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[Empyrosis] Chapter One (edited!)



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Tue Jul 20, 2010 4:04 pm
iceprincess says...



I stepped down from the train with my eudaemon, Quentin, and surveyed the bustling city that was Invidia. It had snowed a bit earlier, leaving a thick layer of white powder on the top of every building. My eyes travelled all over the dark mass of houses, buildings and mansions, searching for a familiar red castle amongst the black and grey structures. Quentin nudged me with one of his wings and cocked his head, silently asking me if I want to go home yet. I nodded my head mutely in reply, answering his unspoken question.

It started snowing again a few seconds after we decided to depart for our home, and we both wrapped our scarves more tightly against our necks before leaving the slippery train station. I stepped on my hoverboard and we flew up to the clear blue sky, his wings flapping up and down to the steady rhythm of our heartbeats. Many people on the frozen and wet streets below stared at us, some muttering to themselves or their companions that we were up to no good --- again; while some gazed at us in awe, for no-one could have their own eudaemon, their own guardian angel, except for the top members in the Governo’ dell Kolasipublica and their firstborns, of which my father is a member of.

“I’m very lucky to be your pupilla, aren’t I, Quincy?” I murmured while dodging a particularly large piece of ice and snow. He snorted, “You aren’t. Think about what kind of person you would become if Abira was your eudaemon! I’m a bad influence.” We chuckled, thoughts flying towards the beautiful eudaemon. Her pupilla, or twin, was Gaius Ferguson, the tough, weathered principal of my boarding school, St. Andrews, which we were returning from to spend our Quaerieve holidays.

The huge brick castle slowly appeared in front of us, shadowed against the pink and purple sky. The workers had hung all sorts of Quaerieve decorations all around the whole building, decorating it with festive lights, wolfsbane and the foliage from pine trees. A few workers, dressed in the customary dark gray uniforms emblazoned with the coats of arms of Surrentinum and Kolasipublica, were in the little park in front of the castle, erecting an enormous birch tree right in the middle of the square. “We’re back already,” I commented, a smile creeping on my face. Quentin dryly replied, “I’m not blind, sister dearest.”

“Really?” I gasped in mock surprise. He rolled his eyes and concentrated on finding us a place to land.

The Invidian Bell struck five, and the sound of the bronze bell ringing across the hustling city teeming with citizens hurrying home for dinner accompanied us as we swirled around the tower that we live in. Finally, we landed on the balcony where our father was pacing and muttering, anticipating our arrival. My father’s eudaemon, Tamara, was the first to greet us, pulling me and Quentin into her embrace. “Pelagia, Quentin! How have you two been?” she exclaimed, stepping back to take a good look at us, “You two look a bit thin --- haven’t they fed you at all?” My father laughed, his pearly white teeth flashing. “Tamara, let us worry about them later! They look like they’re about to drift off any second.” It was true. The long trip from my boarding school in Cilkauf to the other side of Surrentinum, the county where we live had taken a lot of energy from us.

Quentin, as if to agree with my father, yawned.

“See what I mean? Even our favorite ball of fire is tired. You two get some rest,” my father ordered us, “because we are going to visit your aunt and uncle later in the evening. We don’t want you two to drop off during one of those extremely long speeches your uncle makes, do we?” We protested, stating that we would drop off anyway listening to them talk. He simply replied, “I really don’t want your aunt Pollia biting my head off for the umpteenth time, children,” and sent us for bed. We collapsed onto our beds immediately the moment we reached our bedroom at the top of the tower and slept.

******


People were screaming and fleeing. The fire roamed and destroyed everything in sight, burning a few castles and reducing some houses to ashes and cinders next. Everyone hoped, no, begged for the stormy grey sky to rain, to stop this monster from ruining everything we held dear. But it was useless. It never rains in Kolasipublica. Desperately, I cried for Quentin; he could control fire, fire was his element, right? To my horror, I found him pale and lifeless, lying on the cobbled streets of Invidia.

“Quentin! Wake up!” I sobbed and begged for him to come back to me, like the way the crying damsel-in-distress shakes the dead hero in the old movies, only this wasn’t a fictional story, it was real. In his hands was the good-luck bracelet I made for him for our sixth birthday. It was a cruel, terrible blow to my heart.

How ironic my own guardian angel wasn’t here to protect me from this.

Suddenly, the horrible, horrible fire was all around me, threatening to engulf me and everything else that I cared about. “No!” I screamed and the world turned pitch black.


******


“Pelly? Pelly! Wake up!” A voice, familiar and soothing woke me up from my nightmare. I sat straight up, staring into Quentin’s liquid brown eyes and saw my own bleary and tear-filled blue ones reflected in them. Tears that threatened to spill out broke through. I just sat there and sobbed into his shirt. I heard my father’s concerned voice telling Quentin to take care of me at home and to make sure we get some sleep, while he and Tamara go to Aunt Pollia’s house without us.The sound of him shutting the door echoed through the large bedroom, while the electric grandfather clock tick-tocked, lulling me to sleep once more. Quentin gently told me that everything was alright and rocked me in his arms, humming a funny little lullaby, the song our mother sang for us when we were still little ones.

Hush, little ones, hush, you’ll wake up the brush
Of the jujube tree;
Sleep, my loves, sleep, or else it’ll come and
Take you away from me;
It will curl around your little crowns and
Hold you to its chest;
Then it will turn away, with you, my babe,
You might imagine the rest.


I interrupted him. “I miss Mama…” I drowsily mumbled. I could feel Quentin’s shoulders droop at the very mention of our late mother, and he turned his head away, looking at the dark eventide sky. “I miss her too, Pelly. I miss her too.”

Now sleep, sweet one, my darling son
You as well, my dear;
When the moon is gone, the bush will long
For another parrot’s ear;
It will leave you alone, and your throne
Your mother will be rejoicing;
So sleep now, my darlings, till the sun is shining
Until the rooster comes a-calling.


By the time he sang the end of the chorus, I was already fast asleep.

******


I woke up to the sound of the Invidian Bell ringing, signalling to all the residents of Invidia that it was time to wake up and go on with their lives. “Feeling better?” Quentin asked me, putting down his book and jumping up from the comfortable velvet armchair that he was sitting in to open the curtains. The dim winter sun streamed through the foggy windows, casting dull shadows around the pale violet room. I ignored him, crawling out of bed, yawning and stretching all the way to the bathroom, leaving a puzzled Quentin in my wake.

After I brushed my teeth, I returned to the bedroom. He was waiting for me there, both arms and wings folded. “You didn’t answer my question earlier.” I looked back from the fire-roses to him. He had his head lifted up, and his knuckles were white, fingers digging into the thin fabric of his pajamas. I sighed, “Better than yesterday, that’s for sure." He immediately crossed the room to pull me into his arms. I barely reached his shoulders. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head. I saw his eyebrows go up but he didn’t press the matter anymore. For me it too was weird because I never hide anything from him, especially when it comes to nightmares. We shared everything together and we did everything together --- he was the best friend I ever had.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, and gently touched the huge aquamarine gem protruding from the nape of his pale neck. My father said that it was the sign of a true eudaemon, and that he was born with it when he first emerged from my mother’s womb. I came ten minutes later.

We stood there entwined for a moment, soothed by the comforting silence. Then Quentin pulled back, looked straight into my eyes, and whispered, “Was it about…that?”

I knew exactly what he was talking about. “Nope.” I turned away from him and sat in front of my writing desk, checking whether I had unread mail.

I was sorting through the dusty piles of paper, when Quentin suddenly spoke in hushed tones, “Can you still do that thing?”

Without even looking at him, I said irritably, “Of course I can. And Quincy, it’s not a thing --- it’s more like a new power or something.”

“Can you show me?” He sat on the wooden chair next to mine.

I sighed. Quentin could sometimes be really annoying, but deep inside, I knew he was trying to help. “No, Quincy. And that’s final.”

He pouted and crossed his arms. “Please?”

I melted inwardly, while giggling at his ridiculous expression. He looked like a little boy begging for some sweets. “Nope!” I sing-songed, and ruffled his already tousled electric blue locks.

He scowled, and tried to comb his hair back into place. “Why not, Pelagia?”

I gave him a dark look. He knew I hated it when people call me by my real name. “It drains a lot of power from me, like when you try to set something on fire out of nowhere, Quentin.”

Quentin narrowed his eyes. “One little trick wouldn’t cause any harm, right?” He argued, his wings flapping up and down in frustration.

“Yeah, you’re right…” I reluctantly stood up and pursed my lips. Quentin smugly leapt to his feet, and opened the bathroom door for me. “Here you go, little sister!”

I stuck my tongue out at him, and stalked into the bathroom while grumbling under my breath. He pranced inside, and filled the sink half full with water before stepping back. “Now do your magic, maestro!” He cheered.

“And they say he’s the mature one.” I muttered. I saw him visibly trying to suppress his chuckles in the mirror, but I ignored him and submerged both of my hands underneath the lukewarm liquid.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Concentrate, Pelly, I told myself. Concentrate… I visualized a sphere of swirling water in my head, and I willed the water to obey my commands. I could feel the slowly cooling water pulsating, swishing and swooshing against my cold fingers. Without thinking, I clapped my hands together and shockingly, I could feel the water pulling my hands into the center.

I heard Quentin let out a gasp. I forced my eyes open, and to my utter surprise, the originally calm water had turned into a whirlpool, and it had already sucked a bar of soap and our toothbrushes into the center. It wasn’t like this the first time! I drew in my breath sharply and quickly withdrew my hands from the vortex in fear.

What really terrified --- and astonished --- me was that when I drew my hands out of the water, the whirlpool continued sucking in things (including my silver bracelet), but I managed to hold a swirling ball of water in one of my freezing hands.

The globe of water started to swirl faster and faster while me and Quentin stared at it. From the corner of my eye, I noticed that the vortex was rotating faster and faster as well.

I touched the water with my free hand and it swirled up into my hand until it formed into a ball. The sink was completely bare now, with both of my hands holding its contents. I looked at Quentin, and smirked at him. He was at a loss, mouth wide open. I grinned at him, silently assuring him that it was the same Pelly that stood before him. But he didn’t return the gesture --- he just stood there, frozen to the wet, slippery bathroom floor. When he finally spoke, he just whistled, “Wow.” He went by my side and slung his arm around my shoulder and smiled at me.

I grinned even wider, reveling in my new-found power. I flexed my hands, trying to juggle the now rapidly spinning balls of water. All of a sudden, I realized that my body temperature was becoming colder and colder, but oddly I still felt I was warm. I was shivering all over too.

Quentin felt it too, for suddenly he jumped back, yelping that I was cold and shaking all over. Tiny beads of ice-water appeared all over my body like sweat and dropped on the floor. I panicked, and threw the swirling balls of water into the bathtub. They broke into little pieces of ice when they landed on the hard marble surface, but they quickly melted into normal, not-spinning water.

I shuddered, and I wrapped my arms around myself. A visibly shocked Quentin caught my eye in the mirror, and I turned around to see what he wanted to say. “We better not tell anyone about this, Pelly,” he said tersely, “We don’t know what the pure, innocent citizens of Surrentinum would do next if they knew.” I shakily laughed and he helped me to drain away the water, which was still ice-cold.
Last edited by iceprincess on Wed Jul 28, 2010 10:10 am, edited 11 times in total.
you'll never find another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
ocean lapping voice, smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
and you're all alone again tonight; not again, not again, not again.
and don't it feel alright, and don't it feel so nice? lovely.


  





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Tue Jul 20, 2010 6:27 pm
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firefly882 says...



Hello, iceprincess. Firefly here for a review!

You'll be pleased to know that I found this to be a pretty good read, and I don't give that compliment out very often. I'm pretty picky when it comes to analyzing a chapter, but I can honestly say that I hardly found any problems with this.

But there's no such thing as a perfect piece, and there were some things that stuck out at me here, so I'll jump right to them:

He sounded demanding, arrogant, even angry.


You're telling here. Show us that he's angry by describing his posture/tone of voice/etc. Here's a helpful link for the whole "show vs. tell" debate: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic41911.html?hilit=show%20and%20tell

For me it too was weird because I never hide anything from him, especially when it comes to nightmares.


Why didn't she tell him? Was she afraid to?

“We don’t know what the pure, innocent citizens of Surrentinum would do next if they knew.”


Why, what would they do? Are having powers illegal or seen as some kind of evil?

I liked the level of interaction your characters had with one another. I could immediately tell that Pelly and Quincy were very close to each other. But you can always elaborate on this; show us how close the two are with thoughts/feelings on one another, make the dialogue more colorful, etc. I like your characters now, but make me love them!

Also, be very careful when incorporating made-up words into your story, such as "Quaerieve" and "eudaemon;" while you did explain what a "eudaemon" is throughout the piece, it's unclear what a "Quaerieve holiday" is. Maybe if you described the scenery a bit more (Is it cold outside, or dry? Snowing, raining, wet, humid?) the reader could have a clear understanding of what season your world is going through, and can thus make a comparison to one of our own holidays (Is it close to Christmas, or Thanksgiving? Summer or spring break?).

What also got me was the lapse in time. Before the dream scene, Pelly and Quincy are sent to be by their father, so the reader assumes that it's nighttime. But after the dream she wakes to her father leaving, so the reader believes that it's daytime now. But earlier, the father told them that they would leave for their aunt's in the evening, which completely confuses me as to the time of day: did Pelly and Quincy only take a nap and it's still the same day, or did Pelly sleep through a whole day? If you could drop hints into your descriptions as to the time of day (ex, have Pelly glance at a clock or describe the nighttime/daytime atmosphere of the city), this would clear the matter up greatly.

Your descriptions of the buildings and Pelly's immediate surroundings are beautiful, but they could be elaborated on a bit more. Or not, but I'm a sucker for elaborate detail (as long as you don't lose your reader on what you're describing!) and tend to do it in my own stories!

Overall, I feel that this is a very interesting chapter and I can't wait to read more about Pelly's developing powers! Feel free to PM me with any questions you might have; I'm always eager to help!

Kudos, and keep writing!
~Firefly
"Have I ever told you the story about how our kingdom was nearly torn apart by greed and betrayal? No? Well then gather 'round, my children, and let Ol' Nan tell you about the Legends of Arenthul." ~Naneria
  





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Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:53 pm
Miniauthor says...



Mmmkay, first off I just wanted to say that that you have an awesome story idea here, and great writing style. I just have a few nitpicks to share. :)

The first part I was confused on, is what exactly is Pelly and Quincy's relationship? I noticed Quincy called Pelly "Little sister" so are they brother and sister? If so, why is Quincy an angel if Pelly is not? Was their mother a guardian angel too?

Next, I was also confused on the time of day. When they arrived in Invidia, I imagined it was late afternoon, but their father told them they would go visit their aunt and uncle in the evening. When they took a nap, I also found it difficult to understand how long they slept. For some reason it seemed like Pelly woke up in the middle of the night after her nightmare, then woke again in the morning. Maybe you could mention something about the midday light filtering in through an open window or something just to give the readers a hint at what time these events are happening.

[quote]Quentin, as if to agree with my father, yawned. “See what I mean? Even our favorite ball of fire is tired. You two get some rest,” my father ordered us, “because we are going to visit your aunt and uncle in the evening.[/quote]

Okay, in this part the "Quentin, as if to agree with my father, yawned." should be its own separate paragraph. It sounds as if Quincy is talking when it starts with "see what I mean?" right after that sentence.

I was also confused about what time period this is taking place in. There are castles and mansions and trains, so I figured it was somewhat medieval, but then you say that Pelly has a hoverboard and a sink and a toothbrush.

Well, other than that, it was really good! I would love to read more, this sounds like a great beginning to a story!! :D Keep writing!!

~Mini

(sorry the quote didn't really work, my computer has issues XD)
Kaiba: I'm here for your Blue-eyes old man, and I won't take no for an answer. Now give it to me.
Yugi's Grandpa: No.
Kaiba: Curses. Foiled again.

-Yu-Gi-Oh the abridged series (on youtube)
  





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Sun Jul 25, 2010 1:23 am
firefly882 says...



Hey iceprincess, Firefly again!

My first thought when reading your first paragraph: She's showing instead of telling! Yay! :elephant:

I noticed that you added snow--this helps to clear up things. Winter is obvious to pick out, which gives us a holiday comparison when you mention Quaerieve in the third paragraph. My first guess as to the time period is medieval, since you mention castles, but then you throw in a hoverboard, so I'm thinking it's futuristic medieval. Am I at least swinging in the ballpark here? Mention other technological devices that surround your characters (that is, if the setting is futuristic medieval); that will help to clarify the time period a little more.

Anyway, there were a few things that still caught my eye:

“because we are going to visit your aunt and uncle in the evening"...(enter dream here)...I heard my father’s concerned voice telling Quentin to take care of me at home while he and Flavia go to Aunt Pollia’s house.


You still haven't cleared the lapse in time between these three scenes. Do Pelly and Quincy sleep through the night and most of the next day? Did they arrive home in the morning, sleep the afternoon off, and wake up later that day? After Quincy sings their mother's lullaby, the very next sentence about the bells ringing also gives me the impression that it's now morning, which in turn puts me at a loss to what time it really is. Work on establishing the time of day to help clarify this and I'll stop pointing it out. :)

He had his head lifted up, and his knuckles were white, fingers digging into the thin fabric of his pajamas.


This is a perfect example you have of showing Quentin's anger to the reader instead of telling us he's mad. Great job!

I wrapped my arms around his neck, and gently touched the huge aquamarine gem protruding from his on the nape of his pale neck.


Other than those few nitpicks, I feel that this is a very powerful opening chapter to your novel. I can't wait to read more!

Keep writing!
~Firefly
"Have I ever told you the story about how our kingdom was nearly torn apart by greed and betrayal? No? Well then gather 'round, my children, and let Ol' Nan tell you about the Legends of Arenthul." ~Naneria
  





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Tue Jul 27, 2010 11:44 pm
VivielTwixt says...



Here I am. Before I start reviewing let me say this, I honestly enjoyed reading your story and I don't say that for every story. The errors you have here aren't really that major. You can continue on to the next chapter without addressing them, but I'll list my suggestions anyway.

Writing Style
In this section, you did great. You have a nice writing voice that creates just the right mood for this sort of story, a fantasy story. You showed a lot instead of telling. I have to give you kudos for that, because I've read too many stories that did the opposite. I agree with Firefly about the descriptions, though. You already do have nice descriptions and you probably made sure you didn't put in too many to bore the readers, but in your story with your voice, we need more descriptions. As a reader, you've made me want to know about the way Pelly's hair flows down her shoulders or how the multicolored buildings of the town probably look like a mosaic from above. In fantasy description is key. Elaborate more on your descriptions and your story will become even more alive for the readers.

Characters
I liked your characters, but I don't know them very well. Fortunately, I'm still on the first chapter so there's time. Still, try to elaborate more on their relationship. Is it a little sister who looks up to her older brother for guidance and protection relationship? Is it a similar-age, twin, best friend, always-know-what-the-other-is-thinking relationship? Or is it something else? It's not exactly clear right now and it doesn't have to be. But it would be nice if you can drop a few more hints in this chapter. You really don't have to so early in the story,but it would be nice.

Plot
Your plot seems right on key. Conflict starts in the first chapter with Pelly discovering her powers are stronger than she thought. That's near the end of the chapter though. To help the readers get through what comes before, add a hook. Maybe Pelly wondering how the town's changed since her departure. That way the readers have something to look forward to before the nightmare and power-discovery happens.

Other Comments
There are a few parts of your story that could be clearer. Pelly and Quincy were supposed to go somewhere in the evening, but the father decided to let them sleep and left without them, right? Make this clear by having the father say it. Something like this:
“Pelly? Pelly! Wake up!” A voice, familiar and soothing woke me up from my nightmare. I sat straight up, staring into Quentin’s liquid brown eyes and saw my own bleary and tear-filled blue ones reflected in them. Tears that threatened to spill out broke through. I just sat there and sobbed into his shirt. I heard my father’s concerned voice telling Quentin to take care of me at home and to make sure we get some sleep while he and Tamara go to Aunt Pollia’s house without us.

Don't be afraid to tell things sometimes. You already do a good job of showing. Readers can infer things, but it helps when the author backs it up by telling them eventually. Same goes with the eudaemon relationship. I can infer some things about it, but it would be nice if you could tell me somethings too.

Also (don't worry this is the last thing), I don't know why the other reviewers are trying to find a time period for this. In fantasy, the world is made up. It doesn't need a time period.

Overall, great job. I can tell that you love this story form the way that you wrote it. Keep on it. I will review chapter two, because you did get me hooked with chapter one. I know my review is long, but a lot of it is just saying what I liked about Empyrosis. You really don't need to do everything I suggested. And if I were you, I'd keep working on the second chapter, keeping these things in mind instead of editing the first chapter. If you need any help or want me to be clearer, don't be afraid to PM me.
If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
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Wed Jul 28, 2010 5:49 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hey Princess, it's Stella!

I. NITPICKS

I stepped down from the train with my eudaemon, Quentin, and surveyed the bustling city that was Invidia.


Let's look at this for infodumps: one: eudaemon- what the heck? Two: Quentin, alright, fair enough, Three, Invidia. It takes us about three goes to understand that.

and we both wrapped our scarves more tightly against our necks before leaving the slippery train station.


Wait. I thought he had wings and assumed he was a bird. So he has a scarf?

I stepped on my hoverboard and we flew up to the clear blue sky,


How is it clear if it's snowing?

“You aren’t. Think about what kind of person you would become if Abira was your eudaemon! I’m a bad influence.”


I don't understand this- she isn't to have him, but if Abira was... what?

Her pupilla, or twin, was Gaius Ferguson,


Or twin?

“We’re back already,” I commented, a smile creeping on my face. Quentin dryly replied, “I’m not blind, sister dearest.”


New paragraph whenever someone new starts speaking.

Right.

II. PLOT

So what I like about this is that you tend not to beat around the bush, you get right down to your plot, and that's definitely a good thing. But at the same time, you seem so keen to do this, you're forgetting the little details. They were going to go to their aunt and uncle's, yes? But they never seem to go. We seem them greeting their father, but it felt a little underwhelming for people just coming back from school. What about the rest of the staff, too? Don't they care about them? Moving ahead is a great thing, but I'd love to see their lives be filled out a little bit more.

III. OVERALL

Really not bad at all.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Thu Jul 29, 2010 11:55 am
Firestarter says...



Hey iceprincess,

Here as requested.

The first part had my head swimming with too much information. It's good that you avoided info-dumps, but this almost cried out just for a little bit of it, so we could know what was going on. The reader is bombarded with about seven new words by the third paragraph, and to be honest it was a little irritating. I also think the beginning was a bit boring. What you're doing is warming up your engines. It's not an exciting opening, or an intriguing one, or an interesting one. The reader is not captivated by two people they don't know returning from somewhere to a place they don't know. There's nothing happening -- it's pretty static. Give us these new words and concepts later, when we're already captivated by your exciting beginning.

I'm gonna quote from a helpful writing book I have near me, which talks about this (The 38 Most Common Fiction Writing Mistakes, and How to Avoid Them by Jack M. Bickham):

Start the story with the first sentence!

How do you do that? By recognizing three facts:

1. Any time you stop to describe something, you have stopped. Asking a reader to jump eagerly into a story that starts without motion is like asking a cyclist to ride a bike with no wheels -- he pedals and pedals but doesn't get anywhere. Description is vital in fiction, but at the outset of the story it's deadly.

2. Fiction looks forward, not backward. When you start a story with background information, you point the reader in the wrong direction, and put her off. If she had wanted old news, she would have read yesterday's newspaper.

3. Good fiction starts with -- and deals with -- someone's response to threat.


Not all of that is applicable to you, but there's a bit further on which I find is one of the best writing tips to live by:

Nothing is more threatening than change.

From this, it stands to reason that you will know when and where to start your story -- page one, line on -- when you identify the moment of change. Because change is where the story starts.


As a further point, I'm not a big fan of dreams and songs. The whole meaning-in-dreams thing is really, really overdone. I don't know where it's going, but placing it early doors kinda had me groaning.

I think you have a pretty good sense of how to write but you were writing about the wrong things; the second scene (with the revealing of the powers) seemed like the sort of scene you'd place later on in a book, when we knew these characters better. We've barely been introduced to them, as it is. I think your rushing in to a middle-book kinda of scene, when what we want is something to captivate us at the start, and not this static sort of interaction.

That's my main critique of this piece! I'll go read #2 now.

Cheers,

Jack.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  





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Sat Jul 31, 2010 3:24 pm
Yuriiko says...



Hello there!

Here as requested.

First of all, I just wanted to say that this is pretty well written. Your choice of words are more or less brilliant and to think that you've sent me to the dictionary and thesaurus (which added or widened up my vocabulary!). haha. Anyways, your writing style is definitely unique. It's because you've maintained the standard voice of your main character throughout the story and you've portrayed almost everything around her. However, I feel like the story's revolving only around to Quentin and Pelagia. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing but I would like to see some more of characters in your upcoming chapters.


Plot and Flow:

I feel like you seemed to rush the pace especially in the middle part. I like how the flow is going from the starting paragraph but when I already went to the middle-last part scene, it's like you fast-forwarded things. That's all sudden too me. And about the plot, I find it pretty interesting. You manage to make me imagine the setting especially in your introductory part- the snow and eudaemon thing.


Good things:

Your tenses are all consistent and as with your punctuations, they're all in the right places. Also, there are no awkward sentences that annoyed me. And I would like to say you did a good job at "showing don't tell" thing. It's really impressive which draws my attention until the final scene in this piece.


When all's said and done, this is really fascinating and quite attention-grabbing from the first scene until the last one. I thank you for the good read. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.

*likes*

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal
  





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267 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 314
Reviews: 267
Sun Aug 01, 2010 5:08 pm
Nike says...



Hello... I'm here to review like you requested!
So, I don't peek into the Fantasy section on YWS but I'll give it a try. (I didn't even read a whole Harry Potter book!)
*reads post*
This is nice and catchy. I like the big imagination you had while writing this! It pulled me into the story, but not fully because I don't like reading fantasy stories... except for Harry Potter.
I agree with the writers above me. Their comments are more um, reviewed than mine :P.
Keep Writing tho! I loved it!
Nike :)
“There is no need to call me Sir, Professor.”
  








Lily you are my fig father
— Elliebanana