z

Young Writers Society


When my life was simpler



User avatar
26 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 899
Reviews: 26
Sat Oct 16, 2010 4:12 pm
Roadnevertravelled says...



“ We need a name for this place.” I said, looking out over the rocky hill to the empty road before us. He pauses for a moment to think before replying.
“ How about Terabithia?” A smile plays across his face. He turns toward me, his blue eyes glint with laughter.
“Isn’t that already a treehouse?” I joke. We made many jokes up there. It was the one place we were free to be ourselves. We spent the next half hour thinking up crazy names-The Tree of a house, square, Nature's palace, and Patrick's chapel. Being young is really the only time your happy. You don't have to worry about enemies and dating, just friends. We were friends.
Years pass. We grow, I being twelve and the boy now eleven. It was now summer and I was almost thirteen. We didn’t talk as much anymore, but in this one moment, when we sat on the surfboard sailing around in the water, it was like we were children again. No awkwardness or real thinking, just having fun together.
“ Remember building the fort? We never named it, we just always called it the fort.” I said. Being with him made me think of all the snowball fights and quiet moments while he was nailing a board in the floor.
“ Maybe The Fort should be it’s name.” I smiled. He had never really wanted to name it. I think he felt it was too final, like it was over. He jumped into the water and swam away.

School had started and I was thirteen. He still being eleven was in 6th grade while I was in 8th. That year his parents asked me to babysit him and his siblings. That was the end. We had named the fort. Broken our connection. We no longer were two kids perfectly comfortable hanging out, being friends. We were just neighbors now, nothing special. He didn't say hi to me at school or call wanting to have a snowball fight. Sometimes I wonder if he even really considered me a friend. I may have just been the neighbor he swam with and built a treehouse with.
Last edited by Roadnevertravelled on Sat Oct 16, 2010 8:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
  





User avatar
236 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4825
Reviews: 236
Sat Oct 16, 2010 7:48 pm
carelessaussie13 says...



Hi there,
Let's see. The first thing I want to say is that you've got a great grasp of beginning, middle and end, great dialog and a comfortable style over all. The problem with this was that 1. It closely resembles the overall arc of Bridge to Terebithia, and 2. It was fairly bland. You told us what happened, instead of showing it to us. With a twist, with some personality for the two characters, you could turn this into a real whopper of a story, a novel even. This is non-fiction, so clearly you are writing about something that happened to you, but honestly you could flesh this out, give the characters some buffing up and have a wonderful story. That's what I suggest, anyway.
PM me if you have any questions.
-Aussie
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark
  





User avatar
884 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 28282
Reviews: 884
Tue Oct 19, 2010 1:24 am
StoryWeaver13 says...



Okay, my first complaint is how you shift tenses. Sometimes you make it sounds like you're in that time and place, while others it sounds like the past. It just makes it a little confusing.
Being young is really the only time your happy. you're


“ Remember building the fort? We never named it, we just always called it the fort.” I said. should be a comma, a mistake you make throughout.


Anyway, story-wise I just didn't get that much of a plot, and I think you could've gone further with it. All the same, it wasn't bad either. I think I agree with what you're trying to say - we don't perceive the same things when we're young, and emphasize the things we want to see. When we're older and our perspectives change, we get another look at people...even people we think are our friends. And that's a good story to tell. I'm missing my inner child all over again *sigh*...but back on topic, I think you just could've expanded this, and made it into a much stronger piece.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket
  





User avatar
319 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 9100
Reviews: 319
Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:55 pm
Jashael says...



Hello, Road! Jash here to review as requested. =) My nitpicks will be in pinkish font. That means, if you find something altered, I changed that. =)

Roadnevertravelled wrote:“We need a name for this place,” I said, looking out over the rocky hill to the empty road before us. He paused for a moment to think before replying.
“How about Terabithia?” A smile played across his face. He tured toward me, his blue eyes glinted with laughter.
“Isn’t that already a treehouse?” I joked. We made many jokes up there. It was the one place we were free to be ourselves. We spent the next half hour thinking up crazy names--The Tree of a house, square, Nature's palace, and Patrick's chapel. Being young is really the only time you're happy. You don't have to worry about enemies and dating, just friends. We were friends.
Years passed. We grew, I turned twelve, and the boy was now eleven. It was now summer and I was almost thirteen. We didn’t talk as much anymore, but in that one moment, when we sat on the surfboard sailing around in the water, it was like we were children again. No awkwardness or real thinking, just having fun together.
“Remember building the fort? We never named it, we just always called it the fort,” I said. Being with him made me think of all the snowball fights and quiet moments while he was nailing a board in the floor.
“Maybe The Fort should be it’s name.” I smiled. He had never really wanted to name it. I think he felt it was too final, like it was over. He jumped into the water and swam away.

School had started and I was thirteen. He wasstill being eleven; hewas in 6th grade while I was in 8th. That year his parents asked me to babysit him and his siblings. That was the end. We had named the fort. Broken our connection. We no longer were two kids perfectly comfortable hanging out, being friends. We were just neighbors now, nothing special. He didn't say hi to me at school or call wanting to have a snowball fight. Sometimes I wondered if he even really considered me a friend. I may have just been the neighbor he swam with and built a treehouse with.


This is very short. Uh--I've noticed some nitpicks there, which are highlighted in pink above. I also deleted the spaces between the open quotation marks and the dialogue; just so you know, you don't put spaces there. For example, you wrote:

" Maybe..."


This is correct:

"Maybe..."


See? No space.

About the story, well. I don't wanna be harsh, but you've lost my interest while reading through it. It was too simple, I guess. You left the reader with sooo many questions like: what are their names?! Not knowing much about the characters are pretty much--boring. And the plot. Well, I'm not sure if there was a plot. Short stories should have a plot.

Okay, Imma shut up now.
If you have any questions, PM me or post on my wall.

Keep writing!

~~ Jash ♥
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


My SPOTIFY page
Facebook
Got a life?
  








rule #1 of being a potato: potatoes gotta defend their friends from negative self-talk
— Spearmint