Young Writers Society

Screw this, I'm going back to past tense. LoL
SUMMARY:





I rose up my arms as I stared down at the condemned woman. She was already prepared for her death. Hesitated at first, I tighten my grip on the handle of the axe as I swung it down on the mark of her naked neck. The crowds cheered as the woman’s skull fell down on the flat surfaces of the wood. I could hear the cheers fading away and my heavy breathes got louder. Am I afraid? Why? Was it because this was the first woman whose life I took? How many more will I take before “they” are satisfy? The questions repeated but I preceded my work. I grabbed her hair, pull up the beheaded woman, and show it to the citizens. The crowd got louder than before but the echoes in my head blocked my hearings. The execution ended when I drop her head into the metal bucket with the rest of condemned criminals. I walked back to the Executioner’s Den and took my black, hooded mask off. Taking off the heavy robes, revealed a chainmail. I took the chainmail off and put on my gray shirt, dark green pant, brown shoes, and a red collar. I walked over to the storeroom placed my clothing there. I grabbed my axe and noticed that there was blood on the edges. I sighed and looked around for the nearest towel.
I wiped off the blood and smiled; it looked brand new again. I then looked at all the empty benches and mumbled, “I guess the others are still on duty.” Standing up, I stretched and cracked my jointures, I grabbed my axe and placed it on my back and walked out to town.
I yawned and searched the town for food. The markets got closer as I proceeded forward; I saw children running toward me. They were pretending to play tag, how amusing. One of the kids bumped into me, apologized, and before he had a chance to flee, I grabbed his arm and pulled him back.
“Ouch, aie!” The boy yelled in pain.
Giving him another tug back and using my other hand, I grabbed my stolen pouch.
“Good kids shouldn’t be stealing.” I said.
“But we have no home and we’re starving!” The children proclaimed. I stared at the children in the eye and grinned.
“Fine here, a gold coin for each of you, but don’t ever steal again, got it?” I opened my pouch and gave out one gold coin each. Losing seven coins, the children gladly accepted the coins and my saying. Such utter lies, as long as they live like this, there were no way they’ll stop. When they turned, I saw red marks on their bodies. Bruises and such; but who? Curiosity fought and won over hunger, I left to follow the kids with a growling stomach. In between the middle of the neighborhood was the abandon house, I watch the kids as they looked around and quietly enter inside. Silent came and went; a loud noise would follow. The voice burst outside the house. With carefulness, I sneaked up to one of the windows and saw the shadows of the kids.
“Where did you marmots get these gold coins from?!” said the man, who stood taller than all of them, and snatched the coins from their hands.
“Hey, give it back!” said the boy who tried to steal those coins in the first place. He ran up to the statue-like man, jumped and bit his hand, releasing the coins.
“Argh!! Vous, les enfants stupides!” his face showed pain and agony as he pulled back his hand and released a powerful smack at the kid’s face. He fell back and touched his swelled up cheek. The others surrounded him and tried to defend him.
I wasn’t able to see the tall one’s face so I leaned forward more. I saw his face clearer as I kept peeking out. I know who he is… such a perfect opportunity. I wasted no time, I took out my axe and hurled through the window. Before the man could react, I pinned him down and gave a blow to his face. He was knocked unconscious——I didn’t say anything to the kids but gave them three more gold coins. Now that I lost a total of 10 coins, I put my axe back and seized the statue-man by the collar of his shirt and dragged him back to the Executioner’s Den. I threw him on the cement ground; told the others who he was, and left him for the others to decide what should be done. I traveled back to my Den, place my axe on the wall, took off my chainmail, and went to sleep. The next day came and a sudden notice appeared on my doorstep. I went to look at the note.
“Vincent, you are to report to the hall.” I said to myself as I read along. I sighed and went to the Executioner’s Den instead. I already knew what was coming. I hurried to the storeroom, put my robes and hooded mask. After I put on all the materials I needed, I noticed that I had forgotten about my axe. I rushed to my den only to find out that it wasn’t there. I groaned and walked slowly down the grey, dullish hall.
It seemed that my decision to walk slowly was off beat. The warrants got impatient waiting for me, when I opened the door; shouts filled up my ears.
“Ouais, yeah,” I said discreetly back to them. They growled at me but resume to their objective. They gave me back my axe, although I was angry at first since I never like it when others touch my father’s axe. I took the axe anyway and walked out of the hall.
Back to where I was before, I stood in front of the people who were anxiously waiting for blood. I looked to my right and saw the statue-man, named Jak the Tueur, I shook my head in pity. The announcer stood in front and began to speak.
“Personnes of France, today we come together to witness the execution of Jak the Tueur——who have kill seven families. There has been a report that the seven children of those families survived but was in captivity by the killer.”
The speech went on as I glare at Jak, what a pitiful man. He killed every single family member and yet he couldn’t kill the children. How saddening, but; he reminded me of myself when I first killed that woman. I slapped myself a few times, trying to overlook about it.
“Bourreau! We are ready.” The announcer spoke loud and clear to me. The helpers grabbed Jak’s shoulder and pushed him down for me to make a clean cut. I slowly lifted up my arms as I built in power, I kept eye-contact with Jak and before I removed his neck. I heard his whisper, “Un tel homme pitoyable, être leur esclave travail.”

Such a pitiful man, being their work slave.

Anger rushed to my head, I sliced through his nape and smashed the wood below him. Blood gushes from his beheaded body as the fresh corpse fell down. I did not hesitate to grab his skull and showed it to the crowd. I even gave the crowd a little souvenir; I leaned back and threw the head with all my might. The citizens’ fought over each other as they shoved, punched, and kicked their way toward the head. I fled from the scene and went back to the Executioner’s Den. In a fast pace, I got out of my robes and into my regular clothing. I hurriedly walk to my Den and went to bed. La nuit n'était pas accueillir mes rêve.

The night was not welcoming my dreams.

Chapter 2
---

AUTHOR'S NOTE:
I put it in the "Story Format" because it was difficult for me to read it when it's bundle up together.

But now it looks like fragments of sentences each, o-o, oh well.

I personally think that this would be better without the children but then what else can replace a murderer who cannot kill the innocent eyes of children?

The setting was inspired by my history class when we were talking about the French Revolution. The executioner was inspired by one of the executioner who got a fear of blood and is always seen wiping his hands ( I forgot his name :[ ). The Waltz Dancer was inspired by... a dancer ._. and a certain game I was playing with the word Waltz in it that I don't really want to tell you. D:

Hey Roal,
I liked this. Normally the executioner is the bad guy but you have him as a protaganist. I enjoyed the internal conflict throughout the chapter. There were a few things though...

[quote="Roal"]

I raise up my arms as I stare down at the condemned woman. She was already prepared for her death. Is she calm? Is that what you mean or has she already been prepared for death? Like a ceremony or whatever? Hesitating at first, I tighten my grip on the handle of the axe as I swung it down on the mark of her naked nape. Does he mark where he has to hit? I don't think that's what most executioners did. The crowd cheered as the woman’s skull I think it's head. Skull would be bones, if I'm not mistaken. fall down on the flat surface of the wood. I could hear the cheers fading away and my heavy breathes getting louder. Why am I scared? Is it because this was the first woman whose life I took? How many more will I take before ‘they’ are satisfy? Who are they, and it's satisf[i]ied.[/i] The questions repeat but I still precede my work. I grab her hair, pull up the décapité You do this a lot with random French words. I understand when people are talking but he's narrating woman, and show it to the citizens. They got louder than before but the echoes in my head still block my hearing. The execution ended when I drop her head into the metal bucket with the rest of condemned criminals. I walk back to the Executioner’s Den and took my black, hooded mask off. Taking off the heavy robes, that is are dark as the night, reveals a chainmail. I didn’t take the chainmail off but put on my gray shirt, dark green pant, brown shoes, and a red collar. I walk over to the storeroom place my clothing there. I grab my axe and notice that there’s still blood on the edges. I sigh and look around for the nearest towel.
I wipe off the blood and smiled, it looks brand new again. I then look at all the empty bancs and mumble, “I guess the others are still on duty.” Standing up, I stretch and crack my jointures, I grab my axe and place it on my back and walk out to town.
I yawn and search the town for food. The markets got closer as I proceed to my destination; I saw children running toward me. They were pretending to play tag, how amusing. I thought "how amusing" was out of place but if you really wanted it there it would be a thought so it would be its own sentence and you might want to italicize it or something. One of the kid bump into me, apologized, and Maybe but would be better... I don't know... before he got a chance to flee, I grab his arm and pull him back.
“Ouch, aie Here the French word is okay since he's talking.!” The boy yells in pain.
I gave him another tug back and with my other hand, I saisir The other French words I kind of understood but with this one I had no clue. English, please. my stolen pouch.
“Good kids shouldn’t be stealing.” I told them.
“But we have no home and we’re starving!” The children proclaimed. I gave the children an eye to eye contact as I grin to myself. I know you said you don't like the kids in your story but if you're going to keep them you'll need a reason why they don't run away now. They aren't with their captor. Why are they just running around free? Are they supposed to be stealing for him?
“Fine here, a gold coin for each of you, but don’t ever steal again, got it?” Awww! A kind hearted executioner.I open my pouch and gave one gold coin each. Losing seven coins, the children gladly accept the coins and my saying. Such utter lies, as long as they live like this, there’s no way they’ll stop. When they turn, I saw red marks on their bodies. Bruises and such, but who? Curiosity fought and won over hunger, Period not comma. I left to follow the kids with a growling stomach. In between the middle of the neighborhood was the abandoned house, I watch those kids as they look around and went inside quietly. Silent came and went; a loud noise would You switch tenses a bit. Would shouldn't be here soon followed. The voice burst outside the house. With carefulness, I sneak snuck up to one of the windows and saw the shadows of the kids.
“Where did you marmots get these gold coins from?!” A man, who stood taller than all of them, grabs the coins from their hands.
“Hey, give it back!” Said lowercase the boy who tried to steal those coins in the first place. He ran up to the statue-like man, jump and bit his hand, releasing the coins.
“Argh!! Vous, les enfants stupides!” Pain surge through his veins as he pulls his free hand back and release a powerful smack at the kid’s face. This sounds like it could be something but then it turns out to be nothing. It makes no sense. I read it five times and still don't understand what you're trying to say. It also sounds like you moved to third person which isn't allowed since you're in first. He fell back and touch his swelled up swollen. Who fell?cheek. The others surrounded him and tried to defend him.
I wasn’t able to see the tall one’s the adult's maybe? face so I lean forward more. I could see his face clearer as I kept peeking out. I know who he is… such a perfect opportunity. I waste no time, I took out my cleaver I'm not sure cleaver and axe are good synonyms. and hurl through the window. Before the man could react, I pin him down and gave a blow to his face. He was knocked unconscious——I didn’t say anything to the kids but gave them three more gold coins. Now that I lost a total of 10 coins, I put my axe back and grab the statue-man Why do you call him statue man here? by the collar of his shirt and drag him back to the Executioner’s Den.
I threw him on the cement ground, told the others who he was, and left him for the others to decide what should be done. I went back to my Den, place my axe on the wall, took off my chainmail, and went to sleep.
The next day came and a sudden notice appear on my doorstep. I went to look at the note.
“Vincent, you are to report to the hall.” I said to myself as I read along. I sighed and went to the Executioner’s Den instead. I already knew what was coming. I hurried to the storeroom, put my robes and hooded mask. After I put on all the materials I needed, I seem to forget about my axe. I rush to my den only to find out that it wasn’t there. I groan and walk slowly down the grey, dullish hall.
It seems that my decision to walk slowly was off beat. The administrators got impatient waiting for me, when I open the door; shouts fill up Up isn't needed. my ears.
“Ouais, yeah,” I said discreetly back to them. They growl at me but resume to their objective. I didn't quite understand the second part of that sentence. They gave me my axe, although I was angry at first since I never like it when others touch my couperet. Why is he so protective of his axe? I grab the axe and walk out of the hall.
Back to where I was before, I stood in front of the people who were anxiously waiting for blood. Maybe show a little disgust here? I look to my right and saw the statue-man, named Jak the Tueur, Period instead of comma I shook my head in pity. The annonceur stood in front and began to speak.
“Personnes of France, today we come together to witness the beheading of Jak the Tueur——who have haskilled seven families. There has been a report that the seven children of those families survived but was were in captivity by of the Killer.” Why is killer capitalized?
The speech goes on as I glare at Jak, what a pitiful man. He killed every single family member and yet he could not kill the children. How saddening, but; I don't think a semi-colon is needed here. he reminds me of myself when I first killed that woman. I hit myself a few times You hit yourself? Like... physically? , trying to forget about it.
“Bourreau! We are ready.” The announcer spoke loud and clear. The helpers grab Jak’s shoulder and push him down for me to make a clean cut. I slowly lift up my arms as I build in power, Period I kept keep eye-contact with Jak and, before I remove his neck. comma I heard his whisper, “Un tel homme pitoyable, être leur esclave travail.”

Such a pitiful man, being their work slave. Their work slave? Maybe master? Is he saying he is pitiful? Or is that executioner? I thought it was the executioner the first time through but now I'm not so sure... Try to clear that up.

Anger rush to my head, I slice through his nape and smash the wood below him. Blood gushes from his beheaded body as the fresh corpse fall down. I did not hesitate to grab his skull and show it to the crowd. I even gave the crowd a little souvenir; I lean back and threw the head with all my might. The citizens fought over each other as they shove, punch, and kick their way to the head. I fled from the scene and went back to the Executioner’s Den. In a fast pace, I got out of my robes and into my regular clothing. I hurriedly walk to my Den and went to bed. La nuit n'était pas accueillir mes rêve.

The night was not welcoming my dreams.


I really liked the plot. I'm waiting for the next chapter. What does Bourreau mean? PM me if you want me to review Chapter 2.
Megsug

Hey hey, there!

Let me start out by asking something. Are you French? I only ask, because I am and I recognize some of the mistakes you made as being something that I made when I was trying to make a transition between French and English.

On to the story, I thought it was very interesting and I enjoyed the entire thing, but there was a few things that I would like to point out for you.

You switch between French and English a lot. I didn't mind it in the dialogue, but you seemed to switch to French words in the middle of an English sentence. I would say that you can keep some French dialogue (but give reasons as to why some people are speaking French and others aren't) but for the most part stay away from random French words in description.

I grab her hair, pull up the décapité woman, and show it to the citizens

Here is an example of what I mean from the very beginning. I chose this one because it confused me the most. The word is in italics as well, and I'm not sure if this is intentional or not, but to me it just looks like you didn't know the English word for something and just put the French equivalent. I understood all of the words, but the general English audience will not. I am making a lot of assumptions here, but that is what it seemed to look like to me.

Anothing thing you need to look out for is maintaining your tense. You are writing in present tense (a tense that I always found to be the hardest to pull off because it just looks awkward to me), and for the most part you can maintain it. Trouble is that you tend to switch between present and past tense at certain times. Again, here is an example that I found relatively early on:

The crowd cheered as the woman’s skull fall down on the flat surface of the wood.

It should be 'The crowd cheers'. You did it a couple of other times, but I won't mention them all. You just need to go through it all and find them on your own.

All in all, it was a very well written chapter. I enjoy seeing some French in writing. Keep up the good work!

TheGreatIthy wrote:Hey hey, there!

Let me start out by asking something. Are you French? I only ask, because I am and I recognize some of the mistakes you made as being something that I made when I was trying to make a transition between French and English.

On to the story, I thought it was very interesting and I enjoyed the entire thing, but there was a few things that I would like to point out for you.

You switch between French and English a lot. I didn't mind it in the dialogue, but you seemed to switch to French words in the middle of an English sentence. I would say that you can keep some French dialogue (but give reasons as to why some people are speaking French and others aren't) but for the most part stay away from random French words in description.

I grab her hair, pull up the décapité woman, and show it to the citizens

Here is an example of what I mean from the very beginning. I chose this one because it confused me the most. The word is in italics as well, and I'm not sure if this is intentional or not, but to me it just looks like you didn't know the English word for something and just put the French equivalent. I understood all of the words, but the general English audience will not. I am making a lot of assumptions here, but that is what it seemed to look like to me.

Anothing thing you need to look out for is maintaining your tense. You are writing in present tense (a tense that I always found to be the hardest to pull off because it just looks awkward to me), and for the most part you can maintain it. Trouble is that you tend to switch between present and past tense at certain times. Again, here is an example that I found relatively early on:

The crowd cheered as the woman’s skull fall down on the flat surface of the wood.

It should be 'The crowd cheers'. You did it a couple of other times, but I won't mention them all. You just need to go through it all and find them on your own.

All in all, it was a very well written chapter. I enjoy seeing some French in writing. Keep up the good work!

Thanks 8D
Yeah, I kind of notice that I should only be using French in dialogs
So I did change it :]

Yeah tenses are hard >.>
I'm trying my best at it.

Heya Roal

I'm here to review this as requested!

I raise up my arms as I stare down at the condemned woman. She is already prepared for her death. Hesitating at first, I tighten my grip on the handle of the axe as I swing it down on the mark of her naked nape. The crowd cheers as the woman’s skull falls down on the flat surface of the wood. I could hear the cheers fading away and my heavy breathes getting louder.

--- New paragraph would be good here ---

Why am I scared? Is it because this was the first woman whose life I took? How many more will I take before ‘they’ are satisfied? The questions repeat but I still precede my work. I grab her hair, pull up the beheaded woman, and show it to the citizens. They (get) I think you could use a more interesting verb here . louder than before but the echoes in my head still block my hearing. The execution ends when I drop her head into the metal bucket with the rest of condemned criminals.

--- New paragraph would be good her as well ---

I walk back to the Executioner’s Den and take my black, hooded mask off. Taking off the heavy robes, that are as dark as the night, reveals a chainmail. I didn’t take the chainmail off, but put on my gray shirt, dark green pant, brown shoes, and a red collar. I walk over to the storeroom and place my clothing there. I grab my axe and notice that there’s still blood on the edges. I sigh and look around for the nearest towel.

I wipe off the blood and smiled; it looks brand new again. I then look at all of the empty benches and mumble, “I guess the others are still on duty.” Standing up, I stretch and crack my jointures. I grab my axe and place it on my back and walk out to town.

The markets get closer as I proceed to my destination; I ee children running toward me. They're pretending to play tag, how amusing. One of the kid bumps into me, apologizes, and before he gets a chance to flee, I grab his arm and pull him back.

I give him another tug back and with my other hand, I grab my stolen pouch.

“Good kids shouldn’t be stealing.” I tell them.

“But we have no home and we’re starving!” The children proclaimed. I give the children an eye to eye contact as I grin to myself.

“Fine, here, a gold coin for each of you, but don’t ever steal again, got it?” I open my pouch and give one gold coin each.

When they turn, I see red marks on their bodies. Bruises and such, but who? Curiosity fights and wins over hunger. I leave to follow the kids with a growling stomach. In between the middle of the neighborhood was the abandoned house. I watch those kids as they look around and go inside quietly. Silence comes and goes; a loud noise soon follows. The voice bursts outside the house. With carefulness, I sneak up to one of the windows and see the shadows of the kids.

“Where did you marmots get these gold coins from?!” A man, who stands taller than all of them, grabs the coins from their hands.

“Hey, give it back!” says the boy who tried to steal those coins in the first place. He runs up to the statue-like man, jumps and bit his hand, releasing the coins.

“Argh!! Vous, les enfants stupides!” Pain surges through his veins as he pulls back his free hand and releases a powerful smack at the kid’s face.

How does your MC know that pain surged through the guys' veins? Considering he's not the guy, how does he know what he's feeling. If you said that his face showed the pain, it would be fine.

The child falls back and touches his swelled up cheek. The others surrounded him and try to defend him.

I'm able to see the adult's face so I lean forward more. I can see his face clearer as I keep peeking out. I know who he is… such a perfect opportunity. I waste no time. I take out my axe and hurl it through the window. Before the man can react, I pin him down and give a blow to his face.

I thought your MC wasn't actually in the building? How did he get to the guy so quickly, or am I missing something?

He's knocked unconscious——I don't say anything to the kids but give them three more gold coins. Now that I've lost a total of 10 coins, I put my axe back and grab the statue-like man by the collar of his shirt and drag him back to the Executioner’s Den.

I throw him on the cement ground, tell the others who he is (Who is he?), and leave him for the others to decide what should be done. I go back to my Den, place my axe on the wall, take off my chainmail, and go to sleep.

The next day comes and a sudden notice appears on my doorstep. I go to look at the note.

“Vincent, you are to report to the hall,” I say to myself as I read along. I sighed and go to the Executioner’s Den instead. I already know what is coming. I hurry to the storeroom, put on my robes and hooded mask. After I put on all the materials I needed, I seem to forget about my axe. I rush to my den only to find out that it isn't there. I groan and walk slowly down the grey, dullish hall.

It seems that my decision to walk slowly is off beat. The administrators get impatient waiting for me because when I open the door, shouts fill my ears.

“Ouais, yeah,” I say discreetly back to them.

They give me my axe, although I am angry at first since I never like it when others touch my couperet.

Back to where I was before, I stand in front of the people who are anxiously waiting for blood. I look to my right and see the statue-man, named Jak the Tueur. I shake my head in pity. The announcer sstands in front and began to speak.

The speech goes on as I glare at Jak. What a pitiful man. He killed every single family member and yet he could not kill the children. How saddening, but he reminds me of myself when I first killed that woman.

“Bourreau! We are ready.” The announcer speaks loud and clear. The helpers grab Jak’s shoulder and pushes him down for me to make a clean cut. I slowly lift up my arms as I build in power. I keep eye-contact with Jak and before I remove his neck, I heard his whisper, “Un tel homme pitoyable, fait le sale boulot pour eux..”

Although I do like the French, I don't know what any of it means. Maybe you could say what they mean in a spoiler at the end or something?

Anger rushes to my head. I slice through his nape and smash the wood below him. Blood gushes from his beheaded body as the fresh corpse falls down. I do not hesitate to grab his skull and show it to the crowd. I even give the crowd a little souvenir; I lean back and throw the head with all my might.

--- New paragraph here ---

The citizens fight over each other as they shove, punch, and kick their way to the head. I flee from the scene and go back to the Executioner’s Den. In a fast pace, I get out of my robes and into my regular clothing. I hurriedly walk to my Den and go

color=#FF0000]Tonight is[/color] not welcoming my dreams.

Overall

As a whole, the idea of this story is great, in my opinion. I can see it going many places and becoming something very interesting. As far as I can tell, it's interesting and certainly has potential. I also really liked your characters, especially your MC. It was nice to see a kind executioner; one that felt a slight bit of guilt for what he was doing. I'm assuming that your French because of your writing and some of your comments, so I'm impressed with your English. Your grammar as a whole was pretty good. I found some misused commas, but nothing serious. Your spelling was also very good, although you were struggling quite a bit with your tenses.

In my nit-picks, I edited all of the misused tenses for you. I'm not sure what tense exactly you want this in, but I edited it to present tense because that's the tense I got the impression you wanted to use. I'm hoping that by looking at my tense edits, you might notice a pattern in the differences between present and past tense. I find that tenses are a hard thing to explain, to be honest. You just have to remmeber to avoid using words like is, am, will e.t.c unless it's in something like dialogue, a character's thoughts, or something like a letter in your writing. Tenses are something you'll hopefully be able to grasp with practice.

The only proper critique I have for you is to do with the kids's situation and the happening when they were in the old house. To begin with, if Vincent found the evil guy, why didn't he capture him there and then? Actually, shouldn't he have been captured anyway? If he was being executed the next day, wouldn't he have been held in captivity until his judgement day came? Another thing I found a bit strange was that he was letting the captured children run free in the village. Surely, after killing their families, wouldn't people be looking for the children? Do you see what I'm trying to say. I think there are details here that you might want to revise and reconsider. Don't worry if it means making the chapter longer. The length of the chapter doesn't matter as long as everything makes sense and everything that needs to be explained s explained.

Negative comments aside, this novel certainly does have potential. All that you need to do is to take into consideration your reviews and edit this up a bit. If you do that, I can easily see this being a really great piece of writing!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey, Roal! I can see that a lot of our cool YWS reviewers have given their comments on you work. So, just listen to them and pay attention to their nitpicks, 'cause what I'm going to do is give you my general opinion of your work. Uh, that means I won't be nitpicking too much.

First, your tenses were shifting. Some YWS reviewers give serious deliberation for that, I'm one of those who doesn't care. LOL So, it's really up to you. I think the reason why you should sustain tenses is because shifting tenses might confuse readers. Confusing readers will lose their interest, so--it's still up to you! HAHA

You also have some flaws in your punctuation, esp. when you're trying to put a dialogue. For example:

“Good kids shouldn’t be stealing.” I told them.

That should be:

“Good kids shouldn’t be stealing,” I told them.

I also spotted one cliche:

...black as the night.

If you were to ask me, I honestly hate that cliche. It's too--cliche!!! LOL Thinking of a unique simile is probably one of the most challenging brain-wringer for writers, but it's worth the consideration. That goes, too, for metaphors and other images.

The only real critique is from is I honestly think this was a bit rushed. When you went all "...the next day..." It's a novel, so don't be scared describing as much as you want! =P The rush made it sound like a short story.

Anyway, I enjoyed the story. If only you told us what your MC looks like. =P Something made me interested in him. He's so kind... =P and he seems to be just forced with what he's doing. HAHA If he's hot...let me know. LOL kidding. =))

Okay, I'm done with my nitpicks. Sorry for the poor review. I'm not using my computer. I'm not used to not using my own computer. LOL We'll see how this goes... =D/


~~ Jash ♥

Hi, Roal!
Yes, I apologize. I'm terribly late. However, I have fought through the wild forest and made it out alive, just so I could review this splendid piece of literature. Ahaha.
Anyway, let's get cracking. I'm not going to do a thorough nitpicky review because our friend, Skinsy likes to be a nitpicker. >.>
Even so, I have a few points which I would like to address.

The crowd cheers as the woman’s skull fall down on the flat surface of the wood.

Should be *falls. Remember your tenses and how each verb flows within that certain tense. In fact, you had quite the bit of tense errors in here. I'm not going to go back and find them all but I think you should take a moment to go back and check them out. Pick either present or past, which ever one you're more comfortable writing in and use that.

I yawn and search the town for food. The markets got closer as I proceed to my destination; I saw children running toward me. They were pretending to play tag, how amusing. One of the kid bump into me, apologize, and before he got a chance to flee, I grab his arm and pull him back.

*Some bit of advice. Use "I" as little as you possibly can. Try limiting yourself to one per paragraph. I know that's hard but practice is good. Sure you can do two and if you must, three. But "I" can be very repetitive so make sure you watch out for them.

Overall, I think this piece is quite good. The characters are interesting indeed. The guilty executioner and the murderer who cannot kill children, hmmm. The very idea is making me think of the possibilities that can come out of this. You might have to toy with the plot to keep it interesting and work on grammar, punctuation, etc. etc to really bring this out to it's full potential but even so, what I have read so far was nice.

Now, your beginning was cool. You started off with a killer scene, no pun intended
Captured my interest. Getting to the core of the story, I'm not so sure where you intend to go with this plot so far but it seems interesting. Getting to your grammar, I didn't notice many misspelled words or such but I did notice some awkward phrases and oddly constructed sentences. Work on flow and bring your sentences together letting scenes connect easily so it's easy to read and follow. As mentioned, it was a bit rushed. Jumping from here to there, you need to keep it with a smooth flow. Your sequence of events were all over, honestly it was a bit difficult to follow the story for me. Sometimes I ended up reading things twice Maybe that's just me and my tired eyes. D: (I need to sleep.)

Anyway, you have an interesting idea and I hope you expand on this and give us more details with the overall plot and the characters and why they do what they do. Explain their behavior. Okay, that's all for now. If you have any more questions, feel free to PM me :3
Keep writing!
Cheers,

~Shear

Hey,
Here as requested. You've had some great reviews so far, and I feel as though what i have to say is being redundant. So, I won't go all out, but I do have to say that the french you threw in confused me a bit. even when you used it in the dialogue, I felt liek I didn't understand what it meant. Maybe think about adding a little glossary at the end of the chapter.

Have a good day,
Tiffany

Here’s a dreamy review as requested. I hope it helps.

Humongous first paragraph! An opening paragraph is supposed to grab your reader’s attention to hook them in, but also to ease them into the story. It looks intimidating (changing the readers enthusiasm of starting your story), and it’s harder to digest. It may sound insignificant, but structure is important too.


I raise up my arms – Seeming she’s holding an axe, and that’s interesting, to would be better to put it here. Try to say more will less words – it will help with the pace and the generally quality.

as I stare down at the condemned woman. – This suits its purpose fine, but you could make it a little more condense with information to add to the imagery. Stare is a little vague where as you could say glare if the narrator is angry at the lady or wince if they pity of feel guilty for her. Condemned woman is also unnecessary. You’ve shown this, so you don’t really need to tell. Instead, let the situation and description speak for itself.

She was already prepared for her death. – This is vague. Another ‘show don’t tell’ moment. How was she prepared for death? Why does the narrator think that? Justify it in some way. The way the woman portrays being prepared will also show character, which is what people relate to.

down on the mark of her naked nape. – on the nape of her neck maybe? Or was there a scar there? Or is there a distinctive mark that shows she was part of some secrete society which is why she had to be killed? Ok, that was a little specific, but the wording is a little dodgy here. You would benefit from either being more specific or compromising with your imagination and writing more vaguely. I mean, either the nape of her neck or describe what you mean by mark.

as the woman’s skull fall down on - ‘falls’ and it’s not really her skull. The skull is just the bone, where as this is very much a head with hair, skin, eyes and other organs...you get the point. You could hear the noise of her skull hitting the ground but its her head that will be rolling around. Although, when executions happened like this, they had a basket for the head to fall into and for the blood, so it might be good to add that in. Show you know your stuff.

Why am I scared? Is it because this was the first woman whose life I took? How many more will I take before ‘they’ are satisfied? – You’ve put this as direct thoughts. This is what is running through the narrators head in the moment, but the problem is that you’ve written it in past tense.

They got louder than before / The markets got closer as I – Try to replace these phrases with something a little more descriptive. ‘The crowd roared’ – This shows rather than tells. You may be wondering why that makes it slightly more engaging, but by saying roaring you’re implying hostility, loudness, animal behaviour – and you’re saying it in less words too.

with the rest of condemned criminals – There’s a missing word (the), but seeming they’re dead, the narrator is talking figuratively. Again, here is where you can show a bit of the narrator’s emotions and values. If he refers to them as ‘victims’ then he feels guilt, where as he refers to them as ‘traitors’ then he agrees with the killings. Little tweaks like these let your readers know more about the situations and characters.

You go into quite a lot of detail of what the narrator is wearing, and what they change into. It’s not really all that engaging, and it takes you a few sentences to explain it all. Try to integrate the slightly less interesting but maybe somewhat important moments into one slick sentence.
I swap my black hood and heavy robes for a light grey shirt. – focus on one or two prominent feature instead of listing everything.
Jointures- Knuckles? Joints?


I wipe off the blood and smile; it looks brand new again. – I’ve replaced a comma for a semicolon here as the sentence is incomplete. It’s the perfect opportunity to use one, as the second clause replies on the first. The other thing I have changed is ‘smiled’ to ‘smile’. You’ve slipped out of present tense here. I’ve found a few more after, but I’m not going to say where. Instead, I’ll leave you to read through and edit for yourself.

The markets got closer as I proceed to my destination; I saw children running toward me. – This isn’t really how a semicolon should be used. Yes, it’s a slightly longer pause than a comma but it also implies that the second clause relies on the first so when you use it you can be suggestive. So that you get the full effect out of this technique, only use it when it means something, which isn’t here.
Losing seven coins, the children gladly accept the coins and my saying. – It’s not all that clear what you mean by ‘and my saying’, but the repetition of the word ‘coins’ makes the sentence feel more awkward. Maybe use ‘money’ on the second ‘coins’, and rewrite what you mean by ‘and my saying’.

Curiosity fought and won over hunger. – I had to read this a few times to get the gist. Maybe say add a word here and there, ‘my curiosity wrestled with my hunger and won’, otherwise it’s just confusing. I get your point, but your readers shouldn’t have to work for it.

A man, who stood taller than all of them – no need for that first comma, and again, the description doesn’t need to be a precise comparison but able to create a strong image in a readers mind. ‘taller than him’ or ‘loomed over him’.

“Where did you marmots get these gold coins from?!” grabs the coins from their hands. – missing words, and tagline.

, jump and bit his hand, releasing the coins. – jump is in the wrong tense, but as you’ve fallen in and out of tenses so much I’m a little confused to what is right. Present or past? And as the boy isn’t holding the coins, releasing seems inappropriate. Maybe ‘freeing’ or ‘forcing the man to release the coins’.

release a powerful smack – release is quite a passive word. Maybe something a little more aggressive like ‘unleashed’ or even ‘threw’.

All in all, I’d love to see this improved as it really is a good read. An interesting and original feel start to what could turn into a fantastic novel. I hope what I have shown you so far is enough for you to apply to your writing. As long as you understand my points you should be able to spot them later. Let me know if anything needs more explaining or else you won’t benefit as much. Feel free to disagree with anything too, as it’s your story at the end of the day.

Good luck with your writing and see you around.

Hey. Here as requested.
(I'm sorry if this review is terrible, Im tired.)

So, it seems like the other people got onto your grammar/nitpicks/spelling case, so I won't repeat what they said. Instead I'll talk to you about your characters, setting and stuff.

Is this set during the Reign of Terror, during the French Revolution? YOu should probably make that very clear so the reader doesn't get historically confused. (Because I actually ignored the spoiler on top. Make that clear in your writing!)
Your main Character seems very interesting, and well thought out.
Okay, I lied. I have a nitpick.



Is that all one paragraph?
You should slow down, really take your time describe. I want to see the glimmer of the sun on the axe, or whatever. I want to feel your MC's heart race as he lowers the axe. It was pretty deviod of emotion, which didn't really work.

Keep Writing!
~WickedWonder

I'm having trouble on seeing how you guys see this as "rushed" because I do not see how it's rush. D:
It seems perfectly fine to me!! Maybe because I'm the one write it? D8

Roal - BUDDY! What's going down? Yep, as promised, I am here to review your work. Cassa de Review-ae never turns down a review no matter how big or small. I must tell you now that this was very cool and interesting. Definitely something I'm not used to reading but hey: new things are cool things! And well all wanna be cool right? *crickets chirp*

I. Nitpicks:

I tighten my grip on the handle of the axe as I swuing it down on towards the mark of her naked nape.

Hmm, two 'lil mishaps here. Well I think they are anyway. Instead of saying swung say swing, as you've already got a rather presently tense going on in this sentence don't jump back into past tense, m'kay? And the other thing; instead of on, I say towards, makes much more sense.

They've become louder than before but the echoes in my head are still block my hearing.

You do not have to add this, but I feel like are is needed in here. It just struck me as I was reading the sentence and couldn't seem to pass my way around it. So, I'm just bringing it up, you do not have to follow through with it. After all, it's up to you.

Taking off the heavy robes that is dark as the night, reveals a chainmail is revealed from below.

Still sounds a little sketchy but I feel this explains more then what was previously in its place. Again, it's up to you whether you change it or not.

The voice bursts outside the house.

S seems relevant, but yeah...you know that you don't have to.

2. Plot/Arc:

All in all, this is a very interesting concept. I see what the other readers mean by going a little to fast and I thought: you're having trouble, so I'm going to try and show you. Mhmm, aren't I just an angel? *Roal shakes her head* Nah! Humbug!

Alright, so the first paragraph really draws you in. It has excitement, blood and death. Three concepts which most like, but then, after just one chapter you jump. This chapter to me is very short. I would've be surprised if it was only one page. You can add a lot more into if you just explain more. Take this for example:

The execution ended when I drop her head into the metal bucket with the rest of condemned criminals.

So we got this sentence, brilliant and thorough I feel like I am there. But it's just to adrupt. For the last two paragraphs why didn't you just explain more. Explain why the girl was killed, explain how the man felt being given the executioner job or killing his first female victim. Was he sad? Scared? Angry? Happy? All these emotions can be leaked into just a few paragraphs and it will definitely lengthen.

I walk back to the Executioner’s Den and take my black, hooded mask off.

And then bam! We're brought into this. There was no link, I just felt like you forced this onto us. Don't get me wrong, this is a very interesting story but by doing something like this you're kind of dulling the paragraph above down. Explain his journey home, the poeple in crowd clapping his back, the screams of people chanting his name. Those few things, it'll really work, trust me.

That's really all I picked up for the going to fast part. Sure you sped up along the lines of others but yeah...I can sum that up for you. What I think you should do is layer. What this means is you go through the chapter and add as much as you can without making it seem to reader as if you've just done that. Trust me, it works, I do it all the time. One thing you've got to know is that adjectives and similies, verbs, pro-nouns, nouns, ADJECTIVES are your bestfriends when it comes to writing. And by layering you can add these in and people won't have the faintest idea.

Here is an example, as I'm to stupid that I cannot explain it well enough. Hey, don't blame me that I'm a 'lil thick.

Anger rushed to my head like thunder striking a stormy sky. I sliceSlicingthrough the name of his neck, I smashedthe thick peice ofwood below him. Blood gushes from his beheaded body as the fresh corpse fall down slumps to the stone ground. I did not hesitate to grab his skull and show it to the crowd. I even gave the crowd a little souvenir! I lean Leaningback, a smile cracked across my red cheeks. Grunting, I threw the head towards the crowd, watching the thick scarlet blood speckle over the heads of the crowd. and threw the head with all my might. Like vultures, the citizens fought over each other as they shove, punch, and kick their way towards the head.

You see what I mean, you could've done a lot more right here and now, but I smell of coffee and need to hit the shower, pronto! But anway, I really reccomend you do this. It'll place so much length into your story and it will really make it shine and even make more sense.

III. Overall:

Interesting and thrilling, this was a geat peice that I thoroughly enjoyed. I cannot wait to see new additions to this and I do hope you keep typing as you do have talent. Anyway, as I mentioned: the shower is calling me. Good day, ROAL!!!

Keep writing,

Cassa de Review-ae.