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The Lockets -- Chapter I



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Fri Sep 17, 2010 6:53 pm
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Jashael says...



Spoiler! :
This is my very first piece. I wrote it last year. But since I was very busy with my studies, I didn't have any time to edit it.

So many thanks to those who reviewed my work! :D/ You guys are awesome! XD


Watch the trailer first please:: CLICK HERE.

Click here to join my page for my first ever novel, The Lockets, or else live with the harassing guilt of declining a simple request by an aspiring writer named Jash Bagabaldo. Okay, if that threat didn't work, I'll just say: "PLEASE?" *Pretty eyes* =)

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(Pt. 1)

I - Paradoxes

It was a dull afternoon in late autumn when you could watch the remaining brown, yellow and orange leaves being blown away by the wind leaving the tree branches bare. I strolled down the city streets with my twin sister, Snowflake, obliviously watching a brown, crippled leaf flutter across the path and against the footsteps of the bustling crowd. Reflective thoughts conquered my mind: I am not supposed to be here, I do not want to be here, at the other phase of this dying orb is where I long to be.

I paused at the thought and closed my eyes. sinking into a powerful contemplation. I could perfectly remember that years ago, though it must have been a similar dull afternoon in late autumn, on the other side of the world, rain had gently caressed my cheek and one of the red roses I had thrown before me--on that black velvet box that had been buried six feet underground, beside that block of cement where “Angelyn Leshathé” was engraved.

It crossed my mind that a decade had passed, I had been standing perhaps right through here, heels over head, in a black raincoat too big that the prickly rose I had been holding was hidden under the sleeves. An innocent eight-year-old child—just as I had been—whose face had swollen from three days nonstop weeping was leaning her head against my right shoulder, her eyes ablaze with much confusion and fright. That particular girl had had indeed the most intimate relationship with her mother; and, next to her father, she had been the one having the hardest time letting go.

It also crossed my mind that only ten years had gone by, Father, clothed, as ever simple as he had been, with a shirt and a pair of slacks, had stood next to the little girl, with a poise showing fearsome courage. But I could remember exactly how that young man had grimaced at the horrible scene before him. Obviously, he had simply been hiding his misery and, too, was in the throes of great loss.

“May she rest in peace," is what I had uttered back then--at the other side of this world--to break the dismal melody the tender drops of water were playing.

If twenty-four years had gone by too fast and were not enough for those who had deeply loved her, what more could a hundred months offer?

All of that flashed in my mind like a spooling sepia film, and tears fell instantly down my cheeks. The details were magnificently real--too painful.

"Yue." A hand rubbed my back. "It's time to go."

I opened my eyes and looked at Snowflake. I faintly nodded.

I watched the sky grow darker as Snowflake drove down the road. My eyes then shifted to the buildings. I was imagining what could lay beyond those facades. It must be the sun; it had to be the sun. All those ten whole years, I had never seen the sun set at this side of the world. But when Mother was still alive, Father had always taken us by the bay every weekend. I remembered well what it looked like on the other part of the Sphere: the sun's pinkish-orange rays would shine on everything. From red-laced pink clouds to purple puffed-up ones, the beams would paint the sky with the colors of the rainbow and would glisten on the crystalline waters, creeping down on our cheerful countenances.

I loved that scene: natural beauty of creation devoid of any city’s insinuation; and I had hated it when the vast illumination would slowly fade away and be replaced by its reflection on the moon.

You're as beautiful as those panorama of lights, Mother, I thought, sighing. Why did the sun have to set so soon?

I rested a cheek on my arms horizontally lain on the open window and smelled the odd scent of dried leaves. “Psst…Snow!” I broke the deafening silence. “Remember our little squabble?”

“What could make me forget?” She giggled as she nudged me with her elbow. “It was frickin' stupid!”

I lay back in the car and started to chuckle myself. But a glance at the window was all I needed to stop.

“I was trying to admire that tremendously beautiful view…beyond those buildings,” I whispered to Snowflake, “and you brayed at me for doing so.”

“I know,” she whispered back. “I remember.”

We drove by an endless cemented pavement edged with successive lampposts. Each turn we took; each intersection we crossed; each shop, or building, or house that we passed by; all were too familiar, and I kept asking myself: How could all these things remain the same after everything had changed?

Finally, we reached Father’s penthouse which was just twenty minutes away. Snowflake and I were silent as we go up the building.

"Father?" I called as I opened the door.

It didn't surprise me that it wasn't locked. Father always left his door unlocked when he knew he would be having guests.

"Father?" I repeated.

Snowflake pushed me in. "Just get inside, creep." She laughed and entered as well.

I looked around, and my eyes could never miss that paradoxical ornament: There was a big, yellow vase sitting in the middle of the room. It was full of flowers, which were bright and colorful, contrasting with the dull colors of Father's room; and I could tell that Father most certainly was not the one who bought or requested it.

"Wow," I heard Snowflake say under her breath as she closed the door behind her.

"Yes, wow," I echoed.

I walked up the flowers--stunned. These were not those common beauties I had been forced to believe 'ordinary' within those ten years. Gumamelas and Sampaguitas--flowers I had not seen for far too long than what I thought I could not bear. I smiled as I scrutinized them, gently feeling the textures of the petals. My fingers slid down the stems and on the vase, from prickly to smooth. I closed my eyes and smelled the flowers. The bouquet had love and care painted in its arrangement. Whoever sent this must have really adored Mother.

“Where did all these flowers come from, Dad?” I asked as I held up one of the floras. “They're like magic.”

“They’re from your grandpa,” Father said as he came out of the kitchen, wiping off bits of flour from his face. “Grandpa Bob.”

"Dad!" Snowflake ran to him.

"Hey, honey."

Father hugged Snowflake and kissed her on the forehead. When Snowflake pulled away, he hugged me as well.

“You can stay and rest in my bedroom. I know it’s been a hard day for you two,”—he looked at Snowflake—“especially you, Hon. There will be guests tonight for dinner, so go on. Get some rest. I’ll be in the kitchen.”

Snowflake and I reposed in Father’s room. How comfortable were we. It was peaceful, and the serenity helped my thinking to stop for awhile and let me relax. I lay on the bed. Snowflake plopped beside me, her blue dress puffing up a bit. She pulled out a receptacle from her bag and began applying make-up. She asked if she could do the same on me, and I allowed her to.

“Take off your glasses,” she requested, “and close your eyes. Pink shadow? It will perfectly match your black dress.”

“You’re the expert.” I smiled and closed my eyes. I felt the brush lightly touch my eyelid, and for a moment there, my mind began to wander again.

I could see myself bonding with Mother and Snowflake, still so young and still so innocent. I started to miss the way she would strike our hair with a Goody brush when we were seven. I started to miss the way Mother’s sable hair draped over her shoulders, contrasting greatly with Snowflake’s and my white-blond hair. I could still remember the aroma of the lemongrass shampoo, sometimes rosemary, which would fill the room every time we would raffle that veil of ebony silk before bedtime. In fact, I could remember the scent so well, the childhood memories it roused were so real. We were the three missus-keteers wearing our best nightgowns.

“Mom...” My sister would start to ask apparently silly questions. Mother held her in her arms. “Mom, if I die, will you cry?”

Mother had never seemed to mind her ridiculous inquiries, and she would always give Snowflake a satisfying answer. “Of course, my dear, but I would never want that to happen.”

Inay *,” I had asked next while twisting Mother’s hair around my finger, “when should I expect people to die?” I was always more curious in sensible things and was believed to show more maturity than my sister. “And if someone I love dies,” I had added, “what would be the best thing to do?”

Mother’s face began to look weary. I had felt as if I had asked a sillier question than Snowflake, it only brought up silence. But Mother, having stared at me for a minute, carried me on her lap with Snowflake. Then she hugged us both, very tight.

“Of course,” she had said as a tear fell off the bridge of her nose, “—of course, you would have to cry for awhile, if you really love and dear that person. But then, you have to be strong…” she said with a lower tone of voice. “And soon let go of your despairs; but never the moments you’ve cherished with that person.”

Tears had fallen down the bridge of Snowflake’s nose as well. I guessed, she was deeply touched by the sight of a weeping mother.

But as for me, I had been reflecting each word Mother had said and, apparently, was too busy to cry. I knew that there was something significant about her late night speech that a four-year-old child could not easily comprehend. And I would only figure out what she really meant three years later, after that particular conversation with her, when Snowflake and I had exchanged warm embraces under the moonlight, trying to console each other beside the glimmer of stars on the gentle rush of the waters flowing underneath our soles. We were shedding tears for our dearest mother.

Evidently, she had known about it all along. I found out that the medical consultant told her so. And if it were not for Snowflake’s inane question, I would have not asked my own asinine question, and Mother would have not given us the advice we needed to overcome the tormenting depression our juvenile minds had entertained.

But I had been innocent. I had known nothing of this thing called 'death' until my own mother passed away. So I just hugged her back then, very tight, and tried to imagine what it would be like to die. I just thought and thought as I felt my right shoulder become drenched with Mother’s and sister’s tears. More questions stimulated my mind each more minute I thought: What would hurt more, your own death or the death of a loved one?

“Yuenish,” Snowflake said; the brushing ceased. “Open your eyes,” she commanded. And so I did. She was staring at me with a sad smile. “You’re crying.”

I watched a faint figure of a girl hand me a handkerchief. I took the cloth and hastily wiped away my tears. We hugged each other and cried.

It must be rather absurd and a waste of time to let your tears flow over a reflection of a woman whose absence is still arousing a feeling of despair. That’s how some people think, but I guess for us, there was nothing wrong to weep. Especially at the time you were missing that person the most.

“You’re finally crying, Yue,” Snowflake jokingly remarked.

We both laughed at her comment. I blew my nose, and she continued applying make-up on me.

“What do you suppose is Father’s motive for tonight?” I asked Snowflake.

“How the hell am I supposed to know, Yue?” she retorted. “Maybe a special dinner commemoration for Mom?”

Our conversation yielded into silence. I just waited for Snowflake to finish what she was doing then we lingered in the kitchen.

The kitchen had always been a humdrum place for me, and it was the least expected division of a house that you would find me in. In contrast, whenever, wherever, this room was the heart of a home for dearest Father.

Why? Well--who could ever deny such food delectability? Every heavenly delicious meal I had ever tasted in my life was conjured—fried, or baked, or simmered, or sautéed—by this handsome young man.

Our father, Darwin Leshathé, was a famous chef. If he wasn't signing fan-books for his popular novels, he was starring in a cook show that had reached international reputation.

Like him, I knew I ought to write, too; I showed potential as young as two. But, on the other hand, no matter how much my father wanted it to happen, Snowflake would never follow his steps on being a master cook.

They always used to fight over what Snowflake would be when she grew up, but it was of no use. She had insisted on being a dancer, swift but graceful, just like Mother. So when Snowflake's defiance had gotten under Father's skin, he finally gave in and let Snowflake move into New York to study at Julliard University. But I stayed in another penthouse here in Seattle.

Father’s apartment was more luxurious than mine, of course; but I was quite overwhelmed with the plush surroundings Father had provided for me when we entered college. We had always lived a plain life despite of our family’s fortune—just settling in a simple house in Snohomish. We moved because Father thought he would have had more opportunities to work in this city. And he was right. Offers were profuse here. Everything even began to be all about work--work, work, work. And not before long, Father had begun to be too busy for us that he pretty much gave us everything we wanted in substitution for his absence.

I must admit, it was very hard for me to grow up and look for my place in this world without the guidance of a parent--harder for Snowflake still; but somehow, we did make it, though Father became too indulgent and allowed Snowflake’s attitude to take a remarkable change the previous years. Permitting his lack of family time to be replaced by money, money itself turned my sister into a spoiled lady, who most of the time, if not always, got her way.

I had already told Father that there were certain things he should have been doing himself. He should have stopped thinking that entertaining gadgets and the latest fashion could be alternatives to his obligation as a father—as our father. But he would always rationalize. For instance...

“Sunshine, dear, look at yourself. Do you act like your sister? She’s just like that, moody and sulky. Period. Maybe she’s having a harder time entering the adult world unlike you. You’re too mature to think about being in at all. Besides, I spend Christmas Days with you guys, right?”

His statements were stark incongruous, too inexplicable that I already ceased in convincing him. And why would he describe me as if I did not care about being a teenager at all? He just didn't know. He just didn't know…

Snowflake went to the living room and turned on the television. I sat on a high slim chair in the kitchen, drinking hot cocoa. There was no wall or division that separated the living room and the kitchen so I could perfectly see what Snowflake was watching.

Drama.

Hating visualized entertainment, I realized that there was pretty much nothing more to do but to pretend like I was attentively observing Father cook when my mind was actually wandering in my own radical world where I was Jash Bagabaldo, a young teenage proxy of the FBI.

One typical afternoon, Jash was doing her homework in History when she was abruptly summoned by Mr. Tan Montenegro, a bogus officer of the institution. Mr. Montenegro was captured by the government for presumed espionage. He then managed to clandestinely pass out top secret files to Jash before his imprisonment. His letter to the girl states that the government is oblivious of the real intention of the military under General Garfield Halabuga. There was something suspicious about the spontaneous actions and orders of the General, especially the daily recruits request in South East Asia. Intrigues were aroused but soon forgotten, leaving Mr. Tan’s curiosity to lead him to spy. He then found that the wicked general was planning a worldwide invasion, which the government, being too confident with the leader’s performance, was apparently ignorant of. The files that were sent to Jash were incontrovertible facts that General Halabuga was sheer evil.

It was ridiculous—very ridiculous—I know.

A girl who had entered her teens five years ago would rather fantasize about being inducted in some surreptitious agency than to learn how to concoct a succulent dish which she might actually find practical and useful in future matters? It was a lame plot for a story anyway.

“—and this will serve about—uh—twenty-fi—why—what are you smiling about?” Father snorted with a wrinkle on his forehead.

“—nothing, Dad—I—I was just—I just remembered something,” I stammered.

“Uh-huh?” Father warily looked at me.

He started to chop some onions. His hand was too quick for my eyes to catch.

“You know,” he said as he took glances, but still perfectly slicing the onions, “people would unexpectedly turn confused when I found them interrupting me while I was just figuring out the perfect plot for a novel.”

We smiled at each other. Someone who could relate to me at last. We should talk more... but then again—his job!

“Are you writing something?” he inquired. "Is it romance? Adventure? Fantasy?"

Ding! Ding!

“I’ll get it!” Snowflake yelled, breaking up Father’s interrogation. The next thing we heard were impromptu shrieks of excitement.

"Surprise!" a female voice said.

“Yuenish!” Snowflake shrieked.

I turned around and gasped at the sight of a young woman. She was gleaming at me. I did not recognize her at first, but then I joined the jubilation and followed their wild screams.

“Ellaine?” I asked, still with a bit of doubt.

“Yuenish!” she exclaimed with a more excited smile. She flung herself toward me. “I am so glad to see you again!”

It had been five years since we had seen each other in a comic convention, and that was only an accident. With her occasional e-mails, chats and phone calls with Snowflake, I had been updated with what was happening with her.

Ellaine pushed me away. Holding still onto my arm, her smile faded into a stern expression. She pointed at me and said, “You should go online more often!”

Snowflake and she laughed as I tried to find an excuse.

“Oh, come on, Lane! You know that the Internet for me is just a source for research.”

“Aww,” she said as she hugged me and my sister, “I missed you guys.”

Ellaine Rhyth was our childhood friend from Snohomish. She was half Latina, half American. With her brown wide eyes and long black curls, mixed with her brains and being good-natured, there was always something to add to the list of why boys came running after her. Her cheekbone rising above her thick, rosy lips, she had a very charming appeal.

“I am so glad you’re here!” cried Snowflake. "Wait, why are you here?"

"“I am glad, too! And I just dropped to surprise you." She looked past us, at Father. She winked. "Uncle Darwin helped me for this surprise."

We laughed.

"And guess what?” Ellaine said, with excitement sparkling in her eyes.

“What?” I innocently asked.

“My auntie and I just moved here to Seattle.“ She glanced at Snowflake, then me, waiting for reactions. “I’m studying in Seattle University!”

Now that statement stirred up both cheerful and sulky attitudes.

“That’s just great!” I exclaimed.

“Yeah, great.” Snowflake retorted with her arms crossed.

“Aww…Snow,” I said to her as I drew her by my side. “You have your Michelle.”

She just bit her lip.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to visit a bit earlier and be with you guys on your birthday,” Ellaine said.

“It’s ok, Lane. Two days aren’t much that difference, right?” Snowflake answered.

“So,” Ellaine drawled, turning to me. “How’s Cloud Wheeler?”

Snowflake laughed as I felt a slight flush up my cheeks. “Uh—h—how did you know about—ehem—him?” I stuttered.

She stood up and threw a sofa pillow on me. “How could you?!” Ellaine put her hands on her waist in mock indignation as snowflake and I laughed. “You just had your first boyfriend and you’re not telling me!”

“Boyfriend?” I asked while looking about to know if Father had heard. “Could you keep it down?”

“Don’t worry ‘bout your dad, Neesh! He’ll understand. You just turned eighteen! Enjoy your liberty for L-O-V-E!” Ellaine plopped on the couch with Snowflake again.

We all giggled.

“Ok, I am so jealous of you, guys,” Ellaine continued. “Both Chase and Cloud are cute.”

“You’ve seen him?” I protested. “How?”

I quickly faced Snowflake. I swear my baffled look never left my face.

“Oh, c’mon, Neesh!” Snowflake exclaimed.

“Did you really think that we’d never know how he looks like?” Ellaine butted in. “Puh-lease!”

They laughed and teased me.

"So, tell me, Shine. Anything happened between you and Cloud?" Ellaine sneered.

"What do you mean?" I naively asked back.

"Don't play dumb with us! Spill it out!"


Ding! Ding!


I was saved by the bell--literally.

I paced for the door. I opened it to see a woman with statuesque beauty. Her immaculately designed dark-blue cocktail dress contrasting sharply with her light brown, almost blond hair. A pair of diamond chandeliers dangled down her ears and sparkled on her shoulders, and a black purse glimmered between her hands. The contact between our eyes revealed that there was some familiarity. I had seen her before, but I could not remember when or where.

“Who’s there, Hon?” Dad hollered from the kitchen.

The woman's humble, blue eyes smiled gladly at me. She stretched out a hand.

“Good evening, I’m Theresa Cox.”

When she told me who she was, I remembered: She was a prominent journalist.

"Ah--you're going to interview Father?" I asked.

"Ah--no. I was invited by your father to have dinner tonight."

I was baffled but I told her to come. What was she doing here? I just beamed back at her trying to hide that I was confused. But soon enough, I didn't have to fake a smile when she entered with a very young man.

Theresa looked behind me and threw cheerful smiles at the two ladies sitting on the couch. She gazed at me again and began to introduce the man behind her.

“This is my son, Cloud—“

“—Wheeler,” I interrupted.

Cloud pushed himself inside and stood beside me.

The woman smiled at us, and asked, “You, guys know each other?”

We both nodded.

“Well that’s good.”

Ellaine and Snowflake were tittering on the sofa, watching me and our guests.

“Wait, what are you doing here?” I whispered to Cloud.

“I should be asking you that question,” he said, perplexed.

“I live here.”

“You what? But my Mom said she wants me to meet her fian—“

"Darwin!" Theresa screamed.

Cloud did not get to finish his words. Theresa swiftly passed by Cloud and I. I turned around to watch her. Father pulled Theresa gently into his arms and kissed her. A lot of deliberation started at their seemingly immature behavior. I was scrutinizingly glancing about, trying to pull the pieces together, but nothing seemed to fit. Cloud gaped at the startling scene; Snowflake impassively stared at them; and Ellaine, well, Ellaine was just trying to get along with the crowd.

It was a long pause before I took the guts to break the infelicitous fuss.

“What’s going on?” I asked desperately.

“Tonight,” Dad started; he and Theresa were both smiling quite apprehensively at us, “we have invited our dearest relatives and friends to announce a very special affair.”

“We decided yesterday that we tell our children simultaneously,” the women continued, “that we are engaged and to be married next month.”

No one said a word. I stared at Cloud and soon enough, we were exchanging baffled looks. Ellaine was silent, and Snowflake flounced up from her seat and wore her coat.

“Where are you going?” Dad asked with a raising voice.

"I don't wanna be part of any of the bullshit going on." She exited and slammed the door.
.......................................................................

CLICK HERE FOR PART TWO.
Last edited by Jashael on Tue Feb 15, 2011 10:28 am, edited 19 times in total.
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


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Fri Sep 17, 2010 7:24 pm
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Fantasydotcom says...



Wow!
You totally have me hooked in your story.

I'm not really a critic, but more of a reader, and I must say; your story is really cool! It took me a while to start to get into it at first, but I'm always like that with stories I am unsure about.
The plot is brilliant, and that twist at the end has got me - hook, line and sinker.

All I can think now is....How on earth are Cloud and Yue going to explain to their parents about their relationship? Now that will be very interesting. I have never read a story with this type of twist, so this would be a first time for me.

I like your story so far, but, I'm no critic - If I like it, I read it, and I can't bring it in me to attack with critcism. Keep up the excellent work!

Fantasy
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Sun Sep 26, 2010 3:24 pm
SporkPunk says...



Hi Jash! I'm SporkPunk, and I'll review this today. Now, this piece is rather lengthy, so rather than going through and picking out everything I can find, I'll give you an example of each nitpick I have, and explain how it can be remedied.

Grammar:

Reflective thoughts conquered my mind in my afternoon amble: I was not supposed to be here, I do not want to be here, at the other phase of this dying orb is where I long to be.

When you quote thoughts directly, they should be in italics. Also, tense switch here. "Was" is past, "want" is present. When quoting thought directly, you use present. If indirect, use past. Not both.

“Why does the sun have to set so soon?”
I rested a cheek on my arms horizontally lain on the open window and smelled the queer scent of dried leaves.
“Psst…Snow!” I ejaculated. “Remember our little squabble?”
“What could make me forget?” She giggled as she nudged me. “It was freakin’ stupid!”
I plopped back in the car and started to giggle. But a glance at the window was all I needed to stop.
“I was trying to admire that tremendously beautiful view…beyond those buildings.” I whispered to Snowflake. “…and you brayed at me for doing so.”


When writing literary prose, it's generally desirable that one uses colloquialisms. It makes the flow better, and it makes the piece more accessible to those who may not have such a varied vocabulary as you do. Unless of course, the vocabulary is part of the character, but if that is the case, then you should not slip back in colloquialisms like "plopped," and "giggled." Also, authors generally try to stay away from archaic language, or they try to not use words whose meanings have changed almost completely, such as using "queer" to describe something odd. Nitpicky, I know, but it's something to watch for.

“How could all these things remain the same after everything has changed?”

You had this in italics, so, you don't need the quotation marks.

It’s been five years since we’ve seen each other in a comic convention, and that was only an accident. With her occasional e-mails, chats and phone calls with Snowflake, I could get updated with what is happening with her though.

Now, since your MC is narrating in the simple past, you want to keep using past tense and its forms, such as past perfect and past perfect continuous, etc. How I suggest correcting it:
"It had been five years since we'd seen each other in a comic convention, and that was only an accident. With her occasional e-mails, chats, and phone calls with Snowflake, I could get updated on what was happening with her though."

Other than that, your grammar was good. : )

Storyline:

I found it quite interesting. I've read something along these lines before, but I think you added some originality to it, which is good. I'm interested to find out how Cloud and Yue explain their relationship---or if it even lasts, given what's going to happen.

Overall:
Grammar isn't bad, but could be improved. I'm sure a proofreading session would remedy the problems, as I saw your note that it hadn't been edited. Storyline is good, and you give it a unique twist. I liked it, and think that it has potential.

~SporkPunk
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

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Mon Sep 27, 2010 4:55 pm
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Jashael says...



Click here to join my page for my first ever novel, The Lockets, or else live with the harassing guilt of declining a simple request by an aspiring writer named Jash Bagabaldo. Okay, if that threat didn't work, I'll just say: "PLEASE?" *Pretty eyes* =)

CLICK HERE FOR PART ONE.

------------------------------------------
There was a long pause again. If it were not for a knock at the door, no one would have been moving. Ellaine answered the door for us and there appeared another guest: a man also in his early thirties, Mr. Hanks. He was Father’s close friend, and it was a good thing that he kept my Father and step-mother-to-be busy. It allowed things to sink in my mind; I realized and thought: I am disappointed in you, Father.

Ellaine and I went and stayed on the balcony with Cloud. Soon, when about thirty guests had arrived to celebrate Father’s engagement—something I honestly thought would be about my mother—Ellaine eventually went home and left me and Cloud.

Never did I experience something as absurd as what I felt when Ellaine left. I mean—to be alone with a man you're greatly attracted to, then knowing that you were going to be step siblings. We had no blood relation, and there never would be; but still, it was awkward. How would you feel in my place? What would you do?

I leaned over the balcony’s rails, watching the panorama of stars hovering over the city lights. Cloud stood beside me.

“So, you’re gonna be my step-sis,” he said sarcastically.

“It’s stupid” I said.

Cloud laughed. “Tell me how.” He leaned forward so that our faces were only an inch apart. I stared into his eyes; I was such a sucker for hazel eyes.

I pushed him back. "We can't do this." Bowing my head, I whispered, “I have to talk to Dad.”

“Why?”

“This is so wrong.” I glared at him. But I knew he could tell that he was not the one I was really mad at.

“Resenting?” He smirked.

I sighed because I did not know how to react. “Not like that…it’s just…”

“I’ll call him.” He smiled at me as he turned around.

I watched his shadow fade while remembering why I liked him so much. He's cute, yeah—he was quite burly, too; but the real reason why he had my whole attention was because he was “Cloud Wheeler”—cheerful, friendly, caring, responsible, a joker, but could still be a bit serious. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have him as an older brother instead after all.

But then again…

I faced the night scene as I felt Father enter the balcony. We were alone at last. I could tell him whatever I wanted, if only I knew exactly what I wanted to say, and how to say it; I would, if I only could.

“Anak**, is there anything wrong?” he asked me. He must have noticed the way I turned my back on him.

I sighed and craned upward to stare at the stars. “Stars are beautiful wherever you are in this world.” I looked at him for a facial response.

“You have always been good in deflections, but this time,” he said smirking, “it’s not gonna work.”

We laughed.

“Now tell me what’s wrong,” Father gently said, pulling me in his arm and resting my head on his chest.

“You don’t know?” I retorted.

He turned pale, pretending to thoughtfully join me in my awe. “You were right," he said, looking at the stars. "Stars are pretty wherever you are in this world.”

“I’m not mad at you, Dad,” I said. “Let me just get used to it. It’s—weird.”

Father sighed heavily, as if breathing out pain he never had the chance to breath out. He reached into his pocket and showed me a little, black box. He opened it for me to disclose two lockets. He then held it up, clicked it apart with his other hand, and clicked it back together again. He took my hands, squeezing in the lockets.

“These are the necklaces your Mother wanted you to have for your eighteenth birthday. They were very special to her. I know I should’ve given it to you exactly on your day, but I couldn’t. I guess things were very complicated at that time.” He sighed again. “The one with a sapphire pendant is yours; the silver one, it’s Snow’s.”

“Thanks,” I said disconsolately.

“Could you give it to Snow for me, 'nak?”

“Yah, sure.”

He kissed my forehead. I wore my necklace and raced outside, grabbing my things along the way.

Father followed me. “You’re not gonna stay for a while more?” he asked in trepidation.

“No, Dad.”

“OK, 'nak.” He tapped my shoulder. “Let me call Cloud.”

“Cloud?” I asked, perplexed.

“Cloud!” he hollered.

Cloud appeared carrying his valuables.

“He’s to stay with you in the condominium—in Snow’s place,” Father explained.

How would Snowflake react when she knew that her room was to be transformed into a masculine area? I would never have to find out.

I kissed Father’s cheek.

"Let's go?" Cloud asked impassively.

I just nodded.

Cloud and I rode in his car. Snowflake had left with my car. It was almost one in the morning, and we were both exhausted. I knew that was one of the reasons why our trip was silent, but I also knew that we were both uncomfortable with each other.

I faced the window, like I always did. I knew he was glancing at me but was being hesitant to even try to say anything. I caught three of his glimpses at the side mirror of the car, and every time I looked at him, he would just turn away. If the incident did not change about how we felt for each other, then it was going to be very hard to live with him.

We reached the condominium.

“Snowflake?” I called, slowly pushing her bedroom door. It was open a crack, and I thought that it would be fine to enter.

“Oh, Yue." Snowflake walked up to me. "I already called Dad’s pilot and I”—she caught Cloud’s eyes—“what the heck is he doing here?” She exaggeratedly flipped her hand on her side.

Cloud just smiled.

"He's living here in your place, Snow," I explained.

“He’s what?” Snowflake said indignantly. “I am so outta here.” She went into her bedroom, and I followed her.

“I know how you’re feeling, Snow,” I said.

She whisked away her clothes into her bag and faced me with tears running down her face. She then hugged me. “This is so unfair,” she whispered. She clutched my shoulders.

I gently rubbed her back. “I know.”

Slowly pulling away, I threw her a cheerless smile. I reached in my pocket and showed her the necklace.

“Where did it come from?” She sniffed.

“From Mom.”

She took the necklace, smiled at me, and said nothing more. She left, not even minding Cloud’s “Take care.”

It was quiet when Snowflake was gone. The last noise I heard was Snowflake's banging the door. Cloud silently fixed his things as I stood still, arms crossed, trying to exchange stares with him.

"You must be tired," he finally said, wearing his backpack.

I faintly nodded, slowly finding my way to my room. When I finally had some privacy in my little, plush space, I took out a box of family pictures hidden under my bed. Jumping on the artificial comfort, I flashed the pictures out of the box. The older ones were settled in the bottom, so it took some time to come to the ones where Mother was still with us.

My favorite picture was our last trip at a bay in the Philippines. I held it up and collapsed on my back. The frame was full of boisterous tranquility. Closing my eyes, I strove to remember the scene to make it real again. And it was not that hard. I had a way of remembering things pretty well, and after a moment, I could feel Mother’s supple arms wrapped around me, I could see Snowflake climbing on Father’s broad shoulders, I could smell the mighty waters, I could hear our chorus laughter; we were just an ordinary family who had loved each other more than anything else in the world.

I smiled. And the slightest movements melted the images away. I opened my eyes and I found myself once again in one of the deluxe bedrooms of this lush penthouse in Seattle. It just felt so wrong; I felt so miserable. I lay on my stomach. My face sunk in the pillows. Wearing the necklace while hugging the picture, I cried myself to sleep.

--------------

*Mother in Filipino

**Child in Filipino
--------------------------------------------------------

Telling me that my work has potential totally made my day, Thank you. :))
Last edited by Jashael on Tue Feb 15, 2011 10:29 am, edited 9 times in total.
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Mon Sep 27, 2010 5:03 pm
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Jashael says...



SporkPunk wrote:Hi Jash! I'm SporkPunk, and I'll review this today. Now, this piece is rather lengthy, so rather than going through and picking out everything I can find, I'll give you an example of each nitpick I have, and explain how it can be remedied.

Grammar:

Reflective thoughts conquered my mind in my afternoon amble: I was not supposed to be here, I do not want to be here, at the other phase of this dying orb is where I long to be.

When you quote thoughts directly, they should be in italics. Also, tense switch here. "Was" is past, "want" is present. When quoting thought directly, you use present. If indirect, use past. Not both.

“Why does the sun have to set so soon?”
I rested a cheek on my arms horizontally lain on the open window and smelled the queer scent of dried leaves.
“Psst…Snow!” I ejaculated. “Remember our little squabble?”
“What could make me forget?” She giggled as she nudged me. “It was freakin’ stupid!”
I plopped back in the car and started to giggle. But a glance at the window was all I needed to stop.
“I was trying to admire that tremendously beautiful view…beyond those buildings.” I whispered to Snowflake. “…and you brayed at me for doing so.”


When writing literary prose, it's generally desirable that one uses colloquialisms. It makes the flow better, and it makes the piece more accessible to those who may not have such a varied vocabulary as you do. Unless of course, the vocabulary is part of the character, but if that is the case, then you should not slip back in colloquialisms like "plopped," and "giggled." Also, authors generally try to stay away from archaic language, or they try to not use words whose meanings have changed almost completely, such as using "queer" to describe something odd. Nitpicky, I know, but it's something to watch for.

“How could all these things remain the same after everything has changed?”

You had this in italics, so, you don't need the quotation marks.

It’s been five years since we’ve seen each other in a comic convention, and that was only an accident. With her occasional e-mails, chats and phone calls with Snowflake, I could get updated with what is happening with her though.

Now, since your MC is narrating in the simple past, you want to keep using past tense and its forms, such as past perfect and past perfect continuous, etc. How I suggest correcting it:
"It had been five years since we'd seen each other in a comic convention, and that was only an accident. With her occasional e-mails, chats, and phone calls with Snowflake, I could get updated on what was happening with her though."

Other than that, your grammar was good. : )

Storyline:

I found it quite interesting. I've read something along these lines before, but I think you added some originality to it, which is good. I'm interested to find out how Cloud and Yue explain their relationship---or if it even lasts, given what's going to happen.

Overall:
Grammar isn't bad, but could be improved. I'm sure a proofreading session would remedy the problems, as I saw your note that it hadn't been edited. Storyline is good, and you give it a unique twist. I liked it, and think that it has potential.

~SporkPunk


Hey, Spork! yes, this is a draft which I just saw in my D drive...I think I wrote it last year? :| anyway, Thanks so much! I learned a lot from your review. :)) It was very, very helpful! just so you know! :D/

Oh, and by the way, I'm sorry for my vocabulary, I am not a native American. :) English is not my mother tongue, so I'm not quite familiar with what is still in the language or what is now obsolete. As far as I know, I looked each word in the Oxford American Dictionary (2006) and I only used words with their present meanings. Tell me if a 2006 dictionary can be considered out of date. :)

Thanks again! :D

Fantasydotcom wrote:Wow!
You totally have me hooked in your story.

I'm not really a critic, but more of a reader, and I must say; your story is really cool! It took me a while to start to get into it at first, but I'm always like that with stories I am unsure about.
The plot is brilliant, and that twist at the end has got me - hook, line and sinker.

All I can think now is....How on earth are Cloud and Yue going to explain to their parents about their relationship? Now that will be very interesting. I have never read a story with this type of twist, so this would be a first time for me.

I like your story so far, but, I'm no critic - If I like it, I read it, and I can't bring it in me to attack with critcism. Keep up the excellent work!

Fantasy


Fantasy! that's very, very nice to hear. :)) maybe I can post the whole story. :P Even though it's a just a draft and I can't do any editing these days because I'm busy with my studies. :D/
Last edited by Jashael on Tue Oct 12, 2010 3:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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CharlotteGrace says...



I think that it was okay. It wasn't the best story I've read but it was good nonetheless.
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Jashael says...



CharlotteGrace wrote:I think that it was okay. It wasn't the best story I've read but it was good nonetheless.


hello, charlottegrace! I really wish you could've said more so I could've improved it...you know.--the "why"s...anyway, thanks. :))
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Jashael says...



Fantasydotcom wrote:Wow!
You totally have me hooked in your story.

I'm not really a critic, but more of a reader, and I must say; your story is really cool! It took me a while to start to get into it at first, but I'm always like that with stories I am unsure about.
The plot is brilliant, and that twist at the end has got me - hook, line and sinker.

All I can think now is....How on earth are Cloud and Yue going to explain to their parents about their relationship? Now that will be very interesting. I have never read a story with this type of twist, so this would be a first time for me.

I like your story so far, but, I'm no critic - If I like it, I read it, and I can't bring it in me to attack with critcism. Keep up the excellent work!

Fantasy


Hey, Fantasy! I've posted the next chap. I hope I get a review from you, too. :)) Thanks so much.
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SporkPunk says...



I only just saw this:
English is not my mother tongue,

That makes sense. Also, your written English is wonderful; I couldn't tell you weren't a native speaker. But now that you mention it, it does make sense for some of your word choices. I wouldn't say that the dictionary is out of date, just that it...keeps meanings that aren't usually used in everyday English. :) So...yeah. Oh, and slightly off-topic, but I'm kind of hooked by your story. Keep adding to it! :smt003

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Yuriiko says...



Hello there Jash!

Here as promised.

First of all, I'm going to apologize for the long delay of this, since I've been really busy this past few week.s Hope you understand that. :3

So on to the review. (Nitpicks wouldn't hurt, right?)


It was a dull afternoon in late autumn when you can watch the remaining brown, yellow and orange leaves


I don't think it's necessary for you to say the specific colors of the leaves. Just go straight to the point that they are dead or dried leaves.

being blown away by the wind leaving the tree branches bare, I strolled down the city streets with my twin sister, Snowflake, obliviously watching a brown, crippled leaf flutter across the path and against the footsteps of the bustling crowd.


I think it would be really better if you would have to place a period not a comma. It's because as far as I can see, your introductory paragraph is composed of run-on sentences. Which I think, is really a bad thing.

whose eyes were swelling from three days nonstop weeping was leaning her head against my right shoulder, her eyes ablaze with much confusion and fright.


It's not about repetition. It's about how you describe a particular subject in a very long sentence, which might perhaps bore your reader here. I believe you can just shorten that one out.

I faintly nodded


Don't forget the period to end the sentence.

I watched the sky grow darker as Snowflake moseyed down the road. My eyes then shifted from the sky to the buildings.


I think you can delete the highlighted phrase, because it's a bit redundant to read. You've just said that your MC watched the sky grow darker. So how about write it like this: "My eyes shifted to the buildings..."

Your as beautiful as those panorama of lights, Mother.


It's "You're", not "Your".

I started to miss the way she would strike our hair with a Goody brush when we were seven.


Um... are they twins?

I started to miss the way Mother’s sable hair draped over her shoulders contrasting greatly with my and Snowflake’s white-blond hair.


"Mine"?

Conversely, whenever, wherever, this room is the heart of a home for my dearest father.


"has been"?

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to visit a bit earlier and be with you guys on your birthday.” Ellaine apologized to us.


I don't think you need to use "apologized", since you've just said Ellaine was sorry.

“I should be asking you that question.” He said, perplexed.


One thing: If you're suing speech tags (such as he said, he replied, etc) after a dialog. always remeber to end the dialg with a comma, not a period.

~

I'm sorry about being too nit-picky. It's just how I review, you know. *laughs*

First of all, considering your first language isn't English, I think you have written this very well. I actually want to give you thumbs up for creating good descriptions and your good choice of vocabulary. However, there are just some instances where in, you switched your verb tenses a lot and some run-on sentences. In my on point of view, there are less emotions but you're good at showing. Don't place too much toppings on your pizza, girl. Balance out well with the emotions and depictions going throughout your piece.

Speaking of your characters, I'm just quite confused. There is a particular part where your characters call their mother "Inay", but their characteristics are not so Filipino, my dear. And not to mention, their father is Darwin Leshathé. Which I really think is not a Filipino name. I'm just really confused, that's all. By the way, Snowflake is really a nice name.

On to the plot, I think you have done it pretty well. Although I could see some info-dumps, that make me skip sentences that kind of bore me already. Your punctuations is almost good, so keep that up, Jash. Actually, speaking of the last part, I was also planning to make a novel the same storyline as yours. haha. But never mind, it's okay. :3

All in all:

I really think this has potential, Jash. Just fix out those errors and mistakes, and this will turn good. Also, perhaps, try re-reading this piece again so that you could be aware of the awkward phrases that you can notice. Lastly, I thank you for the good read. Hope I helped and PM me for questions. (I'm so sorry if ever I was harsh or something.)

Keep writing!

Peace out,
Yuri
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Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:05 pm
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Jashael says...



Hello, Yuriiko! No prob! :)

I was laughing when I saw your post. I mean, man! Most of those errors weren't errors! They were mistakes. :|
Anyway, yes. I will re-read this. Oh my...this was written last year. Oh well. :) Yes, it'll be better if I edit this. LOL

Ok, I will have to review your review to clear up some things. (L-O-L)
Don't worry, I won't be nit-picky as you were. >:)


My explanations in red font.
(Yes, I know, I know. I will edit this.)

Yuriiko wrote:
I started to miss the way she would strike our hair with a Goody brush when we were seven.


Um... are they twins?
Yes, they're twins. :)

I started to miss the way Mother’s sable hair draped over her shoulders contrasting greatly with my and Snowflake’s white-blond hair.


"Mine"?
Mine white-blond hair? XD

I'm sorry about being too nit-picky. It's just how I review, you know. *laughs*
No, you weren't too nit-picky. :)

Speaking of your characters, I'm just quite confused. There is a particular part where your characters call their mother "Inay", but their characteristics are not so Filipino, my dear. And not to mention, their father is Darwin Leshathé. Which I really think is not a Filipino name. I thought I'd imply that their mother is Filipino, and their father is western. Or do I have to tell that, too? "Their Filipino mothe...blah blah" What do you think? :| I really thought my readers could guess that out.)I'm just really confused, that's all. By the way, Snowflake is really a nice name.Thank you. *bow*

On to the plot, I think you have done it pretty well. Although I could see some info-dumps, that make me skip sentences that kind of bore me already. Your punctuations is almost good, so keep that up, Jash. Actually, speaking of the last part, I was also planning to make a novel the same storyline as yours. haha. But never mind, it's okay. :3
*gasp* LOL

All in all:

I really think this has potential, Jash. Just fix out those errors and mistakes, and this will turn good. Also, perhaps, try re-reading this piece again so that you could be aware of the awkward phrases that you can notice. Lastly, I thank you for the good read. Hope I helped and PM me for questions. (I'm so sorry if ever I was harsh or something.)

Thank you, thank you for the review! Have a nice day! :D/

Keep writing!

Peace out,
Yuri
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not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


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Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:42 am
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Fantasydotcom says...



jashbagabaldo wrote:Thanks, guys!
Here's Part 2:
------------------------------------------
There was a long pause again. If it were not for a knock at the door, no one would have been moving. Ellaine answered the door for us and there appeared another guest - a man also in his early thirties, Mr. Hanks. He was Father’s close friend, and it was a good thing that he kept my Father and step-mother-to-be busy. It allowed things to sink in to my mind, and I realized - yes; I am disappointed in Father.

Ellaine and I stayed in the balcony with Cloud. Soon, when about thirty guests have arrived to celebrate Father’s engagement— something I honestly thought would be about my mother, Ellaine eventually went home and left me and Cloud.

Never did I experienc something as absurd as what I felt when Ellaine left. I mean -to be alone with a man you are greatly attracted to, then knowing that you're going to be-siblings. What would you feel in my place? What would you do?

I leaned over the balcony’s rails, watching the panorama of stars hovering over the city lights. Cloud stood beside me.

“So, you’re gonna be my step-sis…” He said sarcastically.

“It’s-stupid” I said.

Cloud laughed. “Tell me how.”

He leaned forward so that our faces were only an inch apart. I stared into his eyes; I'm such a sucker for hazel eyes. Try to lengthen sentences with conjunctions and punctuation. Short sentences make the text seem unintelligent

I pushed him back, "We can't do this," bowing my head, I whispered, “I have to talk to Dad.” Watch your grammar and punctuation

“Why?”

“This is so wrong.” I glared at him, clenching my fists. I know I am not good in acting, and I know that he can tell he was not the one I'm mad at.

“Resenting?” He smirked.

I sighed because I did not know how to react. “Not like that…it’s just…”

“I’ll call him.” He smiled at me as he turned around.

I watched his shadow fade while remembering why I like him so much. He's cute, yeah—he was quite burly, too; but the real reason why he had my whole attention was because he's “Cloud Wheeler”—cheerful, friendly, caring, responsible, a joker, but can still be a bit serious. Maybe it won’t be so bad to have him as an older brother instead after all.

But then again…

I faced the night scene as I felt Father enter the balcony. We were alone at last. I could tell him whatever I wanted, if only I knew exactly what I wanted to say, and how to say it; I will, if I only can.

“Anak* (Child), is there anything wrong?” he asked me. He must have noticed the way I turned my back on him.

I sighed and craned upward to stare at the stars, “Stars are beautiful wherever you are in this world.” I looked at him for a facial response. Can we get spell check on that word? I'm unsure if its spelt correctly...

“You have always been good in deflections, but this time--” he said smirking, “--it’s not gonna work.”

We laughed. Can we come up with a better sentence? We laughed seems a bit short and to the point, like a factual statement

“Now tell me what’s wrong.” Father gently said, pulling me in his arms and resting my head on his chest.

“You don’t know?” I retorted.

He turned pale, pretending to thoughtfully join me in my awe. “You were right." He said, looking at the stars. "Stars are pretty wherever you are in this world.”

“I’m not mad at you, Dad,” I bluntly said. “Let me just get used to it. It’s—weird.”

Father sighed heavily, as if breathing out pain he never had the chance to breath out. He reached into his pocket and showed me a little, black box. He opened it for me to disclose two lockets. He then held it up, clicked it apart with his other hand, and clicked it back together again. He took my hands, squeezing in the lockets.

“These are the necklaces your Mother wants you to have for your eighteenth birthday. There were very special for her. I know I should’ve given it to you exactly on your day, but I couldn’t. I guess things were very complicated at that time.” He sighed again. “The one with a sapphire pendant is yours; the silver one, it’s Snow’s.”

“Thanks.” I said disconsolately.

“Could you give it to Snow for me, 'nak?”

“Yah, sure.”

He kissed my forehead. I wore my necklace and raced outside, grabbing my things along the way.

Father followed me. “You’re not gonna stay for a while more?” He asked in trepidation.

“No, Dad.”

“Ok, nak,” he tapped my shoulder. “Let me call Cloud.”

“Cloud?” I asked, perplexed.

“Cloud!” he hollered.

Cloud appeared carrying his valuables.

“He’s to stay with you in the condominium--in Snow’s place.” Father explained.

How will Snowflake react when she knows that her room is to be transformed in a masculine area? I would never have to find out.

I kissed Father’s cheek.

"Let's go?" Cloud asked impassively.

I just nodded.

Cloud and I rode in his car. It was almost one in the morning, and we were both exhausted. I know that was one of the reasons why our trip was silent, but I also know that we were both uncomfortable with each other.

I faced the window, like I always do. I know he was glancing at me, but was being hesitant to even try to say anything. I caught three of his glimpses at the side mirror of the car. If the incident did not change anything about how we felt for each other, then it’s going to be very hard to live with him.

We reached the condominium.

“Snowflake?” I called, slowly pushing her bedroom door. It was open a crack, and I thought that it would be fine to enter.

“Oh, Neesh." Snowflake walked up to me. "I already called Dad’s pilot and I”—she caught Cloud’s eyes—“what the heck is he doing here?” She poised in an exaggerated manner at the sight of our brother-to-be

Cloud just smiled.

"He's living here in your place, Snow." I explained.

“He’s what?” Snowflake said indignantly. “I am so outta here.” She went into her bedroom, and I followed her.

“I know how you’re feeling, Snow,” I said.

She whisked away her clothes into her bag and faced me with tears running down her face. She then unpredictably hugged me.

“This is so unfair,” she whispered. She clutched my shoulders.

I gently rubbed her back. “I know.”

Slowly pulling away, I threw her a cheerless smile. I reached in my pocket and showed her the necklace.

“Where did it come from?” She sniffed.

“From Mom.”

She took the necklace, smiled at me, and said nothing more. She left, not even minding Cloud’s “Take care.”

It was quiet when Snowflake was gone. The last noise I heard was Snowflake's banging the door. Cloud silently fixed his things as I stood still, trying to exchange stares with him.

"You must be tired." He finally said, wearing his backpack.

I faintly nodded, slowly finding the way to my room. When I finally had some privacy in my little, plush space, I took out a box of family pictures I hid under my bed. Jumping on the artificial comfort, I flashed the pictures out of the box. The older ones were settled in the bottom, so it took some time to come to the ones where Mother was still with us.

My favourite picture was our last trip at a bay in the Philippines. I held it up and collapsed on my back. The frame was full of boisterous tranquillity. Closing my eyes, I strived to remember the scene to make it real again. And it was not that hard. I have a way of remembering things pretty well, and after a moment, I could feel Mother’s supple arms wrapped around me; I could see Snowflake climbing on Father’s broad shoulders; I could smell the mighty waters; I could hear our chorus laughter—we were just an ordinary family who had loved each other more than anything else in the world.

I smile.

But my slightest movements melted the images away. I opened my eyes and I found myself once again in one of the deluxe bedrooms of this lush penthouse in Seattle. It just felt so wrong. I felt so miserable. I lay on my stomach. My face sunk in the pillows. Wearing the necklace while hugging the picture, I cried myself to sleep.
--------------------------------------------------------

Telling me that my work has potential totally made my day, Thank you. :))


Over all, brilliant! The pace has seemed to have sped up a bit more compared to the last piece. But, I'm still hooked :D
I've pointed out some stuff to try and do an "official" review by me - but its mainly grammar and puntuation. There is one word I'm unsure of for spelling..I could be wrong, but isnt wherever spelt where ever? Or am I wrong? Oh well.

Brilliant story and thanx for PMing me about the second pice, or I would have been waiting for ages, lol.

Keep up the good work!

Fantasy
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Jashael says...



Thank you so much, Fantasy! If you want, you can join the page. Here's the link: page.php?id=728
That way, you won't ever have to wait for ages. LOL
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Sins says...



Heya jash! :)

I'm finally here to review this for you! Considering there are two parts, what I'm going to do is review the first part in one post, then and another post for the second part. That way, it won't be as confusing for me, and it will be a lot easier when it comes to any nit-picks that I have.

It was a dull afternoon in late autumn when you could watch the remaining brown, yellow and orange leaves being blown away by the wind, leaving the tree branches bare. I strolled down the city streets with my twin sister, Snowflake, obliviously watching a brown, crippled leaf flutter across the path and against the footsteps of the bustling crowd.

Interesting name... :lol:

I could perfectly remember that a few years ago, though it must have been a similar dull afternoon in late autumn, on the other side of the world, rain had gently caressed my cheek and one of the red roses I had thrown before me--on that black velvet box that was being buried six feet underground, beside that block of cement where “Angelyn Leshathé” was engraved.

The grammar in this felt a bit... off to me. To begin with, almost the entire paragraph was one sentence. I'd maybe consider cutting some of them down to form a few sentences instead of one, long one. Also, I thought that similar sounded better suited than same here.

It crossed my mind that solely a decade had passed. I was standing perhaps right through here, heels over head, in a black raincoat, so big that the prickly rose I was holding was hidden under the sleeves.


It also crossed my mind that only ten years had gone by. Father, clothed, as ever simple as he was, with a shirt and a pair of slacks, was standing next to the little girl.

I've noticed that you're having some tense mishaps here, but I can see why you're doing it.

If twenty-four years had gone by too fast and were not enough for those who deeply loved her, what more could a hundred months offer?


"Yue." A hand rubbed my back. "It's time to go."


I was imagining what could lay beyond those facades. It must have been the sun; it had to be the sun. All those ten whole years, I had never seen the sun set at this side of the world.


I remembered well what it looked like on the other part of the Sphere: the sun's pinkish-orange rays would shine on everything. From red-laced pink clouds to purple puffed-up ones, the beams would paint the sky with the colours of the rainbow and would glisten on the crystalline waters, creeping down on our cheerful countenances.

Lovely imagery! :P

I loved that scene--natural beauty of creation devoid of any city’s insinuation; and I hated it when the vast illumination would slowly fade away and be replaced by its reflection on the moon.


“Psst…Snow!” I ejaculated. “Remember our little squabble?”

I'm such a child...

We drove by an endless cemented pavement edged with successive lampposts. Each turn we took; each intersection we crossed; each shop, or building, or house that we passed by; all were too familiar, and I kept asking myself: How could all these things remain the same after everything has changed?


It didn't surprise me that it wasn't locked. Father always left his door unlocked when he knew he would be having guests.


"Yes, wow," I echoed.


These were not those common beauties I had been forced to believe ‘’ordinary’’ within those ten years. Gumamelas and Sampaguitas, flowers I had not seen for far too long than what I thought I could not bear. I smiled as I scrutinized them, gently feeling the textures of the petals. My fingers slide down the stems and onto the vase--from prickly to smooth. I closed my eyes and smelled the flowers. The bouquet had love and sedulity painted in its arrangement. Whoever sent this must have really adored Mother.


“They’re from your grandpa,” Father said as he went out the kitchen, wiping off bits of flour from his face. “Grandpa Bob.”


“You can stay and rest in my bedroom. I know it’s been a hard day for you two,”—he looked at Snowflake—“especially you, Hon. There will be guests tonight for dinner, so go on. Take some rest. I’ll be in the kitchen.”


She pulled out a receptacle from her bag and began applying make-up on herself.

Where else would she put her make-up? ;)

I started to miss the way Mother’s sable hair draped over her shoulders, contrasting greatly with Snowflake and my white-blond hair.


Mother had never seemed to mind her ridiculous inquiries, and she would always give Snowflake a satisfying answer, “Of course, my dear, but I would never want that to happen.”


Mother’s face began to look startled and weary. I had felt as if I had asked a sillier question than Snowflake, that it only brought up silence.


“Of course,” she said as a tear fell off the bridge of her nose, “—of course, you would have to cry for awhile, if you really love and dear that person. But then, you have to be strong…” she said with a lower tone of voice, “…and soon let go off your despairs, but never the moments you’ve cherished with that person.”


I knew that there was something significant about her late night speech that a seven-year-old child could not easily comprehend.


What would hurt more? Your own death, or the death of a loved one?


That’s what other people thought, but I guess for us, there was nothing wrong to weep. Especially at the time you were missing that person the most.


“How the hell am I supposed to know, Yue?” she retorted, “maybe a special dinner commemoration for Mom?”

The beginning of this dialogue made Snowflake seem rather... aggressive, almost as though she snapped at Yue.

I just waited for Snowflake to finish what she was doing, then we lingered in the kitchen.


The kitchen had always been a humdrum place for me, and it was the least expected division of a house that you would find me in. Conversely, whenever, wherever, this room was the heart of a home for my dearest father.


Every heavenly delicious meal I had ever tasted in my life was conjured—fried, or baked, or simmered, or sautéed—by this handsome young man.


Our father, Darwin Leshathé, was a famous chef. If he was not signing fan-books for his popular novels, he was starring in a cook show that had reached international reputation.


Like him, I knew I ought to write, too; I showed potential as young as two. But, on the other hand, no matter how much my father wanted it to happen, Snowflake would never follow his steps on being a master cook.


They had fights over what Snowflake would be when she grew up, but it was of no use. She insisted to be a dancer--swift but graceful--just like Mother. So when Snowflake's defiance had gotten under Father's skin, he finally gave in and let Snowflake move into New York to study at Julliard University.


Father’s apartment was more luxurious than mine, of course; but I was quite overwhelmed with the plush surroundings Father had provided for me when we entered college.

Before this, I assumed your MC was in her teenage years, certainly not old enough to be living on her own. That's just the impression I got though. I would suggest that you somehow make her sound a little bit older though. For example, you don't often get grown women putting make-up on each other.

Permitting his lack of family time to be replaced by money, money itself turned my sister into a spoiled lady, who most of the time, if not always, got her way.


I had already told Father that there were certain things that he should have been doing himself. He should have stopped thinking that entertaining gadgets and the latest fashion could be alternatives to his obligation as a father—as our father.


His statement was stark incongruous, too inexplicable that I already ceased in convincing him. And why would he describe me as if I did not care about being a teenager at all? He just didn't know. He just didn't know…

Oh, is she a teenager then...? >.<

Hating visualized entertainment, I realized that there was pretty much nothing more to do but to pretend I was attentively observing Father cook when my mind was actually wandering in my own radical world where I was Jash Bagabaldo, a young teenage proxy of the FBI.


It was ridiculous—very ridiculous—I know.


A girl who had entered her teens five years ago would rather fantasize about being inducted in some surreptitious agency than to learn how to concoct a succulent dish, one she might actually find practical and useful in future matters? It was a lame plot for a story anyway.

I'm guessing she's around eighteen now...?

“—nothing, Dad—I—I was just—I just remembered something,” I stammered.


“You know,”--he took glances of me, but the slices were still perfect--“people would unexpectedly turn confused when I found them interrupting me while I was just figuring out the perfect plot for a novel.”

One little issue I have is that your MC's father seems too... perfect. A master chef and a great novel writer? Meh...

We should have talked more, but then again—his job!


“Are you writing something?” he inquired. "Is it romance? Adventure? Fantasy?"


With her occasional e-mails, chats and phone calls with Snowflake, I got updated with what was happening with her though.


“Yuenish!” she exclaimed with a more excited smile. She flung herself toward me. “I am so glad to see you again!”


She pointed at me and said, “you should go online more often!”


Ellaine Rhyth was our childhood friend from Snohomish. She was half Latina, half American. With her brown wide eyes and long black curls, mixed with her brains and being good-natured, there was always something to add in the list of why boys come running after her. Her cheekbone rising above her thick, rosy lips, she had a very charming appeal.

Tenses xD

“My auntie and I just moved here to Seattle,“—she glanced at Snowflake, then me, waiting for reactions—“I’m studying in Seattle University!”


“Don’t worry ‘bout your dad, Neesh! He’ll understand. You just turned eighteen! Enjoy your liberty for L-O-V-E!” Ellaine plopped on the couch with Snowflake again.

Yay! She's eighteen! I know for sure now. 8) I'm still finding her character a teeny bit childish, for some reason though... Maybe it's juts me?

“Ok, I am so jealous of you, guys,” Ellaine continued, “Both Chase and Cloud are cute.”

You use some weird names... :lol:

I had seen her before, but I could not remember when or where.


Now I remembered. She was a prominent journalist.


Cloud did not get to finish his words. Theresa swiftly passed by Cloud and I. I turned around to watch her. Father pulled Theresa gently into his arms and kissed her. A lot of deliberation started at their seemingly immature behaviour. I was scrutinizingly glancing about, trying to pull the pieces together, but nothing seemed to fit. Cloud gaped at the startling scene; Snowflake impassively stared at them; and Ellaine, well, Ellaine was just trying to get along with the crowd.

Wouldn't their father have mentioned the fact that he had a fiancé to them...? I get the impression that they might not speak much to their father, but still... It's something kind of important.

No one said a word. I stared at Cloud and soon enough, we were exchanging baffled looks.


"I don't wanna be part of any of the bullshit going on." She exited and slammed the door.

Pfft, I can handle it. ;)


Overall

Like Yurii said, considering your first language isn't English, this was really great! You have better vocabulary than me... :lol: I always get amazed when I read a writer's work who doesn't have English as their first language. Yours is certainly one of the good ones. You did have some grammatical hiccups, mainly overly long sentences, and you changed tenses an awful lot. I could see why you were doing that though. Just bare this in mind: Only use present tense phrases and words (My father is happy, my mother has dark hair, I don't like fruit) if it's in a thought, dialogue, or something like a letter. It's kind fo hard to explain, but once you understand it, you'll never make tense mistakes again, I promise you. You had some really nice descriptions in this, especially on your characters.

One of my critiques for this first part is actually the names of your characters. I don't know if it's just me, but I found some of them rather... strange? Unusual character names are fine, but you need to be careful that you don't use too much of them, otherwise, your story will end up edging on unrealistic. If we don't believe your characters, we can't really believe the rest of your story. That might just be me though. The other little issue I have with your characters is that I find a lot of them perfect. The father's a master chief, their friend is beautiful their father's glamorous fiancé is gorgeous, and so far, I can't notice any obvious faults in your MC's character. The only faults in your characters that I can see so far is the father spending time away from his daughters, and Snowflake being rather spoilt. Remember that it's not the great things about characters that make them interesting, but their flaws.

The only other thing I really have to say is that, at times, I found some parts a teeny bit confusing. I think this is mainly because it feels like I have a lot of information that I have to remember. You've introduced all of the characters straight away, and there are quite a few that seem important and that I have to remember. I'd suggest maybe slowing things down a bit with the information. Give us readers time to get to know your characters a bit more before you give us a load of details - facts - about their lives. Oh yeah, and the mother! We don't actually know how she died. It was obviously something medical, but we don't know what exactly. I'm assuming that it's cancer because, well, that's the most obvious suggestion. I don't know for sure though.

Negatives aside, this has some great potential! I'll get onto the review of the second part now!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Mon Oct 18, 2010 4:57 pm
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Sins says...



I is a perv. :D

I'm going to warn you in advance that I think this will only be a nit-pick review because I've basically given you my overall opinion in the first apart of my review... Unless I find something else to critique, this post might seem a bit empty... I hope you don't mind!

It allowed things to sink in to my mind, and I realized--yes, I was disappointed in Father.


Ellaine and I stayed on the balcony with Cloud. Soon, when about thirty guests had arrived to celebrate Father’s engagement—something I honestly thought would be about my mother, Ellaine eventually went home and left me and Cloud.


Never did I experience something as absurd as what I felt when Ellaine left. I mean--to be alone with a man you were greatly attracted to, then knowing that you were going to be--siblings. How would you feel in my place? What would you do?

It's clear how awkward she feels now, but I'd have loved to have seen her reaction after Snowflake left. Whta did she say to her father? O.o

“So, you’re gonna be my step-sis…” he said sarcastically.


I was such a sucker for hazel eyes.


“This is so wrong.” I glared at him, clenching my fists. I knew I was not good at acting, and I knew that he could tell that he was not the one I was mad at.


I watched his shadow fade while remembering why I liked him so much. He was cute, yeah—he was quite burly, too; but the real reason why he had my whole attention was because he was “Cloud Wheeler”—cheerful, friendly, caring, responsible, a joker, but could still be a bit serious. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have him as an older brother instead, after all.


I could tell him whatever I wanted, if only I knew exactly what I wanted to say, and how to say it; I [color=#FF0000]would[/color], if I only could.

“Anak* (Child), is there anything wrong?” he asked me. He must have noticed the way I turned my back on him.

Wouldn't he have figured out that not telling his children about him being engaged would have bothered them...? Especially after Snowflake stormed out?

“Now tell me what’s wrong,” Father gently said, pulling me in his arm and resting my head on his chest.


He turned pale, pretending to thoughtfully join me in my awe. “You were right," he said, looking at the stars. "Stars are pretty wherever you are in this world.”


“These are the necklaces your Mother wanted you to have for your eighteenth birthday. They were very special to her. I know I should’ve given it to you exactly on your day, but I couldn’t. I guess things were very complicated at that time.” He sighed again. “The one with a sapphire pendant is yours; the silver one, it’s Snow’s.”


“Thanks,” I said disconsolately.


Father followed me. “You’re not gonna stay for a while more?” he asked in trepidation.


Cloud appeared, carrying his valuables.


How would Snowflake react when she knew that her room was to be transformed into a masculine area?

Cloud and I rode in his car. It was almost one in the morning, and we were both exhausted. I knew that was only one of the reasons why our trip was silent, but I also knew that we were both uncomfortable with each other.

So far, I haven't gotten the impression that Cloud seems that bothered by it all... Try and show his emotions a bit clearer. :)

I faced the window, like I always did. I knew he was glancing at me, but was being hesitant to even try to say anything. I caught three of his glimpses at the side mirror of the car. If the incident did not change anything about how we felt for each other, then it was going to be very hard to live with him.


I had a way of remembering things pretty well, and after a moment, I could feel Mother’s supple arms wrapped around me; I could see Snowflake climbing on Father’s broad shoulders; I could smell the mighty waters; I could hear our chorus laughter—we were just an ordinary family who had loved each other more than anything else in the world.



Like I said before... I didn't think I'd have much else to say, and I don't. :lol: My critiques for this part are basically the same as the last part. There were small things I'd like to bring up about this part, but I mentioned them in the nit-picks. There's nothing major at all. Sorry for being a bit useless with this review... If you think about what I said in my other review, edit this part while baring in mind what I suggested and advised there.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  








I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.
— Walt Disney