Young Writers Society

I rang the doorbell which was next to a huge black wooden door. It was cold that night and many cars were on the driveway. I could hear music coming from the backyard. The trees waved their branches through the wind as the door opened. I walked into Stacy's house, feeling a breeze from the air conditioner. It was burning hot outside. My eyes couldn't stop staring at this amazing house. I moved my gaze from the golden living room to the tomato red kitchen. I was amazed by the silver chandelier that hung in every room. Stacy waltzed into the front room with her auburn hair staying in the place she left it, her green eyes drilling me into the ground in fear. I should really be with my best friend Vince, sitting on his roof watching the stars fly through the sky. Stacy is not my friend--she's the opposite. She has been my enemy ever since I've moved here in third grade. What I can't understand is why she'd even bother to invite me and Vince.

“Hey,” Vince said.

He’s been my best friend since I’ve moved here in third grade. He was the first person to say “hi” to me and actually hung out with me. Vince is the nicest person I’ve ever met, and the funniest. He is always there for me no matter what, even when I was the laughing stock during a middle school dance. I got pineapple juice all over my dress and dog poo on my heels. He does everything with me. He’s originally from Highland Park in Chicago. Ever since we’ve gotten into high school together I started to like him more than a friend. It made me freak out a bit because he’s Vince- what I mean by that is that, he’s my best friend and I never really thought of him that way until now.

“Hey,” I replied.
I looked at his light blue eyes and I imagined the oceans' waves.
“What are we doing here?”
“You’re asking me?”
The whole party was odd. The whole drama club was there because of our re-make of High School Musical for the summer.
Everyone stared at us and continued dancing.
“Well, yes.” He followed my gaze.
“Stacy invited us, she invited everyone from the drama club and I’m a part of it.” I explained.
“Let’s get out of here, I feel like a murderer from their stares.”

All I could have seen really was Stacy and her posse. They were like transporting from one place to another to be seen the whole time by everyone. Her blond friend Daisy is an actual stupid blond--so, it's hard for Stacy to act cool around everyone with Daisy asking her questions all the time.
It smelled like pizza and cigarettes in the food area. Everyone still stared at us. I heard a couple of whispers “Why are they here?” and “Losers,” as we ran out of the party. Everyone was still dressed up in their play outfits for a re-make of High School Musical. It was a dark Saturday night and really I agreed with Vince, I wanted to go home.

“Vince,” we came to a halt in front of the house.
“Uhuh,”
I didn't know why I even said that. I hit my hand against my head lightly. I looked down at my Kelsey costume from the play and felt the need to change.
Some cars drove by us and the only sound around us was the music from Stacy's party. I still couldn't believe I was there for three hours.
“How are we gonna get home?” I asked awkwardly.

Well, if I said his name-I have to say something after it, don’t I?
He looked at me with a serious face. His dark blond hair blew in the wind like in a wheat field. He is so cute. Snap out of it! It’s never going to happen; he doesn’t even like you back. Well, I never asked him.

“Walk.” He suggested.
I put my hand on my hip. “Seriously, my house is like ten miles away,”

He pulled my hand and we started to walk the way home. The sky was dark and you could see the stars. It got quieter as we walked farther away from Stacy’s house. I could smell Roses that came from the bush next to me. Nobody was outside but us. It felt a bit scary like the time I watched Michael Jackson's "Thriller" music video.
My feet hit the ground loudly as I came to a halt. I heard someone walking behind us and I turned my head around. No one was there. I could feel my heart beat faster than ever like the time I fell for Vince.

My long brown hair blew in front of my face and I moved it.

“Stacy drove us here you know,” Vince said and laughed.
“What?”
“It’s just that it’s still shocking that she would even want to drive us Zoe,”
I kept on staring ahead of me. “I know, she must have gotten hit by a piano or something,” we both laughed.
I followed his steps and felt my heart skip many beats. My stomach went up and down my body and made me feel sick.
Vince looked back at me. I started to blush--thank God we weren't under any lamps.
"Hey, are you okay?" he asked me.
I couldn't breath. It's like an apple got stuck in my throat. He stops and gets closer to me. I can feel my heart speed up like a racing car.
"Yeah," I swallowed hard.
"You sure, you look like you're gonna hurl." He held me arm.
Everything around me faded away leaving me only in a world with Vince. I couldn't hear anything but his voice. I couldn't see anything but his face. I couldn't feel anything but his touch. I couldn't smell anything but his cologne.
"Let's just get you home," He held me close and we continued to walk.
My little Vince world faded and I came back to reality.

Hi Nike! Cool username, by the way. I'm SporkPunk, and I'll do the honors.

Okay, so grammar. You said you wrote this without thinking much, and it shows. There are a few errors where commas should be, and spacing, and numbers should be spelled out. Other than that, it's fine. Proofreading should take care of those issues.

One nitpick though:

I look at his light blue eyes and almost melt like butter on a sunny day.

This line. I don't like it. It strongly reminds me of Twilight, with the fixation on the eyes. But if you like it, keep it.

As for the storyline, it seems kind of predictable to me. Maybe that's due to your not thinking about it, but really, it's not that original. Other than that though, you executed it pretty well.

Keep writing!

~Sporks

Hey there!
I like it. It's simple and it's cute.

I agree with SporkPunk with errors on punctuation, but other than that, it's good.

Maybe you could let us know more about Stacey too. I mean, she hates the guts of the MC, right? But what day is it, anyway? And why did she have to invite Vince and the MC to a party?
Lacks details, I think.

The MC is kind of like me, although I'm not that hated, of course. Liking a friend who only looks at you as a friend. Awh.
Anyway, keep writing!

-KAT <3

Hey Nike,

It shows a bit that you just did this without thinking because the entire scene doesn't really seem thought out. Your MC didn't really appeal to me. I felt like you didn't even know what was going on. I liked bits in this. There are very little spelling mistakes and errors. I liked your MC's voice.

Keep Writing.

Anger

Hey there!

So some small things that bothered me with this story was the fact that it was in present tense. I know that's a small complaint but present tense is super hard to write well and it comes off sounding strange. Unless you have a good reason to use it (like, time and urgency are important in your story) you probably want to stay away from it.

Another thing that bothered me was the way you threw in a lot of things that I don't think your first person narrator would randomly comment on. Like, the way she describes Stacy's house. It's not the normal way someone would tell a story - it just seems... weirdly put together, random comments. Instead of telling us about Stacy and her house, why not show it to us? The same thing with the background information you give us about her life and Vince. It's probably not important that we know it all away, or if it is, you can give it in small chunks. Again, show, don't tell! Maybe she tries holding Vince's hand, then backs off? That would show us she likes him but is worried about it.

Also I think it's kind of weird that Stacy is the most popular and also the "star" of Drama Club, but these two are the freaks? What makes Stacy get away with being in drama club? Why is she popular? Why are these guys the freaks? Try to make your character more like real people and less like cliché card board cut outs of high school people. It'll make it more realistic.

Hope this helps!

Ok. Flower here and I will be your reviewer for today. (Pops fingers) It's been awhile so bear with me dear.

Ok. Well the story did seem to be just thrown together. You seem to have put the first thought on your mind into the story without editing. You also seem to have a very dull voice in the story. Let me give you an example of what I mean.
Bored voice-
I am usually talking to my best friend, but tonight I am at a party. The most popular girl in the school invite me for reasons unknown. She was a really pretty house. Every room has a chandelier, even the bathroom.
Exciting voice-
My heart raced as I observed my surroundings. Stacy's house was beautiful, I had never seen anything like it in my life! My eyes glided over the the room, quickly landing on a golden chandelier,perched on the ceiling. I felt my heart throb in longing for my best friend, Shelby. Instead of talking to her, I was at this stupid party,with a girl who hates my guts. Speaking of Stacy, she entered the room with a casual glide. Her hair,a perfect shade of red, never dared to move from where she put it. Tonight she kept it in smooth bouncy curls. Her eyes darted to mine, showing the green intensity with full force.

Ok. well you get the point, I got a bit carried away, sorry. Another thing that was mentioned before was your tense. You chose present tense, but this is very hard to pull off well. I think past tense would be easier for you.

Also you jump subjects a lot. One minute she is enjoying the house, then her guts are hated, then she is outside, then she is gone. It is all way to fast.

The only other thing is detail, you have to have it dear or it just wont work.

I hope I helped, if you need me for anything feel free to pm me.

-Flower-

I LOVE THis!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi anigamer02 here to review i personally love it!
my corrections are in blue!

I walked into Stacy's housecomma feeling a breeze from the air conditioner. It was burning hot outside. My eyes couldn't stop staring at this amazing house.you should discibe the outside of the house first before she comes in I moved my gaze from the golden living room to the tomato red kitchen. I was amazed by the silver chandelier that hung in every room. Stacy waltzed into the front room with her auburn hair staying in the place commashe left it and her green eyes drilling me into the ground in fear. I should really be with my best friend Vince, sitting on his roof watching the stars fly through the sky. Stacy is not my friend--she's the opposite. She has been my enemy ever since I've moved here in third grade. What I can't understand is why she'd even bother to invite me and Vince.

“Hey,” Vince said.

He’s been my best friend since I’ve moved here in third grade. He was the first person to say “hi” to me and actually hung out with me. Vince is the nicest person I’ve ever met and commathe funniest. He is always there for me no matter what, even when I was the laughing stock during a middle school dance. I got pineapple juice all over my dress and dog poo on my heels. He does everything with me. He’s originally from Highland Park in Chicago. Ever since we’ve gotten into high school together I started to like him more than a friend. It made me freak out a bit because he’s Vince- what I mean by that is that, he’s my best friend and I never really thought of him that way until now.

“Hey,” I replied.
I looked at his light blue eyes and I imagined the oceans' waves.
enter“What are we doing here?”
enter“You’re asking me?”
The whole party was odd. The whole drama club was there because of our re-make of High School Musical for the summer.
Everyone stared at us and continued dancing.
enter“Well, yes.” He followed my gaze.
enter“Stacy invited us, she invited everyone from the drama club and I’m a part of it.” I explained.
enter“Let’s get out of here, I feel like a murderer from their stares.”

that's it i really like the rivalry between the 2

Being very very honest, I think that the description, vocabulary and layout are all perfect.
BUT, you almost go in to too much depth in describing what the character is seeing rather than what the character feels at different times. You kinda do it, but it the wrong places and so on.
Mehh, but what does I knows?

Ok. So far this story is good, and it has potential to be great. I really am in love with the idea of best friends falling for each other. I like the part were you put," I couldn't hear anything but his voice. I couldn't see anything but his face..."
But the story seemed kind of rushed. You did good background on her and Vince, but what about her and Stacy? And a little more description of the surroundings.

Overall your a good writer, but everyone needs a couple of tweaks.

Until next time, Stay In Love With Love.

So, you're story was acceptable. It did seem like the scene layout wasn't certain. In the first paragraph you say that it was cold that night then later it says the ac was on and it was hot, contradictions. Referring to High School Musical and Thriller, are you trying to appear modern? I wouldn't use those personally, but whatever you want to put in your story works. It's catchy how the character makes somewhat witty remarks, but it's also trivial if you don't use descriptive writing as well. Overall, keep up the good work.