Young Writers Society

i read a book and it inspired me to write this poem! hope you like it! be harsh in reviews please!
~pointe

Mask

Who is that who wears the red mask to hide her face?
Why would she hide a face?
Her hair is long and blond her body slim and meek.
The face must be beautiful.
Oh who is that who wears the red mask?
Does she wear it to hide an ugly nose or unseemly ears?
We would not care.
Does she wear it for the mystery and adventure of being asked to dance for her mask?
Oh why does she wear that mask?
Is she a vain soul who wants no-one to feast on her beauty but her own self?
Oh who is behind that mask?

pointe2drama wrote:Oh who is that who wears the red mask?
Does she wear it to hide an ugly nose or unseemly ears?
We would not care.

This is simply beautiful. Why? Because it's not that bland stuff that says she "has to wear white/black" super refreshing! Bravo... Brava!

-Soggy

I was going and prepared to say something bad, but i can't. Honestly Pointe I don't think your gonna get many harsh reviews. The flow was good and the subject was strong. I liked it! Good work!

This was really good.Still like that it is all Questions
"Her hair is long and blond her body slim and meek."
This was a good way to describe her making it more confusing why she wheres the Red mask.
"Is she a vain soul who wants no-one to feast on her beauty but her own self?"
this is good to because now they really wonder who is she? what lies behind the mask?
"Does she wear it for the mystery and adventure of being asked to dance for her mask?"
This makes me wonder is she in a different century? Going to a dance or just a girl

oh you guys are soo nice!!! thanks for your reviews!!!

Hey, Pointe!

Who is that who wears the red mask to hide her face?
Why would she hide a face? This bit is like repetition of the first. In the first sentence, you already applied the question.
Her hair is long and blond(,) her body slim and meek.
The face must be beautiful.
Oh(,) who is that who wears the red mask?
Does she wear it to hide an ugly nose or unseemly ears? Haha
We would not care. Okay, who do you mean by we? Referring to all the people now? I thought it was just him and if it is, why does he speak for the rest?
Does she wear it for the mystery and adventure of being asked to dance for her mask?
Oh(,) why does she wear that mask?
Is she a vain soul who wants no-one to feast on her beauty but her own self? I think if a woman is beautiful, she'd want to show herself to the world. Vain would not mean to hide oneself and it's a bit weird.
Oh(,) who is behind that mask?

Overall, it's a nice poem. I like the flow of it and the masked beauty is always so mysterious. ^^
However, there are a few aspects you could work on. Mostly, try to make sure your grammar up to spot and all. Another thing is, I don't think that this poem really had much of a 'point' in a sense. There was no real meaning besides a man questioning a woman's face. But even so, you did a pretty good job with it. A little tweaking here and there and it'll be a little better.

-Shear

Beautiful. Just a few key points.

Who is that who wears the red mask to hide her face? It seems a little redundant when you say " ...to hide her face..", when in the next line you say " ...Why would she hide her face?'
Why would she hide her face?
Her hair is long and blond her body slim and meek.- Try, "...With her long,blond hair and her slim, meek body.
Her face must be beautiful.
Oh! Who is that who wears the red mask?
Does she wear it to hide an ugly nose or unseemly ears?
We wouldn't care.
Does she wear it for the mystery and adventure of being asked to dance for her mask?- I don't really get that line...
Why does she wear that mask?
Is she a vain soul who wants no-one to feast on her beauty but her own self?
Oh who is behind that mask?

Other than that, it's a really nice poem.

This is a nice little poem. I'd like to know what book it is related too, since it could probably answer some questions that the poem raises. Some of the lines are really long compared to the rest of it. You don't have to end a line with a punctuation mark. Line breaks are needed to make this more easily readable.

This is a difficult poem to review since it does refer to another piece, but I do feel that the eighth line is too unwieldy. If you ended it after "adventure" it would retain its meaning but be much more manageable.

Hello there!

Here as requested. :3

First of all, turn on the windshields. If you know what I mean, because the heavy rain is making the piece all blurry and indistinct. I couldn't find a way where I can easily connect to the poem you have here. Maybe because the reader or the speaker, is blandly asking questions. Questions that I couldn't even answer. I don't know anything about the girl with the mask.

Who is that who wears the red mask to hide her face?
Why would she hide a face?

However the mystery effect you have here is pretty good, but I think there's some easy means of implying or showing the curiosity of the speaker to his readers.

Who is that who wears the red mask to hide her face?

Obviously, wearing a mask would hide a face, so why even bother saying this "to hide her face?". I think slashing that one out is better.

Her hair is long and blond her body slim and meek.
The face must be beautiful.

I find the descriptions weak. I tell you, a thesaurus is your friend, my dear. Make it more interesting and compelling. Don't just say that she has a long blond hair. Try to show it. It also goes with depicting the body. And why would even the speaker expect that the face is beautiful? Justify it.

Does she wear it to hide an ugly nose or unseemly ears?

This seems a bit awkward. The speaker (had) just expected that the woman must be beautiful and now he's wondering that the girl is ugly? Oo

We would not care.

Are you also letting the readers participate into the poem. I'm just confused. Oo

Does she wear it for the mystery and adventure of being asked to dance for her mask?
Oh why does she wear that mask?
Is she a vain soul who wants no-one to feast on her beauty but her own self?
Oh who is behind that mask?

Honestly speaking, I didn't quite like the ending. It doesn't seem to be a very good one. It's because first of all, what is really the point of this piece? More on interrogation, perhaps? Also, it doesn't leave me interested and keep me wanting for more. Maybe I'm quite intrigued and all, but that's just it. It still leave your readers confuse. With that being said, try to be show-y. Don't only limit the story from the sense of seeing, or you could also describe the dress because I feel like the place is in a ball or something?

Overall, this has potential. However, just like what I've said earlier, make this more compelling, independent... something like that. You might also want to use some good imageries and use good strong adjectives. I know there are a lot of poems here in YWS. Why won't you read a good one and set it as an example or a basis? Hope I helped and PM me for any questions. Also, I want to apologize in advance if ever you see this review harsh, but you're the one who said anyone can rip this apart if possible,right? So... yeah.

Keep writing and peace out,
Yuri

Okay as requested here's my review, I hope you understand by now I'm harsh but it's only to improve the writing nothing else and in this case I see something that could benefit from some major improvement. So sit yourself down and we shall elaborate on how to improve this.

To begin with, it's a lot of unanswered questions, that's what it comes down. That might sound rather unfair but unless the poem trying to be metaphysical or amazingly deep portrayal of human nature, then the questions shouldn't be asked and never answered. It's lazy and quite honestly a bit annoying, so when asking questions like this be sure to give them some sort of answer, without an answer it seems like you never really thought about it. Secondly masks are very often used in this context, it can sometimes work if used in a way that seems original, what strikes me as original here, is the use of red. I've never seen that, and what I like more. I've no clear comprehension why Red was chosen. So other than that I like that idea, although tad confusing. Other than that, you use some generic wording and tired lines.

Overall: It's not a bad attempt, just shall we say it's not quite up to par, you have a nice idea, but the questions and the wording in the construction prevent it from really standing alone, compared to the other piece, it has potential. Mainly it's just never given the chance.

Hope it helps.

Who is that who wears the red mask to hide her face?
Why would she hide a face?
Her hair is long, blond her body slim and meek.
The face must be beautiful.
Oh, who is that who wears the red mask?
Does she wear it to hide an ugly nose or unseemly ears?
We would not care.
Does she wear it for the mystery and adventure of being asked to dance for her mask? Confusing line. What do you mean?
Oh, why does she wear that mask?
Is she a vain soul who wants no one to feast on her beauty but her own self?
Oh, who is behind that mask?

Alright, so, to be honest, this poem come off as generic and cliche. Again with the self image, body thing. Really, it's been done.
The way you posed it all in questions, however, came off as annoying, and it seemed like you didn't really know what you were talking about. Then it also just got repetitive after a while.
This is really not my favorite.
YOu could make this much, much better

~WickedWonder

It seems that you have many nice reviews already, so I will just give my overall opinion. Sorry for being late by the way.
Mask

Who is that who wears the red mask to hide her face? I think if you separated this line into two it would sound better. Also your detail is a bit boring. Red is just such a simple color. Try and think of something that will catch our attention and amaze us.
Why would she hide a face? Shouldn't it be her face? A face sounds like it isn't a human we speak of.
Her hair is long and blond her body slim and meek. I think this is like the first line, it needs to be separated. Also the words again need improving. I know you can think of better words, something colorful!
The face must be beautiful. Why must the face be beautiful? You are guessing at this I presume, but you need to give reasons for this presumption.
Oh, who is that who wears the red mask? Red is repetitive here, I would get rid of it.
Does she wear it to hide an ugly nose or unseemly ears? [b]The flow is off here. I think the word ugly and unseemly throws it off. Try and think of something that would really show us how ugly it is.
We would not care. Why wouldn't we care?
Does she wear it for the mystery and adventure of being asked to dance for her mask? This line is way to long and throws off the flow of it all.
Oh why does she wear that mask? The mask is very repetitive, try and think of another work to describe it, something that will keep our attention.
Is she a vain soul who wants no-one to feast on her beauty but her own self? I would get rid of the words but her own self. They aren't needed here we can already assume this.
Oh who is behind that mask?[/quote]


You words here aren't very colorful, and they don't keep my attention. Putting the wrong words in a poem can make it seem almost boring. It won't keep attention, and it will end us very plain.

This did remind me of some story I've read, do you mind me asking what book it was that you read to inspire you?

Other than that I put my advice above. I do believe this could be wonderful, you just used the wrong words.

-Flow-

I can't remember the name of it now, I wrote this poem before I came to YWS

I enjoyed the way it ended, asking if she is vain. It isn't often that people think that someone would hide themselves because they think they're too good. Mostly its because they find themselves grotesque or unworthy. By turning it 180 degrees, you made the poem that much better and intriguing.

Really interesting piece- I would consider lengthening your vocabulary in it, and maybe going through for some different punctuation. Poems composed primarily of questions generally irk me to no end, but this managed to actually ask some interesting questions and pose a mystery of sorts. I would put a comma after each "Oh", and maybe use some more figurative language, but this is a nice piece altogether.
Nice job.

-Coral-