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Jinxx



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15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 328
Reviews: 15
Wed Oct 06, 2010 11:54 pm
screamandshout says...



Spoiler! :
This is something I've been working on lately, but I'm not sure if I will continue it. And I just wanted to point out that the font color signifies a change in veiw. Should I continue the story, or move onto something else?


I ran through the seemingly endless alley, struggling to hold onto my breath. Streetlights clicked off as I approached them, making the moon my only adversary. The gravel slid beneath me, gravity forcing my body to the ground. I scrambled to my feet, the world spinning around me. All the lights within my sight were completely black, not a glimmer shone on the alley. It was useless, I was trapped.

LAUREN
Rain softly pelted the rooftop as I tossed in my bed. My alarm had announced that somewhere, beyond the blanket of clouds, the sun hid from its duty. I thought about how nice it would have been to stay there all day, to waste my life in my dream home. But I forced myself from the warmth of the covers, over to the mirror that hung from my wall.

Every morning I began the same routine. I combed the knots from my stringy blond hair the part favoring the left side of my head. I pulled a navy blue hoodie over my tee-shirt, and slipped on my mud colored tennishoes. The faded jeans I’d fallen asleep in the night before would just have to do. I skipped the makeup the other girls insisted I wore and slowly opened the bedroom door, trying to be quiet as possible. As I’d expected, Mom was sleeping off her hangover on the living room couch. A miller light can lay open on the floor. The once white carpet, singed from years of cigarette ashes, some ours, most not, was now a musty gray. Our light green walls, where family photos should be hung, sat bare. Memories where simply ghosts to haunt us, to make us wish to go back, to relive our most precious moments. The TV was turned on, but “mute” glowed a bright blue in the upper corner, so the only sound was the constant patter of the rain outside. I retrieved a decently clean rag from the kitchen counter, dampened it with warm water, and forced it down on the brown spot. I left it there, hoping it would clean most of the stain, and that Mom would realize why it was there, or even better, not notice. I slid through the front door, ignoring my stomach’s demands for breakfast, walked down the stairs our apartment and into the cold, wet, city streets.

The rain fell harder with every step I took, the water seeped through my hood. Only a few trees stood along the cracked sidewalk, most of them were bare; leaves no longer grew in the barren city. This street was always dead at this time, only the occasional stray dog proved it wasn’t completely abandoned, but today it was eerily quiet. I contributed this with the rain. A pit bull ran across the street, a common sight around here, and ran straight toward a tall, brick apartment complex. A few moments after it disappeared, a horrid screech rang through the air, yet oddly, no barking followed. When the dog, which I recognized as the same one to bare his teeth at me every morning, darted from the side yard of the apartment complex, not even slowing down to notice me, I allowed myself to be swallowed by curiosity.

The building stood about five stories tall; the deep red bricks were nearly black for the rain. The weeds stretched up to my knees as it trudged through them. A rusty fire escape hung solemnly from the wall, and from the one of the higher landings, a small white patch hung off the side. It yowled a sound that could have come from the depths of Hades. I threw my backpack into the wet grass and hurried up the stairs, pretending like it was actually a safe thing to do. I was out of breath by the third flight of steps, but I kept going as the rain pelted me in the face. Every time I hit one of the landings, my feet nearly slid out from under me, and twice they did. I finally reached the place where the patch of white fur dangled helplessly. Its eye’s widened as its paws slid slowly from the vibrations of my footsteps. They shone bright amber from fear, its claws scraping the metal as it let out another cry for help. I lifted the small white cat, only moments before it would have hit the hard landing that await it below. Its claws dug into my hoodie as its body trembled from shock and cold.

The cat’s eyes flashed a deep purple as it pressed its shaken body against my chest. It struggled from my grip and leaped through a broken window of an empty apartment. I stood there, unsure of what’d just happened. The rain was thrashing down on my head, but I didn’t notice. The world seemed to melt around me, my mind in a haze. I walked over to the window where the cat vanished, pushed my head through the hole and pressed my hands against the ledge. Broken glass pricked my fingers, yet I wouldn’t pull back.

The inside of the apartment is dark; the only thing distinguishable is an old, tattered recliner. Nothing that hints where the strange animal went. I don’t know how long I stood there, letting my eyes unfocus, my breathing slow to a near stop. I’m not sure why I let the broken shards dig into my fingers, or why I can’t remember feeling the sting until I looked away, and how my hand was coated with blood. An ear splitting thunder suddenly broke my trance, suddenly pierced my hand with a horrid pain, and made the whole world blurry.

I sidestepped my way down the stairs, letting the rain clean my cuts. I found myself glancing over my shoulder every few seconds, thinking I’d heard steps behind me. I kept glancing around keeping my eyes peeled for that cat, but I wasn’t sure why. When I’d made it down the stairs I found my bag in the weeds, which by now was soaked and felt a ton heavier. I slung it over my shoulder and trudged the rest of the way to school trying to ignore everything that just happened.



JINXX
I slid my tongue over the soaked pelt that clung to my body. This form was a disgrace, a true embarrassment for someone of my power. It repulsed me that my lord and master found this a fair punishment. I knew of the surface world and its constantly changing climate, but never had I experienced it. My realm was never bothered by the annoyance of rain. Nor did the chilled wind ever blow through its depths in the many millennia I’ve paced its stone hollows.

And this constitution I’d been forced to posses, so fragile, so mortal. The thought of the word caused a hiss to slip from my lips; simply instinct of this form. Having to fear that your every move may shatter bones. And being focused to pertain to the laws of gravity and the limits of earthly possibilities. These claws could not even pierce the flimsy metals of human creation, where mine would slice through diamond on my weakest of days. The vision of this form is horrid. Green and purple, two colors that I knew only as myth, were my only sights.

But the inhabitants of this kingdom are certainly the worst. Throughout my existence I’ve encountered creatures of night mares; I’ve conversed with demons man can never imagine, for the mere sight of them causes instant disintegration. I’ve sang to the screams of the weak and danced in the tears of the suffering, yet never have I been as degusted by such a people. Their reasoning was mere foolishness, their troubles so petty. Their ideals are senseless and unthought. Always there was new news of death and crimes; it forced me to remember my task at hand.

But the girl I’d targeted only moments before was a bizarre exception. I scented her, alone, lost in thought. A simple and unexpecting prey. The anticipation of a job began caused me to lose all sense. The rain had take me by surprised as I leaped out from my temporary home and caused me to slide off the edge of the stair way. I cursed in distress, but useless vocal cords limited my speech. My prey climbed to the summit of the building, and slowly came to me. I was at her mercy, something I’d never granted. I felt something I’d always caused from a distance yet never experienced, fear. I knew in a normal circumstance this child wouldn’t be any trouble to overcome, yet in my state I was powerless. I’d considered making the jump to the cold ground below, but I would have been at the mercy of my master, which is worse. I felt the cold metal shaking beneath her steps as I scraped my claws against the metal, sliding off the edge.

Then, as if nothing, the girl snatched me up tender hands, and cradled me against her warmth. At first I was simply to shaken to resist, but then I leaped from her grip, and through the broken window of my hideout. She did not try to detain me, nor did she chase after me as most children do. She simply let me free as I wished, and this compelled me even farther. She did come to the window as I had beckoned to her. I studied her, yet unlike most humans, she wasn’t easily read. Eventually I released her mind from my hold and let her be on her way, knowing that we would cross paths again, I would assure it.
  





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130 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1853
Reviews: 130
Thu Oct 07, 2010 1:52 am
Baywolf says...



Hello!

This was very interesting. So far, not much has happened, but I like the concept. In places the flow and grammar was very rough, so you really need to go back and smooth those parts out. I think I might just highlight them for you. Yep, I will. :)

I ran through the seemingly endless alley, struggling to hold onto my breath. Streetlights clicked off as I approached them, making the moon my only adversary. The gravel slid beneath me, gravity forcing my body to the ground. I scrambled to my feet, the world spinning around me. All the lights within my sight were completely black, not a glimmer shone on the alley. It was useless, I was trapped.

LAUREN
Rain softly pelted the rooftop as I tossed in my bed. My alarm had announced that somewhere, beyond the blanket of clouds, the sun hid from its duty. I thought about how nice it would have been to stay there all day, to waste my life in my dream home. But I forced myself from the warmth of the covers, over to the mirror that hung from my wall.

Every morning I began the same routine. I combed the knots from my stringy blond hair the part favoring the left side of my head. I pulled a navy blue hoodie over my tee-shirt, and slipped on my mud colored tennishoes. The faded jeans I’d fallen asleep in the night before would just have to do. I skipped the makeup the other girls insisted I wore and slowly opened the bedroom door, trying to be quiet as possible. As I’d expected, Mom was sleeping off her hangover on the living room couch. A miller light can lay open on the floor. The once white carpet, singed from years of cigarette ashes, some ours, most not, was now a musty gray. Our light green walls, where family photos should be hung, sat bare. Memories where simply ghosts to haunt us, to make us wish to go back, to relive our most precious moments. The TV was turned on, but “mute” glowed a bright blue in the upper corner, so the only sound was the constant patter of the rain outside. I retrieved a decently clean rag from the kitchen counter, dampened it with warm water, and forced it down on the brown spot. I left it there, hoping it would clean most of the stain, and that Mom would realize why it was there, or even better, not notice. I slid through the front door, ignoring my stomach’s demands for breakfast, walked down the stairs our apartment and into the cold, wet, city streets.

The rain fell harder with every step I took, the water seeped through my hood. Only a few trees stood along the cracked sidewalk, most of them were bare; leaves no longer grew in the barren city. This street was always dead at this time, only the occasional stray dog proved it wasn’t completely abandoned, but today it was eerily quiet. I contributed this with the rain. A pit bull ran across the street, a common sight around here, and ran straight toward a tall, brick apartment complex. A few moments after it disappeared, a horrid screech rang through the air, yet oddly, no barking followed. When the dog, which I recognized as the same one to bare his teeth at me every morning, darted from the side yard of the apartment complex, not even slowing down to notice me, I allowed myself to be swallowed by curiosity.
The building stood about five stories tall; the deep red bricks were nearly black for the rain. The weeds stretched up to my knees as it trudged through them. A rusty fire escape hung solemnly from the wall, and from the one of the higher landings, a small white patch hung off the side. It yowled a sound that could have come from the depths of Hades. I threw my backpack into the wet grass and hurried up the stairs, pretending like it was actually a safe thing to do. I was out of breath by the third flight of steps, but I kept going as the rain pelted me in the face. Every time I hit one of the landings, my feet nearly slid out from under me, and twice they did. I finally reached the place where the patch of white fur dangled helplessly. Its eye’s widened as its paws slid slowly from the vibrations of my footsteps. They shone bright amber from fear, its claws scraping the metal as it let out another cry for help. I lifted the small white cat, only moments before it would have hit the hard landing that await it below. Its claws dug into my hoodie as its body trembled from shock and cold.

The cat’s eyes flashed a deep purple as it pressed its shaken body against my chest. It struggled from my grip and leaped through a broken window of an empty apartment. I stood there, unsure of what’d just happened. The rain was thrashing down on my head, but I didn’t notice. The world seemed to melt around me, my mind in a haze. I walked over to the window where the cat vanished, pushed my head through the hole and pressed my hands against the ledge. Broken glass pricked my fingers, yet I wouldn’t pull back.

The inside of the apartment is dark; the only thing distinguishable is an old, tattered recliner. Nothing that hints where the strange animal went. I don’t know how long I stood there, letting my eyes unfocus, my breathing slow to a near stop. I’m not sure why I let the broken shards dig into my fingers, or why I can’t remember feeling the sting until I looked away, and how my hand was coated with blood. An ear splitting thunder suddenly broke my trance, suddenly pierced my hand with a horrid pain, and made the whole world blurry.

I sidestepped my way down the stairs, letting the rain clean my cuts. I found myself glancing over my shoulder every few seconds, thinking I’d heard steps behind me. I kept glancing around keeping my eyes peeled for that cat, but I wasn’t sure why. When I’d made it down the stairs I found my bag in the weeds, which by now was soaked and felt a ton heavier. I slung it over my shoulder and trudged the rest of the way to school trying to ignore everything that just happened.



JINXX
I slid my tongue over the soaked pelt that clung to my body. This form was a disgrace, a true embarrassment for someone of my power. It repulsed me that my lord and master found this a fair punishment. I knew of the surface world and its constantly changing climate, but never had I experienced it. My realm was never bothered by the annoyance of rain. Nor did the chilled wind ever blow through its depths in the many millennia I’ve paced its stone hollows.

And this constitution I’d been forced to posses, so fragile, so mortal. The thought of the word caused a hiss to slip from my lips; simply instinct of this form. Having to fear that your every move may shatter bones. And being focused to pertain to the laws of gravity and the limits of earthly possibilities. These claws could not even pierce the flimsy metals of human creation, where mine would slice through diamond on my weakest of days. The vision of this form is horrid. Green and purple, two colors that I knew only as myth, were my only sights.

But the inhabitants of this kingdom are certainly the worst. Throughout my existence I’ve encountered creatures of night mares; I’ve conversed with demons man can never imagine, for the mere sight of them causes instant disintegration. I’ve sang to the screams of the weak and danced in the tears of the suffering, yet never have I been as degusted by such a people. Their reasoning was mere foolishness, their troubles so petty. Their ideals are senseless and unthought. Always there was new news of death and crimes; it forced me to remember my task at hand.

But the girl I’d targeted only moments before was a bizarre exception. I scented her, alone, lost in thought. A simple and unexpecting prey. The anticipation of a job began caused me to lose all sense. The rain had take me by surprised as I leaped out from my temporary home and caused me to slide off the edge of the stair way. I cursed in distress, but useless vocal cords limited my speech. My prey climbed to the summit of the building, and slowly came to me. I was at her mercy, something I’d never granted. I felt something I’d always caused from a distance yet never experienced, fear. I knew in a normal circumstance this child wouldn’t be any trouble to overcome, yet in my state I was powerless. I’d considered making the jump to the cold ground below, but I would have been at the mercy of my master, which is worse. I felt the cold metal shaking beneath her steps as I scraped my claws against the metal, sliding off the edge.

Then, as if nothing, the girl snatched me up tender hands, and cradled me against her warmth. At first I was simply to shaken to resist, but then I leaped from her grip, and through the broken window of my hideout. She did not try to detain me, nor did she chase after me as most children do. She simply let me free as I wished, and this compelled me even farther. She did come to the window as I had beckoned to her. I studied her, yet unlike most humans, she wasn’t easily read. Eventually I released her mind from my hold and let her be on her way, knowing that we would cross paths again, I would assure it.


Okay, so that took forever. I didn't even bother to highlight all of your tense shifts that didn't flow right. Yikes. Okay, good news: I really enjoyed the story. I didn't enjoy having to correct the minor slips in grammar that I saw as I read, so hopefully you'll go back and fix em up. I know, I know, that's a lot of green up there. But don't be disheartened! It can be done! And I think it should be in order to preserve the integrity of your story! That said, maybe I should explain what I highlighted. Ahem: unclear sentences possibly needing a comma or different phrasing, misspelling, missing letter (most likely an 's'), weird phrasing, missing word, wrong punctuation, or any variation of the above listed errors. Those were in no particular order, but if you have a question about a specific highlighted section, just copy it into a PM and send it over to me and I'll clarify what I meant.
Well, I most likely just overwhelmed you, so I'm going to stop. :) I'll leave you with my first impression, and that is that you have great flair for creativity, and my advice is to keep writing this story. It's promising and I think it warrants a further expansion. Let me know if you do decide to write more! I want to know how it turns out!

Happy Writing!
Bailey
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux
  





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45 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 3320
Reviews: 45
Thu Oct 07, 2010 11:16 am
TheGreatIthy says...



Hey there, I'm here to review!

Okay, first impressions, I really liked the story. It was very creative and intriguing. I found myself wanting to read more, so that's a good thing. Something that surprised me was the change in font colour. I know why you did it, and normally I would say that it is too distracting, ect, ect, but your story was strong enough that I actually stopped noticing the colour. In the future, I should mention that the colour changes are not necessary. You did preface the change of view with a subtitle and I think that would be enough to tell people what you are doing.

You changed between present and past tense a couple of times throughout. It's just something to keep an eye on. Other than that, I'm not going to go through and point out everything since I find that minor grammatical and spelling errors can be fixed in future drafts and what not. Just go through it again and I'm sure you can find them.

My suggestion, if you have an idea, run with it! I would love to see more of this story!

Hope this helps! Feel free to PM me with any questions.
Bees: They sting because they love!!

Will review for food!
  





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40 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3412
Reviews: 40
Thu Oct 07, 2010 2:03 pm
Talulahbelle says...



Hey there! I don't have much to say about this (sorry for my worthless review!), but everyone has pretty much covered the major points. Umm... I will say that you can be a little long winded, but its nothing to worry about, I think. Just keep it in mind. Overall it was really interesting. I've heard alot of people-trapped-in-animal-bodies stories, but you managed to avoid cliche and boredom really well. So...props, I really loved this and I'd like to read more if/when you have it.
I go to seek a Great Perhaps...
  





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153 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 32184
Reviews: 153
Fri Oct 08, 2010 4:19 am
Jagged says...



Hey scream, I'm finally here.

You've got a good start for a story: got your premises, some intrigue and your writing's not bad :P Still, there's still quite a bit you could do to make it better.

Your opening, the part bolded, is nice: it's got the action, enough mystery to pique a reader's curiosity and encourage to go further... and then you stop, change perspective and proceed to describe Lauren's clothes. Do we need to know what she's wearing and/or what color it is? Does that have any significance? As far as I can see, no. Changing that part to something along the lines of "I brushed my hair and got dressed" gets the message across just as well, and doesn't force us to trudge through three lines of pointless description. The house's description is acceptable because it sets the mood/setting (dismal home life, etc), even if it's a bit long.

I allowed myself to be swallowed by curiosity.

This sentence is too heavy, and you're using passive twice in a really short span of time: changing it to something as simple as "I allowed curiosity to swallow me" shifts the sentence so that it flows more smoothly.

A rusty fire escape hung solemnly

How can a fire escape hang 'solemnly'? Sure it sounds cool, but it doesn't have much meaning. Be careful when doing that sort of association.

It yowled a sound that could have come from the depths of Hades. [...] Its eye’s widened as its paws slid slowly from the vibrations of my footsteps. They shone bright amber from fear, its claws scraping the metal as it let out another cry for help.

That first sentence makes it sound like it's something scary/angry/threatening, but the other makes it clear that it's fear and helplessness. Either it's involuntary and you should fix it, or it was voluntary but you didn't draw the contrast well enough, leading me to think it is simply clumsiness.

Be careful with your tenses. You're using past as the main tense, but you slip into present in a couple of lines, which is distracting and pulls the reader out of the story. Read it over and change them to past. One example is at
The inside of the apartment is dark; the only thing distinguishable is an old, tattered recliner. Nothing that hints where the strange animal went.
, but there are more. The whole paragraph that follows that sentence is a mix of present and past. Fix it.

I slung it over my shoulder and trudged the rest of the way to school trying to ignore everything that just happened.

Why try to forget? Why not think more about it? Was it really so out of the ordinary? She seems to brush it off too easily, and with no real explanation here.

The Jinxx part is okay, if a tad over-the-top with the Evil™. Could use some more details too, though I assume those come later on, about what exactly happened for him to be stuck as a cat.
yet unlike most humans, she wasn’t easily read

This pokes at my "super special MC that's different from everyone else yay" alerts. It's not too bad yet, but be careful not to make Lauren into one of those awesome "unique" people, yes?

Nice going. Keep it up.
Lumi: they stand no chance against the JAG SAFETY BLANKET
  





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59 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1477
Reviews: 59
Sat Oct 09, 2010 10:27 am
Reuben A says...



Alo I'm here! Mwaha! HA ha! ha! ha! h!

But I forced myself from the warmth of the covers, over to the mirror that hung from my wall.


That happens too suddenly (I think). You spend so much time in the bed, then quite suddenly you're standing in front of your mirror. Describe the room a bit maybe.

I knew of the surface world and its constantly changing climate, but never had I experienced it. My realm was never bothered by the annoyance of rain. Nor did the chilled wind ever blow through its depths in the many millennia I’ve paced its stone hollows.


Judging from this paragraph I would suggest you put this story in Fantasy short stories instead.

And this constitution I’d been forced to posses, so fragile, so mortal


Ohhh put mortal in italics.

screams of the weak and danced in the tears of the suffering, yet never have I been as degusted by such a people


disgusted?

She simply let me free as I wished, and this compelled me even farther.


Firstly, compelled? That just doesn't make sense. Maybe confused? Secondly, further, not father.
Besides that wow! I couldn't find any story line or description problems, only typos...I really really liked this! You must continue this, I'll force you! Mwahahahahahahahaaaaaaa! :twisted: PM me when you're done with the rest :)
So stadig loop ons deur die pers Jakarandas wat val,die bome word kaal Pa staar na die beeld van Botha wat reis op sy perd,Hy wonder was bloed soveel werd.Soveel jare dra hy aan die naam van 'n plek,Soveel jare moet ons nou laat gaan,Is die naam dan so erg,so bitter en sleg?Hoekom gooi jul dit weg?
  





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84 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 31764
Reviews: 84
Sat Oct 09, 2010 2:49 pm
iceprincess says...



Hey there, screamandshout! Thanks for requesting, and I'm sorry it took me so long to reply. Homework is killing me. :D

So, most of the reviewers have already pointed out all of the points that I had originally wanted to talk about; so I'm sorry if you find this useless --- I usually have a lot more to say than just this. I will repeat a few points that I found was pretty lacking, and a few which I liked.

Every morning I began the same routine. I combed the knots from my stringy blond hair the part favoring the left side of my head. I pulled a navy blue hoodie over my tee-shirt, and slipped on my mud colored tennis shoes. The faded jeans I’d fallen asleep in the night before would just have to do. I skipped the makeup the other girls insisted I wore and slowly opened the bedroom door, trying to be quiet as possible.


This is unnecessary. We don't particularly see what kind of person Lauren is besides from the fact that she hates makeup. Cut this.

As I’d expected, Mom was sleeping off her hangover on the living room couch. A miller light can lay open on the floor. The once white carpet, singed from years of cigarette ashes, some ours, most not, was now a musty gray. Our light green walls, where family photos should be hung, sat bare. Memories where simply ghosts to haunt us, to make us wish to go back, to relive our most precious moments. The TV was turned on, but “mute” glowed a bright blue in the upper corner, so the only sound was the constant patter of the rain outside. I retrieved a decently clean rag from the kitchen counter, dampened it with warm water, and forced it down on the brown spot. I left it there, hoping it would clean most of the stain, and that Mom would realize why it was there, or even better, not notice. I slid through the front door, ignoring my stomach’s demands for breakfast, walked down the stairs from our apartment and into the cold, wet, city streets.


Now, this is pretty good. This actually tells us a lot about Lauren's life, and I really liked the descriptions.

The inside of the apartment is dark; the only thing distinguishable is an old, tattered recliner. Nothing that hints where the strange animal went.


You suddenly change tense here.

And this constitution I’d been forced to posses, so fragile, so mortal. The thought of the word caused a hiss to slip from my lips; simply instinct of this form. Having to fear that your every move may shatter bones. And being focused to pertain to the laws of gravity and the limits of earthly possibilities. These claws could not even pierce the flimsy metals of human creation, where mine would slice through diamond on my weakest of days. The vision of this form is horrid.


Very good.

But the girl I’d targeted only moments before was a bizarre exception.


This sentence reminds me of a certain Swan from a certain series *cough* Twilight *cough*. Just remember what Jagged said about a "super special MC".

Then, as if nothing, the girl snatched me up with tender hands, and cradled me against her warmth. At first I was simply to shaken too resist, but then I leaped from her grip, and through the broken window of my hideout.


So, about your story.

It was really good. Seriously.

It was creative, it was a bit melancholy, it was very interesting --- blah blah blah. My best advice would be that you continue the story, and continue feeding my curiosity.

Keep writing, and I'll be back for more.

-iceprincess =]
you'll never find another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
ocean lapping voice, smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
and you're all alone again tonight; not again, not again, not again.
and don't it feel alright, and don't it feel so nice? lovely.


  








huh. didn't realize santa was a batman fan-
— Mageheart