Young Writers Society

When you told me you loved me I was so happy.
You held me close and whispered in my ear.
I loved you.
You Loved me.
Or so I thought....

FATAL LOVE

When you broke up with me, my world shattered.
I hurled my phone down, tears running down my face.
Running out of my house into the street.
I ran to my car, yanking open my car door turning the ignition.

FATAL MISTAKE

The next morning you read in the paper:
TEEN KILLED IN VIOLENT CAR-CRASH

FATAL PAIN

You wandered through the next two years high school in a haze, never feeling or seeing. All you wanted was to join me.

FATAL WISH

one day you boarded a plane, never to see your family again.

FATAL DESISION

We lay side by side now and our tombstones read:
here lie two teenagers result of their

FATAL ATTRACTION

Hello there.

When you told me you loved me, I was so happy.

I ran to my car, yanking open my car door, turning the ignition.

You wandered through the next two years of high school in a haze, never feeling or seeing. All you wanted was to join me.

FATAL DECISION

Okay, so this didn't feel quiet like a short story... I totally see the story in this, but I kind of need more details... What happened for her to freak out? Or is it a him? Also, where are the feelings? We clearly see them when you describe him/her running out of the house, but that's pretty much it... This looks like a poem or something like that. It has a lot of potential and I love what you have right now, but I would write just a tad more about the characters and the event itself.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Hey there!

This story shows quite a bit of promise. It works really well as a flash fiction and I think you should keep it as such. But details still should be used in a flash fiction. Keep the short sentences and the short paragraphs. It's one of my personal favorite methods. It hits hard and hits fast. But throw in a few more details. What did he do on the plane? Did it crash? Did he jump? What else happened to him in high school? Keep it short and sweet but give me more. I think I got the impression across
Also I think the epitaph could be a little more poetic? I don't know, I just think more could be done with the ending, it's too sudden. Other than a few spelling and grammar stuff, I think you have a great start! Keep it up!

-Jpen

Heya

This piece is rather short, so this review will probably also be short... I'm not too sure how helpful I'll be as well because this piece is kind of different, and I'm not 100% sure what to say. I have some suggestions though, so hopefully, I'll be able to help out a little.

When you told me you loved me, I was so happy.

You loved me.

I ran to my car, yanking the door open, turning the ignition.

The next morning, you read in the paper:

They're the only nit-picks I have, so I'll just get straight on to the overall critique!

I have to agree with what the others have said actually; we need to hear more details. I can see that this is clearly a piece of flash fiction, but even flash fiction needs some details. As a whole, I like the idea of this story. I do have a dodgy obsession with depressing stories, so that might be partly why! It's just that without enough details, the story overall feels a little bland and distant, but not in a good way.

Now, you don't have to chuck a load of details into this story because it is flash fiction, after all. I just think that we need to know more so that us readers can feel the emotions in the story, not just read about them. The one detail you really do need to include is how the boyfriend dies. He boarded a plain? Then what...? I mean, boarding a plane doesn't kill you. Jumping out of one, or one crashing does. What I'm trying to say is that we need to know how the boyfriend actually died.

The only other issue I have is only something little. It's about your capitalisations on the Fatal... lines. Personally, I really don't like a full word to be capitalised. My opinion hasn't changed for this story either. If I were you, I'd actually swap the capital letters for simple italicised words. That way, the lines will still stand out clearly, but it will look an awful lot neater, and if I'm honest, they will be a lot more effective too. In the end, it's up to you, but that's what I'd suggest!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey, Pointe! Here as requested!

When you told me you loved me I was so happy.

This is too solid to fit into a poetic line. Happy? How so? Deepen that thought by giving us a simile or something.
Explain how she was happy, how he made her feel and why. What about made him different than the other guys?

Also, while I was reading this, I first thought it was a poem. :/
Maybe it would work well as a poem, might need some tweaking and brushing up but it could work as one, most certainly. But since this is in the short story section, I'll be reviewing as a short story.

Firstly, I would have enjoyed this much more if you made it longer. Maybe even break the parts into smaller stories of what happened during each part. For example, Fatal mistake could have been a scene where he goes downstairs for breakfast, finds the newspaper, drops his juice on the floor and screamed like a banshee. XD Just kidding, but I would suggest you lengthen this piece so we could take in the full effect here.

As far as the story goes, I think it was tad bit cliche. I've seen this done before but it's hard to write something that isn't a tad bit cliche so 'meh. You can always alter little parts here and there. I'm not too picky about cliche stories as long as they aren't so epically cliche that I feel like I'm reading two of the same books written by two different authors. So overall, my main critique here would be to add some deeper emotions, lengthen this piece, add some description and more imagery. After polishing this bit up, I think it'd make an interesting story to read.

Keep writing,
-Shear

You Loved me.

The l in loved needs to be lower case.

Or so I thought....

This part seems to interrupt the story. As the narrator is shocked by the breaking up, so should we.

one day you boarded a plane, never to see your family again.

One needs to be capitalized.

here lie two teenagers result of their

. Here needs to be capitalized.

This piece was interesting. I'm sure you've grown tired of hearing this, but it does need more detail. Using interesting imagery, almost like in an poem, could give it an extra umph that will bring the reader into the story. Just saying she was happy didn't make us fall in love with her, so we would completely empathize with her.

The line containing fatal break the story up. Perhaps italicizing them and adding the in front of them could really help.

Once you revamp this, this could really be amazing!

Write on,
Lacey

Hey, Point! Here now as requested.

First, the reviewers above have pointed out the nitpicks such as missing punctuations and mispellings, so I won't bother repeating them. I'll just tell you what, I think this would have been better as a narrative poem due to its shortness, because it's so short (adding images, of course). LOL But anyway, I guess you wanted it to be a short story. What I can say is, I hope you elaborated on it. =P Pathetic request, I know. I would have enjoyed it so much if you throw in real paragraphs. This is such a potential. I don't know if you meant it to be hilarious, but it's funny! XD I just wish you'd rewrite it! The twist was funny; in short, good plot. And the POV? How many times do you read a story where a person who died narrated what happened to her and her lavidavi's life?! =D/ I think it's unique. =P I enjoyed it actually. Just feel like a little brat screaming at you, "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT SOOOO SHORT! This should be a narrative poem." Haha!

Sorry for the worthless review. At least you now know what I think. I just don't have much else to say. I'll give an elaborated review on your novel. =)) Toodles for now!

KEEP WRITING!


~ Jash ♥

PS. what is up with the penguin? My father is such an influence, isn't she? whoopz! *covers mouth*

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Re: Fatal love

New postby PinkShearwater on Sun Nov 14, 2010 10:41 pm
Hey, Pointe! Here as requested!

When you told me you loved me I was so happy.


This is too solid to fit into a poetic line. Happy? How so? Deepen that thought by giving us a simile or something.
Explain how she was happy, how he made her feel and why. What about made him different than the other guys?

Also, while I was reading this, I first thought it was a poem. :/
Maybe it would work well as a poem, might need some tweaking and brushing up but it could work as one, most certainly. But since this is in the short story section, I'll be reviewing as a short story.

Firstly, I would have enjoyed this much more if you made it longer. Maybe even break the parts into smaller stories of what happened during each part. For example, Fatal mistake could have been a scene where he goes downstairs for breakfast, finds the newspaper, drops his juice on the floor and screamed like a banshee. XD Just kidding, but I would suggest you lengthen this piece so we could take in the full effect here.

As far as the story goes, I think it was tad bit cliche. I've seen this done before but it's hard to write something that isn't a tad bit cliche so 'meh. You can always alter little parts here and there. I'm not too picky about cliche stories as long as they aren't so epically cliche that I feel like I'm reading two of the same books written by two different authors. So overall, my main critique here would be to add some deeper emotions, lengthen this piece, add some description and more imagery. After polishing this bit up, I think it'd make an interesting story to read.

Keep writing,
-Shear


^ This

Hello there!
This was an excellent peice... I saw the story plot.. but I didn't see this particular writing.... as a story. It is a mix between a story, and a poem.... without the ryhme ect. But yet this carried a heavy story and I liked it. It was easily related to by others, though they are living. This "story" held a lot of information, and it carried it well.
Your writing is excellent and I encourage you to keep reading.

hey
This is pretty well written but it kind of sounds more like a poem than a short story it is pretty good though I like the fact that he was willing to die for her although it didn't make much sense since they broke up.

First off, this is a really emotional story. however it also comes across as a poem. (but...maybe its just me) im not going to go through all the basic grammers as a few people have all ready done that.

brilliant! keep up the good work

I really this poem, but I can't help feeling that it should be long. I don't mean that the poem shoudl be longer, I mean I think it should be turned into a short story or something like that.

SOunds like a poem crossed with a story (Like my "I Love You" submission). It was sweet, sad, and a very unique writing style that captures the imagination.
Georgie x

When you told me you loved me I was so happy stronger word than happy
You held me close and whispered in my ear. what did he whisper?
I loved you. try spacing out this line from the following for dramatic effect
You Loved me.use of punctuation can be powerful..but avoid overuse try the elipsis
Or so I thought....take out one period

FATAL LOVE this is good!

When you broke up with me, my world shattered. how'd it shatter-show this to the reader!
I hurled my phone down, tears running down my face.take out down-reader assumes-try streaming
Running out of my house into the street.try using all past tense-more poignant
I ran to my car, yanking open my car door turning the ignition.i liked the use of yanking the second time-very real-use more gritty language instead of turning-revving?

FATAL MISTAKE

The next morning you read in the paper: no colon
TEEN KILLED IN VIOLENT CAR-CRASH

FATAL PAIN

You wandered through the next two years high school in a haze, never feeling or seeing. All you wanted was to join me.again show the reader his pain-elaborate on the haze-more adjectives-SHOW don't tell

FATAL WISH

one day you boarded a plane, what was he feeling-show his face-his painnever to see your family again. leaving your past like the dust on the runway? show the reader!

FATAL DESISION

We lay side by side now and our tombstones read:again no colon
here lie two teenagers result of theirtwo teenagers...dead..honestly I would leave out "here lie two teenagers..try the grittiness..let the author imagine the tombstone-SHOW don't tell..let the imaginatiev properties tell the reader-remember you want to paint picture-avoid detaisl-just paint =)

FATAL ATTRACTION