Fire-bird chapters prologue and chapter 1

Spoiler

I wanted to do something romantic so here it is!
~pointe

Prolouge:
He stood there looking through the cracked glass of the town-hall window, his breath distorting the picture of her standing there beyond the gate. She had her arms spread out and looked as though she was going to fly into the sky. It was time to let go. He pulled his hand from the threadbare curtain and let it fall.
“Goodbye, Fire bird” he whispered, and then turned away, walking away from the one he had protected for so long.



I (Zalia):

I laid there in the corner of the dirty room wrapped in an itchy blanket, my mind racing.

"What just happened?" I asked myself, trying to rouse myself from the shock that seemed to make me completely paralyzed.

I shook myself and stood up, looking around groggily. My mother was doctoring someone, bending close and talking to the individual with calming words.

“Mom?” I said.

Mother turned around and came over.

“What happened?” I asked.

"The house was bombed,” she replied in a cracked voice.

Father entered the room carrying an armful of slightly charred wood, laying them in the fireplace in the center of the room, striking a match and then throwing it into the wood-pile.

"So, the zombie awakes,” he joked, turning towards me and smiling at me, his eyes twinkling.


“Zombies don’t wake up,” I said, rolling my eyes and clicking my tongue. "What happened?” I inquired again.

Father sighed, resigning himself to explain the details to his oldest child. “The Uprising was discovered and the government bombed us.” His voice slowly got quieter until it was barely a whisper.

"Oh.”

The Uprising, of course! The stupid thing Father started because he wasn’t happy with the way things were run. He put thousands in danger, here in my home state of West Virginia, all because he hated the president.

"Is this what you wanted?” I spat at him, standing up and pushing my way through the crowd that had gathered in the run-down shack.

Hands tried and failed to pull me back as well as words and gesticulations attempting to reverse my steps, but I didn’t look back.

Hi!

Too short!

Anyway, please allow me to give a few points.

He pulled his hand from the threadbare curtain and let it fall “good bye Fire bird” he whispered and then turned away walking away from the one he had protected for so long. - As one sentence, I think this one is too long. Do you mind if I break it down like this:

He pulled his hand from the threadbare curtain and let it fall. “Good bye Fire bird,” he whispered and then turned away walking away from the one he had protected for so long.

For the rest, I think you could do more by formatting it correctly. Most of the sentences are too long. You can break them up into two or more short sentences, making each one easier to comprehend.

Also, use capital letters when necessary, esp. at the beginning of a dialogue.

I hope that helps!

Smiles,
Alexxa

Hey there!

It looks like a really interesting story that's beginning here. I liked the way the conversation between the family members sounded so natural and realistic, and it'll be interesting to see how the prologue with the fire bird ties in with Zalia's story.

However, I agree with Alexxa that the formatting on this makes it quite difficult to read. The way it is at the moment, the first chapter is one giant block of text which is quite intimidating to readers. What's usually done in dialogue is that every time a new person starts speaking, you start a new line. So, this:

“Mom?” I say Mother turns around and comes over “what happened?” I say “the house was bombed” she replies in a cracked voice. Father enters the room carrying an armful of slightly charred wood laying them in the fire place in the center of the room and striking a match, throwing it into the wood-pile “so the zombie awakes” he joked turning towards me and smiling at me, his eyes twinkling “zombies don’t wake up” I say rolling my eyes and clicking my tongue. “what happened” I inquire again

would become

“Mom?” I say Mother turns around and comes over “what happened?” I say.

“the house was bombed” she replies in a cracked voice. Father enters the room carrying an armful of slightly charred wood laying them in the fire place in the center of the room and striking a match, throwing it into the wood-pile.

“so the zombie awakes” he joked turning towards me and smiling at me, his eyes twinkling.

“zombies don’t wake up” I say rolling my eyes and clicking my tongue. “what happened” I inquire again.

It just makes the conversation easier to follow.

Also, there's not much dialogue punctuation in this at the moment, and that's another thing that would help make this clearer.

“zombies don’t wake up” I say

becomes

“Zombies don’t wake up,” I say

If you want a better explanation of it you could read this article which explains it way better than I could.

PM me if you have any questons, and keep writing!

Hello there!

I just want to apologize for focusing on the negative side.

Allow me to say that I think this one is going to be promising. So, I'll look forward to more of it!

Keep on writing! Good luck!

Smiles,
Alexxa

thanks guys! BTW chapter 2 is posted as weel soooooooo.... check it out!!!!!!!!!!

wow wow wow.
it was kinda short, i needed more.
but it does show promise.
but first and for most it needs alittle bit of order.
some structure
some formatting!
But, it was good
and I am looking forward to reading more!

pointe2drama wrote:I wanted to do something romantic so here it is!
~pointe




Prolouge:
He stood there looking through the cracked glass of the town-hall window, his breath distorting the picture of her standing there beyond the gate. She had her arms spread out and looked as though she was going to fly into the sky. It was time to let go. He pulled his hand from the threadbare curtain and let it fall.
“Goodbye, Fire bird” he whispered, and then turned away, walking away from the one he had protected for so long.



I (Zalia):

I laid there in the corner of the dirty room wrapped in an itchy blanket, my mind racing.

"What just happened?" I asked myself, trying to rouse myself from the shock that seemed to make me completely paralyzed.

I shook myself and stood up, looking around groggily. My mother was doctoring someone, bending close and talking to the individual with calming words.

“Mom?” I said.

Mother turned around and came over.

“What happened?” I asked.

"The house was bombed,” she replied in a cracked voice. = (Have more of a build up - a really cut-up mother wouldn't just announce that the house had been destroyed.)

Father entered the room carrying an armful of slightly charred wood, laying them in the fireplace in the center of the room, striking a match and then throwing it into the wood-pile.

"So, the zombie awakes,” he joked, turning towards me and smiling at me, his eyes twinkling. =(I doubt his eyes would be twinkling if his house had just been bombed!)

“Zombies don’t wake up,” I said, rolling my eyes and clicking my tongue. "What happened?” I inquired again.

Father sighed, resigning himself to explain the details to his oldest child. “The Uprising was discovered and the government bombed us.” His voice slowly got quieter until it was barely a whisper.

"Oh.” =(I think Zalia would have a bigger reaction than that!)

The Uprising, of course! The stupid thing Father started because he wasn’t happy with the way things were run. He put thousands in danger, here in my home state of West Virginia, all because he hated the president.

"Is this what you wanted?” I spat at him, standing up and pushing my way through the crowd that had gathered in the run-down shack.

Hands tried and failed to pull me back as well as words and gesticulations attempting to reverse my steps, but I didn’t look back.

I've made improvements on your grammar, general text and speech, I hope you find these useful. I noticed you switched from past and present tense, so I editted your words into past tense for the sake of easy reading. Make sure you use capital letters and punchuation correctly and try to remember to start a new line when a new person speaks.

Try to make the reactions a little more realistic, because I don't think people would simply say 'oh' when they found out their house had been bombed. They'd go beserk!

Nevertheless, sorry if I sound negative, but I am intruiged with the idea, because I want to know more about the Uprising. Keep writing, I want to know how this turns out, especially as this is a romance novel. I'd like to see how it turns into that! Keep going!

-NeutronStar-

Hello there.

I see that everyone else before me corrected all those mistakes... I'll try to make it short.

I notice you have a lot of run-on sentences. You rarely use points and comma's and that's not a good thing. These punctuation devides help the reader situate himself in the story and read it at a normal pace. So I see that pretty much everyone else already said that, so I won't go into details with examples of your mistakes and all, since I would only be repeting. I just hope you can come back to this and re-edit it so more people can enjoy this without being confused.

Next is the verb tenses. You seem to be changing from past to present a lot. I know, it's a common mystake, we teenagers, tend to do a lot more thand any other mistakes you can do, but normally, just proof-read your work and you should catch them all.

The story's beginning is a little bit short... I would recommend a little bit more details about the characters and the situation they are in. Normally, writers use their first chapters to introduce everything in the story, so they can go on with the plot and the action in the second one. Anyways, it's okay as it is, it's just an idea.

Finally, the plot seems good, so keep working on this! I know reviews may sound harsh, but we're only here to help, and we want you to learn from your mistakes so the story becomes better and better.

Keep writing!

-Other One

And?

That was much too short. Add details, add emotion. The reader wants to feel a strong connection to your MC, and right now, thats not happening. Spice it up by adding personality and emotion to your MC.

Grammatically, you should start a new paragraph with speech. Right now, it's just a big block of text, and hard to read.
Also, go back and proofread your work. There are commas and periods missing.

~WickedWonder

Here as requested! I'm not going to comment on the grammer or punctuation because that has already been done. I am just going to go over general content.

I loved the prologue, it really caught my attention.

As for the story, the way you have it formated distracted me. It took away from the story itself. If you fix it, not only will it be easier to read, it will be more enjoyable. I do like what you have said so far, but you give no details. You don't show, you tell. She just got out of bed, she doesn't even feel fuzy at all? You don't describe her feelings at all. I want to know exactly how she feels and what she see's.

I think this is really short, but it has lot's of promise. I think if you work on fixing what was posted above, not only in my review but in others, this could be great.

-Flow-

It's me again!

Like you asked, I won't comment on grammar or anything. I did it with the last one because it was short... and I thought, why not? Anyway, that's unrelated... I'll get onto the review!

I'll begin this with actually pointing out something NeutronStar did. The way she edited and set out the beginning of this is how I'd suggest you set it out. Right now, it's a little daunting to read. It also looks a weeny bit messy, so I'd suggest setting it out the way NeutronStar has. You also had a few grammatical errors, but considering you specifically asked me not to bother with grammar, I won't correct anything for you.

Everyone seems to have already covered what I wanted to say, to be honest. I can only think of one thing that I'd like to suggest to you which I think is important enough to repeat. Basically, I though that some of your characters emotions were a little odd. To begin with, when your MC's father said this:

“The Uprising was discovered and the government bombed us.”

Your MC responds with this:

"Oh."

It just seems awfully unrealistic to me. If I found out I was bombed, I'd be a lot more freaked out than your MC appears to be. It's kind of like she's found out that she's been bombed, thinks about it for a second, then moves her thoughts on to something else. Doesn't she have any questions? Was she there when the house was bombed? If not, where was she? Wouldn't she be worried about her parents being hurt? Even if they don't appear to be hurt, you'd think she'd still ask them. Do you see what I mean? Put yourself in the situation and think how you'd react, then write that.

The only other thing I want to mention is about emotions. Part of the reasons your characters reactions seem a little off is because I'm not seeing many emotions in this. You're explaining what happens, and you're doing it pretty well, but you're not particularly showing us how what's happening is having effect on your MC. How is she feeling? Is she scared? When she heard the news about being bombed, did her heart almost leap out of her chest? Is she angry at the people who bombed her? Or maybe she's just glad that no one was hurt? I hope I'm making sense here! xD

Negatives aside, I can see this with potential. All that you need to do is to give it a little polish. I have to agree that this would be better if it was longer, but if you include details like more emotions, different reactions, and some more descriptions, it will naturally become longer anyway.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Heyowww! Here as requested.

Wait. Seriously, Pointe? This is it? O_O It's so short! Anyway, nitpicks in pink font.

Prolouge:
He stood there, looking through the cracked glass of the town-hall window, his breath distorting the picture of her standing there beyond the gate. She had her arms spread and looked as though she was going to fly into the sky. It was time to let go. He pulled his hand from the threadbare curtain and let it fall.
¶
“Good bye Fire bird” he whispered, and then turned away and walked away from the one he had protected for so long.

I (Zalia):

I lay there in the corner of the dirty room, wrapped in an itchy blanket. My mind raced at what just happened? I asked myselfTrying to rouse myself from the shock that seemed to make me completely paralyzed, I shook myself and stood up, looking around groggily. My mother was doctoring someone bending close and talking to the individual calming words.
¶
“Mom?” I said. Mother turned around and came over. “What happened?” I say.
¶
"The house was bombed,” she replied in a cracked voice.
¶
Father entered the room, carrying an armful of slightly charred wood, laying them in the fire place in the center of the room. He strokea match, throwing it into the wood-pile. “So the zombie awakes,” he joked, turning towards me then smiling at me. His eyes twinkled.
¶
“Zombies don’t wake up,” I said rolling my eyes and clicking my tongue. “What happened?” I inquired again,
[color=#FF0080]¶
[/color]Father sighed, resigning himself to explain the details to his oldest child. “The uprising was discovered and the government bombed us.” His voice slowly got quieter until it was barely a whisper.
¶
“[color=#FF0080]Oh the uprising, of course.[/color] The stupid thing Father hadstarted because he wasn’t happy with the way things were run. It had putut thousands in danger, here in my home state of West Virginia, because he hated the president.
¶
“Is this what you wanted?” I spat at him, standing and pushing my way through the crowd that had gathered in the run-down shack.
¶
His hands tried and failed to pull me back. Words and gesticulations also attemptedto reverse my steps--but I didn’t look back.

Here the real reviewing goes. First, it was short. O_o It seems like the whole thing was a prologue.

Second, there were a LOT of missing punctuations. Please review punctuations.

Third, there were also run-on sentences--which is really a thing you should pay attention to.

Fourth, the dialogue and new paragraphs are all messed up. You just pushed it all in one, big, chuncky paragraph which is really wrong.

I'm sorry, but when I edited it, it's not the same anymore. I was confused with a lot of parts and maybe I even changed some of the things you were trying to say. If you have any questions with my corrections, please feel free to PM me or post on my wall! Sorry for being in a hurry right now. O_O I'll make it up to you next time. And don't worry much, I think the above reviewers already explained those nitpicks.


Keep writing!

~ Jash ♥

P.S. You were right about "lay!" Someone corrected you, he or she said it's "laid"; but you were right with that verb usage. Also, I just scanned above, so sorry for repetitions.

P.S.S. I can't remark on the story now. It seems more of a historical or sci-fi novel than romantic--now. =)

Hey Point!

Prologue: What I think of it is a sweet introduction to the novel, which is short but you can add in more melodrama to it. Prologues are usually filled with melodrama(maybe I'm wrong) but it's not necessary for it to be melodramatic, but an extra spice to it would always welcome the readers. Also, you said distorting the picture, but when it's on a glass, then it should be 'reflection'. Because even though a picture is being formed, it's not completely suitable for that category, so it should be reflection. Also, you could bring in more of description. In pieces like these describing the nature becomes kind of symbolic and it looks good to read how the environment seemed. Just consider it!

It was time to let go. He pulled his hand from the threadbare curtain and let it fall “good bye Fire bird” he whispered and then turned away walking away from the one he had protected for so long.

Show the dialog here separately instead of showing it in between the paragraph.

I lay there in the corner of the dirty room wrapped in an itchy blanket, my mind racing what just happened?

Even though the word 'what' is coming in this sentence, it is not a question so there should be no question mark. There are many instances where we use the interrogative words like how, why, where and all that, but it isn't a question really, so we don't put a question mark there.

Chapter-1:Sorry to say but whatever I gathered from this piece was in bits and parts, since most of the time I was so confused with your grammar and the way the dialog were forming themselves that I had to read the sentences over and over again to make out who exactly had said those words. So sorry, this was a lot confusing and you could do with making the dialog appear in different lines. There's no specific problem with your dialog coming in the same line until they don't confuse the readers. Also, this was so short for the first chapter. Honestly speaking, I really liked the beginning of the chapter, I thought we were game for something absolutely fabulous ahead but then it became a disappoint-er.
First of all what was exactly happening. I gathered something like a house was bombed, her father was not in favour of the ruling party or something, but except for it, I could understand nothing more. Also, this is too short for chapter one. Obviously there is no general limit for a chapter's length but still the point of one chapter is to bring out some point, but I didn't even understand the backdrop here. So I advise you to fix up things, make it more realistic, more lengthy, and most of all don't confuse us. You might consider bringing upon some great descriptions which this chapter seriously lacks.

Overall:

I didn't really like it, but don't get me as rude, please. I just want to be of some real help and this review might help you. I am not sure, though. Overall, this was flat, it needs voice, voice of the narrator, descriptions and sometime to be constructed. Basically the chapter one seemed like a part of the prologue. Besides, I want you to concentrate on your dialog because they help build up a story and character a lot. So just work it out. Try to re-write it.

~Shubhi

Hey there Pointe, so sorry for the delay!

Okay. I'm not sure why you wanted me to read this. You've already have many excellent reviews and they've already pointed out everything that needs help. I'd actually decided not to comment but I want to mention something.

You had at least five people suggesting you change the formatting, the dialogue, the punctuation, the grammar and other stuff. But you didn't change any of it, nothing at all.

When you have that many people telling you the very same things, and even one of them showing you exactly how to change it, why don't you? Then you can go see other reviewer and ask for another opinion, because it's been edited. That way, you know if you're headed in the right direction instead of having 10 redundant reviewers.

That being said, I absolutely agree with everyone. The first part was good and interesting. The tone and voice were good. The second was flat, emotionless and needs work. I don't mean to be harsh, but it's been said.

Now, I'm off to the next one!