Young Writers Society

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This story is.....perfect. I can't find anything to review! Your descriptions are amazing and I felt like I was looking at a picture. I think this story needs to be the romance section, though. This is talking about what she liked about this boy so she probably has a crush or something, correct? The way you wrote it made me feel like I was the one who liked him! haha I'll be looking for more of your stuff!!

- gabbs

Thanks Gabbs! It's here in Other, though, because it's half non-fiction and way, way more poetic than my usual fare. But, thanks again!

Hey Rachael Glad to see something of yours up!

RachaelElg wrote:She liked the way the T-shirt hung from his shoulders. It was blue like water, and like water it rippled down, first off his shoulder blades, and then to the hem, in lazy folds. When he shifted, the folds shifted in a kaleidoscope of shadows. He looked over his shoulder and it dove in toward his spine; he looked back in front of him and that series of ripples it refit itself, a sheet of blue silk blowing in the wind.

I really like the imagery of this first paragraph, but towards the end, the repetitive words started to get to me. I know you were trying to drive home certain aspects, but I found myself getting caught up with every word that was repeated. If this was prose, or poetry, the repetitiveness would be acceptable as a technique (or something, I don't really know poems). As it is now, I feel as if you're trying to hammer the idea of a blue, rippling shirt that hung from the boy's shoulders, but... It reads as too much. Could you somehow expand, or use a few synonyms?

His jeans. Those she liked too.

I think, "She liked those too" sounds a bit better.

The way they moved over and moved around his body. Stiff, not like water, more like denim, but still blue, stained, splotched with paint, frayed at the bottoms where the heels of his shoes met the edge. They bent when he kneeled, marking the spot where he began and the world stopped. When he stood and when he slipped his hands into the front pockets, lackadaisical and at ease, the motion moved his shirt again.

Reading this paragraph makes me think that the narrator can see time in slow motion. Which isn't a bad thing, just really interesting.

Waves of blue. Lapping ocean tides. Shadows and lines rocking back and forth like a porch swing every time he shrugged or yawned, and she had to imagine the skin beneath, stretching and shifting, and the muscles beneath, stretching and shifting and relaxing, and beneath the muscles, the bone. Then his soul, somewhere deeper, rolling along like grasses bent in a meadow breeze that caught the kite of his smile along the way.

Absolutely loved this paragraph. Fantastically written, and "the kite of his smile" - just wow. There's poetry right there

That kite, loose to the sky, drifted in his eyes, also blue, And and, loose to the gods, it would dance there as he laughed.The laughter would stir the shirt to slip and slide again, because the laughter shook his shoulders and the rest of him, down to his tattered sneakers.

I find myself wanting to know the minute details of his face as well. Did he have laughter lines around his mouth and eyes? Did his hair fall about his face? I want to know about the size of his hands, and if they were used to do good things, nice things. You've put me in a really weird mood. I don't read many stories that I lose myself in the way your story has done. I feel as if I should see things the way this girl does. And I *really* want to know more about the boy. The world you've depicted seems to be like the kind only achieved in a dream.

The vibrations went out into the world around him, touching every blade of grass, every lady bug, every beam, every railroad track with music. And she liked that too.

Loved the ending, couldn't help but wish it was longer. I don't quite get "every beam" though, it seemed so random and out of place. Grass --> Lady Bug --> Beam --> Railroad Track. Weird path. Perhaps if you worked your way from something small to something large (which is what you've done, but the beam threw it off for me), or the opposite way around.

Well, that's my opinion. I want to read more about this boy/man who has captured the eyes of this girl. He must be special, and I want to know why Damn you! Awesome writing skills, Rach, you're a natural storyteller. Oh, one last thing, I think this could be categorized as prose, if you wanted. As a short story it's haunting

Sorry I wasn't much help - in terms of grammar and the standard writing gripes, you're clearly above par

- Jai

Thanks oodles, Jai! I went through and edited with your suggestions, and methinks it's much better now.

Does it really work as a short story? I guess I keep imagining it too much as non fiction or memoir or prose poetry or something Otherish.

Thanks again

The vibrations went out into the world around him, touching every ladybug, every tree leaf, every railroad track, every ray of sunlight with music.

*squee* Beautiful.

Does it really work as a short story? I guess I keep imagining it too much as non fiction or memoir or prose poetry or something Otherish.

It does read like non-fiction, like a diary entry, but it's great because of it. I'm not sure if it classifies as a short story, as a short story is supposed to have some sort of conflict and a resolution (or lack-thereof), whereas your piece seems to be a reflection, or even better, a descriptive piece for a music video/movie in general. I could imagine this as a scene, lots of CGI and awesome special effects *shivers with delight*

In terms of it being prose poetry, why yes, I think this could definitely fit. But I don't know if you yourself want to label this as poetry by sticking it in the Poetry Section, but then again, you'd get more people commenting on it in regards to it being really nice purple prose

I really enjoyed this. I want to read more about this world you've revealed, but I don't know if you'd be able to pull off the uniqueness, or if the impact would be as great if there was more than this small snippet.

-Jai

Woah! This should not be in other!! IN should be where it belong-IN short stories!! ITS FAB-U-LOUS!
Good work..
Kakagilr X X

It is insanely good. That's the only way to put it.

Heya Rachel, here to review as requested!!

Let me start by saying that this piece was wonderful, in the sense that the imagery was so clear to understand. It's quite hard to compare this to other things as it's not really a certain genre of writing, which is why of course you put it in 'other'. I don't have any grammar nitpicks, seeminglymeanignless seemed to cover most of that.

Nitpicks:

The way that they moved over and moved around his body.

That kite, loose to the sky, drifted in his eyes,You don't need a comma here also blue, and, loose to the gods,

Your similes are just outstanding. I could really see some of them being incorporated into a poem. I wouldn't really call this a story myself as your just describing someone and for a story you need a bigger plot. I do think however that if you were going to put this into a story it could work. For example a scene where the girl is with him, they're not talking but all of these words are in her mind.

I think that some of your sentences are far too long with too many commas and you need to break it down into two sentences. Whether it's a short story or not, sentences aren't that long. Don't overload this with too many semi-colons of course. I think that you could also vary your punctuation a bit more.

Sorry I haven't been much help, but there isn't much that needs to be improved to it. Keep Writing!

~Tamara

Thanks Tamara!

Hey Rachel,

Your story gave me chills, really, it did. I love the way you move from the physical to the spiritual, the way you tie it in with the surroundings is almost effortless. My only critique was mentioned earlier, but I do think you should watch the repetitiveness in the wording. In a way I think it almost works. It's very poetic and I think it aids the feel/vibe of this piece, so long as it doesn't get out of control. Let me say this: your ending is superb. Really, I couldn't think of a better way to end the piece. What I've quoted of your work below this = pure joy. The last lines are so vivid and colorful, without being overstuffed! Well done. I agree you should expand this piece into a short story, or maybe a companion piece saying what he likes about her? I'm just saying, I definitely want more .

RachaelElg wrote: Then his soul, somewhere deeper, rolling along like grasses bent in a meadow breeze that caught the kite of his smile along the way.

That kite, loose to the sky, drifted in his eyes, also blue, and, loose to the gods, it would dance there as he laughed. The laughter would stir the shirt to slip and slide again, because the laughter shook his shoulders and the rest of him, down to his tattered sneakers. The vibrations went out into the world around him, touching every ladybug, every tree leaf, every railroad track, every ray of sunlight with music.

And she liked that too.

Thanks Jen! I'll work on the repetition... it's an old habit.

Hey,
Thank you so much for requesting a review. It seems as though you have had alot of good information through some of your reviews, so I won't become redundant. This was well written; I just didn't like the repition of it all, but I think that might just be me. I'm sorry this is so short, my reviews are normally longer, but I don't see much that needs to be fixed or that hasn't already been said.


Have an awesome day,
Tiffany

Hey, Rachael! Thought I should return the favor and critique this.

You're an experienced writer so I won't dwell on nitpicks. There's no SPaG errors that I can find and, stylistically, the piece is solid. I just find it hard to love this piece because I'm not sure at all what it is. The repetition of certain images here--the color blue, motion, water--make me think this might be a prose poem, but I'm not entirely confident in that assumption. This piece truly is "other." With novels, short stories, and poems, we can decide as readers if they are successful or not because there is a group of goals that each of those types have. Poetry should give us vivid imagery and flashes of deep emotion, fiction should craft compelling plots and invest us emotionally in the characters. But since this doesn't fall under any strict category, it's hard to decide if it's a true success or not. I'm confusing myself now.

The vibrations went out into the world around him, touching every ladybug, every tree leaf, every railroad track, every ray of sunlight with music.

This is the only line I actively dislike. Feels like a flimsy way to connect a collection of pretty but discordant images. A bit too faux poetic for me.

So in the end I like the words, the images, the emotion, all individually, but overall I don't think it unites into a piece that can be given a precise critique, because it's so... other! I wish I could be more helpful. Good job on how the repeating images all tie into the same theme, and the "kite of his smile" was beautiful.

I suggest checking out "Girl" by Jamaica Kincaid. It's a unique, lovely piece. It's included in a short story anthology I have, but it's also considered by some critics to be a prose poem. Reading it could show you a perfect example of writing that defies classification but also has enough meat on its bones to leave an impact on the reader as a true short story would.

PM me if you have any questions! I'd like to read more of your work.

Well, that makes two of us, Blackbird. I'm confused about this piece myself. Really confused. I've never written anything like it before, and probably will never write anything like it again. To be honest, it was really just a personal observation (that I liked the way this guy's T-shirt hung off his shoulders) that I turned into a nice thick steak of purple prose.

Unfortunately, there's no "Nice Thick Steaks of Purple Prose" category here on YWS, or anywhere else in the world. Probably a good thing.