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Young Writers Society


The Draft



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Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:11 pm
Wariofart says...



Out in the forest, there’s a small tree, just a few years old. All around it are tall oaks, as green as limes in the sun. But the small tree’s leaves are a cold crimson brown, devoid of the life all the others soak in. Down by the small tree, light is as precious as gold, hidden under mountains of shadows.

My Dad took me out to the forest, a father son type thing. He told me that tree would be lucky to last through spring. But seasons pass and the tree refuses to die. It clings to the life it can grasp, and waits for the day it will grow above the rest.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The world was changing. Either that, or I was changing. My friends were changing. The playful banter we carried with us through high school was being left behind. Violence was like firecrackers, erupting again and again in the night. Fighting for fighting’s sake suddenly made sense to everyone around me. It seemed like just because our country had started fighting a war, we had to start fighting at home too. We had to fight to stop fighting, both at home and away.

Keith seemed to be the only other person who hadn’t lost his mind. We would sit outside, discussing how stupid it all was. Together, we were two silent protesters, careful to say things only we could hear. We just prayed it would stop. I counted the days till August 20th, when I’d be forced to go if they picked my birth date for the draft.

Summer slipped by like water and that dreaded day came. My mother bought a huge birthday cake for me, with 18 fiery reminders that I could leave any day. Die any day. I tried to smile, to be the adult I officially was. But I felt more like a child then I had in years.

Every two weeks, a lottery drawing occurred. As the drawing neared, I would start to shake, my hands unable to keep still. They always showed it right after the nightly news. Right after the report from the warfront, with the pictures of dead soldiers, dead Americans. As if to say “Wanna end up like that? Here’s your lucky chance!” A man would walk out, with a huge container filled with every birth date. He’d pick one out of it, unfold it and reveal which date had been picked. All boys 18 and older were automatically eligible. If your date was called, you had to go. Your fate was sealed then, it was only a matter of time.

I watched each drawing, my eyes barely able to focus on the screen. Each time they showed a date that wasn’t mine I would thank the Lord in earnest. I’d never been religious, but not a day would go by that I wouldn’t pray. It was no wonder the Church was reporting a record number of members.

But after five months of this, my luck finally ran out. I had just gotten home from the auto shop I worked at. I knew nothing about cars, but my father was an Assistant Manager there, and by God his son was going to work there too. I didn’t mind. It paid decently and gave me something else to do than wait until the next draft number was announced.

I’d come home late, and ran to the television, fumbling with the dial. After a moment my fingers decided to work, and I sat down, trying to keep my hands from shaking. The announcer came on and pulled out a sheet of paper. My throat closed up as he unwrapped the sheet. The date flashed onto the screen. I stared at the number, wishing for anything other than August 20th. And it wasn’t. It was January 3rd, the day Keith was born.

I threw my fist against his front door, desperate for it to open. I hadn't even thought of putting on a jacket, and it was freezing outside. Finally the door opened and Keith was standing there, his face a ghostly white.

“Hi,” he said, standing frigid in the icy wind.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I didn’t know what to say, or how to say it.

“Did you…” I began slowly. “Did you see the… the date?”

He gave a forced chuckle that almost sounded like a whimper. “Yeah, I saw it.”

“I’m so sorry,” I said, staring at my friend. I wanted to break down and cry, but if Keith could hold it together, I had to too.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s no big deal.”

I was speechless. No big deal? How could he say that? After all the time we spent, loathing everything about the war. He was being sent off there, sent off to be slaughtered. And… he didn’t even care?

“Look, it’s really not that bad,” he said after I’d been silent for about a minute. “It still might be months until I actually get sent away. And, not everyone who goes there gets killed. Mark, it’s not like I’m going to die.”

But he did die. I saw his mother at the funeral, clouded in black. Her face was expressionless and frozen. Throughout the military service, I never saw her speak, never move. But by the end, her carefully applied makeup was blotched, smeared all over her face by her silent tears.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

By the time I was 20, watching the drawing became a regular part of my life. It had almost lost its tortuous fear. I drove home in my new mustang I had got at the automotive store and strolled in, just in time for the news. I sat down and watched the last bit of the weather. They had stopped showing the war due to all the protest, all the deaths. As if the government was just realizing how many Americans were dying.

The news finished and they switched to the draft. The same man who’d been doing it from the beginning came out. I wondered if he had a son of his own. If he had felt the same fear I had. He picked out a piece of paper and unraveled it. The date flashed up on the screen. I blinked, trying to focus on the number.

It was August 20th.

It’s amazing how strong your heart is. Through everything, it continues to beat, every second of every day. Even as my life stopped, it continued to thump. Even as my lungs stopped breathing, my brain stopped thinking. I could still hear the pounding screech of my heart. I tried to focus on the screen, but it was incoherent array of colors, all bled together. My lungs refused to breathe again and I could feel myself choking. Life and death seemed to blur right in front of me.

My conscious finally surfaced, and I gasped in air. My whole body was shaking terribly. I felt something blotchy on my cheek and touched it. It was tears. “This can’t be happening,” I thought. I got up and tried to get out of the prison I’d been trapped in. I needed real air, I needed to breath. But even getting out of the house seemed impossible now. I stumbled to the door and barely had enough energy to open it. “Am I having a heart attack?” I had never felt this weak before in my life.

I got to my car and fell into the driver’s seat. My head collapsed against the wheel and suddenly I was sobbing. I couldn’t do it. Not after everything. Not after Keith. I couldn’t become another coffin, another military funeral. I tried to calm myself down, but thoughts didn’t seem to form. All I knew was that I had to leave.

I backed up the car, pulling it out of the driveway into the endless night. I didn’t even think to leave a note to my parents. To say goodbye. I drove past my house, past the high school I’d spent four years in. I drove past the auto shop where I’d worked for two years. Memories flooded my mind like a broken dam, but I pushed them back. I went past the tree I’d visited as a kid, the tree that refused to die. I drove past my home town, where I had spent my whole life, my whole existence. Past everything I knew and loved. I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew I could never go back.
Last edited by Wariofart on Wed Sep 08, 2010 7:51 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"This is a song for a scribbled out name
That my love keeps writing again and again
And again"
  





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Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:17 pm
Sierra says...



Wow. Just WOW. This is absolutley completely amazing. I could feel all of the emotion, all of the pain. Wonderful. I have no nitpicks.





Your doing NaNo? Me too! This is my first year . . . and i don't know what to write!!!!! Ahhh!!
What a shame,
We used to be such fragile broken things.
  





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Tue Sep 07, 2010 8:19 am
Huff Puff says...



Woow! All I can say is..AMAZING!
You really captured it all so well, it made me feel I was right there but unable to comfort the character.
Keep it up! :D
"The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast." ~Oscar Wilde.
  





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Wed Sep 08, 2010 3:44 pm
Sins says...



Heyaaa Wariofart :)

I'm here to review as requested!

All boys 18 and older were automatically eligible.

Until now, I actually thought that your MC was a girl, which is kind of weird considering your a guy. Guys normally have a problem with writing in the POV of girls. Mind you, it might just be me being weird...

Each time they showed a date that wasn’t mine, I would thank the Lord in earnest.


But he did die.

This part seemed a bit sudden to me.

If he had felt the same fear I did.

Your MC just said that he didn't feel that much fear anymore. ;)

It’s amazing how strong your heart is. Through everything, it continues to beat, every second of every day. Even as my life stopped, it continued to thump. Even as my lungs stopped breathing, my brain stopped thinking. I could still hear the pounding screech of my heart. I tried to focus on the screen, but it was incoherent array of colors, all bled together. My lungs refused to breathe again and I could feel myself choking. Life and death seemed to blur right in front of me.

This paragraph kind of stood out for me. At the beginning, your tenses are incorrect. You also said that your life stopped and I got the impression that you meant it literally, then I thought you meant it metaphorically. Basically, I found this paragraph a bit confusing at times.

In the end, every single man would have been sent to war.
Not sure what war it actually is.

This ended a bit suddenly to me. What happened to your MC exactly? Where did he run away to? Also, I'm not actually sure what you mean in the last sentence. I mean, we know what war is, right? What's not to understand? Maybe I'm just being an idiot... :lol:


Overall

As a whole, I thought that this was pretty good. What I liked the best about it, I think, was actually the idea itself. I like how you came up with the lottery drawing thing that sent people to fight in the war. It was clever and original, so I didn't find the story boring and it was interesting to read. When it comes to your grammar, it was very good. I did find the odd error here and there, but there was nothing too serious at all. As for your characterization, it was quite good. The voice of the story was easy to understand and I did feel sympathy towards your MC, which is actually a hard thing to accomplish in a short story. I do think that he sounded a bit like a girl though, for some bizarre reason. I don't want to seem sexist, but 95% of the time, guys write better in guys POV's and girls write better in girls POV's. Maybe your just special! Or actually a woman... :D Your spelling was very good and I didn't find a single spelling error in this piece.

My main critique for this is probably the fact that it seemed a bit confusing and vague at times. For example, the war itself. I wasn't sure when this story is supposed to be set in. I'm assuming that it's modern times, but I can't be completely sure. At one point, I think you mentioned the war being in Afghanistan, but I'm not sure whether this war is supposed to be the one that's going on right now, or whether it's just a random war you've made up that doesn't exist in real life. I also would have liked for you to have explained Keith's death in a bit more detail. How did he die? Did he get shot? Blown up? If you'd given even a brief explanation of his death, us readers would have felt some more sympathy towards your MC. I was kind of confused with Keith and your MC's relationship as well. At first, I assumed that Keith was his brother, but then you revealed that he was his friend. The reason I thought that they were brothers was because after your MC finished watching the draw, I got the impression that he went into Keith's room, which was in your MC's house. After reading it over, I realised that your MC must have gone to Keith's house or something. What I'm basically trying to say that there are some parts in this that are sort of confusing and I'd like you to be a bit more vivid about things.

My only other critique is actually connected to what you said at the end of this. You wrote that every man would have to go to war eventually. That is certainly true. In fact, wouldn't every man have been sent to war by now? If you think about it, there aren't really enough days in the year for the dates never to run out. Considering you didn't explain how long the year was supposed to have been going on for, or what the date was supposed to be, I thought that the war had been going on for a long time. It was also because of the way you described it. It seemed as though the war had been fought all through your MC's life. I don't know if that's true, but if it is, I'm certain that every date would have been drawn in 18 years. Also, what if the same date got drawn more than once? Did they just pop it back in and pick up another one? Or did they remove the dates that had already been picked? If so, wouldn't they end up with, like, only a few dates by the end?

To be honest, after reading what I've said, I only have one thing to say to you really. What you need to do is simply clear a lot of things up. Considering this is a short story, it's not like these can be explained later on, which is why you need to make complete sure that you haven't left any gaps or questions for the reader. The ending is another example for this. Where did your MC go? Did he get caught? Did he die? What happened to the war? How long did it last? Is it supposed to still be going on? All that you need to do is to polish a few things up really. Take into account what us reviewers have said and maybe edit this up a bit. You could certainly end up with a great story here. I really do like the idea of it. ;)

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Thu Sep 09, 2010 1:44 pm
Wolferion says...



Cheers!

I noticed you made some changes, many of them were what Skins mentioned and I have to admit he saved me the trouble at nit-picks ( Seriously, it's my weak point at reviews ). Let's get to the story and style.

I pretty much liked the beginning and how it was mentioned once again to the end of the story, for me it was something to stop and think about, even for a few seconds. I liked all the descriptions about feelings, the emotional descriptions, I could imagine and slightly feel what you wrote and that's pretty good - easy to understand and well described. I was surprised to think of 'being sent to a war by a lottery draw', seemed unreal to me to be honest, but then again, a lot became real. Stating the unusual, this short story was more or less original, I didn't feel like I'm reading something with 'Tsh, another', which I think is really nice. You know the drill, cliche stories are boring to read since one knows ahead and doesn't expect anything. But, to be straightforward, I was confused by all the 'war' stuff. From reading your story it looks like the war lasted for unbelievably many years and that doesn't make much sense for our modern world. It's all explosions, bullets, damn fast - though it's just my thoughts. Another thought is that the war in your short story feels kind of weak. We know people died, it lasted for hell knows how many years, but it's all somehow at the side. We know the MC was afraid of it, a lot, but there were no devastating notes about the war. It's pretty much just 'War is going, Keith died', dot here. I know it's just a short story, but I think that giving us an insight on the devastating power of war would make it easier to understand his fear, his emotions. How can we really put ourselves in his shoes when we barely know what war is? (Most people know it just from movies, though it's not any fearsome, since it's mostly action packed where main heroes kick the crap out of the bad guys). I think giving us an insight on the war somehow would be nice before you get on with all the descriptions of MC's fear and so on. The ending was that 'uncertain', leaving behind a hella lot of possibilities of what would happen next, which isn't really bad.

All my thoughts aside, I think it was a nice written short story, I thank you for the good read. I've got certainly less to say than Skins, but I hope it'd be still of some help. Looking forward to see what you come up with next time =)

Wish you good luck at writing!
Kyou
~Don't beg for things, do it yourself or else you'll never get anything~
-Formerly Shinda
  








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