the sound of tiny bells calling into the dark night. It smelled of rain; soft, soothing rain. I twirled my hand in the water, the coolness enveloping my pale fingers as snow would soon envelope my legs. I sighed, knowing that the Old Laws were always going to be in use.

I stood, wiping the water of the fountain off of my hand and onto my short white dress. Turning, I walked towards my home. As the small hut came into view, I frowned. It is so small, theres hardly enough room inside for my family of six. Every time I look at it, I realize how different it is from the other homes of the village. Most of the others were a good sized three rooms, some with four. But no, my house had to be the only two room hut that must provide a roof for the biggest family of the village. Lifting the leather-hard animal skin flap that posed as the door, I returned to my cot. The fire in the middle of the room had almost completely burnt out, though a few wispy flames still leapt up towards the ceiling of the house, where a small hole was stationed in order for the heat and smoke to escape the small space. The flames were like thin, orange arms that reached out for me, hungry for my skin, hungry with the urge to cause me pain. Around me the room was cast in shadows, darkness filling every corner.

I curled up on my cot, the scratchy straw making my limbs itch. I stared at the bottom of my brother's cot above me, my eyelids slowly drooping. The edges of my vision became hazy as exhaustion made my heart beat slow to a simple but steady rhythm.

“Tell me you were not hunting, Aralyn,” my older brother whispered from his cot above me. I jumped, jolted awake by the sound of his voice, and smacked my head on the bottom of his cot. I rubbed my forehead, cursing under my breath.

“Why do you care, Casimir?” I whispered back angrily, laying on my pillow once more.

“Because I was there when the chief said that if you hunt, you would be banished.”

“Its not fair though!” I whined in a hushed voice.

“So you were hunting.”

“Yes, and-”

“If chief finds out-”

“I get banished. I know, you just reminded me!”

“Please, Aralyn, be careful. Make the right choices. I have never known you to make bad ones, but now, I'm not so sure,” he sighed heavily.

I licked my lips. “Goodnight, Casimir.”

Silence met my ears as I drifted into the land of a dreamless slumber.


I ducked behind a thin tree the next day as a short boy sailed past, not even glancing at me. My face was covered in sweat, my heart pumping fast. I tried to breath normal as I peeked out from the tree. Beyond the tree line sat my village, bathed in the golden afternoon light. To my left I caught sight of movement. I swiveled my head to inspect, but before I could see anything, someone fell on top of me. Our limbs became intertwined as we fell to the leaf colored ground in a heap.

“Get off!” I whispered angrily, pushing them off my back.

Turning, I saw long brown hair and rosy cheeks. I sighed. It was Nella, my little seven year old sister. Her young, innocent blue eyes seemed to laugh at me. She stood and helped me up.

“Come on, Sis, Gibby gonna find us if we don't hide!” she yelped, bouncing up and down with excitement.

“I don't even like playing tag, Nella,” I said, my voice tired.

“I don't care. Momma told you to play, so you have to! Lets hide in the market!” she said as she pulled my wrist towards the village. I tried to resist her, but then I gave in.

Let her be seven.

Let her have a childhood, Aralyn, you know you never had one. You were so busy teaching yourself skills for survival in this poor world, teaching yourself to be a rogue when your siblings could not eat, and your parents were weak. You had to step up to the plate and learn to steal. You were so young, you had no choice but to take away your own childhood from yourself. But it kept you alive, and it kept your family alive.

Thats what matters most.

Be glad Nella need not learn those skills.

I allowed Nella to pull me through the trees and into the village. Once there, she trampled down the road with me in tow, and headed straight for the scarlet fountain. We came in sight of the marketplace. It was filled with people, the perfect place to hide from Gibby and the other kids. I could smell caramel corn and scented apples. The sound of fiddles danced upon my ears. The sky above was blue, with a few wispy clouds traveling across the sun. The marketplace was crowded, people of all sizes and shapes bumping into one another. The exotic and erratic merchants from all corners of the world were trying to sell their goods, calling out to people as they passed. The market had always interested me, maybe because it was so lively and colorful.

Soon, the market would be empty. It would be still and eerie for many weeks. This was the very last time that the merchants and traders traveled this way. In fact, today was the last day. Until next spring, they would all stay away from this area. No one dared journey through the Farahad Forest, the forest surrounding the village, in the winter. It spelled certain death, especially for traders and their goods, whether it be livestock, linen or food.

But the market was nonetheless the perfect place to pick pockets.

As Nella led us into the jumble of figures, I quietly slipped away without her noticing. I had a thin body, so I was able to slip between the people that crowded around me, even though I was five foot seven. I slunk through the bodies, until I found one with an open pocket. Reaching my slender hand in, I removed a small knife, several copper coins, and a smooth blue stone. I stuck the treasures into my shoes and kept searching, grabbing every purse and wallet and valuable thing I could. I have never been caught, and I never will be.

After some time, I escaped the market and slipped behind a house. I sighed, glad from my days work. I know picking pockets is wrong, but my family cannot live with what money we earn. My Mother, Hiliry, stays at home with my baby brother, Hui. My Father, Kilo repairs shoes and he gets almost no money for his work.

And my older brother? Well, he hunts, but he doesn't get paid. And, not to be rude, but he isn't the best hunter around.

My parents allow me to pick pockets because they know they cannot feed their children without it, even though it is wrong and dangerous. In our village, thieves are put to death, no matter how low or high the crime.

I took the back way to the house, walking in the meadow of tall weeds that surrounds the village. The five foot high weeds were golden this time of year. Between the end of fall and the beginning of winter. Most of the trees in the forest have lost their leaves as well, though several still hold on tightly to their branches.

As I finally came into view of the hut, skipping onto the road from the meadow, I realized how much it needed to be rebuilt. It was a small building made of wood, with two tiny windows and a dark, weathered deerskin for the door flap. Walking forwards, I lifted the deerskin flap and entered the two room home. The main room was furnished with a simple wooden table and five stools, alongside a makeshift sink and a cabinet to hold the few dishes the family owned. To the left of the door was the fire pit, with a very thin slab of rock over the flames that served as the stove. The family teakettle sat on the stove as water within became heated. On the wall behind the table stood a tall door to the bathroom and a long shelf filled with books and trinkets. On the left and right walls were the cots.

My Mother sat at the table, baby Hui strapped to her stomach. Her long red hair was up in a messy bun. She smiled as I entered, though at work cutting up a carrot. Her eyes were weary. She needs sleep. Since the baby was born a year ago, she has seemed almost like a ghost. She is weak, hardly speaks, and doesn't laugh anymore, though she does smile.

Mother used to know witchcraft. She had learned it from her grandparents when she was young and had tried teaching it to me. Since then, so many years ago, the chief has hated her. Witchcraft, or in other words, potion making, is not permitted in our village. Another of the Old Laws. The chief, the same one that rules the village now, had her thrown in prison, a rag tag building surrounded by village hunters, to teach her a lesson. Well, it worked. I never learned witchcraft, and now, the chief hates Mother. That is part of the reason the family is so poor, the chief won't lower our taxes, which is paid in produce, and he doesn't ever spare a silver coin for us when we need food or milk for baby Hui. That is why I became a pickpocket.

“Hello Mother. Go and rest,” I said, taking the baby from her. She smiled again, not saying a word, but turning towards her cot after I took the baby. She was asleep in minutes.

I strapped baby Hui to my stomach, using Mothers baby hammock. His eyes were shut tight, his mind off in another world, a world of dreams. I finished cutting Mothers carrot, the bright orange color strikingly vivid. It made me think of freshly grown pumpkins, and the leaves of the trees in autumn. I threw the small squares into the large cooking pot over the fire, stirred the stew, and returned to the table. Spreading out my treasures before me, I smiled. Two small knifes, a blue rock, five silver buttons, and thirty seven copper pieces sat on the wood of the table.

“We can probably sell the knifes and buttons, but not the rock,” I decided aloud.

I felt the the rock. It was smooth and round, too much so for the tiny object to have been created by natural means. It was flawless, with several small veins of green hidden beneath the surface of the stone. It seemed to have an almost blue haze around it. I wonder who I took it from?

The stone slipped from my hands as my brother came through the door. I jumped, surprised.

“Hi, Casimir. Any good kills?” I asked, regaining my posture and retrieving the stone, slipping it into the pocket of my ragged tan coat.

“Nope, I see you went picking today,” he said, nodding towards the copper pieces on the table as he threw his tan coat onto his bed.

“You know that if you let me hunt, I could get you some game.”

“Stop, Aralyn. I am sick of this. The chief doesn't allow it. I'm sorry,” he apologized. His clothes were dirty, his dark hair messy as if he had just woken up.

“Whatever. Go out to the river and clean yourself, dinner shall be ready in twenty minutes,” I ordered, taking on Mothers role while she slept. Casimir reluctantly gathered his soap and clothes and left to freshen himself up. I took the long wooden spoon and mixed the stew. Large bubbles rose to the top of the heated stew, bursting as they hit the air. Baby Hui woke and began a high pitched wail that hurt my ears. I sat by the fire and stroked his chubby pink face, his eyes wide open now, their pupils a striking blue, like Nella's. His ears were small, his tiny locks of hair as black as mine. As his howls worsened, I began to sing quietly, a song that all of the people in Zadar had to learn at a very young age.

Its name is The Course Of Destiny. The song is about an ancient prophet that foresees the future and tells about a sorcerer called Morro who takes over the world, and sends fires raging about the lands, killing all in his path.

Around, all around, the shadows gather.
The light for which we always yearned,
flared once, then died.
A time of peace
of happiness,
gone in a whisper of wind,
by black magic.

The night falls in a heavy cloak..
Entwined are we.

It is a night of dark premise,
a song of blood.
It is a time of sorrow,
of hate that curls into clouds of death.

Morro of Sago, the Father of hate,
shall rise to the throne.
His mask, black as the living night,
kills all that stare.

Every moment of eternity
he waits.

A clouded vision of memory,
understanding and wisdom,
washed away in a torrent of rain.
All hope must surely perish,
and fall into the now blackened,
unfertile earth.

The night falls in a heavy cloak..
Entwined are we.

Morro shall rise and destroy all.
Ravage the homes of the living.
Lost souls surround us.
We have lost the light.

The night falls in a heavy cloak..
Entwined are we.

Its said to be true, but I don't believe it. It is a whole bunch of hogwash. It's meant to scare the people of Zadar, to show them fear and teach them courage. To get them ready for the apparent sorcerer named Morro who is prophesied to destroy the world. The song doesn't really do anything but tell us we are going to die, though.

But the prophet was wrong, so why need worry? This is a time of peace, of happiness for all of Zadar. Why would anything bad ever happen?

As soon as the baby heard my voice he quieted, it was my voice that soothed him, not the words of the song. They sooth no one. But it was one of the only songs I knew, and I knew it by heart. I sat in the same spot until Casimir returned from bathing, Father returned from his workshop, and Nella returned from playing tag. Mother woke at that point as well. We all sat down around the table, munching at our stew. I still held baby Hui, but Mother fed him sips from her stew. Father cleared his throat and I looked up at him.

“Aralyn, your nineteenth birthday is only days away. Do you know what you would like?” he asked me.

I swallowed what stew I had been chewing and nodded.

“Yes. I want three things for my birthday. One, I want to see the mountains. I want to travel.”

“Honey, you are meant to stay here and learn how to care for a family. Please for the love of Lemai stop talking about this mountain nonsense,” Mother sighed heavily.

“Okay, what if Lemai is the one telling me to leave?” I countered.

“Aralyn! Do not speak of your Holy Father that way!” Mother cried angrily.

I moved on from the frustrating topic.

“Two, I wish to lean magic.”

Nella laughed. “Really? Its never going to happen. All the wizards and sorcerers of Zadar live in cities, not villages like this.”

I watched her quietly, knowing she was probably right.

“You never know, it could happen,” Father said as Mother began to wash the dishes.

“No, I know,” She chuckled, “It ain't gonna happen!”

Mother frowned. “Use correct language, Nella. “It is never going to happen” is the right way to say that.”

“And third?” Casimir asked me.

I paused, thinking.

“I want to hear Mother laugh.”

The house froze in silence for a couple seconds, and time felt lost. A feeling came over me that felt strikingly cold, the feeling that I should not mention that wish ever again. Then the house became busy again. Time once again entered the small building and wore on, never to cease its ticking.

I sighed as I felt the weariness creep up on me and passed the baby to Mother. Grabbing my nightgown and soap, I headed outside to wash in the river before sunset. The path from the village to the river was short. The trees were dense here, bushes lining the dirt path. The evening was quiet, no one else in sight. A light breeze whistled in the cool air, the leaves having changed long ago, a lot covering the path, and some still on their trees. It was late autumn, winter waiting just around the corner, though beautiful orange leaves still lit the branches of several of the many trees. I pushed aside a bare gray branch and the small river came into view.

The water was calm; a bright turquoise blue. I strode forward, feeling not dirt on my feet anymore, but wet sand. It felt heavy and scratchy. With every step forward, the the crumbs of rocks filled the holes my feet left behind. Tall cattails swung in the evening breeze. I glanced into the water as I removed my dress and stockings. Since the liquid was so clear, I could see the soft sand of the river floor, and the deep blue pool that emerged towards the middle of the wide pathway of water. I could also see little multicolored fish and strange looking water creatures. One had long fins and two short legs, along with a teal belly and green fur, another was fat and purple. I kicked off my slippers and stood in my light cotton dress that I bathe in.

I lay my clothes and nightgown on a branch of a close tree, and gingerly stepped into the water. Then, I smiled. Its warm. Wading in, I could feel the soft sand on my feet and see the rainbow fish swimming around my legs and torso. The water was like caramel; silky and warm, smooth and swirly. Every subtle movement I made sent ripples floating down the river. Then, I felt the sand fall away from my feet, and I knew I was in the deep blue pool. I lay down on the water, spreading out my arms and fingers. My black hair swirled around my head. I closed my eyes, a feeling of peace washing over me.

“There's a silver snake in your hair,” a voice called from above me.

I screamed suddenly, flailing my arms and dipping beneath the waters surface. I panicked as the image of a silver snake glided into my head. The black gnashing teeth and millions of tiny legs, paired with a long sinewy body lent me no comfort. As I surfaced once more, spitting water from my lips, I glanced around in the blue water. No silver snake met my eyes. I glared upwards at the trees.

A girl, about five feet tall, jumped off a branch and dove into the water. I gasped as she broke the surface, short red hair spiky and wet. She rubbed the water from her eyes and we smiled at each other. It was my best friend, Aliyah. I swam over to her and punched her in the arm while the grinned at me.

“That was so great, Aralyn. You looked like a wild hog monkey!” she laughed, punching me back. I ducked under the water, grabbing her thin ankles and pulling her down. Aliyah joined me beneath the surface of the water. It was silent, us sending noiseless laughs to each other with our eyes. We swam deeper and hit the bottom of the river, being careful around the knife rocks. The rocks were sharp enough to cut through bone, yet their various shades of silver gray was intoxicating. Aliyah and I floated back to the surface.

I welcomed the fresh air with a chuckle.

“So, did you go hunting last night?” she asked, swimming away.

I rubbed my soap on my body. “Um, no, why?”

Aliyah stopped moving and sent a quizzical look to me.

“Don't lie to me, Aralyn,” she said.

I sighed. “Of course I went hunting! The chief forbids me to hunt because I am a girl? He's such an idiot! What did you expect me to do?”

“Nothing but go hunting,” she shook her head. “Sometimes, Aralyn, its not good to break the rules.”

“Yeah, whatever. I'm a pick pocket. Thats breaking rules, too.”

“Yes, but the chief told you, publicly, that if you hunted you would be banished!” she argued.

“Oh please. Aliyah, come on. He'll never know!” I laughed as I stepped out of the water and dressed into my nightgown after drying myself with a giant fuzz leaf. I put on my slippers and smiled at Aliyah as she stared at me from the shallow part of the river.

“Listen, Aralyn, my family cannot take you in if you are caught,” she warned me.

“I know,” I said.

“I'm just asking you to be careful, okay? With the wolves and everything, it's dangerous out there even for the men.”

I nodded. The wolves have always been an enemy of the village, for they have killed many of our people. Some years ago, they killed Aliyah's older brother, Ash. Since then, other lives have been taken, though the bodies have never been found. And because the wolves have killed so many of ours, we have in turn killed many of theirs. It is a blood bath, and it will never cease to exist.

I turned and began to walk away, “Bye, Aliyah.”

“Night. Tell Casimir I said to keep an eye on you,” she yelled after me as I left, walking down the pathway towards home. The forest had become dark while I had been bathing. I emerged from the woods and entered the house. Mother lay in her cot, sleeping already. Casimir and Nella were climbing into their beds, and Father was leaning into baby Hui's crib kissing him on the cheek. Father glanced at me as I walked through the door.

He said nothing, only glanced at me, then he climbed into bed beside mother.


Several days later, the scarlet fountain was surrounded by tables filled to the brim with steaming turkey and deer. Next to the plates of deer sat food like cubed cheese and frozen gu-gu berries. I tossed a berry into my mouth and the spicy sweetness rolled over my tongue and into my throat. A smile spread over my face as the lively music met my ears, and compelled me to do a short jiggle. I laughed, feeling almost drunk. People of the village sat around me at the many tables and enjoyed the fresh food provided for them. Many more people stood and danced near the musicians. I stood and filled my large mug to the top with bubbling ale. Gulping some down my throat, I burped loudly, and some men around me gurgled with laughter.

Banners of blue and gold were hung from the tip of the scarlet fountain to the surrounding houses. The sky was a refreshing turquoise and a light breeze intertwined with my brown locks. Small children ran around me, dancing and laughing with one another. I joined hands with them and danced in circles, laughing at their amazing energy. I locked eyes with Aliyah for a moment and she got the message. Jumping up, she came over and began to spin with the children and I. We all fell on the ground, laughing so hard that our faces turned red.

It was my birthday today, and birthdays were something the whole village celebrated together.

“Happy birthday, Aralyn!” a group of men called out, the festivities pausing for them, then beginning again. I clapped my hands in tune with the music as I felt a child tug at my sleeve. I turned to see Nella at my side.

“Yes, little sister?” I called to her over the noise.

“Happy birthday!” she yelled back.

I smiled as she gave me a big hug.

“Mother and Father want to see you, they're by the cake!” she screamed into my ear. I nodded to let her know I understood, then she disappeared into the crowd of dancers running after her friends. Grabbing my mug of ale, I took a swig then ran over to where the cake sat. It was tall and round, covered with white frosting and tiny yellow and orange flowers. Small rocks of different sizes littered the bottom of the silver tray the cake sat on. The aroma of the cake was sweet with a pinch of cinnamon in it. I sniffed in deeply as the smell enveloped me. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. Turning, I saw my Father dressed in a simple red tunic. He did not smile when he took my hand and led me up the stairs of a small wooden stage. As I hugged him, I felt very disconnected from him, then Mother, Casimir and Nella walked onto the stage as well.

The festivities died down as people noticed us standing and waiting for silence.

“My fellow villagers, I thank you all for this amazing party. I would like to personally thank the musicians and the man who baked my wondrous cake, Levon. You have all made me feel very special this afternoon. Though, my most thanks go to my parents and siblings. Thank you guys, for the best birthday ever!” I said to both the crowd and my family.

Everyone cheered for me and for my family for a few moments. Mother glanced at me and soundlessly told me to announce the chief. A heavy sigh escaping my lips.

“And please welcome, our very own, Chief Ilko.”

My family and I climbed down the stairs to the ground. After a second round of applause, I caught sight of the short golden robed figure, making his way to the stage. His head was bald, the sun shining bright on it. I leaned over to Aliyah, who stood next to me.

“Its a wonder his head is not red as a tomato!” I giggled.

Aliyah hesitated, knowing it was wrong, but then she could not hold in her awkward laugh. She glared at me, her hand slapping over her mouth. I laughed as the chief began to speak.

“People of my humble village, welcome. We are gathered her today to celebrate the birthday of our very own Aralyn Beck, who is now nineteen. May we present our gift to her,” he said in a low and slurred voice. I noticed the deepening wrinkles on his forehead and hands. In his palm sat a hand carved cane. His ears were unnaturally small, the left one half gone for a reason no one knows. I touched my own ears then, and felt the tall tip at the top. My ears were three inches long, one and a half more inches long than everyone else's in the village.

Thats how I know I am different. Thats how I figured out, long ago, that I was not born to this village, to this family. I have known for a while, and I have always felt a small pinch of not belonging here. Not only that, but I sometimes think of how I had come to live here. I mean, its not so often that an elven child is given to an all human family, an all human village. Because that is what I am. Elven. And though it offers me enhanced senses, like smell sight and hearing and an increased speed than most, it has its drawbacks. Well, only two at this stage in my life. The first is that being an elf forces upon me the unwanted...ability to make a promise and never, ever break it. I found that out the hard way. The second is that I have a natural want for adventure. Which, in some ways, is good. But living in this village, that natural want would almost be called illegal.

Father disappeared behind the stage for a moment.

When he returned, a small golden box was in his hands. He passed the box to me as I smiled excitedly. This box is the same box every girl gets on her nineteenth birthday, as the first stage of her steps into womanhood. And for every girl, what lays inside is something that she cares about. Lifting the tiny golden lid, I gasped at what lay inside. A small pendant sat on a puff of white fabric. It was a large onyx pendant in the shape of a curled up dragon. The details were exquisite, with the tail curling around the dragons face. Each tooth shone sharp as a dagger. The scales on the dragons back were each carved out with extreme craftsmanship. A small jade circlet was banded onto the dragons head, for it matched the small golden orb being grasped by the small dragons claws. The magnificence of the gift was breathtaking. Where in the world did my parents get this? It does not matter. Only that I have it.

Father removed the tiny dragon from the golden box and attached the chain together around my neck. The necklace was light, and it fell low upon my torso adding hardly a pound.

“Oh, Father! Oh, Mother! Thank you!” I screeched as I hugged Father tightly.

The party began again, even though once more, the hug felt cold. It was as if Father and I were growing more and more distant with every moment of every day. I realized I had gotten none of my birthday wishes fulfilled, and I felt myself frown but then the music pounded at my earlobes, upbeat and lively and I forgot about my wishes. The tables of food were needing a second round of platters. More wine and ale needed to be distributed.

I glanced at the stage suddenly, feeling eyes on my back. I found the chief staring at me. Our eyes met and his gaze unsettled me greatly. His eyes were like steel, fixed on me like he wanted to wring my neck with his own wrinkled palms. They were filled with suspicion and unexplained hatred. I met his gaze with a blank stare, in order to not give away my emotions. What reason does he have to hate me? Frowning in confusion, I rubbed my neck, the tiny hairs tingling.


Hours later, after the party, I was tired. My family and I trailed home and I began to get ready for bed. I felt mothers hand on my arm as I slipped my sleeping gown on.

“Don't sleep yet. We have another present for you.”

I frowned. “What? Another one?”

Nella and Casimir seemed confused as well. Mother smiled and set me down on my bed as Father went outside.

“Aralyn, you know you are not of this family. You know you are an elf. Everyone knows. Well, what you may not have guessed is that you were given to us as a child, by a woman who was not your Mother but your birth Mothers midwife. She offered us several things that she said your Mother had wanted you to have,” she explained.

I nodded, wondering where this was going.

“The first object was your necklace. She told your Father and I that it would help you discover your destiny. The second was a small chest of money,” she said as she sat a small wooden box on my lap and lifted the lid to reveal the shine of gold and silver coins.

“And the third was this...” she trailed off as Father stepped through the doorway once again.

A long curved stick sat in his hands, along with a circular container. I gasped as I realized what it was. A bow and quiver! He handed me the pair of hunting items. I bit my lip to keep myself from crying out in joy. I felt the bow, knowing at once it was made of dragon bone, by the Elves. An intricate design of an ancient battle began on each end on the stick, and curled inwards along the handle. The string was unicorn hair, known by everyone to be the strongest and most powerful string in all of Zadar. Each arrow was also made of bone, and the feathers of a golden falcon. The tip was cut in the shape of a dragons head that matched my necklace. Warmth flowed through my limbs as I lifted it and pulled back the string. It almost felt as if magic was coursing through my body, like music to my fingers.

I looked up at Father, a confused expression on my face.

“I absolutely love this gift, but I don't understand it.”

“Your Mother's midwife told us that if we wanted you to be the person you were, we had to give you this. She said you would understand someday. Of course, I don't think I ever will. And I do not necessarily like giving it to you, especially after what the chief said about you hunting, but I want you to be who you are. We hope you like it,” Father said without a smile.

I smiled despite realizing that I could not actually use the bow without being banished.

“I love it.”
Last edited by emmylou1995 on Mon Jan 17, 2011 4:07 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Wed Nov 03, 2010 12:57 am
Baywolf says...



Hey emmylou!

I read this earlier and then I had to go vote, but I'm back to review! :)

Impressions: I liked this. While I read, I got really excited about the storyline. It's interesting. I love the characters. They have just the right amount of spunk, humor, and squalor to make them real. Aralyn in particular is a very compelling MC. Fantasy is where I breathe easiest, and I have to say it wasn't cliche in the sense that some fantasy stories can be. Sure, it follows the heroine/hero who's different and has a destiny theme, but it doesn't beat you over the head with it. There's enough uniqueness to your story to make me pay attention and keep reading. Actually, once I started reading, I couldn't stop.

Grammar: Okay, so here's the deal. There were some grammatical issues, but nothing too horrific to detract from the story. Those are easy to fix.
Until the chief says so, I am forbidden to hunt, for hunting is only a man's sport.
'man' just sounds better and you need the apostrophe to show ownership.
It's so small, theres hardly enough room inside for my family of six.
"it is=it's"
I could hear my sister's recurring tune of heavy breathing.
Again, apostrophe for ownership, and recurring is what I think you meant by reoccuring. If you want to, I think re-occuring might work with a hyphen, but recurring means persistent or continuous, so I think it fits better. It's also less awkward.
my heart beat decreasingly fast.
I just thought this was a strange way of phrasing a slowing heartrate. It's easier and less confusing to the reader if you say it in a way we can easily understand. Like, "my heart began to slow" or something like that. "Decreasingly fast" is just weird. No offense. :)
Once there, she tramped down the road with me in tow, and headed straight for the scarlet fountain.
For some reason, 'trampled' didn't sound right. Haha. I think you meant tramped. I pictured little Nella stomping on the stones, crushing them, and it made me laugh.
imagining the elves perfectly carved weapons. Yes, that's what I want.
Apostrophe, yet again. Those were quite prevalent throughout I noticed.
Okay, well I think you got the idea. None of your errors were grave misconducts, so don't worry too much about those. Just be sure to go back and proof-read so they don't slip by you. :)

In all, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. The song was a nice touch, very Tolkien of you. I hope you post more soon, and if you do, please let me know. It's not often I find a story like this. I'm almost reminded of Eragon, but then again, I love the Inheritance Cycle, so that's a good thing! Good luck!

Happy Writing!
Bailey
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

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all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux
  





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Sat Nov 06, 2010 12:13 am
tuckerluvr says...



Then, I silently pressed on through the dark forest, the many branches like hands reaching out to grab me.


I would get rid of the "Then".

A light breeze whistled in the cool air, the leaves just beginning to change color in preparation for autumn.

then...
The leaves showed the telltale signs of winter. The path was littered with dead leaves, brown and rotting.


This was just before and after her bath. Before it's late summer, and after it's late autumn/early winter.

I really couldn't stop reading! It got me hooked from the beginning. I, and any other reader for the matter, would want to read on. Nice job :wink:
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Sat Nov 06, 2010 1:24 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Hello there Emmy,

Tanya here for a review! I started reading this piece and I kept thinking, "Wait a minute, I've read this before!" I went back and checked out for portfolio and found that I had, in fact, read parts of it before :D Yay for my memory!

Let her be seven.

Let her have a childhood, Aralyn, you know you never had one. You were so busy teaching yourself skills for survival in this poor world, teaching yourself to be a rogue when your siblings could not eat, and your parents were weak. You had to step up to the plate and learn to steal. You were so young, you had no choice but to take away your own childhood from yourself. But it kept you alive, and it kept your family alive.
because this paragraph is Aralyn talking to herself, this needs to be italisezed.
That being said, I like this. It shows much of Aralyn in a few short sentences and also shows how much she loves her sister; she doesn't want to rob her childhood from her.

I have trouble understanding why she would make such a demand as her birthday presents. She knows that she isn't allowed to hunt, and she knows her parents don't have money. She even has a thought about how much it must have cost. I was fine with her demand until I saw she received it all in front of a crowd. If it was in the privacy on her own home, fine, but isn't this mocking the chief? I mean, he must have noticed that someone's been dumping the food on her doorstep and now she receives a brand-spanking new bow and arrow, made by the elves, that she's never going to use? I have much difficulty believing this.

“Just don't ask me for help if he catches you,” she spat.
Do you have a best friend, Emmy? I do. And if she were in trouble, I would always hold my door open for her. Why wouldn't Aliyah? I know times are hard, and that if Aliyah helped Aralyn she'd probably get in trouble. But, can't she mention something to that effect? Or maybe not 'spat' the words, which seems disdainful on her part. Maybe have her grab Aralyn's hands and said with a weird urgency, "You know I couldn't take you in if you got into any trouble'. Because this way just doesn't seem befitting of a best friend.

My nitpicks are almost done. One thing I wanted to mention: you should go over your piece again because you keep changing your tenses from the present to the past. If you want me to go into more detail, let me know and I'll point them all out, but I'm sure you can do it.

I really like this chapter. You showed off the world without being too showy, introduced us to an interesting cast of characters, blended fantasy with every day life, nicely done. I loved the added intrigue of Aralyn not being of this village, not this family. it would have been nice to know whether this was really something that bothered her, whether she questioned her parents about it; if her siblings know about it.

Great job, hope this was constructive and I would like to know when you post more of this, please.

Tanya :D
  





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Mon Jan 03, 2011 10:56 pm
Mizzle says...



Hello there, emmylou1995! I wish to thank you for requesting me to review this -- it was a fun read. I must apologize, however, for being slightly late to finish this review, at least by my standards. Anyways, I hope you are having a good day, and now let's get on to the review.

One of the first things I noticed about this story was how often you would slip between certain tenses (past to present). You would notice, I am sure, if you read this through out loud to yourself (or the wall, dad, mom, whatever suits your boot). It is not a hard problem to fix, but it generally comes about when a writer is writing in a new or unfamiliar tense. I understand if you want this story to be in present-tense, but my recommendation would be to write in whatever tense is more "comfortable" to you, aka, comes more naturally. That way, you can avoid the majority of slip-ups.

Another issue I want to address is the fact that Aliyah does not seem like much of a best friend to Aralyn. Not only does she Aliyah say that Aralyn should not count on her when she gets in trouble, Aliyah also just is kind of nasty in general. She glares at Aralyn on her birthday -- personally, my friends don't even glare at me, and especially not on my very own birthday, at my party. That just seems very bizarre to me. Why is Aralyn even friends with Aliyah?

Plus, Aliyah even seems like the kind of girl who would report Aralyn to the chief. Not only that, she looks like she is bipolar or something, with the way she is giggling and smiling at Aralyn and then spitting out rude lines like "don't come running to me," etcetera. Um, that's a total personality flip. I know my best friends generally comfort me when I am about to get in trouble, and would always offer a helping hand if I were in trouble. They would not, most certainly, turn me away.

In addition to that, Aralyn seems a little greedy, if you ask me. She asks for this remarkably unique Elf-carved bow and arrow set, among other things. She even ends up pondering how much that would have cost. This surprised me, because she does not seem like the kind of person to ask for very expensive gifts when her family is so poor. And she doesn't even bat an eyelash when she gets the gift -- nor does she thank her father and mother. Um, now that is what I call rude -- and she didn't seem like this kind of person in the beginning of the chapter. In addition to that, you say she has a satin bathing nightgown, and that strikes me as slightly odd as well. Satin is a slightly expensive fabric, like silk, so it seems strange that a girl from a poor family would have a satin nightgown. More like a cotton nightgown, in my opinion.

Another problem in this story is merely the way she acts. She puts a dead deer on the Chief's doorstep,and goes far enough to ask for a bow and arrow publicly when she knows she is banned from hunting. Instead of seeing her as brave or daring, I kind of get the impression that she is just stupid and. Yes, I did just say that. She seems like she doesn't think things through properly, and also comes off as, yes, stupid, because of that. Personally, I think this is merely because I cannot find a reason to detest the government (Chief) like she.

The only reason you present to us to detest the Chief and whatever other government there is is that cliche rule: only men are allowed to hunt. Well, as sexist as that is, it doesn't really make me hate them [the Chief/government] like she does, in fact, I don't even dislike them. The Chief slightly holds my pity, actually, because of his hand. He doesn't seem too bad, either. He's just enforcing rules. If you want us, the readers, to dislike him, you'll need to include other evidence showing he is cruel. Plus, Aralyn is an adult. She should know better. It would be worse if she was under eighteen and threatened to be banished, because then she would be a child, and I find that too harsh.

Overall, I did like this. There were some obvious problems (look above), but the story also had some wonderful things going for it as well. The names in the story, though made up, were very easy to pronounce, and I liked that. Some fantasy novels have long names that annoy me to death's end. Also, you introduced this new world very nicely to us, and I appreciate that. There weren't any info-dumps, of which I am grateful. I hope this helps you out.

Write more!

- Mizz
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Because after all, those wings will take you up so high."
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Tue Mar 15, 2011 1:12 am
Lauren2010 says...



Hey Emmy! Thanks for entering the First Chapter Contest! Here's your thanks-for-entering review you were promised :)

The frustration overwhelmed me, leading me to curl my fist and punch the tree beside me.

For a first line, this is so passive. A first line should pull you in, and this doesn't do the best job of that. I'd suggest just a simple rephrasing to make it more active. Something with more action, more showing. How does it feel to be overwhelmed with frustration? What visible effect does this have on her? Something visibly outstanding and emotion-charged will be more compelling.

As I finally came into view of the hut, skipping onto the road from the meadow, I realized how much it needed to be rebuilt. It was a small building made of wood, with two tiny windows and a dark, weathered deerskin for the door flap. Walking forwards, I lifted the deerskin flap and entered the two room home. The main room was furnished with a simple wooden table and five stools, alongside a makeshift sink and a cabinet to hold the few dishes the family owned. To the left of the door was the fire pit, with a very thin slab of rock over the flames that served as the stove. The family teakettle sat on the stove as water within became heated. On the wall behind the table stood a tall door to the bathroom and a long shelf filled with books and trinkets. On the left and right walls were the cots.

It seems like this description of the hut should be put the first time she goes into the hut. Now, it's the second time. It makes more sense for the description to be on the first encounter with the new location. ;)

I do it to show the Chief that I disagree with the Old Laws. The Old Laws state that women are not allowed to hunt, for they do not have a heart meant for killing. Women are “supposed” to produce children and tend the gardens. And the Chief is a stickler to the Old Laws. He has forbidden me to hunt, but it is what I live for. So I hunt, just to prove to myself that he is wrong.

What reason does she have to act this way? If she was brought up to be this kind of woman (mother and gardener) and every other woman is fine with that, then why isn't she? What has prompted her to want to hunt, how was she given the opportunity to discover the joy she feels in hunting?
Hmm, as I've read and the whole Elven thing has come up this makes more sense. Though, I still feel like she ought to have some sort of regret for not being able to please her family and village as a young woman of that people should.

Every time I look at it, I realize how different it is from the other homes of the village. Most of the others were a good sized three rooms, some with four. But no, my house had to be the only two room hut that must provide a roof for the biggest family of the village.

Why? Why would only one small hut be built? Does each family build their own home, or more into an existing one? Is this hut small because the family couldn't afford materials to build something bigger, or because it is converted from a smaller village building before? Why would the biggest family in the village be forced into the smallest home? This might seem like a little thing, but it is important for both the realism/believability of the story and it's also good character development. It helps to form a character more clearly if you know the circumstances for why they are the way they are.

I really enjoyed reading this. I love the life you have breathed into this world, everything felt more or less real and purposeful. You did a great job of weaving in details of the world to make it seem realistic without dumping a load of information on the reader. The characters were also well developed for a first chapter, even the minor characters were well developed and didn't fade into the background as can happen with those types of characters.

The chapter started off a little slow, but it definitely got better and picked up pace as it went on. Just go back and try to capture the same feeling in the beginning as in the middle and end. Bringing the reader in is the most important part, and that all starts with the beginning. Getting a reader invested as early as you can is key. ;)

Again, I enjoyed this and can see it definitely has great potential. Great job, and definitely keep writing!

Thanks again for entering!

-Lauren-
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