Young Writers Society

I had been sitting in the bath for a better part of an hour. My mind could not wrap itself around the concept that my parents wanted to pay someone to follow me about all day. I never went out; no place outside my home could hold my interest long enough to persuade me to leave. This new employee would be even more bored with my life than I am. My parents’ old money will only be wasted. They care, however. I must respect them for that. It is my wellbeing they are looking after. Although, their maternal parenting is more like intense suffocating. I love them, of course. I could not imagine my life without them and their support. I am the entire cause behind our constant relocation.

“Miss Rebecca Harrison, if you stay in that bath any longer, you will shrivel up like a prune,” called Sarah, my maid.

She traveled with us and was sworn into secrecy. She was hired shortly after I was born to aid my mother in taking care of me while in infancy despite my being an only child and my mother having little tasks around our home. However, as I grew my mother needed her more than ever. Sarah is like a second mother, or an older sister that I was never obliged to possess.

Sarah did not wait for me to reply before she strolled into the room. Her pale blue eyes did not turn to me until she made it all the way to the other side of the room where she picked up a cotton cloth and held it out to me. “Well,” said she, the annoyance clear in her voice. “There is a man here to see you and Mr. and Mrs. Harrison. Miss Becky, you must enquire about him. He is surely handsome and very agreeable.”

“Dear Sarah, you gossip like an old lady.”

“Do you not wish to know of him, Miss Becky? I will be forever silent about him if you demand it.” Her manner of speaking suggested that she knew I would do exactly the opposite.

After being fully dressed, I sat at my vanity. Sarah picked up my silver hair brush and slowly began untangling the disarray that was my dark brown hair. Such chaos is the conclusion of yet another sleepless night. My only wish was that it was night terrors keeping me awake with feverish sweats and rapid breathing. Night terrors would be a relief if not an accomplishment. However, it was not bad dreams keeping my eyes fully alert all through the sleeping hours of the night.

“Sarah, come. I cannot bear this silence between us any longer. Pray, tell me everything you know about the mysterious man who has come to see my parents.

Through the mirror, I saw a smile form on Sarah’s face.

“His name is Mr. Bennit. I believe Richard is his God given name. Yes, I am sure of it. Jane Dashwood told me herself. Oh, you remember Jane. She used to do your linens when we first arrived here last year. It is sad to me that she was better detained elsewhere. She was a sweet friend and quite handsome. I absolutely adored her. We meet from time to time here in town but not as much as I would wish.”

“Sarah, the man?”

“Oh yes, of course, Miss Becky. Richard Bennit is his name, I am sure of it. His family is of a large fortune yet he chooses not to be a gentleman. Why that is, no one is certain of. Perhaps they cut him off due to great gambling debts. I don’t suppose it is for inferior marriage for he is without a mistress for his home. However, his bed is never without one.”

“Sarah!”

“T’was what I heard from the very reliable Miss Dashwood.”

“When did you discover all of this?”

“He first came into town looking for work just last month. Surely you can expect him to be the subject of gossip. At least for a fortnight.”

“What else have you learned?”

“I’ve told you all I know. I’ve never personally spoken with him but he seemed amiable from what I have seen. Mr. Bennit has certainly received a proper education.”

“Mr. Bennit is a man who is unknown to our family intimately. He may be smart and is certainly fickle. What an excellent candidate.”


Richard Bennit sat across from my mother and father at the dining room table, seeming inappropriate for such an interview. The small party seemed completely engrossed in the conversation that they did not take notice to my slight intrusion. Mr. Bennit, who according to Sarah had a most abundant reputation in town, spoke in a manner one could only describe as agreeable and pleasant. Either he truly was a sensible man, or he was using wit and charm to win over the hearts of my beloved parents. The attitude in which he sat gave off only the shadow of his profile. His features seemed simple and plain and his mien was respectable. Mr. Bennit did not slouch and kept his hands crossed on the surface of the table.

It was then that I noticed the documents under his laced fingers. I assumed they were details of what the employment entailed—as much that can be documented. The rest can only be given by word of mouth when we as a family decide the boy can be trusted. With a family as concealed as the Harrison’s naturally are, discretion is a must. That seems silly, considering Sarah would be the last person in Europe who’d fit that description. However, she has proven herself very worthy of being in our home time and time again. Sarah has made it her job to know everyone and what they are doing each and every day. This man that Mr. Bennit is pretending to be may not be the best choice.

My mother turned away from Mr. Bennit and caught my eye. It is very improper to peer in on other’s conversations, but I had every intention of joining their party when I felt my presence would be necessary. Mrs. Harrison did this for me by excusing herself to come see me. Her face was in high spirits as she approached but then it fell when she was in the light.

“My dear, you look positively pale. Do you feel ill?” Instinctively she reached a hand up to my forehead and then my cheeks.

“The subject on my complexion is always in need of being spoken, is it not, madam? You can not expect me to have rosy cheeks and sun touched skin when I remain indoors each and every day. My pallor therefore can not be helped.”

Mrs. Harrison’s hand dropped to her side. “Very well, Becky. Do come join us. You are every bit a part of this as we are.”

The thought of having to be in a room with that man seemed positively dreadful. I would have to feign a smile and converse with both my parents and Mr. Bennit and I was not in the proper mood to do so. They would turn him away, just like they had all the others. There was no initial point in my being present. “Mama, please. I do not wish to. I believe I hear a book calling my name from the library.”

“Rebecca, stop this. He seems suited enough to take the job.”

“Rebecca Harrison…” said I in a smaller voice. “Come to me, Becky.”

Mrs. Harrison sighed. “Very well.”

jayleighsmith wrote: My parents’ efforts and pocket change will only be wasted.

I suggest just using money here. Pocket change sounds very out of place. I understand that you are using it just to describe that the family is very wealthy without actually saying it, but writing just money will work as well. Maybe my parents old money will only be wasted.

That was Sarah, my maid. She traveled with us and was sworn into secrecy. She was hired shortly after I was born to aid my mother in taking care of me while in infancy despite my being an only child and my mother having little tasks around our home. However, as I grew my mother needed her more than ever. Sarah is like a second mother, or an older sister that I was never obliged to possess.

I liked this paragraph, but the only thing I would change would be the first sentence. It sounds out of place in context with the rest of your story. Have at the end of the dialogue called Sarah, my maid.

Miss Becky, you must enquire about him.

I don't like the structure of this sentence. I just feels wrong. Its the enquire, which I think is the problem word in this sentence. Miss Becky, you must ask me about him. Tell us about the excitement Sarah has about his gentlemen. I can hear it in her voice, in the casual way she speaks to Becky, but others may not.

After being fully dressed, I sat at my vanity. Sarah picked up my silver hair brush and slowly began untangling the disarray that was my(insert hair colour here) hair.

“Oh, I cannot bare this silence between us any longer. Come. Pray, tell me everything you know about the mysterious man come to see me any my parents.”

Bare should be bear. Plus you need to decide whether or not you use Come or Pray. They mean the exact thing. Or maybe have the Come at the start of the disalogue. I notice as well you left out a 'who has' in the last sentence, and you wrote 'come to see me any my parents, which doesn't make sense. My sugguestion: " Sarah, come. I cannot bear this silence between us any longer. Pray, tell me everything you know about the mysterious man who has come to see my parents.

“T’was what I heard from the very reliable, Miss Dashwood.”

You don't need a comma there.

“Mr. Bennit is a man who is unknown to our family intimately. He may be smart and is certainly fickle. What an excellent candidate Brilliant.”

I don't quite understand the last sentence here. Did you need to put a full stop in between candidate and brillant?

Richard Bennit sat across from my mother and father at the dinning room table, seeming inappropriate for such an interview.

Dining, not dinning.

The small party seemed completely engrossed in the conversation that they did not take notice to my slight intrusion. Mr. Bennit, a man that had a most abundant reputation in town, spoke in a manner one could only describe as agreeable and pleasant.

This paragraph insinuates that Becky already knows Mr. Bennit, when all she knows about him is from other people's gossip. I would suggest changing this around, using words such as apparently to descibe what Becky knows of Mr. Bennit.

Okay. Sorry for such a picky review. But I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece, and you've got an amazing writing style. It kept me captivated the whole entire way through, and I can't wait to read more. I just hope that you post more soon, otherwise I'll have to glue you to your computer until you do.

From this I can establish a few things:

1. Obviously a historical setting. I can't grip the time period exactly, and nor the location (that adds to the mystery, more later), but I love the way you write with old language mixed in with modern where necessary. That's what keeps me interested. I love historical novels, but I can't stand it when its all in modern language, because I can't imagine the world the writer has created for me.

2. There is a mystery behind the Harrison family. We know they are rich, as they can afford to move around a lot. And they move around because of Becky. I like how we don't know why or anything about this - it's what kept me interested the whole way through. The only problem is, I can start to see how the story is going to pan out, so be careful you don't fold into the cliche of girl meets boy, girl hates boy, they spend too much time together, girl falls in love with boy but doesn't want to admit it.

3. The location may be Ireland. I'm not sure why I think this, but that is the impression I get when reading this. Especially with the name Becky.

4. Though she never ventures far away from home, Becky is quite upset about being trapped inside the confines of her 'home' all the time. I feel like there's internal conflict there that you can use to your advantage as well.

The only other thing I have is descriptions. You've given us a good idea of what's happening, through the dialogue and such, but you need to be a bit more descriptive. Describe the room where she's having a bath. Describe what she sees around her, Sarah, Mr. Bennit, her parents. A bit more description, and this would be near perfection. I would definitely pick it up. I really like historical stuff, and this is the first one that I've come across on the sight which is worth the read. Keep it up!!

Austenite, thank you so much for your review. You have no idea how much I just went, "oh crap" in my head while reading it. Everything you pointed out, I have been struggling with. I think the reason I've been able to captivate the old way of speaking is because I've been addicted to Jane Austen for the past month and a half...which has disrupted my writing greatly. It's hard, harder than I thought, to write completely the way they use to. Maybe that is because I'm so use to talking like I have never had a legitimate education.

As far as descriptions, I tried to keep things vague. I want to leave as much as possible to the imagination. You said it yourself, you came up with Ireland, which made me really excited. You were able to come up with that on your own. Since this is only the first chapter, it very well could be set in Ireland. However, I was headed more towards London. But who knows, you may have inspired me. If I ever am too vague, please stop me and have me write about the weather or something. I am very capable of doing so.

girl meets boy, girl hates boy, they spend too much time together, girl falls in love with boy but doesn't want to admit it.

Trust me, I saw that going there as well. A plot favorite of mine, sadly I must admit. I am steering away from that however. Keep in touch to see where it goes. It will definitely not fit the above story line.

Thank you again. You were extremely helpful.

Hello friend, Flower here as requested. I really enjoyed reading this piece. I think you did well at writing in such an old fashion, I know how difficult that must have been.

One thing that I noticed, and I know you explained this above, is the lack of description. I can see how you expect people just to imagine some things in the story, but I think you should have given more description to your main character. You give little details of other people, like the maids eyes, but your main character has no appearance. Just letting us know the color of her hair would be more helpful.

I think it flowed very well together, and I am very intruiged in learning why she is in hiding. I also noticed that you comented above that you are going away from the girl meets boy and falls in love thing, so I am curious in that aspect to learn what happens. I feel like this story has great potential to lead to something new and fantastic.

The only other thing I can comment on, is I saw some grammatical mistakes, nothing large, and they may have been commented on above. Other than that this is a very nice piece.


-Flower-

Hello there! I'm here to present you with the most wonderful review. Well, not exactly the most wonderful of all, but a good one none the less!

It's hard for me to really say too many good things about this thus far, not because it's bad but because I don't know what's going on and I don't have a full picture of the story. Which is also one of the things I'm going to review. So I'll just start in on that bit, now?

When I first started this I wasn't sure if this was the first chapter or not because it starts in such a random place. And then she goes on and on about her parents and such. Think about it, when you meet someone first in real life, you don't know everything about them, so why learn everything about them in novels? Things need to happen in progressions. You tell us she needs to be protected, she's the reason for this, all that - which is sudden enough, but not just that, you also never explain why and just keep teasing us with it, but it's much less of a mystery and much more of an annoyance.

The chapter itself didn't really seem to be about anything. I'm not sure if it's cut off in the middle, or what, but you really didn't have a scene flow to it. Beginning, middle, end; conflict, resolution. Since nothing really happens, it's a bit boring. Additionally, we're not very properly introduced to your characters, conflict, what have so it's hard to be interested in whatever is going on wit them. And since you only vaguely describe whatever this guy is getting interviewed for and never explain it - well, that doesn't help your situation. Chapter one isn't the place to have a lot of question marks, unless they're good hook question marks. You want to catch hold of your reader, not let them go, make them turn the page - but leave them with too many questions and there isn't even enough to hold their interest.

“Rebecca, stop this. He seems suited enough to take the job.”

“Rebecca Harrison…” said I in a smaller voice. “Come to me, Becky.”

Mrs. Harrison sighed. “Very well.”

This bit of dialogue didn't make much sense to me, at least, the middle line. I'm not sure what's going on here.

Oh, and also, at first I thought they might be interviewing for a marriage or something, the way her made said she should inquire about him. You might want to make it not seem like that because then I'm left wondering why someone of upper-class would marry - honestly, so much as associate with - a man with no money who sleeps with whores. Just doesn't seem right given their strict ideas of class structure in the Victorian era. (I'm going to assume Victorian.)

Sorry this review wasn't very well put together. My thoughts were jumbled, but I had thoughts! in small points 1. Have some action, make something happen! Give us a conflict, hook us, draw us in. 2) introduce your character better, don't make it seem like we've jumped into the middle of her life crisis 3) explain the situation as whole a better. Er. Yes. Hope all that helps!