Young Writers Society

Hey I'm Amie and I'll be your reviewer today...

First of all this is a beautiful and very sombre piece. It intrigues me...is this an experience you have went through youself? It's written well either way, very honest and perfectly put.

One issue i had was with binoculars - It just doesn't feel right, the picture you painting is right but I think you should replace binoculars with an other word that means the same thing.

"But it was not enough to conquer distance.
It is
No more."

I think this line should be...

But it was not enough.
The distance triumphed
And now this love
It is
No more."

or something to that effect, because it seems to be repeating the earlier line...

Like I said, this is a lovely piece and I'm glad I read it
Keep writing!

Amie

thanks for the review Amie! its actually a very recent experience, and i wrote it while i was quite emotional. and you're right, it is very honest. i rarely write poetry, and i wrote it without proof reading it much, so i knew there were bound to be mistakes - but i wanted it to be pure and raw. nonetheless, i shall work on those corrections now

i get what you mean about the "binoculars".. spyglass maybe? crystal ball? by the way, did you notice the transition between the first and second bit from present tense to past tense? that was very intentional

I think this line should be...

But it was not enough.
The distance triumphed
And now this love
It is
No more."

or something to that effect, because it seems to be repeating the earlier line...

is repetition a bad thing here? i thought it added an element of symmetry. a fear was expressed in the first half, and it materialised in the end...

still wondering whether i should send it to the one i wrote about... :-/

Heya

Here to review as requested!
Poetry isn't my forte, but I'll give you the best review I can.

This love from afar is bittersweet.

I really liked this as an opening line!

Like the sun, moon and stars demand it
Like the spring trees and the buzzing bees command it
Like my soul is dissolved perfectly into yours.

I love the imagery you've created here. It's very descriptive!

I fear that if it cannot be conquered,
We will be
Destroyed.

Skins likey

It was what I was seeking
What I had found against all odds

These lines read a bit awkwardly to me. I think the main problem is the first line. You say was twice, and where you've placed them, sounds kind of awkward. Maybe you could try rephrasing it or something? The rest of the poem flows very well, so I'm sure you can do it well!

This love
is
No more

I really liked this. It was simple but effective.

I have to say, I really loved this! I couldn't really find any nit-picks at all. My only small nit-pick is that, at times, your poems flow can be a bit off. Although when you do have a rhythm to the poem, it's a really nice one. I know that you can fix the slightly awkward areas.

Except for this, your poem was pretty much perfect! It was if you ask me, anyway. You created some really vivid images in my head which can be very hard to do. I especially liked the structure of the poem. The lines with one word were all really effective.

To be honest, I have to disagree with Aime. I actually love your use of repetition! I think it adds life to the poem. I understand what Aime means though, sometimes repetition doesn't work at all. I believe that you used it very well though, so well done!

If you want another review, just ask me in my Will Review For Food thread! I'll be glad to help you out.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey there!

I came to check it out and it is a beautiful piece. I say nothing more because I know nothing of poetry. I found it simply beautiful and very honest. Great work!!

Tanya

Finally here to review!

There were definitely some interesting images here, and some new ones, and I can see that the poem is based on something deeply emotional and intense.

Like my soul is dissolved perfectly into yours.

This was a remarkable line - and I liked it all the more for the way it built upon the similes of the previous two lines. However, I've got to admit, the first two lines didn't fit in as smoothly as this one did.

Like the sun, moon and stars demand it
Like the spring trees and the buzzing bees command it

The 'sun, moon and stars' gave it such a vast, incomprehensible, incredible feeling - as if you were zooming out and making it more and less significant in one go - like the love was ordered or conducted by some celestial being. However, I also found the line rather cliche - 'sun, moon, stars' aren't particularly inventive when it comes to describing love, and I've heard them used together far too many times. And the 'buzzing bees' just sounded off - I mean, it was a cute thought and all, but it somehow belittled the grandiose effect you were going for in the previous line. And that simile is a little hard to digest, too - why would bees, of all creatures, of all tiny creatures command love? If you want to use this simile, a bit more exposition would be helpful - expand on it, and put more detail into it so we REALLY know what you're talking about, rather than throwing it in there for the sake of aesthetics.

(I know this is slightly out of order, but in the grand scheme of things, I daresay it makes little difference:))

This love from afar is bittersweet.
My love
So close to my heart, so far from my vessel
Eliminating touch
Eliminating smell
Taste
I cannot behold you with my eyes
I cannot whisper in your ear
And yet
I still love you.
I love you like no other

Firstly, you've said the word 'love' far too many times. It loses its effect. I'd recommend not saying it at all and describing the scene in such away that the reader knows it's love without you having to spell it out for them. And I can see that you were trying to use all five sense: sight, hearing, touch, smell, taste - and this is always a good thing, since you're paying attention to detail. However, it had little impact because of the fact that it was so blatantly obvious. 'Eliminating smell...' etc was just strange - why would love eliminate the senses - shouldn't it heighten them?

I thought saying that 'my love from afar is bittersweet' was interesting - since love is not usually described as being bittersweet (on this note, do realise that you're saying that you can TASTE love, when later on you say it 'eliminates taste' - contradictory!). However, it wasn't particularly exciting as far as beginnings go, and introducing the word 'love' into the very first line did little other than slamming the idea in our face. Realise that love has become the most popular cliche of poetry and everything else besides, and, while it is also one of the most fundamental aspects of our lives, I will go on to say that since people have seen it so many times, and in so many different ways, that any unoriginal way will immediately strike them as bland and lacking in depth. So...avoid stating aloud that it's love - show us, but do not tell us. Give some more tasty images, maybe describe a story or an event, but do not just leave the concept to wither away in the realm of the abstract, since it is physical, real things that we love the most - here, details are your friends.

Will be destroyed.
I fear that if it cannot be conquered,
We will be
Destroyed.

This was a little too doomsday-ish for my liking. Too literal, I think. The funny thing is that in poetry, we try to capture emotions and experiences using words, but we have to really expand on them to get the whole idea across - if we try and squash them down and summarise them, then the whole meaning is lost entirely. I mean, this poem could easily be summarised as an 'I love you but no more' poem - so you've really got to show us all the facets to this to avoid it becoming uninteresting. And I thought the few-word-sentences were a tad overused - if you use them too much, they lose impact.

This love
What I was seeking
What I found against all odds
It was valiant
It was true
But it was not enough to conquer distance.
This love
is
No more

Not particularly fond of the ending, either. I mean, the intent is almost too-clear - it reads more like an extract from a journal or a love letter - too literal, too direct. Tone the literal language down and show us the things you are so easily telling us. Instead of saying 'it was not enough to conquer distance,' expand on the idea a bit more - maybe like:

'the hills are vast
and blank.

between us, there is
the frozen forest where
a gazelle creeps through green
through blood, raw

and persisting
as we say grace.'

The metaphors you have used are age-old, and so it's even more important that you think about putting a new shine over them so that they don't become repetitive and literal.

Overall, it's good to see you are using experiences from your own life and incorporating them into poetry - in fact, I don't know of anyone who doesn't write out of personal experience!

Thanks a lot Navita! OK, I will try to answer your questions as best I can. With the bees, I wanted to express the contrast between all the elements of nature, big and small, which are all in accord with this love. It is compatible, two people matching as if they were divinely designed for each other.

By the way, don't underestimate bees. Bees are powerful little creatures. They may be small, but in their numbers they move entire ecosystems. did you know that bees are responsible for the pollination of almost every colourful fruit? I digress, you can read more about them here: Bees

about the elimination - it's not the love that eliminates the senses, but the distance. this poem is about long distance love. How difficult it is when you have the dilemma of being in a state of "together but not together". true, you can't taste love but you can taste a kiss!

I know a lot of poetry uses abstract concepts, but I think I mentioned before that poetry isn't my main form of expression. This one simply poured out of my gaping open soul...