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Nameless



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Mon Jan 23, 2006 2:13 pm
tinny says...



The moon had nearly gone. Only a tiny sliver of whitened silver hung delicately from the sky, drifting above the orange aura that seeped through the city. From the ground the moon was pink, not that many people ever gazed up at it. Though from its view of the world it could see all. Even the girl on the nameless street.

She was lost, given the wrong directions, taken the wrong turn, been caught up in the crowd. But she was there, there on that nameless street. It once had a name, but its sign had been ripped out from the concrete earth. Only a pair of vomit filled holes were any clue that this had once been somewhere. Someplace.

Jagged teeth of metal protruded from the derelict gardens, the jungle twisting and turning over the tarnished metal. The houses had teeth too, she noticed. Row upon row of shattered glass clinging to the frames, it’s innards scattered across the road. Fairy dust. Sand. It sparkled under the dull orange haze that billowed from the streetlights lining her dreary way. Some of them were dead. No more light in those broken beacons.

She did not want to be there. To have to tiptoe around the empty bottles, the cigarette butts. The needles. Each a temple, a prayer of loyalty to some unkindly God of their own. An escape from the sky. The nameless street was the church for their congregation. A place the police avoided.

In the near distance, she could hear the roars of men. Perhaps the same that had struggled down the street, leaving their trails of red, liquid gold. Once of them was still sprawled there, oozing. Lying flat with his face towards the moon, motionless. She found a stick and prodded him in the side. Nothing. The red gold still creeping forwards towards her toes.
Something brushed against her back. Bark. Dog. She turned around to see the critter when the wood hit her face for the first time. She stumbled backwards, glass digging into her hands, her back, her neck. The wood fell down upon her face again and again and again. It rained down upon her head, her neck, any other inch of space that it could find that was not bloody and crooked.

“Saw too much boy.” Murmured a voice. The dog was wining. The bat clattered onto the concrete floor. Footsteps. Vanished into the mist of the night.

Blood seeped out of the crack that shone deep in her skull. She trembled, she couldn’t move, she couldn’t think. All she could feel was the pain that was flowing black through her veins. She saw the moon, in it’s shrivelled tainted glory. Uttering something to the one that hung there, she lost here last breath and was still. Rubbish collected at her side.

She was found in the morning. Found by one of the worshippers that often came to the street. No witnesses. No one to talk to.

Once more, dusk fell upon the street, the beacons flickered into life and only a speck of the moon was left. It rolled down into the darkness as the moon shed its tear. The only one that saw that nameless girl on that nameless street.

((I'm sorry it's a huge chunk of text but the pre button thingami doesn't seem to be working for me.))
Last edited by tinny on Tue Jan 24, 2006 12:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Mon Jan 23, 2006 11:44 pm
Jiggity says...



Is this all there is??

Even that girl on that nameless street.


Even the girl on the nameless street.

By using 'that' your making out as if the reader knows the street and the girl; that is not the case. A description of the girl would be nice as well.

Lying flat with his face to the moon to the moon, motionless


to the moon, motionless.

she found a stick prodded him in the side


You do this quite often and i found it quite irritating;the lack of 'and', or 'was'. she found a stick and prodded him in the side. Or she found a stick; prodded him in the side.

Other than that, at times I like the curt, perfunctory manner in which you write; but othertimes it can be really annoying.
Like:
Bark. Dog


Just say there was a dog barking.
So yeah, that's my two cents.
Keep on writing.[/quote]
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Mon Dec 18, 2006 11:56 am
Myth says...



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*

Once of them was still sprawled there, oozing.


‘once’ = one

This was a little... weird. I liked the beginning when the moon was looking down at the girl on the nameless street. What I didn’t understand was why she was hit, what was it that she saw? Was it something to do with the ‘roaring men’ or religion as you mentioned she was found by ‘one of the worshippers’?
.: ₪ :.

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Tue Dec 19, 2006 11:55 am
rosethorn says...



Only a tiny sliver of whitened silver hung delicately from the sky, drifting above the orange aura that seeped through the city.


This isn't a correction really, but just something I thought I'd point out for the flow's sake. "Sliver" and "Silver" seem too similiar of spelling to mention in the same sentence. Could you change one of these words but still have the same sentence?

I like how the story starts from the moon's perspective. I found it maybe a pinch too long in description though.

Only a pair of vomit filled holes were any clue that this had once been somewhere.


This leaves me wondering what vomited into these two holes...Or what exactly is the "vomit" if it is not actually vomit. Very confused. :?

Jagged teeth of metal protruded from the derelict gardens, the jungle twisting and turning over the tarnished metal.


Very nice sentence. Lots of nice words that conjure nice images. (Well, not exactly nice. It's obviously not pretty.)

Each a temple, a prayer of loyalty to some unkindly God of their own.


Another gorgeous sentence. :D

The nameless street was the church for their congregation.


Intriguing...Makes me wonder who they are. The Nameless? :o

In
the near distance, she could hear the roars of men.


Very nice! Considering your character is a little girl, this is perfect! Actually, I'm just assuming she is "little" from what I've read so far. But "roars" still seems to be a very nice word choice.

Lying flat with his face towards the moon, motionless.


The referrence to the moon intentional? Very nice. :wink:

Bark. Dog.


This bit was amusing.

She turned around to see the critter when the wood hit her face for the first time.


I've never heard a dog be called a "critter". Doesn't seem to work.

“Saw too much boy.” Murmured a voice.


Boy?! I thought she was a girl! You have me both intrigued and confused! She can't be both! ....Can she? :shock:

All she could feel was the pain that was flowing black through her veins.


Pain=black is a nice parallel.

She saw the moon, in it’s shrivelled tainted glory.


Yet again! :wink:

Rubbish collected at her side.


What's rubbish? I've never heard it used like this. I'm not sure if it is generally thought of as something concrete.

Okay, for conclusion, I loved how you started with the moon and with purpose at that. You ended it with the moon at well. Which tells me there is something significant about the moon in this story and I sure hope there is.

It was very strange that her gender suddenly shifted. Left me perplexed and I seek answers to this. :shock:

Sorry if this seems long and nitpicky. Take it as a compliment, if you will. :) It was an engaging read.

As always,

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Thu Dec 21, 2006 9:08 pm
RoxanneR says...



Rosethorn, Jiggity and Myth seem to have summed it all up pretty well.

There is lots of great discription in this piece, and you can imagine the setting well.

RR*
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