The Memory

This is the beginning of a story I'm working on... Sorry I tried to put certain bits of this in italics by my computer doesn't seem to like that.
Anyway, reviews would be appreciated!


It was a cold day, the sort that never seemed to get light.
Elizabeth Shewsbury crept out of her room, frightened of what awaited her in the hallway. She wrapped her cotton cardigan tightly around her shoulders, the cold rushing at her like an unavoidable beast. One step at a time, she made her way down the stairs. She wasn’t as young as she used to be, and more than once her knees threatened to buckle under her weight.

Her hazel eyes, surrounded by thick wrinkles, darted back and forth nervously. She hadn’t ventured out of her room for a few hours – who knew what could have come in, in the meantime? Her feet carried on underneath her, her mind racing. All she wanted to do was get to the kitchen.
Was that so much to ask?

A small voice suddenly invaded her thoughts.
“Mama, Mama,” it whispered.
Gradually, it got louder.
“Not now!” Elizabeth cried out, pain sharp in her voice. She put her hands to her ears, trying to block it out - but he just wouldn’t leave her alone. Must it always come whenever she left her room? Must it always screech at her, so forcefully?
“Please,” she begged. “Please, Paul, just leave me alone!”
Immediately, she covered he mouth, gasping. Her eyes filled with tears as realization crept into her heart. How could she have said that? How stupid, how very stupid. The memory came rushing back to her, almost knocking her to the ground.

********

“Mama…"
“Not now, Paul. Please.”
“But Mama! Look!”
“I’m busy, Paul!”
Paul looked at the floor, but refused to move.
“Go and occupy yourself! Please, Paul, just leave me alone.”
A tear glistened on his face. With haste, he left the room. Soon, he slammed the huge front door shut behind him.
Mama, too tired, too upset, didn’t look for him until much later.
When she did, he was nowhere to be seen. He was gone. So was his favourite teddy bear.

*******

And gone he still was. Vanished in the air like a helium balloon; too easy to slip out of your loose fingers.

When you get finished writing for the day make sure to use spell check and carefully read over it. I spotted a mistake, at the beginning. You said the cold wind was rushing at her like and unavoidable beast. Its suppose to be an unavoidable beast. Do you see it now?
Oh and make sure to indent.

Other than that it was really good!(:

I LOVED the opening line. I am a big fan of a good 'hook' in a story, and it worked well here -

It was a cold day, the sort that never seemed to get light.

And I really liked the way you began the rest of it, too:

Elizabeth Shewsbury crept out of her room, frightened of what awaited her in the hallway. She wrapped her cotton cardigan tightly around her shoulders, the cold rushing at her like and unavoidable beast. One step at a time, she made her way down the stairs. She wasn’t as young as she used to be, and more than once her knees threatened to buckle under her weight.

Her hazel eyes, surrounded by thick wrinkles, darted back and forth nervously. She hadn’t ventured out of her room for a few hours – who knew what could have come in, in the meantime? Her feet carried on underneath her, her mind racing. All she wanted to do was get to the kitchen.

Was that so much to ask?

A small voice suddenly invaded her thoughts.

“Mama, Mama,” it whispered.

Gradually, it got louder.

This sets an air of mystery and tension - and keeps the audience on an edge. I like how you subtly introduce aspects of the character - slot them in at appropriate places, instead of bombarding us with a full-on character description in one go. First, we find out her name. Then we find that she is probably quite old, judging by the 'she wasn't as old as she used to be.' And all throughout this, we feel her sense of somewhat irrational fear - which we find is linked to her child. So...full marks for creating a good sense of atmosphere, setting and an intriguing character.

“Not now!” Elizabeth cried out, pain sharp in her voice. She put her hands to her ears, trying to block it out - but he just wouldn’t leave her alone. Must it always come whenever she left her room? Must it always screech at her, so forcefully?

“Please,” she begged. “Please, Paul, just leave me alone!”

Immediately, she covered he mouth, gasping. Her eyes filled with tears as realization crept into her heart. How could she have said that? How stupid, how very stupid. The memory came rushing back to her, almost knocking her to the ground.

I was not a big fan of this bit, though. I think it does fine with just the ']“Not now!” Elizabeth cried out.'' bit. We do not need to be told it's pain in her voice - we are quite capable of deducing that from the fact that she has 'cried out' and her fear outlined from before. These lines: 'Her eyes filled with tears as realization crept into her heart. How could she have said that? How stupid, how very stupid.' These lines were altogether too literal and direct. Too much telling and not enough showing.

Also, I find it interesting that you recount the memory so quickly. It almost seems like you're trying to tie up the story too fast. Not good, as the air of mystery is gone. The next bit of dialogue makes it really clear what happened - she told him to go away, and he did, and now she's been left alone for a long time, terrified and haunted by the memory. All that remains to be sorted are a few, almost insignificant details about the hows and whys of what actually took place. I'd suggest removing this nugget of information for a little while later.

With haste, he left the room.

Sometimes, you use old fashioned diction. Before, I did not like the 'Must I...' Now, this 'with haste' bit annoys me - it seems like the adverbial phrase you'd tack on to someone much older. To make it more realistic, maybe rephrase to: 'He scampered out of the room.' That would be more age-appropriate.

And gone he still was. Vanished in the air like a helium balloon; too easy to slip out of your loose fingers.

And this was not the strongest ending you could have managed - I preferred the beginning a LOT more to this - althoug I understand that the piece is as yet unfinished. So...what length piece are you thinking? Novel, or long-short story? Either way, I'd recommend planning out the structure of it, and where you intend to reveal what to us.

Overall impression: you have definitely come up with an original idea, and sparked some curiosity, here. I see a lot of potential for this, especially after a bit more reworking, and smoothening of the corners. Your degree of control in the first couple of paras was impressive; but this gave way to less structured, and less-well-planned writing, and made the central character seem spinelessly terrified. However, I believe that with a bit more tweaking and rethinking, you will be able to sustain that atmosphere and drive the plot and character along in a much cleaner manner.

I hope that has helped. Feel free to PM me with any questions!