Young Writers Society

My eyes fluttered open to twilight. My hand involuntarily rubbed my hip. I exhaled with relief when I felt fabric under my touch.

I sat up with a groan, my palm going to my forehead. The knight wasn’t anywhere to be seen— No doubt collecting payment. That left me alone for a short time, at least. I got up and began gathering wood for a fire. In the mean time, I hoped I could find a stream to wash my face and refresh myself. I wouldn’t try to look at my reflection in the water. That spell left my skin pale and ashen for days. But I was gaining practice. In two years, I’d used the spell five times. By my twenty-fifth birthday, I should have mastered the spell.

After going ten feet from camp, I heard hoofbeats resonate through the forest. I walked back and dumped the wood by my bedroll.

“Have you no concept of silence?”

He smiled at me. “You’re forgetting a knight can defend himself against anything.”

I snorted and raised an eyebrow. “Minus a dragon.”

“Nobody knows about that!” he snapped.

I chuckled deep in my throat and stretched. “So that’s what you’ve named me now? Nobody?”

“Quiet, S.” His voice was low. Too low. “Or we might not detour to your village on our way to the Capitol.”

My hand tightened around the stone I was placing to form a fire pit. Soon the tension passed and I was able to continue. S was supposed to stand for Slayer, but it had other meanings to me. I was looking forward to hearing my name in the village. “Lidia” was seldom heard by my ears now.

“They’ll get the payment?” I said hoarsely.

He nodded.

A knot in my chest undid.

He casually sat down and watched me. “Will you be staying behind, this time?”

I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. “Do I have a choice?”

A grin spread across my master’s face. “Not if they get paid for your services.”

My look turned to a glare. “Why did you even ask me to come with you? You were a plenty-famous knight before.” I was glad he was forgetful of my questions. I asked him that every time we went to the village. Eventually, I would learn completely why.

“See…” He leaned forward, lifting the hem of his shirt to show the ever-familiar scar on his abdomen. “I was tired of getting these. And, I figured, eventually dragons would run out if I kept slaying them. Now, the dragons are left on their own, their population can stay constant, and I’m the only one who can save all the villages from the big, bad, dragons.”

I swallowed. He knew I hated it when he talked about dragons like that. The smile spreading across his face told me so. After spending so much time in dragons’ minds, I had respect for them.

“He’d been reading that book on magic,” I murmured.

“What?”

“Nothing, Gentle Knight.”

His neck twitched. I lit the fire to keep my features smooth in concentration. If he had caught on that I only called him ‘gentle knight’ when I was mad at him, he didn’t show it.

He leaned back on his elbow, watching me get dinner ready. “I don’t believe I answered why I chose you, though.”

I shook my head and let him continue. He always said a little bit more each time he told the story.

“Your mother’s skills brought me to her. I believe you remember that?”

I snorted. “How could I forget a knight who was carried in because he was too weak to walk?”

The knight blushed deep red. “An ear to the people coming in and out made your skills known. At twenty, already knowing all herbs in the forest and creating new potions for them. Your Touch was legend to them. And after you, so carefully, had tended me, I believed it.”

I glanced at him and nodded, inviting him to continue. Part of me regretted ever touching him. I only put up with his dramatized story, no doubt set to pacify me, to figure out his mind. I was waiting for the part about my looks that usually came next.

“And they kept talking of how you could make stitches easier by making them sleep. About…” he trailed off, lost in thought.

My ears pricked. This was new.

The knight lifted his hand in the air, as if finally grasping his next thought. “About how you could, supposedly, put a dragon to sleep.”

Who said I hadn’t already? It had been a blue dragon, and I had just looked at the spell to communicate with them passed down from a traveling witch to me. Part of me was looking forward to seeing that dragon again.

“You had supposedly talked to a dragon. Taken the fear away from the villager’s hearts by telling him to not harm your people’s animals.”

I raised an eyebrow, making sure my back was to him. Was he trying to get me to admit I’d done this…?

“I have some memories of that, yes.”

I could hear his smooth chuckle. “I got to wondering if you could make my job easier. See, all that recovery time had given me plenty of time to think. I believe I’ve told you the rest.”

I gave a quick nod. My neck was tight from keeping my mouth clamped shut. I gave the meat a final turn.

“That’s why you offered the village so much, more than any dowry, for me?” I said coldly. “Because you figured I could make you the most successful dragon-slayer in the kingdom?”

“Of course.”

I shifted my jaw to one side, arms tensing involuntarily. “And the continuing payments?”

“Such a prize must be rewarded,” he said. I heard him shift positions. “Once I have enough to live my days comfortably, you will be free.”

My lip twitched. Every muscle in my body screamed to demand my freedom now. But the money ensured the village a safety reserve of funds, should another drought happen. We had just been recovering from one when he came.

There was a long moment of silence as I ate. I could smell the food clinging to my master’s clothing from his reward. Once my food was finished, I dug a shallow trench away from camp for the roasting spike, so the smell of it wouldn’t attract animals. When I returned, he was already in bed.

“You know how to increase the payment to your village.”

I glared at him and yanked out my bedroll. “You sleep alone.”

He turned over and I heard him mutter, “They’ll never believe your purity.”

“I don’t care,” I muttered back. I would know.

He was silent again. I turned over, trying to get comfortable. Part of me wondered if this would stay with me, even when I was back home. If I would be known in my village for the rest of my days as the dragon-slaying knight’s secret.

Or the knight’s slave.

Hey Rosey!

Of course I liked this, I mean who wouldn't? Dragons, tension, great dialogue, it has everything I love.

The only thing that bothers me is that you open up so many doors with this that you cease to fill. There are so many unanswered questions, so many things I want to ask. This is an unfinished story, an unfinished idea, in my mind. I didn't see an ending, I saw a new beginning. I think that's the way you intended it, but I hate it when things end like that, haha.

What I mean by opening up so many doors was that you mentioned a book. Okay, why would you mention it if you weren't going anywhere with it?

You mentioned the village, but we never see it? Why, just so that it would seem as though they had a destination?

With stories like these, stories that seem like they have no ending, it seems that writers do it so that readers can create the rest of the story in their minds. You gave me so unanswered specifics, I can't make it up in my mind. I have to stay along your straight path and wonder all these things... I don't know, it just bugs me!

But, your writing is great. You put so little description in there, yet the writing is still powerful and full. That is something I cannot and probably will never be able to do; you write naturally, like you don't even have to try and your readers can picture your characters. In this short story, I can picture the boy and the girl, their faces, their voices, ugh it's incredible.

Oh and one more thing, is the night her master? If so, I would clarify that because it seems as though there's three people and then one is lost.

Great writing!

Classy

Hi again, Rosey!

There were only two major comments that I really had with this part.

Firstly, I want to say that it is indeed a major, major improvement over the first part. I think you fixed a lot of the problems-the quick pace, lack of characterization, and confusing story-with this part. I was now able to sense a real connection between the knight and the narrator. I can tell they've known each other for a while and have really established a genuine relationship. The pace, and thus the story, was much easier to follow.

About my second comment, I agree with Sammi that this is unfinished. I really only sense it as a start to idea. I like how you mentioned the whole talking-to-dragons thing in this part, but you never really go into more detail about the power. You just have your characters bring it up briefly, and that is that.

You've got me interested in this story and these characters. Not really much happens throughout, but I think you did a job of setting up something more. That's really what this is. Okay, so the narrator has a promise of something other then the life he's living right now. He has a power. The knight is somewhat rude. Yeah, so? Try to think of threads that will give a memorable story to set these memorable characters.

Good luck revising, dear, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Elinor xo

Sorry Rosey, knew I said I would do this yesterday, but... well. Yeah.

I. NITPICKS

The knight wasn’t anywhere to be seen— No doubt collecting payment.

I don't... think that should be a capital N. I may be wrong.

In the mean time,

meantime, I believe, is one word.

I chuckled deep in my throat and stretched. “So that’s what you’ve named me now? Nobody?”

We're about to go into a paragraph a bit lower down about her name. It seems a little forced. Would it seem less so if you had her mutter or think "Wasn't Slayer bad enough?" and mention Lidia or something.

“Or we might not detour to your village on our way to the Capitol.”

Capitol or Capital?

“Lidia” was seldom heard by my ears now.

This is awkward.

“He’d been reading that book on magic,” I murmured.

He'd been?

Alright.

II. PLOT

To be honest, I have to say I was a little disappointed by this. You set yourself up for a really good story in the first part, and then here... well, it's just back story. Good back story, but back story nevertheless. Where's the plot gone? You tell us all this, they eat and go to sleep.

Well, that's an exciting ending.

It felt like you had this really good idea for a character in a certain situation, but then didn't know what to do with her. And trust me, I know how that feels. I've done it a hundred times. But look at the life you've created for Lidia. Choose a point in it and form the story around that. Here, you sort of show us the day, then go back and tell us how she got there. It would even be better the other way around, the knight talking about how they met, them defeating the dragon, then ending. The arc at the moment is sort of flat and a bit messed up.

III. OVERALL

Good for what it was, but I got the impression that there was much more behind it all that I wanted to see!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hey, Rosey! Sorry it took me so long. ^^ Been a busy weekend.

A knot in my chest undid.

This sounds... weird. Perhaps change it to something along the lines of "A knot in my chest loosened?

Eventually, I would learn completely why.

Again with awkward wording.

As for the story itself, I have to agree with everyone else. It would make a lovely beginning, but as a short story, it doesn't work. There are too many threads left hanging. It feels as though you're building up for a bigger/longer story. Personally, if you were to keep it at this length, you would need to do some serious reworking of to lessen the loose threads. Of course, there's always the option of expanding. I'm certainly curious to see what happens next(?).

Sorry this is so short, and basically pretty useless. xD Let me know if you have any questions!

Again, another good story. I liked the way you presented an insight into their history, the how and why your MC ended up working for a knight she doesn't like. I think you should try to work in somewhere to indicate that she's a girl earlier on- I had no idea until the last few lines, and that's usually pretty basic information readers like to know. Unless of course, you were leaving it open-ended on purpose, then I suppose that's different.

“He’d been reading that book on magic,” I murmured

He? Which he? Maybe it's just me, but I don't really get this comment.

I can't think of anything else. Have you read the 'Knight and Rogue' series by Hilari Bell? That's what this reminds me of a little. Anyway, I really like this. Will there be further installments?

And here I am again! *wow wasn't that fast?* Hazah!

After going ten feet from camp, I heard hoofbeats resonate through the forest. I walked back and dumped the wood by my bedroll.

There's something about the way you worded this makes it seem, at least to me, to read very stiffly and over-analyzed, like your MC measured out exactly ten feet. Using less specific wording is my only suggestion and it's really my only nitpick.

But what Classy said is very true. There are a lot of doors sitting open in this story. It would have almost made more sense, at least the way I see it, to have opened with an intro that focuses on Lidia just when she meets the Knight and how they end up 'together'. Then the first part, and then some of this second part (lacking the dialogue). But of course, that's just me.

Something that really bothered me was in the way the characters interacted. It seems to be lacking a lot of chemistry (not the lovie dovie kind, just a chemistry of familiarity) between Lidia and the Knight. She may not like him, but she's stuck with him.

Overall, this could definitely use a little work though. And what I said in the first part, about the presentation just seeming flat. It's here too, not as much, but it's something that a little editing can fix. You definitely have the skizzles to make this AMAZING!