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Love Has No Boundaries-Ch-2



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Wed May 26, 2010 10:16 am
MiaParamore says...



Chapter-2

The train was moving to and fro, giving me jerks now and then. I pressed my head against the window, and scrunched shut my eyes for a second. The heat had finally gotten best of me. The trees and the fields flew in front of my eyes as the tortoise train finally increased its speed. The air was no doubt still hot, but now it had a bit of coolness submerged in it.

The couple was still chatting with each other, and to be honest, I didn’t get gist of their conversation, even though they were speaking in Hindi. Hot waves entering through the window swirled around me, and I felt a lot of pressure around my neck. After sometime I saw Kritika savaging for some thing in her purse with a frowning face.
“What happened?” I asked her. She looked at me.
“Nothing, Ananya. I was just trying to find ladoos which my mom prepared for us.” She smiled, revealing her perfect white teeth. I still remember the pain I had to endure when I was getting my braces. How lucky are those people who are gifted with perfect teeth! Finally she took out a steel container.

“Wow! Ladoos? That’s so great. My mom also makes them, though it has been some time.” I couldn’t hide my happiness from the newly-wed couple as I imagined the orange colored round sweet.

“You can have these.” She brought forward the steel container having the world’s most precious item. Ladoos!

“That’s so nice of you, Kriti. I can call you Kriti?” I took a ladoo from the container and shoved it into my mouth. The taste of it lingered in my mouth as I broke it into pieces with my teeth, which once had the honour of wearing braces. Kritika nodded in response to my question but I had forgotten all about it. I was busy taking in the sweetness of my favourite sweet. “They are yummy, Kriti. Delicious!” I exclaimed once the ladoo was inside my stomach for digestion.
“Thanks. I won’t forget to tell my mother.” She smiled. Her husband all this while was silent, just glaring at both of us. I categorized him into the non-speaking types.
“Where do your parents live?” I asked. Kritika’s wide smile narrowed and her eyes started sparkling. It was later that I realized she was crying. New brides in India are always in this state. I could never bring myself to understand why do always girls have to move from their parents’ house? Why not boys?
“They live in a village in Haryana.” She replied silently, as she shunned away eye contact and bent down her face.
“Wow! Living in a village must’ve been adventurous. I always had a blast when I went to my grandma’s.” I said, trying to soothe up the situation a bit. It worked. She finally looked up and then passed a smile, though a weak one. The boy all this while looked at his wife with concern, and once passed me a glance full of boiling hot anger. I just asked a question! I didn’t kill anyone. Don’t look at me as if you’ll eat me up.
“Do you want more?” She asked, now more relaxed.
“You’re tempting me,” I smiled and then picked up another. After that, she took back the container and then offered her husband.
“So what it is that you do, Lakshya?” I asked getting too pricky. This couple was just intriguing me.
The boy swallowed the ladoo and then a faint smile spread across his visage. “I am still completing my MBA degree.” So he was older than I thought.
“That’s nice. And what about you, Kritika?” I used her full name, rather than the nickname I had given her minutes ago.
“I am doing my graduation in science. I would then do M.Sc. That’s the plan till now,” she replied.
“If you got married today as you say, then why are you in the train? Shouldn’t you be with your families?” I asked them. Kritika thought something for a while and then took a deep breath.
“Our flight leaves tomorrow afternoon so we couldn’t wait longer,” she replied.
After I had bothered them with my silly questions, I returned back to my reading.
The dusk was approaching and the sun started shimmering in orange rather than yellow. The sky was deep in orange hue within the next fifteen minutes, and the birds were making beeline towards their nests. I was feeling so sorry for myself; the birds could go back to their house and sleep comfortably.
Kritika was fast asleep on her husband’s shoulder while he read one of his MBA books. He flipped through the pages recklessly, unsure of what to exactly read. I got up and switched on the light after all I could see was coal-like blackness of the sky. He looked up as soon as the light blinked into his eyes and then smiled to say ‘thank you’.

People can survive through a long journey, but when there are only minutes left for it to get over, they become restless. And so was I. Six a.m. in the morning and only fifteen minutes for me to reach my destination. The couple was lost in dreamland while I packed up my bags. I wanted to bid them adieu but I didn’t feel right to wake them up. We had had quite a chat the previous night and they had become my friends. They were approximately of my age, so our views matched. I stood up to stretch a bit; my muscles were aching from the long journey.
“You up?” Kritika asked me. I turned back myself to find her tying her hair into a ponytail. She didn’t look as beautiful as she had been in the beginning, but still was still pretty enough to catch everyone’s attention. Her lipstick had smudged and she looked like a plain doll now.
“Yeah! My stop comes in fifteen minutes. Now fourteen,” I said looking at my watch.
“Very funny!” she exclaimed.
“May I have your number? Or email id? Or are you on Facebook?” I wanted to stay in contact with her.
“We haven’t shifted yet so I don’t have a phone number or mobile number. But I am on Facebook. And also, you can give me you number. I’ll call you when I get mine fixed,” she said with a smile. I took out a notepad and a Parker pen from my purse and then scribbled my mobile number for her. I tore the page and handed it to her.
“Thank you. You won’t forget us, will you?” She asked me and I shook my head. After this, she slided the page into her purse. Then her husband growled a bit as he realized that sun was almost on its top. He rubbed his eyes and then looked at both of us, still a bit confused and muzzy.
“Why are you both standing?’” He asked as he adjusted himself in the seat.
“Ananya’s stop is coming, so she’ll be leaving. I just took her phone number.” She flashed her smile and then Lakshya raced his fingers through his jet black hair.
We both sat on the seats again as I still had ten minutes in my hands. The train paced down its speed and I saw people at distance from the train. Whenever you start seeing people, consider that the station is nearby. Then I remembered that there was a station before mine. A village, of course. In this area, there were only villages. Kritika was sitting next to me and her husband was on the opposite seat. We all were deep in silence. My head felt like someone was hammering it. I was a late sleeper; I always got up at seven or eight in the morning. But never six! As the moments passed by, the train got slower.
The train stopped at the station i you could call it so. There was hardly any thing to provide shelter and I couldn't see any office o any kind to indicate that it was a station. There was a rusty signboard reading the name of the village,'Kalindi'. The paint on the board was peeling.I turned my head to my right to see the world beyond the window, the world which I had been missing for almost a day now. I was expecting to see tanned women, with their veils drawn down, wearing colourful costumes, and carrying vessels full of water while doing a catwalk. If not this sight then maybe of children wearing the light blue shirts and navy blue lowers like children o\of government school wear, and carrying their school bags as they head towards their school, which was not going to be a building, but just a playground. Or that of men walking to their respective fields. But nothing of this sort greeted me.
The sight was horrifying and my blood started bubbling inside my veins. Few ugly, lusty and dirty men, wearing a disgusted look, carrying swords, walked towards our train. I could see turpitude in their eyes. They had a ferocious was of walking. It didn’t seem like they were men walking but clouds that were storming into the train. I looked at Kriti and then at Lakshya. They both started trembling and my heart began to palpitate.
“They have come,” I heard Kritika croon and burst into sobs.

~Shubhi
Last edited by MiaParamore on Thu Jun 03, 2010 5:56 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Wed May 26, 2010 2:53 pm
eldEr says...



Oh my goodness, I feel so accomplished! I got to this before it was too late! :D

shubhiloves2write wrote:Chapter-2

The train was moving to and fro, giving me jerks now and then. I pressed my head against the window, and scrunched shut my eyes for a second. The hotness heathad finally gotten best of me. The trees and the fields flew in front of my eyes, as the tortoise train finally increased its speed. The air was no doubt still hot, but now it had a bit of coolness submerged in it.

The couple was still chatting with each other, and to be honest, I didn’t get gist of their conversation, even though they were speaking in Hindi. Hot waves entering through the window swirled around me, and I felt a lot of pressure around my neck. After sometime I saw Kritika savaging for some thing in her purse frantically.
“What happened?” I asked her. She looked at me.
“Nothing Ananya. I was just trying to find ladoos which my mom prepared for us.” She smiled, revealing her perfect white teeth. I still remember the pain I had to endure when I was getting my braces. How lucky are those people who are gifted with perfect teeth. Finally she took out a steel container.

“Wow! Ladoos? That’s so great. My mom also makes them, though it has been some time.” I couldn’t hide my happiness from the newly-wed couple.

“You can have these.” She brought forward a steel container having the world’s most precious item. Ladoos!

“That’s so nice of you, Kriti. I can call you Kriti?” I took a ladoo from the container and shoved it into my mouth. The taste of it lingered in my mouth as I broke it into pieces with my teeth, which once had the honour of wearing braces. Kritika nodded in response to my question but I had forgotten all about it. I was busy taking in the sweetness of my favourite sweet. “They are yummy, Kriti. Delicious!” I exclaimed once the ladoo was inside my stomach for digestion.
“Thanks. I won’t forget to tell my mother.” She smiled. Her husband all this while was silent, just glaring at both of us. I categorized him into the non-speaking types.
“Where do your parents live?” I asked. Kritika’s wide smile narrowed and her eyes started sparkling. It was later that I realized she was crying. New brides in India are always in this state. I could never bring myself to understand why did always girlYou may want to switch this to "girls always" ;) move from her parents’ house? Why not boys?
“They live in a village in Haryana.” She replied silently, as she shunned away eye contact and bent down her face.
“Wow! Living in a village must’ve been adventurous. I always had a blast when I went to my grandma’s.” I said, trying to soothe up the situation a bit. It worked. She finally looked up and then passed a smile, though a weak one. The boy all this while looked at his wife with concern, and once passed me a glance full of boiling hot anger. I just asked a question! I didn’t kill anyone. Don’t look at me as if you’ll eat me up.
“Do you want more?” She asked, now more relaxed.
“You’re tempting me,” I smiled and then picked up another. After that, she took back the container and then offered her husband.
“So what it is that you do, Lakshya?” I asked getting too pricky. This couple was just intriguing me.
The boy swallowed the ladoo and then a faint smile spread across his visage. “I am still completing my MBA degree.” So he was older than I thought.
“That’s nice. And what about you, Kritika?” I took her full name, rather than the nickname I had given her minutes ago.
“I am doing my graduation in science. I would then do M.Sc. That’s the plan till now,” she replied.
“If you got married today as you say, then why are you in the train? Shouldn’t you be with your families?” I asked them. Kritika thought somethingYou don't really need the 'something' there, although it would be okay with it... for a while and then took a deep breath.
“Our flight leaves tomorrow afternoon so we couldn’t wait longer,” she replied.
After I had bothered them with my silly questions, I returned back to my reading.
The dusk was approaching and the sun started shimmering in orange rather than yellow. The sky was deep in orange hue by the next fifteen minutes and the birds were making beeline towards their nests. I was feeling so sorry for myself; the birds could go back to their house and sleep comfortably.
Kritika was fast asleep on her husband’s shoulder while he read one of his MBA books. He flipped through the pages recklessly, unsure of what to exactly read. I got up and switched on the light after all I could see was coal-like blackness of the sky. He looked up as soon as the light blinked into his eyes and then smiled to say ‘thank you’.

People can survive through a long journey, but when there are only minutes left for it to get over, they become restless. And so was I. Six a.m. in the morning and only fifteen minutes for me to reach my destination. The couple was lost in dreamland while I packed up my bags. I wanted to bid them adieu but I didn’t feel right to wake them up. We had had quite a chat the previous night and they had become my friends. They were approximately of my age, so our views matched. I stood up to stretch a bit; my muscles were aching from the long journey.
“You up?” Kritika asked me. I turned back myself to see her tying her hair into a ponytail. She didn’t look that beautiful as she had been in the beginning, but still she was enough pretty to catch everyone’s attention. Her lipstick had smudged and she looked like a plain doll now.
“Yeah! My stop comes in fifteen minutes. Now fourteen,” I said looking at my watch.
“Very funny!” she exclaimed.
“May I have your number? Or email id? Or are you at Facebook?” I wanted to be in contact with her.
“We haven’t shifted yet so I don’t have a phone number or mobile number. But I am at Facebook. And also, you can give me your number. I’ll call you when I get mine fixed,” she said with a smile. I took out a notepad and a Parker pen from my purse and then scribbled my mobile number for her. I tore the page and handed it to her.
“Thank you. You won’t forget us, will you?” She asked me and I shook my head. Then she slided the page into her purse. Then You used 'then' twice, maybe make this one sentence with an 'and' instead? her husband growled a bit as he realized that sun was almost on its top. He rubbed his eyes and then looked at both of us, still a bit confused and muzzy.
“Why are you both standing?’” He asked as he adjusted himself on the seat.
“Ananya’s stop is coming, so she’ll be leaving. I just took her phone number.” She flashed her smile and then Lakshya raced his fingers on his jet black hair.
We both sat on the seats again as I still had ten minutes in my hands. The train paced down its speed and I saw people at distance from the train. Whenever you start seeing people, consider that the station is nearby. Then I remembered that there was a station before mine. A village, of course. In this area, there were only villages. Kritika was sitting next to me and her husband was on the opposite seat. We all were deep in silence. My head felt like someone was hammering it. I was a late sleeper; I always got around seven or eight in the morning. But never six! As the moments passed by, the train got slower
The train stopped at a station and I turned my head to my right to see the world beyond the window, the world which I had been missing for almost a day now. I was expecting to see tanned women, with their veils drawn down, wearing colourful costumes, and carrying vessels full of water while doing a catwalk. If not this sight then maybe of children wearing the light blue shirts and navy blue lowers like children o\of government schools wear, and carrying their school bags as they head towards their school, which was not going to be a building, but just a playground. Or that of men walking to their respective fields. But nothing of this sort greeted me.
The sight was horrifying and my blood started bubbling inside my veins. Few ugly, lusty and dirty men, wearing a disgusted look, carrying swords, walked towards our train. I could see turpitude in their eyes. They had a ferocious was of walking. It didn’t seem like they were men walking but clouds that were storming into the train. I looked at Kriti and then at Lakshya. They both started trembling and my heart began to palpitate.
“They have come,” I heard Kritika croon and burst into sobs.




OVERALL

I really liked this! You have a truck-load of talent for writing! You description was good, as was your dialogue. I so wish I could write like this...
There were just a few odd things here and there that needed a bit of fixing up, but other than that it was amazing! Well done and thanks for the read!
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

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Wed May 26, 2010 2:57 pm
Kale says...



The train was moving to and fro, giving me jerks now and then.

The phrasing in this is a bit awkward and could be clearer. Right now, it's not clear in what direction the train is moving to and fro, or what kinds of jerking motions it's making. Basically, you need to use more descriptive verbs to describe the action. "The train rocked to and fro, jerking me around now and then" is one possibility. Using more descriptive verbs (in particular) will not only make your writing clearer; it will also make it more concise and easy to read.

it had a bit of coolness submerged in it

Interesting use of "submerged". I'm not sure it's entirely correct.

After some time

I saw Kritika savaging for something in her purse frantically

I'm not sure "savaging" is used properly here, either. In any case, the "frantically" is redundant as "savaging" implies speed and distress.

Nothing(comma) Ananya.

When you directly address someone in writing, you surround their name with commas.

Ex. "It's a lovely day, Sam."
"Well, Dan, it's a matter of opinion."
"What's wrong with cloudless days, Ann?"

Finally she took out a steel container.

When did she go back to searching for the container? I suggest changing "finally" to "A few minutes later, etc."

She brought forward the steel container which held the world’s most precious item: ladoos!

You've already mentioned a steel container, so unless there's a second one, refer to it as "the" instead of "a" so that it's clear that it's the same container.

Also, containers don't have something; they hold something. You also need a transition between Kriti's offering the container and what is inside it; "which" works best in this case.

which once had the honour of wearing braces.

This just struck me as out of place. Also, I'm wondering what exactly are ladoos? There's no real description of what they are aside from that they're a type of sweet. Since your Anyana likes ladoos so much, it wouldn't be far-fetched that she'd spend some time admiring the ladoos before eating it, which would give you an opportunity to describe what ladoos is.

inside my stomach for digestion

The "for digestion" struck me as a bit much.

I could never bring myself to understand why did always girl move from her parents’ house?

Awkwardly phrased. I suggest "I could never bring myself to understand why it was always the girl who had to move from her parents' house." It flows much better.

as she shunned away

To shun something means to push it away, so the "away" is redundant.

she took back the container and then offered her husband.

Offered her husband what? Insert and "it to" after the "offered".

I asked(comma) getting too pricky.

Pricky? I'm not familiar with that word.

After I had bothered them with my silly questions, I returned back to my reading

This doesn't work well as a transition. "Having finished bothering" is better. Also "back" is redundant because return means to go back.

She didn’t look as beautiful

Or are you on Facebook?

You can be on a website, but not at one because websites aren't physical locations.

Then she slid

The past tense of "slide" is "slid".

sun was almost on its top

? Did you mean that the sun was almost up?

As the moments passed by, the train got slower

You're missing punctuation at the end of this sentence.

while doing a catwalk

Catwalk? Catwalks are narrow walkways on ships, in theaters, and at construction sites. If you meant that the women walk like cats, then write out "while walking like cats".

o\of

I could see turpitude

"Turpitude" literally came out of nowhere. I suggest using "depravity". It's much more common and less likely to send your readers running for a dictionary.

way of walking

I heard Kritika croon

Crooning is soft and soothing, something a mother does to her baby. It's not something someone who is terrified generally does. "Whisper" is probably the word you should use here.

Overall, you need to work on your concision. Right now, you often have several words where one word would work better, and this can cause confusion. You also need to be careful that you're using words correctly. A dictionary is a good thing to have on hand, for this.

As far as the plot goes, about the only thing I can say is that it thickens. I do wonder who the men are and why they are boarding the train, and you picked a good spot to end the chapter at. You could use a bit of work transitioning between actions within the chapter itself, but otherwise, the pacing so far has been pretty good.
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Wed May 26, 2010 4:15 pm
Sins says...



Everyone's beaten me to this... :(
Well, Isha and Kyllorac have, anyway. They've covered, like, everything though. I'll try my best to find something!

I pressed my head against the window, and scrunched shut my eyes for a second. The heat had finally gotten the best of me.

You don't need the first comma in the first sentence.

The trees and the fields flew by in front of my eyes, as the tortoise train finally increased its speed.

You don't really need the comma in this either.

The couple were still chatting with each other, and to be honest, I didn’t get gist of their conversation, even though they were speaking in Hindi.


After sometime, I saw Kritika savaging for some thing in her purse frantically.

You should have written 'something' here, not 'some thing'.

How lucky are those people who are gifted with perfect teeth?


Her husband throughout this was silent, just glaring at both of us.


The boy was looking at his wife with concern, and once passed me a glance full of boiling hot anger.

I just thought that 'was looking' sounded better here. :)

“That’s nice. And what about you, Kritika?” I used her full name, rather than the nickname I had given her minutes ago.


The dusk was approaching and the sun started shimmering in orange rather than yellow. The sky was deep in orange hue within the next fifteen minutes, and the birds were making beeline towards their nests.

I really liked this description. :wink:

The couple were lost in dreamland while I packed up my bags.

Because you're talking about more than one person, you must use were instead of was.

I turned back myself to see her tying her hair into a ponytail.

I think you mean, 'I turned to see her tying her hair into a ponytail'. Thta sounds better and makes more sense. :wink:

She didn’t look as beautiful as she had been in the beginning, but still was still pretty enough to catch everyone’s attention.


I wanted to stay in contact with her.


“Why are you both standing?’” He asked as he adjusted himself in the seat.


She flashed her smile and then Lakshya raced his fingers through his jet black hair.


We both sat in the seats again as I still had ten minutes on my hands.


I was a late sleeper; I always got up around seven or eight in the morning.


If not this sight, then maybe of children wearing the light blue shirts and navy blue lowers like children o\of government school wear, and carrying their school bags as they head towards their school, which was not going to be a building, but just a playground.

This was a very long sentence! I think that you should try shortening it. :)

“They have come,” I heard Kritika croon and burst into sobs.

Great cliffhanger ending. 8)


Overall

I did manage to find some things to correct, thankfully! I thought that this was a really nice piece. I especially liked your cliffhanger on the end, that's what keeps the readers reading, after all. :wink: Like I've mentioned before, I really like some of the descriptions you use while writing. I pointed out one description that I especially liked. Your characters are also entertaining to read about and each one of them seem to have different personalities. Many writers fall into the trap of creating similar characters, which is boring. Thankfully, you don't seem to do this at all!

My main critique about this is the way you phrase some things. I've mentioned this before so I'm not going to go into detail about it. That would just be annoying, for you and for me. I'm also aware that English isn't your first language, so I don't expect you to be amazing at writing every single word correctly. I've corrected the areas where I noticed that you had phrased something awkwardly or used the wrong word. What I will say though is that you keep improving on this! Well done! :) When I first read a piece of work written by you, it was much harder to understand because of the way you phrased things. Although now, it is so much easier to read and understand. You've also improves a lot as a writer.

Hmm... I haven't got much else to say. Isha and Kyllorac have already said what I would have said. I guess that's it then... :lol: Sorry if I haven't been much help!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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Wed May 26, 2010 9:46 pm
Embee says...



Dang it! I got here too late again!

Hmmm, like everyone else, I like how you ended the chapter with a cliff hanger. I like how you give us insight into theses characters' lives through their dialogue, but it was a little too slow-paced for me. I do like the ending though, and I'm excited to see what happens. :smt003

I'm just guessing right now, but somewhere, someone doesn't want Kritika and Lakshya to be together. I think they're running away from something? Anyway, maybe you can hint at it a little more and show more of their unease?

That's all for now, good work!

Embee
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Thu May 27, 2010 5:14 am
Yuriiko says...



Hello there, Shubhi!

Some critiques have pretty covered up all those corrections and mistakes, so I won't bother to it already. :wink: Things that confuses and destroys the flow of your story is your usage of some words improperly. Some statements are awkward to read and doesn't have complete sense at all but thanks to Kyllorac and Skins for their corrections. :D As for the descriptions, I like how you portray things especially the heat, atmosphere, facial expressions and the things and people surrounding your MC. Your punctuation is good, I could see no mistakes for that. :D

Others:

“That’s so nice of you, Kriti. I can call you Kriti?
This sounded improper to read esp. when you just recently met someone and you're asking for a nickname.
Okay, you might want to rephrase that colored sentence.
"Can I call you Kriti?" would sound more courteous or proper to hear. Or "I can call your Kriti, right?" would sound okay too. Anyway, that's just a slight nitpick and a suggestion only. :wink:

Overall, I really liked this! And as everyone said, I too like the ending with a cliff hanger to it because in that way we would be more motivated or curious to read the continuation. Hope I helped.

keep up the good work!

Peace out!

_yuri_
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Thu May 27, 2010 5:48 am
Lava says...



Hey Shubhi!

Here as requested, and well, a little too late as people have given pretty good and thorough reviews.
So, just a few comments.
Personally, I like the idea of the ending, and how you decided to show it to us, from an outsider's POV. But, yes, you could work on it to make it much better.
New brides in India are always in this state. I could never bring myself to understand why did always girl move from her parents’ house?
Here, I think it would sound better to read if you skipped the first sentence.
I always got around seven or eight in the morning.
got up, you mean.
Few ugly, lusty and dirty men, wearing a disgusted look,
Okay, I'm guessing that the couple have a not-so-satisfied bunch of relatives opposing their marriage. And if they're these people coming toward with the swords, I wouldn't quite use 'lusty' as an adjective in this context. It would be more of anger or hatred. Something along those lines, yelling something would be better.
They both started trembling and my heart began to palpitate.
You can really work on this line, expand it. Try to include more of emotion and thoughts as the stations draws close and you see the sword carrying people.

Really good! You've improved heaps since you came here.
Cheers,
~Lava
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Sat May 29, 2010 4:07 pm
Rascalover says...



Hello,
Here as requested. Im so sorry it took me so long to review this, but my computer was broken and I didn't have access to another one. Anywho on to my small review because it seems as though you have gotten some amazing reviews. :)

I really like how much you have improved since the first time I read a story of yours. there seem to be fewer and fewer mistakes of the same kind, but I do have a question do you re-read your chapters before posting them? Cause that could also be a big help to lessening your mistakes because as a talented writer you can scope out your own mistakes and correct them. :)

Have a great day
Tiffany
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Wed Jun 02, 2010 7:08 am
MiaParamore says...



Thanks to everyone who reviewed the story. I wrote it in a haste so couldn't proof-read, though I'll keep that in mind from the next time.

Thankies! :D
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Thu Jun 03, 2010 8:08 pm
ArahniaSiddel says...



shubhiloves2write wrote:Chapter-2


The train was moving to and fro, giving me jerks now and then. I pressed my head against the window, and scrunched shut my eyes for a second. The heat had finally gotten best of me. The trees and the fields flew in front of my eyes as the tortoise train finally increased its speed. The air was no doubt still hot, but now it had a bit of coolness submerged in it.

The couple was still chatting with each other, and to be honest, I didn’t get gist of their conversation, even though they were speaking in Hindi. Hot waves entering through the window swirled around me, and I felt a lot of pressure around my neck. After sometime I saw Kritika savaging for some thing This should be one word. in her purse with a frowning face.

“What happened?” I asked her. She looked at me.

“Nothing, Ananya. I was just trying to find ladoos which my mom prepared for us.” She smiled, revealing her perfect white teeth. I still remember the pain I had to endure when I was getting my braces. How lucky are those people who are gifted with perfect teeth! Finally she took out a steel container.

“Wow! Ladoos? That’s so great. My mom also makes them, though it has been some time.” I couldn’t hide my happiness from the newly-wed couple as I imagined the orange colored round sweet. It should be like this: orange, round sweet. Colored makes me think of someone drawing not its color.

“You can have these.” She brought forward the steel container having This should be holding the world’s most precious item. Ladoos! We already know that she LOVES Ladoos, I don't like how you keep repeating it.

“That’s so nice of you, Kriti. I can call you Kriti?” I took a ladoo from the container and shoved it into my mouth. The taste of it You can take that out. It will sound better because we already know "it" is ladoos. lingered in my mouth as I broke it into pieces with my teeth, which once had the honour of wearing braces. Is it really relevent that she had braces? A quick way to say she didn't still have braces is: I broke it into pices with my now bracless teeth. Kritika nodded in response to my question but I had forgotten all about it. I was busy taking in the sweetness of my favourite sweet. "Sweetness" and "sweet" don't sound good together in the same sentence. You should replace one word. “They are yummy, Kriti. Delicious!” I exclaimed once the ladoo was inside my stomach for digestion.

“Thanks. I won’t forget to tell my mother.” She smiled. Her husband all this while was silent, just glaring at both of us. I categorized him into the non-speaking types.

“Where do your parents live?” I asked. Kritika’s wide smile narrowed and her eyes started sparkling. It was later that I realized she was crying. New brides in India are always in this state. I could never bring myself to understand why do always girls have to move from their parents’ house? Why not boys?

“They live in a village in Haryana.” She replied silently, I am not sure what you mean. If she replied how could she be silent? as she shunned away eye contact and bent down her face.

“Wow! Living in a village must’ve been adventurous. I always had a blast when I went to my grandma’s.” I said, trying to soothe up the situation a bit. It worked. She finally looked up and then passed a smile, though a weak one. The boy all this while looked at his wife with concern, and once passed me a glance full of boiling hot anger. I just asked a question! I didn’t kill anyone. Don’t look at me as if you’ll eat me up.

“Do you want more?” She asked, now more relaxed.

“You’re tempting me,” I smiled and then picked up another. After that, she took back the container and then offered her husband.

“So what it is that you do, Lakshya?” I asked getting too pricky. This couple was just intriguing me.

The boy swallowed the ladoo and then a faint smile spread across his visage. “I am still completing my MBA degree.” So he was older than I thought.

“That’s nice. And what about you, Kritika?” I used her full name, rather than the nickname I had given her minutes ago.

“I am doing my graduation in science. I would then do M.Sc. That’s the plan till now,” she replied.

“If you got married today as you say, then why are you in the train? Shouldn’t you be with your families?” I asked them. Kritika thought something for a while and then took a deep breath.

“Our flight leaves tomorrow afternoon so we couldn’t wait longer,” she replied.

After I had bothered them with my silly questions, I returned back to my reading.

The dusk was approaching and the sun started shimmering in orange rather than yellow. The sky was deep in orange hue within the next fifteen minutes, and the birds were making beeline towards their nests. I was feeling so sorry for myself; the birds could go back to their house and sleep comfortably.

Kritika was fast asleep on her husband’s shoulder while he read one of his MBA books. He flipped through the pages recklessly, unsure of what to exactly read. I got up and switched on the light after all I could see was coal-like blackness of the sky. He looked up as soon as the light blinked into his eyes and then smiled to say ‘thank you’.

People can survive through a long journey, but when there are only minutes left for it to get over, they become restless. And so was I. Six a.m. in the morning and only fifteen minutes for me to reach my destination. The couple was lost in dreamland while I packed up my bags. I wanted to bid them adieu but I didn’t feel right to wake them up. We had had quite a chat the previous night and they had become my friends. They were approximately of my age, so our views matched. I stood up to stretch a bit; my muscles were aching from the long journey.

“You up?” Kritika asked me. I turned back myself to find her tying her hair into a ponytail. She didn’t look as beautiful as she had been in the beginning, but still was still pretty enough to catch everyone’s attention. Her lipstick had smudged and she looked like a plain doll now.

“Yeah! My stop comes in fifteen minutes. Now fourteen,” I said looking at my watch.

“Very funny!” she exclaimed.

“May I have your number? Or email id? Or are you on Facebook?” I wanted to stay in contact with her. "Facebook" gives me a time frame. I wasn't sure before.

“We haven’t shifted yet so I don’t have a phone number or mobile number. But I am on Facebook. And also, you can give me you number. I’ll call you when I get mine fixed,” she said with a smile. I took out a notepad and a Parker pen from my purse and then scribbled my mobile number for her. I tore the page and handed it to her.

“Thank you. You won’t forget us, will you?” She asked me and I shook my head. After this, she slided slid the page into her purse. Then her husband growled a bit as he realized that sun was almost on its top. He rubbed his eyes and then looked at both of us, still a bit confused and muzzy.

“Why are you both standing?’” He asked as he adjusted himself in the seat.

“Ananya’s stop is coming, so she’ll be leaving. I just took her phone number.” She flashed her smile and then Lakshya raced his fingers through his jet black hair.

We both sat on the seats again as I still had ten minutes in my hands. The train paced down its speed and I saw people at distance from the train. Whenever you start seeing people, consider that the station is nearby. Then I remembered that there was a station before mine. A village, of course. In this area, there were only villages. Kritika was sitting next to me and her husband was on the opposite seat. We all were deep in silence. My head felt like someone was hammering it. I was a late sleeper; I always got up at seven or eight in the morning. But never six! As the moments passed by, the train got slower.

The train stopped at the station i I you could call it so. There was hardly any thing anything to provide shelter and I couldn't see any office oof any kind to indicate that it was a station. There was a rusty signboard reading the name of the village,You need a space between , and ' 'Kalindi'. The paint on the board was peeling.You need a space again. I turned my head to my right to see the world beyond the window, the world which I had been missing for almost a day now. I was expecting to see tanned women, with their veils drawn down, wearing colourful costumes, and carrying vessels full of water while doing a catwalk. If not this sight then maybe of children wearing the light blue shirts and navy blue lowers like children o\of is the o\ a mistake or . . . government school wear, and carrying their school bags as they head towards their school, which was not going to be a building, but just a playground. Or that of men walking to their respective fields. But nothing of this sort greeted me.

The sight was horrifying and my blood started bubbling inside my veins. Few ugly, lusty and dirty men, wearing a disgusted look, carrying swords, walked towards our train. I could see turpitude in their eyes. They had a ferocious was of walking. It didn’t seem like they were men walking but clouds that were storming into the train. I looked at Kriti and then at Lakshya. They both started trembling and my heart began to palpitate.

“They have come,” I heard Kritika croon and burst into sobs.


Besides the things I have pointed out already I have nothing to improve. I love it. I can’t wait for more, and the end of your chapter was at a perfect spot. I am wondering scenery you mentioned that she was looking forward to in the first chapter. She didn’t seem to care in the second chapter. I know this matter in the big scheme of things. :D Hope I helped.

A. S.
  





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Sun Jun 27, 2010 6:01 pm
Rosendorn says...



Hello Shubhi! Here as requested.

Nitpicks have pretty much been covered. I'd suggest proofreading the last three or so paragraphs; I spotted a few typos. (Your chapter 1 has also been covered, which is why I'm not reviewing it).

The first thing I noticed was the very quick character relationship formed between the couple and your MC. They become "friends" in all of twelve hours and one conversation. This isn't enough, in my opinion anyway, to form what can be called "friendship." The beginning of a friendship, maybe. If they find something in common, then, maybe. But you really need to focus on creating a connection between these two people. If anything, upon reading the discussion, I thought her husband wouldn't let his wife give or receive any information from your MC. Check out the Writing tutorials forum in the Knowledge Base for a bunch of articles about characters.

Your dialogue, also, could use some work. It doesn't feel too natural— try reading it out loud, see if you'd actually talk like that. Keep an ear on how people talk, and if you're on an IM service watch how you and your friends type out your sentences. It's a great way to learn dialogue. You can also check out this article on dialogue for more tips.

I found the descriptions to be a bit long-winded and, to be blunt, pointless. We're told what the setting looks like, yet the details you give never show up again. They're also in a huge block which makes readers want to skim it to reach the actual plot and action of the story. I will say I skipped the two paragraphs that opened chapter 1, and I didn't lose anything in the story. If a reader can and/or wants to skip descriptions in the story, then they're either in too much of a block or don't seem to hold any importance. I think you've got both cases here, just from looking at it. Break up your descriptions and cut out any detail that's not needed.

Overall, I found this whole thing forced. In chapter 1, your MC holds the ideal of doctors in her head and chastises her friend for not holding the ideal, implying that she is that ideal. This makes your character seem a bit too perfect to be realistic. Then, there's the dialogue between her and the couple; their "friendship" is forced in our face and it doesn't feel natural. Then there's how the wife is from a village in the province. I'm pretty sure that this woman is going to come back into play because of that. Plus the friendship— it gets to be a bit much. Work on making your characters believable, and the rest of the story will mostly fall into place.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.

#TNT powered reviews
  








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