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[Empyrosis] Chapter Two



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Wed Jul 28, 2010 2:19 pm
iceprincess says...



After we made sure I wasn’t wet --- or in Quentin’s words --- wasn’t melting anymore, we went downstairs for breakfast. “Good morning, Father, Tamara,” we chorused and gave them each a peck on the cheek as we gazed at the dining table in awe.

Scones upon scones were piled upon slightly scorched toast; boiled eggs were put in painted little cups; fried bacon and scrambled eggs laid on plates of white porcelain trimmed with gold leaf on the edges; bread rolls laid beside jars of marmalade and strawberry jam on glazed glass dishes; cereal were put inside big bowls; and boiled milk and cappuccino and tea were giving out steam in delicate majolica pitchers.

We plopped into our seats, and started to eat our piping-hot breakfast. Father looked closely at me and asked, “Are you alright?” I settled the butterflies in my stomach, gulped down my scrambled eggs and said glibly, “I’m fine, Father, just fine.” Tamara raised her dainty eyebrows but said nothing.

I met Quentin’s eyes over the table, and I knew he was thinking the same thing: There wasn’t that much food at St. Andrews.

“Father, wasn’t the Quaestor cutting food rations by half?” I commented shrewdly. Quentin gave me a warning glance. Don’t get him mad, he silently pleaded me.

Without looking up from his Invidian Informer, Father briskly replied, “Yes.”

I continued, “Then why is there so much food on the table?” Quentin desperately shook his head at me. Stop it, Pelly, stop goading him into losing his temper!

He unhurriedly stared up at me, his eyes narrowed. “I work hard for it, Pelly.”

“But where did you get so much food?” I pressed, leaning forward. Quentin’s wings had started to droop in despair, his head buried in his hands, blue hair covering his eyes. Tamara looked alarmed, and had put down her knife and fork. Tense silence hung in the air between us. No-one was touching a single scrap of food on the wooden table at that moment.

He did not reply, and merely stared deep into my eyes, his stony black ones reflecting my own.

That bastard! I stood up and put my hands on my hips. “Did you cheat the villagers out of their food rations again?”
Father snapped, “Sit down, Pelagia! How I obtain food is none of your business!”

“Yes, Father.” I reluctantly sat down, still glowering at him. But it is my business when you are exploiting the commoners, I silently added in my head. Quentin visibly relaxed, thankful that I didn’t continue the fight.

We continued to eat in silence until Father looked up from his Invidian Informer and asked, “Pelly, Quincy, what do you want for your enlikismos?”

I had heard the term enlikismos loads of times, but I had no idea what it meant. I was about to ask Father, but Quentin beat me to it. “What does enlikismos mean?”

Both my father and Tamara were surprised. Father put down the newspaper and leaned forwards. “You two really don’t know?”

We shook our heads.

“What on Earth does that Professor Fungusson teach you at that wretched school?! He doesn’t even teach you the customs of our country!” He exploded.

Both I and Quentin gulped. “It’s actually Professor Ferguson, Father.” Quentin timidly pointed out.

Father immediately lashed out at him. “His name does not matter! And don’t talk back to me, Quentin!” He shook his head. “The Quaestor had said that he exerted bad influence over youngsters but I never knew it was this bad! I bet it was him who taught you two those bad manners!”

I kept silent, hurriedly chewing on the greasy bacon. Quentin drank his milk, leaving a milk moustache on his mouth after. I couldn’t help but giggle at his expression, and he anxiously looked at our irate father, observing his reaction.
I watched as Father’s face slowly contorted into a scowl. “Stop laughing, Pelagia!” I immediately stopped giggling, and started giving my boiled egg dirty looks.

He warily shook his head. “The Quaestor was right --- I should have never sent you two to that boarding school. Look at you now!” he gestured at the two of us, “None of you is even remotely mature... And you, Quentin, were supposed to guide her, but you are just as childish as her.” We looked at our shoes guiltily, shifting our shoes.

He stood up and poured himself another cup of cappuccino. “I shall have no choice but to postpone your birthday celebrations and hurry you through your enlikismos. There is no other way.

“Tamara, see Doctor Schmidt and tell him we’re moving the surgeries to the ninth.” Tamara nodded and left for the telescreen room, leaving us alone in the dining room.

Surgeries?! What surgeries? I panicked, but I didn’t dare to ask Father. He was already in a very mad mood, and I didn’t want to irritate him even further.

Quentin glanced at me worriedly, and I knew he was thinking the same thing.

Father drank the last few drops of his coffee, and then asked us, “So what do you want for your enlikismos?” He paused. “Or birthday, seeing that you two don’t even know what an enlikismos is.”

I gulped down my scone and replied, “I don’t know…” Father looked pointedly at Quincy, but he only shrugged and continued munching on his toast.

“Can I go out with Quincy later to see what catches my fancy?” I asked slyly, crossing my fingers underneath the wooden table. I had missed walking along the streets of Invidia, stopping here and there to peep inside the tiny, cramped shops.

He agreed, waving his hand to dismiss us. “Just come back home before sunset --- the Quaestor has been kind enough to invite us to his winter villa for dinner.” He reminded us. “Really?!” I exclaimed, shocked. “But doesn’t he live in Ignotus?“ Ignotus was the capital of Kolasipublica, and was a few provinces away.

“Yes, but his winter villa is in Poulooei --- a mere ten miles away from us.” Quentin replied, to my surprise.

Father fixed his crooked tie, and then looked us straight in the eye. “Promise me you two won’t get into trouble again.” “Of course we won’t, Father," I said cheerily and dragged an unwilling Quentin up to our bedroom to change into something cozier.


******





“Well, Invidia is starting off the week with some fog, but it will disappear by late afternoon, followed by some gentle snowing. It will get as cold as twenty four degrees Fahrenheit, so remember to wear more clothes, comrades! On the other hand, Pace is…” Quentin tuned out the telescreen and grimaced at me. “I really, really hate cold weather!” He complained as we bundled up in fur coats and fur caps to ward off the bitter cold. “It makes my feathers feel like they’re being dipped in icy water or worse.” he sniffed.

I glanced at him sympathetically. “You can cover your feathers with those wing warmers that Tamara uses, you know.” I suggested as we lumbered down the polished wooden stairs. He pretended to vomit, and then replied, “Those things disgust me! They look like gigantic plastic bags.” He shuddered. “I can’t even imagine what I would look like if I wore that rubbish!”

I giggle, and looked out of the windows in the living room. Ice crystals had frosted the glass, and I rubbed a small spot on the window until I could see through it. To my delight, the weather forecaster was right --- it was already snowing again. The snow drifted and gently coated the whole birch tree in the square and the tops of annoyed people’s fur hats. Why do they look annoyed? I thought curiously. It’s finally snowing, you guys! And Quaerieve is just a month away!

The pure white snow coating the streets were already turning yellow from people and carriages treading and stamping on it. No-one seemed to notice the beautiful snow at all, except for the people peeved about the snow ruining their perfectly groomed fur coats. I sighed. Why did Mama have to go? I found myself wistfully thinking. We could have gone out and built a snowman on such a beautiful day like this. Then Mama would make us some hot cocoa, like how she does when we ---

“Can you please hurry up, Pelly?” Quentin crossed his arms and tapped his boot against the mahogany floor, interrupting my thoughts. I heaved a weary sigh, suddenly not eager to roam around Invidia, and pulled on my thick leather boots.

He sat down beside me, unconsciously flipping his electric blue fringe. “Are you still thinking about your…nightmare?” He stuttered hesitantly. I shook my head. “I was thinking about Mama. That everything…would be perfect if she hadn’t left.” He let out a forced laugh. “Nah, I don’t think so, Pelly.” He said half-heartedly.

He stood up and pulled me to my feet. I looked down at the floor, and tugged at loose stands on my coat. The shiny leather on my boots reflected my forlorn face, mouth slowly forming into a pout.

I could hear Quentin letting out a sigh as he clapped me on my back. “S’ might be better for Mama to leave, with Father being so blatantly unfaithful and all,” he said darkly. I looked up right into his eyes, and said pensively, “But she could have left a note or something, to explain.”

“Do you really think so, Pelly?” He crossed his arms. “Father made Mama’s life a living hell.” He swept his arm across the grandiose room. The candles on the chandelier flickered and wavered. “If she stayed here in this room, this place for a bit longer --- she might have gone mad.”

I contemplated his words, thinking of all the times Mama saw Father bringing a woman back home; of how Mama looked so desolate when Father went out after a rough day dealing with the officers and holding meetings with the Quaestor; of how Mama cried when she found another woman’s underwear while washing the laundry with Tamara. “You’re right, Quincy. Mama would be happier without that pest around.”

Quentin smirked, and patted his chest. “I’m always right, you know --- I’m your eudaemon, your big brother Quentin!” I slightly smiled, and he grinned. He seemed to read my thoughts and became serious again. “Don’t be sad about Mama, Pelly. She’s better off without him.” He slung his arm over my slumped shoulders and steered me towards the door. “What Mama would have liked is for us to have fun, so let’s go and do whatever you want to do before dressing up like penguins and entertain our great Quaestor!” He concluded.

We both laughed at the thought of us wearing our evening clothes and pretending to be a pair of well-behaved twins for a night, while slinging our messenger bags over our shoulders. “It has been --- what? --- three years since we last saw the Quaestor,” I mentioned as I grabbed the keys. Quentin turned the brass doorknob and opened the door, gesturing for me to walk out. “It sure has been a long time,” he mused. I mock curtseyed, and he slightly bowed, his brown eyes twinkling as I pranced out, my long caramel locks bouncing up and down.

The fresh cold wind blasted in my face. My pensive mood dissolved the second we were out of the mansion and onto the icy streets where our family carriage was waiting. I tried to dismiss our chauffeur Knightley, saying that we preferred to walk instead. He groaned and ran a hand over his face. “The Aedile said to take the carriage, and that I should force you into it if you ever resisted,” he sighed. “He doesn’t want you two to get in trouble again.”

Quentin raised an eyebrow and coughed, his wings twitching.

Knightley immediately corrected himself. “Well, just you, miss. He said that Master Quentin could take care of himself, unlike you.” I rolled my eyes. “I can take care of myself too, thank you very much,” I huffed.

He winced. “You know it isn’t becoming for a young, educated woman like yourself to run around the city, as if you were no better than those demimondaines living in those slums,” He pointed over at the dark gray standardised apartment blocks and shook his balding head. “It just isn’t right, Pelagia.”

I pleaded, “Please, Master Knightley? I don’t want to stay cooped up in a dark and dusty cabin when I could be walking around and seeing the world myself!”

Knightley climbed on top of the carriage and took hold of the reins. “Very well then, Miss Pelagia; I shall look forward to when your pretty little head finally understands what is proper and what is not.” He tipped his hat and the four chestnut mares neighed in farewell, trotting off around the corner.
Last edited by iceprincess on Fri Jul 30, 2010 2:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.
you'll never find another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
ocean lapping voice, smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
and you're all alone again tonight; not again, not again, not again.
and don't it feel alright, and don't it feel so nice? lovely.


  





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Wed Jul 28, 2010 5:55 pm
firefly882 says...



Hey there, Firefly again!

Alright, instead of giving comments in the beginning I'll give them at the end. Reason being that I find it much easier to review as I read! And you can't give comments on something you didn't read, right? ;)

So, without further ado, let's get to your review!

(Blue words) represent my personal comments
Green words are corrections to spelling/punctuation/etc
Red words that are struck out should be removed entirely

After we made sure I wasn’t wet --- or in Quentin’s words --- wasn’t melting anymore, we went downstairs for breakfast. “Good morning, Father, Tamara,” we chorused and gave them each a peck on the cheek. We plopped into our seats and started to eat our piping-hot breakfast (Maybe you could give a short description on what their eating? Like, "She sat down and began to devour the steaming eggs and sizzling bacon that covered her plate." Not the best example, but the only one I could think of on the fly. It gives the reader a clear image of what she's eating, and it eliminates repeating the word "breakfast"). Father looked closely at me and asked, “Are you alright?” I settled the butterflies in my stomach, gulped down my scrambled eggs and said glibly, “I’m fine, Father, just fine.” Tamara raised her dainty eyebrows but said nothing. If you only knew, Tamara, if you only knew, I thought to myself.


So, what got me with the first paragraph was the fact that her father was back. But then I went back to read the first chapter and literally did a face-palm. Of course it's morning. Silly me, haha!

We continued to eat in silence until when Father looked up from his Daily Invidian News (Just a personal preference, but I think you should find a more creative title for the newspaper. Maybe the Invidian Inquirer? Something snappy and catchy. But, like I said, it's just a personal opinion) and asked, “Pelly, Quincy, what do you want for your enlikismos?”


Father put down the newspaper and leaned (Spell check is your best friend--be sure to have it on when proofreading!) forwards.


you’ll receive your responsibilities as a young adult, which means that you will be officially an adult and (You already mention that they will be adults, so this bit isn't necessary) ready to make your own decisions.


However, because you have a eudaemon --- Quincy here,” he patted Quentin’s shoulder, “and he guides you through all your choices, you won’t make any mistakes and you won’t sin, thus you don’t need to die and can live forever.


Eww, perfect characters. "Won't make any mistakes...will never sin...can't die, live forever!" These words basically describe the perfect character, and a perfect character is unhealthy for any story! In order for your readers to feel a connection to Pelly and Quincy, you need to give them flaws. Make us hate/love/envy/adore them for doing something! In order to achieve this, your characters have to make mistakes. They need to sin (everyone does it, anyway, whether intentional or not; I'm guilty of being a sloth right now because I've been sitting on the couch with my laptop and neglecting the housework for hours. Do I mean to be lazy? No! But I'm still doing it). I can't feel anything for your characters if they're perfect! Just my thoughts on the matter, though. Trying to keep it real. ;)

It won’t hurt a little bit, (Did you mean, "It will only hurt a little bit" or "It won't even hurt a bit"? Can you see the difference between the two?)[/color]


Quentin and I both stood up at the same time, and declared hotly, “I won’t let you hurt Pelly/Quincy!”


I'd suggest splitting up their exclamation, like so:

Quentin and I blah blah blah, and declared hotly, "I won't let you hurt Pelly!" "I won't let you hurt Quincy!"

You tell the reader that they stand up at the same time, so they assume what you want them to: that they shout at the same time. Only, the backslash looks strange and makes the reader think, 'Are they saying both of their names, or just one?'

The initially (Unnecessary) pure white snow coating the streets was already turning yellow


young, educated woman like yourself to run around the city


Alright! I didn't really have much to nitpick here, besides grammar (which you can catch for yourself by using Word) and spelling mistakes, etc. My overall impression? It's good. Your descriptions are a little lacking for my taste, but then again I'm a big elaboration-maniac. Your characters are strong, but they can't stand on their own. What I mean by that is, if one were to get separated from the other I'd feel that they would be only half a character. Yes, I know that Quincy is Pelly's guardian angel/basically her other half, but they should still be able to stand alone as individual characters. Have their own thoughts, feelings, personality quirks, etc. I still can't bring myself to feel any emotion towards them. This article should help you get started in that department.

By delving deeper into your characters' thoughts/feelings/blah blah blah, and adding more description into your story, I know this can be great. Keep writing, Rosie! I'll definitely keep reading. :D
~Firefly
"Have I ever told you the story about how our kingdom was nearly torn apart by greed and betrayal? No? Well then gather 'round, my children, and let Ol' Nan tell you about the Legends of Arenthul." ~Naneria
  





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Wed Jul 28, 2010 7:27 pm
StellaThomas says...



Iiiiiit's Stella!

I. NITPICKS

“Are you alright?” I settled the butterflies in my stomach, gulped down my scrambled eggs and said glibly, “I’m fine, Father, just fine.” Tamara raised her dainty eyebrows but said nothing. If you only knew, Tamara, if you only knew, I thought to myself.


Again, always a new line whenever someone new starts speaking.

When the both of you turn sixteen a fortnight later,


When both of you? The two of you? In a fortnight? A fortnight from now?

“Your looks will only age little by little.” Father explained.


Confused about dialogue punctuation? Here!

Me and Quentin both stood up at the same time, and declared hotly, “I won’t let you hurt Pelly/Quincy!”


I don't like this structure with the slash.

Okay...

II. CHARACTERS

Pelagia and Quentin seem okay, but mainly, I'd like to see more work on their father and Tamara. They seem like tools right now, and it annoys me. Quentin, too, could use a little beefing up, at times he seems her shadow which is what I thought was what he was, but then he also seems, y'know, angelic. Try to decide to just what degree he is either, and show us that.

III. OVERALL

Not too bad at all- you do use a lot of words we don't know the meanings of though, be careful not to get too confusing- and I had no idea what sort of time you're talking about, it seemed both modern and old-fashioned at the same time. Which is cool, I guess, but it needs determining.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Wed Jul 28, 2010 9:57 pm
VivielTwixt says...



Gosh, you're fast. Nice work overall.

Writing Style
You've kept consistent with your style. That's good. You've also added more descriptions (loved how you described Pelly's hair). You also gave more info in this chapter (you explained what a eudaemon is). You did all that, yet I still want more. More descriptions to make sure I'm seeing the world the way you intended and more explanations to make sure I understand what's happening. Here are the things I'm not understanding:

If the Mother left because the father's cheating on her, wouldn't the kids be angry about it?
Why is Pelly afraid of having powers? Because she's a main character, we should know what she knows. The reader should know why she's afraid.
Is Pelly a princess? It seems that she is, but it would be clearer if it was stated outright.

Don't be afraid to tell sometimes. I think of it like this: if the main character knows, then the reader should know.


Characters
The relationship between Pelly and Quentin is becoming clearer. He's like the big brother-guardian who tries to watch over her and be mature, though he's still a kid himself, right? I dislike the father and Tamara now that I know how he drove the Mother out. I think Pelly and Quentin would be mad about their father's cheating.


Plot
The story is still moving on and there's mysteries to keep the readers hooked.

Other Comments
Now that I told you everything I think needs fixing. I'm going to tell you what I liked about your story. I liked the hooks of Pelly's prophetic nightmare and of the possibilities of her powers being stronger than she imagined. I liked the relationship she had with her eudaemon. I liked the fantastical world she lives in. I liked the childish innocence of Pelly and Quentin.


Good job, overall. Try to keep the suggestions from this comment and the my other one in mind while writing your next chapter. I'll be waiting for it. Just ask if you need any help. :wink:
If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world, there's nothing to it
-Wonka
  





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Thu Jul 29, 2010 12:14 pm
Firestarter says...



Hey iceprincess,

We continued to eat in silence until when Father looked up from his Daily Invidian News and asked, “Pelly, Quincy, what do you want for your enlikismos?”

I had heard the term enlikismos loads of times at school, but I had no idea what it meant. I was about to ask Father, but Quentin beat me to it. “What does enlikismos mean?”


This struck me as sort of Harry Potter-ish in it's revealing of a concept. However, that only worked in that series because Harry was a muggle, an outsider to the magic world, and didn't grow up knowing anything. Here I don't really understand why Pelly wouldn't know about enlikismos.

“One thing, though --- you’re still half-human, Quincy. You may have wings, you may manipulate fire --- but you’re still mortal.” Quentin froze, not even moving a feather on his glowing wings. He slightly turned away his head, and mouthed, “But what does it have anything to do with me?”


Awkward talking by Quentin there. Better as: "What's this got to do with me?"

I also don't really understand why Quentin would make mistakes -- surely he's a guardian angel, and he's supposed to help Pelly make better choices? And yet he barely seems to know anything. How is he in a position to help? He seems pretty immature, too. I guess it's your portrayal of guardian angels as growing up alongside their ward, but it just seems unworkable, how is that really feasible? How would the guardian angel ever know how to make a better decision than the person they're with?

My father looked up from his newspaper --- when did he started reading it again? I wondered, startled --- and rolled his eyes at us.


Should be "when did he start reading again?"

He agreed, waving his hand to dismiss us. “Just come back home before sunset --- the Quaestor has been kind enough to invite us to his winter villa for dinner.” He reminded us.

“Really?!” I exclaimed, shocked. “But doesn’t he live in Ignotus?“ Ignotus was the capital of Kolasipublica, and was a few provinces away.

“Yes, but his winter villa is in Poulooei --- a mere ten miles away from us.” Quentin replied, to my surprise.

Tamara fixed Father’s crooked tie, and then looked us straight in the eye. “Promise us you two won’t get into trouble again.”

“Of course we won’t, Tamara,” I said cheerily and dragged an unwilling Quentin up to our bedroom to change into something cozier.


Remember to start a new paragraph when a different person is speaking, otherwise it becomes confusing for the reader. I've sorted it out for you above. I've also noticed you use a lot of verbs instead of said. Declared, asked, replied, wondered, etc. And when you do use said, it's always stuck to an adverb. It's a massive distraction to have other words apart from said most of the time. Said is transparent; the reader doesn't notice it, and focuses on what is being said. Another word just stucks out like a sore thumb, unless, every so often, the situation demands it. Use said nearly all of the time. I promise it will make your fiction better. Use action to show their feelings and expressions, not attibution words.

I find it pretty weird they have the conversation about their Mother and Father there and then -- wouldn't they have discussed this before? Wouldn't she have already concluded what she concludes? I think you could present this information differently.

Another point about dialogue -- all your characters talk in exactly the same way. No matter who they are, how old they are, or anything. That isn't how speech works: we all have our ways of talking. Especially in fiction, you should exaggerate these differences. The characters all seem a bit similar to, possibly because of their speech being the same. It's hard to pinpoint what their goals are, what they want. It's pretty hard to pinpoint the plot, too! I've read two chapters and I don't really know where it's heading or what the point is, yet.

Also, demimondaines is a tonguetwister you might want to avoid. People shorten long words! Even words like telephone become phone. Demimondaines would become demims, or dems, or something like that.

Good luck with it.

Cheers,

Jack.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  








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