The Dreamkeepers: Chapter 1

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One, two, three.

I counted the number of times my feet bounced off the side of the Empire State Building. I leaned my head back against my little hiding spot and closed my eyes. My thoughts flashed, and I was no longer on a ledge on the Empire State building. There was a flash of platinum blond in the trees-Thorne- and then it was gone. Then came a deafening crack as her goldenwood staff made contact with the head of a Nightmare that promptly evaporated. I came back to Earth with a small gasp.

Four, five, six.

I didn't move at all. I mean, not even shifting my weight. I just sat on my ledge and let everything in my thoughts sink into the concrete. I could barely catch a glimpse of Ashton's brown curls at the top of a thin black tree. He drew back on his bow, an oak arrow nocked. A sharp twang, and the Nightmare below him disintegrated. I opened my eyes slowly, carefully.

Seven, eight, nine.

I heard an almost inaudible scraping, and then an even more quiet fwump as someone landed beside me. Someone who went by the name of Jesse. Jesse's turquoise eyes cut through the night, the city lights glinting off the two blades twirling around in his hands. He lunged, and the Nightmare in his path faded away just as Jesse's douleblade sliced it in half diagonally. I shivered and rubbed circles into my upper arms with my thumbs.

Ten, eleven, twelve.

"Letta. What's up." He didn't even say it as a question- he wasn't asking, he was demanding. I could almost feel the concern bearing through his turquoise eyes. I opened my own pair, of a pale silver, and turned my head toward him.

"Tough battle today." I said, barely letting my voice go above a breath. He did the same as he breathed my name. I wouldn't let anyone except him, Thorne, and Ashton say my name like that, just Letta. Usually, I was Sparky, a name created by my knack for fire. The last two syllables of my actual name, Scarletta, made up the only other name I would go by.

I dashed through the park, sword drawn. Air whipped by on either side of me, as I had kept my jacket zipped up. I spotted a Nightmare, with its indefinite edges, blue black body, and glowing, orb like yellow eyes. As I approached it, its appearance changed; a long tan coat, twisted smile, bloodstained fingers, long black hair. My body wanted to race up the nearest tree, but I let out a feral snarl and stabbed the Nightmare through the heart, both hands on the hilt, arms overhead. I broke out of my thoughts with an inaudible whimper.

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.

Jesse squeezed my shoulder. I could feel each muscle ripple, and shivered at how earlier tonight, those same muscles had gripped the doubleblade that had destroyed a Nightmare. Me and Jesse were forced back to back, taking advantage of the leverage to slice and dice the oncoming hoard of Nightmares. Each one was different. A tan coat there, an old man with haunted eyes here, etc, etc. I rolled my head around.

Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen.

"Sparks. C'mon. We've gotta get back to the Haven." he whispered in my ear. I groaned. I slithered up the wall silently, knowing the others were just a few feet above. I needed peace, and my ledge gave that.

"Why? I like it up here." I said, gesturing vaguely to the city below.

Nineteen, twenty, twenty-one.

"Because we're the Dreamkeepers, Sparky. We need to recharge. We literally killed every Nightmare in New York today." I half glared at him and weakly thumped his blond head. I immediately winced, though, when the motion pulled at my sore arms. Hey, swords like mine aren't weightless. As I tucked my legs in for a roll, my sword grazed my forearm. I swore. That was a rookie mistake! I couldn't get sloppy now! I dropped the chastising as my the roll ended its course, and I sprang at the nearest Nightmare.

Twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-fo-

Jesse picked me up and climbed up the wall with me slung across his back.

"Hey!" I yelped, instinctively grabbing at the hilt of my sword to ensure it was still there. Thank God; it was, still slipped in the black sheath strapped onto my waist with a strip of leather tied across my torso, shoulder to opposite hip. It's easier to put on and take off than it sounds, I promise.

I glowered at the back of his head. Unlike most girls, I was not swooning over the muscles beneath me, or the reflection of the aquamarine eyes (or the playful smirk), or the blond locks in front of me. If we weren't so high up, I probably would've kneed his back and twisted out of his grip. Instead, I blew a black lock out of my face and bonked his shoulder with my forehead.

"Jerk." I said, scrambling off his back and onto the rooftop.

"Watch it, Sparks, I'm still the one with a doubleblade."

"And I'm still the one with a sword. Watch yourself, Jess." I warned, shouldering my messenger bag. I would have used a backpack- more practical- but the strap of the messenger bag covered the strap that fastened my sword to my waist. The sword itself was invisible to the human eye, sheath and all. Concealment was vital when we were in the human world.

Thorne shrugged herself off the edge of the roof and headed our way, the corners of her mouth twitching, threatened by a smile. She untwisted the bun at the back of her head, letting her white blond braid tumble down her back. Like mine, her hair reached almost halfway down her back. Her emerald eyes flickered to Jesse's doubleblade, making sure it was hidden well enough in the folds of his jacket, and then to Ashton, who was on top of a skylight, probably about to do something incredibly stupid.

She picked up her staff. I had always liked the weapon of choice for her, as I did the others. Thorne's staff was long and thin- like her- made of a very dark gold, with, what else, thorny ivy carved around it, so it looked like golden vines had twined around it. It may have looked like just a fancy stick, but we knew better. That fancy stick could move at frightening speeds, and could do just about anything.

Ashton saw her threatening move and said, "Wait, wait, just check this out!" He slowly slid a pair of shades over his eyes.

"I wear my sunglasses at night." he said suavely, earning him three "Really, Ash? REALLY?!" looks. He hung his head and stepped off the skylight glumly. He slid his bow and quiver onto his back. His bow was made of a cherry wood and carved with stars and moons; quite a good representation of what he did, and when.

Jesse slapped his back and led us over to the Entrance, where we would cross over to Somnium. In Somnium, we were the equivalent of soldiers. Except we were an elite team, trained like nothing you would believe, teenaged, and had extremely precarious relations with the government. Before he let us through the door, he pulled his doubleblade out a little more so everyone would know who he was.

Jesse's doubleblade is easily one of the most dangerous weapons out of all of ours. Black steel handle, two curved, plain silver steel blades coming out of either end. It's deadly fast and deadly sharp, and not something whose power you question. He had refused having it carved with anything; "It messes with the aerodynamics," he had said. The only decoration he had allowed was a tiny black star on the point of each blade, proving his status.

I, myself, was the proud owner of possibly the best sword in the world. Black hilt, amethyst inlaid pommel, curling script wrapping around the purple-edged blade... it's razor sharp and can slice through the air at Lord knows how fast. Of course, like each of our weapons, there's a tiny black star at the end, to match the tiny black star tattoo on the back of our necks.

I smiled and fondled the pommel of my sword and followed Jesse through to Somnium.

When we first crossed into Stellaluna Avenue, there was a stunned silence. Then, in one big burst, every man, woman, and child broke into roaring cheers and applause.

"The blond headed boy can kill off a dozen Nightmares at once, all by himself!"

I looked over to Jesse with round eyes and whispered, "Oh, wowzees! And he gets his butt whupped every day by a girl!"

"The boy with the curly brown hair and the hazel eyes? Yeah, he can shoot a man in the heart from half a mile away!"

Jesse snorted. "Oh, pleeease. You know Ashton prefers to shoot small woodland creatures." he muttered out of the side of his mouth.

"The girl with the green eyes can make a grown man cry!"

Ashton snickered. "Yeah, all she has to do is try to cook!"

Thorne whipped around. "Heard that, Curly!"

"The black haired girl can fight off a whole pack of buff dudes!"

"Yeah, and she's hot!"

Every person in our team fell silent at the latter statement. Jesse's eyes flashed dangerously. He walked steadily over to the two boys discussing my creds and said sharply, "She can also fight off her fanboys quite well." They both whimpered and backed away. I rolled my eyes.

"Always one for theatrics, our Jess." I said, pulling him by the elbow into the waiting SUV. None of us buckled in; it was more of a hinderance than a help.

And so, we rolled off, away from screaming fans and Somnium citizens, and towards the Haven.
Last edited by NinjaCookieMonster on Mon Jun 14, 2010 1:43 am, edited 2 times in total.
hey, Jude, don't make it bad
take a sad song and make it better
remember to let it into your heart
then you can start
to make it better.

~make books, not war~

"Not vampires, fish from space."




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Your the winner of my "i-feel-like-reviewing-so-lets-look-at-the-pieces-with-zero-comments" contest. :lol: Your prize? A review. Okay, so it's not much, but it's something, right?

So Ill start off with some general comments, and then move into the specifics, although I am not the best with nitpicks, so you won't see many of those.

I loved how you wrote the beginning with the action between the counting off of the "beats", it really makes this piece a little different from the others right from the start. Your characters all seem to have unique personalities, and reading the brief interplays between those personalities was interesting.

Now comes the word any fantasy writer dreads to hear - cliche. I am sure you realize this, but the whole "teenage-warriors-facing-the- supernatural-to-save-the-mortal-world" bit has been done and overdone. Frankly, the fact that this is slightly cliche doesn't bother me all that much. As a fantasy writer myself, I know how hard it can be to write something without any cliches. You just really have to be conscious of the cliches you are using, and try really hard to combat them with the most originality possible.

Let's talk about the descriptions of the weapons for a minute. I am not a weapons expert by any means, and as such, I was confused descriptions. To the point where I actually skimmed over them, which obviously isn't good. I have two suggestions for this. The first is to spread the descriptions out over the first few pages/chapters. That way it will give your reader a break from the sometimes difficult visualization. The second is to make your descriptions more relateable and familiar. One way I like to do this is to use a smilie, which is basically a comparison using like. (ex: the sword blade was like a whip frozen in mid-arc)

The rest of my review will focus on the one big tip I have for you, which in a word is clarity. There were some confusing bits in this piece. I'll point them out below along with some suggestions as to how to fix them.

I counted the number of times my feet bounced off the side of the Empire State Building. I leaned my head back against my little hiding spot and closed my eyes.

I really am confused as to where exactly your MC is? Can one dangle there legs off the Empire State Building? My intuition says no. I feel like that would be a safety hazard. If she is in some nook only she and her friends can reach, I think you need to state that.


I heard an almost inaudible scraping, and then an even more quiet fwump as someone landed beside me. Someone who went by the name of Jesse.

"Someone who went by the name of Jesse," seems really stilted. It seems that that description is needlessly long, you could just go with "It was Jesse."

He did the same as he breathed my name. I wouldn't let anyone except him, Thorne, and Ashton say my name like that, just Letta.

I get what you are trying to say here, that when Jesse says your MC other name (Letta), he uses the same tone and reverence your character just used. I also understand the point your trying to make about that name (Letta) being different, special. However, this sentence is awkward, and it doesn't really do a good job of communicating those things. I would try reworking to see if you could come up with something better.


"Sparks. C'mon. We've gotta get back to the Haven." he whispered in my ear. I groaned.

Comma after Haven instead of a period.

I half glared at him and weakly thumped his blond head.

I am having trouble picturing this action in my head, perhaps a different verb from thumped would work better? Also, did she "thump" him with her hand?

Hey, swords like mine aren't weightless.

To tell you the truth, side comments to the reader, like this one, are really jolting for me. They take me out of the experience of your novel. I would just omit them all together. In this case, that is easily done by taking out the word, hey.

Thank God; it was, still slipped in the black sheath strapped onto my waist with a strip of leather tied across my torso, shoulder to opposite hip. It's easier to put on and take off than it sounds, I promise.

Woah! That's allot of words in that first sentence, and to me, they don't really make sense. I would rework that description to shoot for more clarity, because I am having trouble picturing it as is. The second sentence is another side comment, and this one can be fixed my nixing the words I promise.

Unlike most girls, I was not swooning over the muscles beneath me, or the reflection of the aquamarine eyes (or the playful smirk), or the blond locks in front of me.

This is another really long sentence; I would take out a couple of the "ors'". As well as some other minor edits. So it would read like this:
Unlike most girls, I was not swooning over the muscles beneath me, or the reflection of the aquamarine eyes in the glass before me. Nor was I falling for his playful smirk or his blond locks
That's just one way that you could edit it to make it sound more cohesive. Though, I am still not entirely happy with the way I have it. I am sure there is a better option. I tried to find a good article on parralism to give you, which is using the same sentence structure in lists, but no such luck. :(

Also, is Jesse scaling a building? That obviously is not a normal human ability. You might what to expand on that somewhere in this piece for clarity.

She picked up her staff. I had always liked the weapon of choice for her, as I did the others.

I would change the second sentence to "I had always liked her weapon of choice, as I did the others." Its smoother I think.

I have already mentioned the weapons' descriptions, so I don't I will talk about the specifics there. Overall, I would just reread them and make sure they are as clear as possible.

Ashton saw her threatening move and said, "Wait, wait, just check this out!" He slowly slid a pair of shades over his eyes.

Is the threatening move Thorne picking up her stick? That is not made entirely clear.

Except we were an elite team, trained like nothing you would believe, teenaged, and had extremely precarious relations with the government.

The "and had" part of this sentence is really throwing me off, perhaps if you changed "and had" to "with"? I think that clears the problem up nicely.

Every person in our team fell silent at the latter statement.

I would use last instead of latter, it sounds less stilted.

Overall, your prose flows really nicely, it has a good rhythm to it. I especially like the relationship between your characters and your dialogue is well thought out and has allot of life to it. If you just clear up a few places for clarity, I think you will have the start of something great on your hands.

Well, that's it! Hope it was a good enough prize for you, and I really hope it helped. Sorry it was so long. Feel free to PM for anything.

Happy Writing,
-Turquoise




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Okay I don't have enough time for a reveiw but i'll be back. What can I say... WOW! Are you really only tweleve? That was amazing, it was really interesting and writen smoothly. I could hev been reading a really novel! Thanks!
"Characters cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." Helen Keller




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I like the promise of the story ahead, but I didn't like the fawning people in the Somnium. It almost seems as if, if these people did that duty every night, they'd try to avoid the "fanboys" in the Somnium all together because it'd get tiring.

If it was ommited entirely, it wouldn't even change the story, because the disjointed conversations and shout outs made no sense. Instead, you can forshadow, as you did, which was brilliant, and then have a flash back from Letta's point of view as she stared down at the city. In this flash back you could take up Rose's suggestion and take away the blocky info dump of their weapons, but describe them as they attacked:

Thorne twirled to the left, her thin staff whirling through the air, the dim light of the room flashing off the white snaky designs of ivory carved into the sturdy dark gold wood.

Also, the quick succession of added characters threw me off. I had to reread the introductions to each new character. Especially Thorne's - she was unexpectedly a female.

Other than that, good start.

- Jai
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.



no i prefer gay chaos
— hop