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Young Writers Society


The Law of Moses



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Thu Oct 07, 2010 5:03 pm
carbonCore says...



My first story to post here!

Folks, I'd just like to note - this story can be quite disturbing for some, so PLEASE don't read it if you are easily frightened or have a problem with sexual or drug-related topics. But if you are sure, well then, read on! Comments are very appreciated.

Spoiler! :
Have you ever felt so much pain that you started calling morphine "liquid Christ"? I have.


I did it because of envy. Not because I was particularly inconvenienced by his grunting, her moaning, or the scraping of their bed against the floor at night. I did it because he lead a life I wished for but could not have. She didn't even love him, I bet, they just used each other for casual sex. We all know this story: I was the nice guy every girl said she wanted, and he was the sexy jerk that every girl actually wanted. No, no - wait - this sounds like a murder story, does it not? What is the ghastly thing I continue to omit naming, you ask. Well.

The set-up is not important. The thing I did - I simply asked them to fuck a little quieter, if they didn't mind. A reasonable request, if you ask me. Polite, to the point. He didn't think so, I guess.

They gave me a little clicker with morphine inside of it when I was finally admitted out of the hospital. That's when I started likening the drug to Christ. I would whisper inside my head for the Lord to march through my body and make the pain from the broken bones go away. And with that, I made sure never to forget cursing the ever-present moaning, groaning, and scraping above me.

With enough motivation and the Internet, anything is possible, it is only a matter of time. Seven days is how long it took me. Seven days of following a chain of links, dead ends, and loops before happening on an obscure Serbian blog which gave me exactly the information I needed.

I finished making the doll by six, just around the time she returned from school and he returned from work. It was a fat little thing consisting of plump grass tied around a skeleton of sticks. A little lock of black hair adorned its head, held there by a rubber band.

Everything had to be perfect. A stack of pillows, clothes, and whatever else I could find sat atop my bed, so I could climb on top and hear better. It would not be perfect if their love was not loud enough, because I wanted the rage to build up in anticipation of justice.

They started at 10:32. As the noises filled my room, I stared down the little doll, barely holding it in a crooked, shaking hand. It was so easy to finish everything now, and I derived a sadomasochistic pleasure in denying myself such a quick finish. No; I wanted the hate to fill me like it never had before. Top to bottom, all-encompassing. I brought the effigy closer to my mouth and, after breathing in with a quivering gasp, gently exhaled warm air over it.

A loud groan from up the stairs told me everything worked. "Jesus, baby, it was cold outside. Warm me up like you did just now. More." More, he asked. He asked for more.

"Don't you worry now, my beautiful," I whispered to the doll. "More is coming soon."

My gaze was affixed to the doll, my breath rolled over it for the next half an hour. My smile was wide and twisted, and on my exposed lips I could taste the salt of tears.

"I love you so much," she said.

"I wish you were in my arms forever," he said.

"It begins," I said.

The needle only went about a millimeter in, but it was enough. The scream startled me, and then doubly so as she screamed as well. My fingers found the morphine clicker by themselves, and I could only barely hear what was being said through the haze of amplified pleasure. The Lord walked inside my veins, but I was doing the work of Moses. Eye for an eye. Disproportionate retribution for disproportionate retribution.

"Oh my god, you're bleeding."

A loud bang - he fell to the ground, moaning. I fell on my back, wanting to moan too, but biting my lip.

"I'm no goddamn woman," he said. "I'm not supposed to bleed out of there."

"You will be what I want you to be, honey," I said. "Why don't you be a dancer? Do a little dance for me."

I pierced the doll's left foot. Another scream, then tumbling, so hard that paint chipped from the ceiling. Come now; let's see how much you will love him when all the machismo is taken away.

"Come on, do something! Call the ambulance!"

"Yes. Oh, god, where's the phone. Hold on, they'll help."

"But don't forget," I whispered. "It will take them twenty minutes to get here."

"Help me," he said.

"Here, put your arm - yes, hello, he's bleeding on the ground, I don't know what's wrong, send an ambulance to..."

The anger intensified the pleasure, but it made body coordination difficult. I only wanted to hold the doll more closely so that I could strike with the needle at the next body part, but I underestimated my strength, and felt a quiet click underneath my finger.

"Oops," I said.

I think there were words about his arm, but I could scarcely hear because of the screams mixed with the words, and the morphine mixed with my blood. So much pleasure. Moses, the god of Vengeance. Who knew that your hated act could feel so good?

For the next ten minutes I felt as though I was floating. The needle in my hand, now seemingly with a mind of its own, struck the doll methodically in every place it could find. My weight evaporated, and so did my thoughts. My world consisted only of me and the ceiling in front of me, on the surface of which I could almost see the man above writhing in agony.

"Please stop," she sobbed. "Please. I don't want you to die."

The needle paused, and so did the screaming, simmering down into moaning. He moved then, maybe to prop himself up and stand. I could hear his hand disturb what sounded like a shallow pool of liquid.

"Don't die," she repeated. So even when the big strong hunky jock is reduced to broken rubble, she continues to love him. I laughed a little. No - I laughed so hard that I dropped the needle. What a stupid girl.

"Don't die. I will not live without you. Please don't leave me. Please - please."

"He should have thought of that before responding to a simple request with fists, little girl," I said. I pushed the little button on my wrist a few more times, and, just before another wave of morphine washed over me, snapped the doll's head off.

Wow. Well, how about that. Looks like you were right to suspect me - this was a murder story after all. The most unusual thing, though - she screamed even louder than he ever did when his head came tumbling on the floor. No matter the amounts of morphine, no matter the level of righteous satisfaction I felt, I could not help but feel - if only just a little bit - that I had wronged someone.
Last edited by carbonCore on Wed Feb 02, 2011 1:38 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Thu Oct 07, 2010 6:42 pm
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theXunseen says...



I'm a huge fan of revenge, so your story appeals to me. The main character is sarcastic, which I identify with, and he has suffered unjustly, with no consequences brought to the one who caused his pain. I really liked it. I wish it were longer, though. And I would like to know what happened to him. Why was he in the hospital? How badly was he injured? You make it obvious to readers that the man upstairs did it, but how exactly did it occur? Please don't take offense, because I really did like the story. I just posted my first story to YWS, and it's hard to read the critiques.

it's true when they say you don't know what you have until he's gone.
  





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Thu Oct 07, 2010 11:25 pm
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Shearwater says...



Hi DEin! Pink here :)
So, welcome to YWS!
Penguin for you!
Image
Now, back to the review...

"Don't you worry now, my beautiful," I whispered to the doll. "More is coming soon."

Is it just me? I feel like calling the guy beautiful is kinda awkward? lol
Another scream, tumbling, so hard that paint chipped from the ceiling.

This is kind of worded weirdly to me. I'm guessing you mean he fell or something when you mentioned 'tumbling' but when I read it I thought you were trying to describe the scream as tumbling, which made me kind of confused.
"Yes. Oh, god, where's the phone. Hold on, they will help."

I think the 'they will help' was bit too formal. It just stood out to me, maybe you could just change it to, "they'll help" or something. You don't have to, it's just my suggestion.
I was close to overdosing, I thought, and that was the last thought I had for a while.

If he's thinking, the thought should be in present tense, no?
I'm close to overdosing, I thought, and that was the last thought I had for a while.
My world consisted only of me and the ceiling in front of me, on the surface of which I could almost see the man above writhing in agony. Small dark spots appeared and slowly grew in size on the white paint.

I would lose the 'in front of me' part after ceiling because it's implied that the ceiling is...well, in front of him. Plus, you've already established his position before. We know where he is. lol
Also, how thin is the ceiling to where he could see the blood? I mean, wow, is that just me or poor foundation?
Sorry for being super nitpicky.
Even while sinking in the shoreless ocean of purifying pleasure, I could not help but feel just a little bit like a jerk.

Naw, really? XD

***

First of all...wow! XD
I really enjoyed reading this. I mean, introduction wise, you did a pretty good job setting up a nice attention grabber and you slowly reeled us into the story with some sarcasm and some funny comments. I found myself quite absorbed, you see, when I review, I review while reading. But while I was reading your story, I decided to screw reviewing and wait until I actually finished it. It's been a while since I felt so into a story. Ten points for you! :3

Next, you have the the core of the story. Sure, I think you should have mentioned a little bit more of his pain, why he would go through such lengths to kill the guy. I mean, I know the guy probably beat him up because he told them to keep their noises down, but realistically, would you seriously beat up a guy (and send him to a hospital) because he told you to f*** a little quieter? I don't think so. But that might not be the case because you didn't explain it much. I could only infer.
In addition to what Xun had mentioned, I do think it would have been better if you made this a bit longer. I actually won't mind reading all of it. The more detail and explanation, the more real the story becomes.

Anyway, taking a look at your description and all, I think you did a pretty neat job. Your grammar and punctuation was correct and I couldn't really find any mistakes. Another ten points. Overall, I found this story exciting, stories with vengeance are quite fun to read and you didn't fail to certainly entertain me. Good job!
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

~Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  





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Sat Oct 09, 2010 6:20 pm
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Talulahbelle says...



Hey there! I thought this was excellent! It was really dark and stuff, but super entertaining. There were a few parts - just phrasing and such - that could've clearer, but that's no big deal. Just read it out loud to yourself and you'll what needs to be done. There really isn't much for me to correct so I'm just gonna say - Welcome and I'm really glad you've joined!
I go to seek a Great Perhaps...
  





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Thu Nov 11, 2010 5:43 am
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emoinpink says...



My first reaction was "Neeegaaarrrrgh!" I know that doesn't make any sense-it's the sound I make when emerging from a absorbing yet shocking story. "Neeegaaarrrrgh!" is probably the best compliment I could give you. :P

But I have a habit of being blunt, so please don't this too badly when I say this: the formal, flowy language was bordering on pretentious and purple-prosey. Like when he said:
I am close to overdosing, I thought


I never really thought of drug-users thinking of their habit like that. Something like:
I am close to the limit,
would've sounded more realistic. Or something similar. And the phrase:
Even while sinking in the shoreless ocean of purifying pleasure,


made me cringe a little.

But I liked the idea, and the way you set it out, and... I'm not exactly an expert on writing terminology, but I liked it. So, yeh. Have a smilie face :)
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.-Japanese Proverb
  





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Sun Feb 06, 2011 6:03 am
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Azila says...



Hullo, cC. I'm sorry that it took me so long to get to this, I was getting to my review requests in order but then things came up and I had to take a few days off before reviewing this. Also, it's really late right now and I slept less than four hours last night so please forgive me if I don't make any sense. Anyhow...

I'm not going to give nit-picks--not because I think either of us are above them--just because I didn't really notice anything glaringly awkward or incorrect and I don't have the patience to be too picky. The voice felt a little bit inconsistent (conversational one moment, formal the next), but I don't think that's a huge problem. Your style, for the most part is eloquent and literary. It's an interesting contrast to the mature/dirty/dark subjects, I think. People who are writing about drugs and sex and such generally tend to give their characters voices that swear a lot and use really short, gruff sentences. But you don't do that. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not, since it seems to be in keeping with your style in other things you've written, but in this piece it seems to be making a point. It felt like this is not the way that our hero usually lives. Not at all. He's not used to being a drug addict or a (nearly) careless murderer--this isn't who he really is. And that sense makes the whole thing readable, in my opinion. It makes me pity him and wish I could have met him a year or two before the time of this story... and it keeps me from despising him completely because I know he's not mentally well, and he's not being himself. Not that I think he's not despicable (I do!) but this sense of him actually having once been a sane, "good" person prevents the story from sinking into depressing darkness. His sarcasm and wit also help. He's got a dry sense of humor, a bitter sense of humor--but it's endearing. And, frankly, I'm going to cling to anything that I can find that makes me like him.

While I'm talking about your main character, I'd like to... um... talk about him a little bit more. >.< Okay. I know it must be hard to write about a psycho-killer-druggie character, especially in first person, but I would like to understand him a little better. This all feels very detached and distant--as though it really should be in third person. I know you're touchy about the whole "show, don't tell!" mantra, but I think you won't see me as overreacting here. Because this piece is, I think, a perfect example of why emotional showing is a good idea. See, I'm not sure exactly what you're going for, but I personally find these types of pieces the most effective when I can connect with the person who is performing the heinous acts. When I feel, if just for a moment, that I am them. That's when it crosses from disturbing to terrifying. And your piece is hovering somewhere in the middle.

I would really like to understand his thoughts more. I would like to know more about his jealousy, and I would like to feel his every pang. Did he ever even have any kind of relationship with the girl? Or is he just jealous of her boyfriend because... he's just jealous? You say that she loves him (the narrator) but is he just saying that, or is it actually true? Does he have memories of being with her? Basically, is the overheard relationship between the girl and her boyfriend just an insult to our hero? Or is it insult added to injury (to use a miserably overused cliché)?

I also find the religious imagery interesting. I'm not very knowledgeable about anything Biblical, so I can't really comment on the content that much, but I liked the feeling of it. However, it didn't really help to enforce the feeling that this isn't how the hero usually is. In fact, it made it seem like he has been thinking about these things for a very long time and has come to a way to justify his actions to himself, so to speak. People tend to use religion as a way of coming to terms with the negative aspects of their lifestyles. Interesting. I'm not sure if you're going for him having been like this for a long time or not, but it's something to think about.

I'm only going to talk about two more things that I think could use some monkeying. The first is the darkness. The piece is really mature. You know it is. But I'm not sure it needs to be. This might just be me and my insane innocence, but I have to wonder if all that R-rated content is really necessary. I guess the point of the piece is that someone does these horrible things without really realizing it... but do they have to be so horrible? Do they have to be so explicit? I don't know. I feel like a lot of young writers think their writing has to be write mature/graphic in order to be good. In order to be grown-up. You aren't one of those writers, but I wonder if you might be falling for that here. I'm not saying this very well, but I think the mature stuff sort of takes over the story and distracts from the main point of the piece. But it might only be distracting for my poor-little-15-year-old-little-girl-self. Another thing t think about anyway.

The other point I want to bring up is what, exactly, the main point of the piece is. Right now, I'm not sure. Is it all about the ending? The final (brilliant) twist? Or is it about the character, and how his jealousy ruins him? Is it about some religious or symbolic meaning that I'm not picking up on? I kind of feel like if I can't understand what the point is, I'm tempted to think that the R-rated-ness is the point. Now, I know it's not, but especially in the context of a forum for young writers that is what stands out about it. I'm not sure how (or if) you should address this issue, but I think a first step would be clarifying your purpose for writing this. What are you trying to say with it? It doesn't have to be something you could sum up in a few words, but it has to be strong--at least as strong as the rating, I think. And one way to make that stronger is to think about the length of this. Other reviewers have said that they think it should be longer. Personally, I thought at first that it should be shorter, but after reading their reviews I see their points as well. I feel like this should either be a bit shorter, to emphasize your point by making it be the substance of the piece, or a bit longer, to emphasize your point by getting the reader more involved. Right now, it's sort of in-between and I'm not sure what to think of it.

That said, love the ending. It is so ironic and disgusting and poignant... and it makes me pity him. He's like a child who's just had a blast making an enormous mess but feels a vague, fleeting sense that his mother might not enjoy cleaning up after him. I think that one line adds the perfect little touch to keep the piece from being overly dark. Well done.

Well, I better go to sleep now, before I ramble the Internet away. If you make it through that review without your brain turning to mush, then congratulations because I honestly just typed and typed all I could think to type without really paying attention to whether it's readable or not. >.< I'm sorry if I dwelled too much on the mature nature of the piece, but... well... it made an impression on me.

PM/wallpost me if you want to, of course.

Ta ta,
a
  








The magic is only in what books say, how they stitched the patches of the universe together into one garment for us.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451