Young Writers Society

Dear Toby,
My day went by like a speeding bullet. Wake Up. Bathroom. Breakfast. School. Walk home. Homework. Bed. Really this is how I go on my daily life.
Friends? I don't have much. How can I have any if my life has been in many parts of the world?
1.) America
2.) Poland
and back and forth.
My life is well hard and boring. Yes, the word to my life at this moment is BORING.
I usually watch TV for the whole weekend. Yes, for the whole weekend! Who does that? Wait I know who, ME.
Oh, it's 9:30pm. Gonna head to bed.
Goodnight World.
Hope you reply
Kammie


I sent the e-mail and shut down my laptop. Then I went to sleep on the most comfortable bed in the world.

-----

My alarm went off playing the Jonas Brothers.
I opened my eyes blinking constantly. I heard my mom walking upstairs to wake me up.
She does that ever morning becuase she knows that I hate waking up in the early morning.

"I'm up mama," I said.

I jumped off the bed still feeling tired.

"Good, Jason get up!" she said to my older brother.

I walked to my white wardrobe and pulled out my only jeans that actually fit me. I picked out an Ozzy Osbourne top and ran to the bathroom. The sun was just rising since it was six am.

"I'll use the bathroom first," I told them.

I got into the bathroom and saw the sun's light flashing through the window.

more! more i say!
I just don't know here this is going yet.. and i can't wait to find out.

This is a good first chapter or intro for a novel or short story but is to short alone. Your lacking in information, in the first chapter of a story you should know the basics about your main character; Name, Age, Appearance, ect. You have her name and what she's wearing but I can't paint a picture of what she looks like. A book is a movie on paper. You have to design the set, choose the actors and write the script. While your writing is excellent and this could turn into an interesting read, right now it's just to short to keep a reader looking for more. You need to throw a hook, catch the reader, and reel them through your story. I look forward to reading more from you.
Much Luck and Love,
Change

It's me again!

I'm here for my last review. This looks like quite an interesting little story, so hopefully, I won't have too many critiques or nit-picks for it.

Dear Toby,
My day went by like a speeding bullet. Wake Up. Bathroom. Breakfast. School. Walk home. Homework. Bed. Really, this is how I go on my daily life.
Friends? I don't have many. How can I have any if my life has been in many parts of the world?
1.) America
2.) Poland
and back and forth.
My life is well hard and boring. Yes, the word to my life at this moment is BORING.
I usually watch TV for the whole weekend. Yes, for the whole weekend! Who does that? Wait, I know who. ME.
Oh, it's 9:30pm. Gonna head to bed.
Goodnight World.
Hope you reply,
Kammie

I opened my eyes, blinking constantly.

"I'm up, mama," I said.

I jumped off the bed, still feeling tired.

"Good! Jason, get up!" she said to my older brother.

"I'll use the bathroom first," I told my mum and brother.

I wasn't sure who you were talking about then. I actually thought your MC was talking to voices in her head or something... I'd suggest editing it like I did to make it clear.


Overall

This piece kind of feels similar to your last two to me. Like your previous short stories, this has felt like a section from a novel. The main reason for that, like I said before, is due to lack of background information. It's like your giving us a snippet of what's going on in the middle of someone's life. I'm confident in saying that this story has potential, especially if you do turn it into a novel or something. Your grammar has improved in this story as well, by the way. That's always a good thing! I didn't find any spelling errors either. Unlike the last piece I reviewed, I noticed that you often used rather simple verbs when you could have used more varied ones, but you didn't do that in this story.

The issue now is that I don't have much to critique you about that I haven't already said in my first two reviews. The main problem I found in this was, once again, lack of background information. For example, although I assume he is, I can't know for sure if Toby's actually Kammie's boyfriend. I'm guessing that he is, but it hasn't been confirmed. I don't know why Kammie's travelling so much either. Is it to do with her mum's job? Does her family simply like moving? Or is it something like her family's witnessed a murder and they must escape from the deranged murderer who's after them? You never know... I'm basically saying what I said in the other reviews... I'd love to see some background information on your characters and their situations!

Overall, you need to watch out for your little grammatical errors, tense issues, and you especially need to remember to let us readers know about your characters, not just let us into small snippets of their lives.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Its a pretty good Idea, but you could definitely make it better by adding more detail. Give more details about your character, your story. Don't rush it, but don't try to list off everything about your character in one paragraph. Let your character develop. Don't explain your character, let your character define itself though its actions. It gives the reader a better understanding of the character and it gives them a clearer picture. Its a good idea and I like it. I just want you do make sure you put your idea out smoothly and clearly so it appeals to more people and enjoyable to read.

I look forward to reading more from you. Good luck and have fun writing.

Hmm, this is a very interesting start. I actually do feel the way the email in the story was. *Laughs* I think your story is good so far, but it does need work. Adding detail is one of the most important things about writing a story. No matter if it's poetry, short story, fiction, non-fiction, as long as the Harry Potter series! You must have detail, go into depth of why your character is in such a hurry. Don't leave anything out! Remember:Conversation is everything! Keep it flowing.

Good Job and have a great day!
-Soggy

Well, First, I need more detail to give a full review.
Minor grammer mistakes.
All I can really say is MORE DETAIL. Describe more about how the MC(Main Character) looks.
Who's Toby? Is it supposed to be a mystery or what?
-Libby.

Hey! pointe here as requested!

Dear Toby,
My day went by like a speeding bullet. Wake Up. Bathroom. Breakfast. School. Walk home. Homework. Bed. Really this is how I go on my daily life.
Friends? I don't have much. How can I have any if my life has been in many parts of the world?
1.) America
2.) Poland
and back and forth.
My life is well, hard and boring. Yes, the word to my life at this moment is BORING.
I usually watch TV for the whole weekend. Yes, for the whole weekend! Who does that? Wait I know who, ME.
Oh, it's 9:30pm. Gonna head to bed.
Goodnight World.
Hope you reply
Kammie


I sent the e-mail and shut down my laptop. Then I went to sleep on the most comfortable bed in the world.

-----

My alarm went off playing the Jonas Brothers.
I opened my eyes blinking constantly. I heard my mom walking upstairs to wake me up.
She does that ever morning becuase she knows that I hate waking up in the early morning.

"I'm up mama," I said.

I jumped off the bed, still feeling tired.

"Good, Jason get up!" she said to my older brother.

I walked to my white wardrobe and pulled out my only jeans that actually fit me. I picked out an Ozzy Osbourne top and ran to the bathroom. The sun was just rising since it was six am.

"I'll use the bathroom first," I told them.

I got into the bathroom and saw the sun's light flashing through the window.
Overall: really SHORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! needs to be longer, if this is all you've done, sorry so overall