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star dust (chapter 3)



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Fri Jul 16, 2010 10:15 am
katchaerin says...



Me – the new house maid >:C



The sun was peeking through my bedroom window when I woke up to seven a.m. It was a supposed to be wonderful Saturday morning until I spotted some bags and suitcases at the front door. I wondered if Papa was going somewhere but figured he couldn’t have brought with him a lot of luggage. Then I began to think if my Lolo and Lola came for a visit, but I couldn’t smell them. My lola had this oldie powder scent and my lolo had this smell of bibingka, a kind of rice cake made from coconut. I searched the whole house if there was someone else, but Ben pointed to the kitchen. Mama was sitting on a stool looking depressed, and across her was Ate Remy, our housemaid, weeping. I thought for a while if Ate Remy was being scolded, but I suddenly remembered the bags at the front door. She’s leaving?! I wanted to ask. Was she tired of us?

“I knew what I did was wrong,” Ate Remy kept sobbing. I kept listening but Ben grabbed my arm and brought me to the living room.

“What?!” I asked him in exasperation.

“She’s pregnant,” he replied.

I was silent for a few seconds but I had a lot to ask.
“By whom?”
“Kuya Dante,” he was picking his teeth with a tooth pick. “You know, the gasoline boy down the road.”

I couldn’t believe what I just heard. I wanted to sock Ben in case he was telling lies again, but everything makes sense. Kuya Dante is her boyfriend since the other month and we weren’t always in the house so I figured Kuya Dante kept coming over. But everything seemed so wrong. Ate Remy is just eighteen years old…too young to be a mother.

“It can’t be. Why does she have to leave?”

“Because she’s pregnant, dum-dum.”

“But she could stay here. Why did – “

“Stop asking a lot of questions. I’m sure Mama will tell you everything. Sheesh.”

He stood up and I gave him the fiercest glare I could make. He’s just acting like that because he knows what’s happening. It isn’t my fault I was always last on the news.

Ate Remy said goodbye to us still in tears, constantly telling me to take care and all. I didn’t know what to do but just smiled and pressed her arm. I felt sorry for her. What would her parents say if she goes back pregnant? What will happen to her and her baby? I wanted to cry for her but I couldn’t. I just realized I, too, must be sorry for myself. Now that Ate Remy’s gone, who’d do the things she’s supposed to do?

Mama called Ben and I to the kitchen to talk. I don’t know why Mama always chooses the kitchen as a talking place. Maybe she finds it small and secure that what we say there would be like sacred or something.

She drew a deep breath.

“Alexandra, Benjamin. You know pretty well that Ate Remy is not coming back anymore. And – ”

“When are you going to hire another one, Ma?” Ben said not paying attention to the frown on Mum’s face.

“Listen, you two,” she said as if she was about to lose patience. “Your Ate Remy is going to be our last maid. That means we are not going to hire another one anymore and you have to divide the chores among yourselves. Is that clear?”
Ben and I were silent. We never loved chores and that’s a fact. It’s not that we’re spoiled or something, we’re just used to it, that’s all.

Ben was the first one to speak, but with a sort of irritation in his voice.


“Mama…uh…why do we have to…never mind.”

Then I had this feeling in my chest that I knew I know what was going to happen next.

“Alexandra,” Mama said sternly, “you’ll be doing the dishes and the cleaning of the whole house. You Ben, would do the cooking. You’re better in that.”

“But Mama!” Ben’s voice rang. “Boys are not supposed to do chores!”

I gritted my teeth. I wanted to do something but I couldn’t. Something seems to be socking me to death. I didn’t realize it immediately but tears were pricking my eyes.

“Meeting is adjourned,” Mum said and stood up. But not before I did, and darted across to my room.

I kicked my room carpet, knocked my teddy bears down and buried my face under my sheets. Mama was knocking on my door, hollering about the chores she’d assigned. She was, again, telling me about the time when she was small and she had to fetch water a mile away from home, cook breakfast and feed the chickens before going to school, and to think they were seven siblings dividing all the work. I cried a lot and at that moment, I didn’t feel sorry, but I hated Ate Remy for being careless that she had to go away. It felt so unfair. Why does Ben only have to do the cooking and I had to go and do the WHOLE cleaning? I hate, hate, hate this stupid and unfair world!


The next day, Ben broke his arm after riding his bike to the corner shop.

I don’t know if what I saw was real, but I actually spotted Ben grinning at his casted arm.

“You did it on purpose, didn’t you?” I hissed at Ben after realizing maybe he did to avoid his only work which was not that bad at all.

Ben looked insulted.

“So you thought I could break my arm just for a stupid house chore? You think like a two-year old kid. Grow up.”

I stomped outside his room with my head burning like red, hot coal. He could pass for an actor, I thought.
I had to cook that day, but Ben must be beside me to check if what I was doing was the right thing. I felt like a two-year old kid and Ben even said that right to my face.

Ben and I argued on what to cook and we settled for adobong manok.

“Sauté those garlic and onion first,” Ben would instruct me and I’d sheepishly follow. Then more instructions after like,

“Put in the chicken cuts. Pour in some water and soy sauce…a little vinegar.” He scolded me for every mistake I made and I couldn’t yell back at him because Papa was watching us looking so pleased. Then I had to check the rice. Ben would constantly make faces at me which simply meant I am a big loser, taking orders from her younger brother.
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Sat Jul 17, 2010 5:30 pm
spiderman says...



You go to love Ben. I didn't know they were rich enough to have a maid. Alex does act younger then her age sometimes or maybe its just her absent-minded innocence.

“But Mama!” Ben’s voice rang. “Boys are not supposed to do chores!”


:? I do chores :?
Anyway, keep writing, and with a little bit of editing you might have something.

~Spiderman~
Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

WHISPERS IN THE DARK LYRICS - SKILLET
  





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Sun Jul 25, 2010 6:48 am
Lava says...



Heyo again!

Now, I did like how this chapter unfolded and the dialogue of it. It was pretty good. However, this felt disconnected from the story you had built so far. My head's like "What happened? When and where are we?" I would like to see some continuation, otherwise a reader will get bored.
Also, as for chapter title, I'd rather not have the smilies.
The sun was peeking through my bedroom window when I woke up to seven a.m.
This is a cliched, bad starting line. I've been told by other YWSers and I agree. Try to go for something different.
I gritted my teeth. I wanted to do something but I couldn’t. Something seems to be socking me to death. I didn’t realize it immediately but tears were pricking my eyes.
This seems too strong a reaction. It doesn't flow well, and so far from what you've developed of the MC, I can't picture her doing this.

Characters: I like how you develop Ben. It's very good. Your MC could do with that sort of development. No, I'm not saying description, but see, Ben has a defined way of talking and his act, while your MC is still floating around, trying to find her place. Give your MC a solid personality; get to know her like she's your best friend. Find out her interests, her music, her style of walking, talking etc.
Once again, your dialogue was good, but you need to up the description. Work on showing us quirkiness and other little traits that define a person. Show us the room and other things.

Flow: Okay, this as a standalone wasn;t so bad; ti would be a good introductory chapter. But as it is placed now, I'm confused as to where this is going. What's going on?

Okay, well, PM for the next chapter please. :)
I hope I helped. PM me if you have questions.
Cheers,
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  





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Sun Jul 25, 2010 6:25 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



The sun was peeking through my bedroom window when I woke up to seven a.m. It was a supposed to be (supposed to be a) wonderful Saturday morning until I spotted some bags and suitcases at the front door. I wondered if Papa was going somewhere but figured he couldn’t have brought with him a lot of luggage. Then I began to think if my Lolo and Lola came for a visit, but I couldn’t smell them. My lola had this oldie powder scent and my lolo had this smell of bibingka, a kind of rice cake made from coconut. I searched the whole house if there was someone else, but Ben pointed to the kitchen. Mama was sitting on a stool looking depressed, and across her was Ate Remy, our housemaid, weeping. I thought for a while if Ate Remy was being scolded, but I suddenly remembered the bags at the front door. She’s leaving?! I wanted to ask. Was she tired of us?
So now I finally know who Ate is!!! And italics for thoughts.
“I knew what I did was wrong,” Ate Remy kept sobbing. I kept listening but Ben grabbed my arm and brought me to the living room.

You repeat ‘kept’.

“What?!” I asked him in exasperation.
“She’s pregnant,” he replied.
I was silent for a few seconds but I had a lot to ask.
“By whom?”
“Kuya Dante,” he was picking his teeth with a tooth pick. “You know, the gasoline boy down the road.”
I couldn’t believe what I just heard. I wanted to sock Ben in case he was telling lies again, but everything makes sense. Kuya Dante is her boyfriend since the other month and we weren’t always in the house so I figured Kuya Dante kept coming over. But everything seemed so wrong. Ate Remy is just eighteen years old…too young to be a mother.
“It can’t be. Why does she have to leave?”
“Because she’s pregnant, dum-dum.”
haha
“But she could stay here. Why did – “
“Stop asking a lot of questions. I’m sure Mama will tell you everything. Sheesh.”
He stood up and I gave him the fiercest glare I could make. He’s just acting like that because he knows what’s happening. It isn’t my fault I was always last on the news.
Ate Remy said goodbye to us still in tears, constantly telling me to take care and all. I didn’t know what to do but just smiled and pressed her arm. I felt sorry for her. What would her parents say if she goes back pregnant? What will happen to her and her baby? I wanted to cry for her but I couldn’t. I just realized I, too, must be sorry for myself. Now that Ate Remy’s gone, who’d do the things she’s supposed to do?
Mama called Ben and I to the kitchen to talk. I don’t know why Mama always chooses the kitchen as a talking place. Maybe she finds it small and secure that what we say there would be like sacred or something.
I like this line too.
She drew a deep breath.
“Alexandra, Benjamin. You know pretty well that Ate Remy is not coming back anymore. And – ”
“When are you going to hire another one, Ma?” Ben said not paying attention to the frown on Mum’s face.
“Listen, you two,” she said as if she was about to lose patience. “Your Ate Remy is going to be our last maid. That means we are not going to hire another one anymore and you have to divide the chores among yourselves. Is that clear?”
Ben and I were silent. We never loved chores and that’s a fact. It’s not that we’re spoiled or something, we’re just used to it, that’s all.
Who does like chores?
Ben was the first one to speak, but with a sort of irritation in his voice.
“Mama…uh…why do we have to…never mind.”
Then I had this feeling in my chest that I knew I know what was going to happen next.
“Alexandra,” Mama said sternly, “you’ll be doing the dishes and the cleaning of the whole house. You Ben, would do the cooking. You’re better in that.”
“But Mama!” Ben’s voice rang. “Boys are not supposed to do chores!”
I gritted my teeth. I wanted to do something but I couldn’t. Something seems to be socking me to death. I didn’t realize it immediately but tears were pricking my eyes.
“Meeting is adjourned,” Mum said and stood up. But not before I did, and darted across to my room.
I kicked my room carpet, knocked my teddy bears down and buried my face under my sheets. Mama was knocking on my door, hollering about the chores she’d assigned. She was, again, telling me about the time when she was small and she had to fetch water a mile away from home, cook breakfast and feed the chickens before going to school, and to think they were seven siblings dividing all the work. I cried a lot and at that moment, I didn’t feel sorry, but I hated Ate Remy for being careless that she had to go away. It felt so unfair. Why does Ben only have to do the cooking and I had to go and do the WHOLE cleaning? I hate, hate, hate this stupid and unfair world!
I’m glad you brought the teddy bears into this lol.
The next day, Ben broke his arm after riding his bike to the corner shop.
Wow that was quick. Maybe put a page break or something?
I don’t know if what I saw was real, but I actually spotted Ben grinning at his casted arm.
“You did it on purpose, didn’t you?” I hissed at Ben after realizing maybe he did to avoid his only work which was not that bad at all.
Ben looked insulted.
“So you thought I could break my arm just for a stupid house chore? You think like a two-year old kid. Grow up.”
I stomped outside his room with my head burning like red, hot coal. He could pass for an actor, I thought.
I had to cook that day, but Ben must be beside me to check if what I was doing was the right thing. I felt like a two-year old kid and Ben even said that right to my face.
Ben and I argued on what to cook and we settled for adobong manok.
“Sauté those garlic and onion first,” Ben would instruct me and I’d sheepishly follow. Then more instructions after like,
“Put in the chicken cuts. Pour in some water and soy sauce…a little vinegar.” He scolded me for every mistake I made and I couldn’t yell back at him because Papa was watching us looking so pleased. Then I had to check the rice. Ben would constantly make faces at me which simply meant I am a big loser, taking orders from her younger brother.

This chapter is your best yet! I can see now that the brother-sister relationship isn’t all hair-pulling and insults.

I’m still getting a major lack of plot. I’m wondering what the point of this whole story is. When will any excitement kick in?

Keep writing, you’re getting better and better.
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  








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