Young Writers Society

This is just a small section of the chapter I'm writing at the moment, so it won't make complete sense. It's just that I'm really not very happy with this. But I can't put my finger on what exactly is wrong with it. Anyone have any suggestions? Thanks.

I looked at Will carefully, as he continued rubbing his nose.
“Why do ya’ hate me so much?” I muttered, more to myself really.
“Where do you want me to begin?” He stared at me hard. “You’re immature, stupid, you get me into situations like this, and thanks to you, mum is dead.”
“I’m not the one lying about her to everyone I meet.” I mumbled.
“I can hardly tell them the truth can I?” Will spat in my face. “I’d consider yourself lucky that I don’t tell everyone what really happened. People would really hate you then.”
I turned my eyes away from his. I was such a bad arguer when it came to arguing with Will. That was something he was good at, arguing. He always knew what the right thing to say was.
“It’s stupid.” Will continued. “Even though you are the biggest, most selfish idiot I’ve ever known, everyone likes you.”
I stared at him. “Are you stupid or sumit? Dad can’t even stand the sight of me!”
“Maybe,” Will shrugged. “But you’ve always been the ‘pretty twin’, everyone thinks you’re funny and cool, and you were always mum’s favourite.”
My father’s punch had obviously left Will slightly delusional. He didn’t honestly believe that everyone liked me? If my own family couldn’t stand me, then how on earth could anyone else possibly like me? Even if that was true, I wouldn’t care, it wouldn’t make me feel any better. My brother and my father couldn’t stand me, that was all that felt important to me.
I stared at Will, completely surprised at what he’d just said. I was never my mother’s favourite, she never picked favourites, Will knew that.
“Tha’ ain’t true.” I said confidently.
“I wish it wasn’t.” Will muttered. “Mum had made a huge mistake in the end though, liking you so much, considering what you ended up doing to her.”
Why did he always had to bring that up? Didn’t he know how much I hated myself for what happened to mum? I swear, he purposely did it, just to destroy me even more.
“Sorry...” I mumbled pathetically.
“It should’ve been you that died, not her.” He spat, standing up.
Will headed for my bedroom door, pausing as he reached it. “Everyone would be so much happier that way, especially me.”
He left my room, slamming the door loudly behind him, exactly the same way as my dad had done earlier.
I hadn’t moved an inch. I was still sitting silently on my dirty bedroom floor, staring into space. I must have been sitting there, motionless, for at least ten minutes, until I spoke.
“I would have been happier too...” I whispered to myself.

Hey SameOld. I'm Esther Sylvester and I will be reviewing your piece.

Good job, I really must say. I feel the intense relationship between the two characters. I think I understand why you don't like it: I think that it is because it is very negative and you are taking the words you have written seriously, and you are feeling the pain that the characters are feeling. But that's just a crazy guess. Anyway, on to the review.

Do the characters live in an area that has a lot of people that use slang? If this is not the case, adjust your character's speech patterns so they are more grammatically correct. Otherwise, good job!

My father’s punch had obviously left Will slightly delusional.

Good line here. It makes you understand how life is difficult for the characters.

“So would I...” I whispered to myself.

Change this to something like "I wish it would have been me, too." So would I doesn't make much sense to me.

Over all, good job! Keep up the writing!

Biffle here to rerview.

this is short so there isnt much to say but only two things that dont really work for me

(1)I was still sat silently on my dirty bedroom floor, staring into space. (2)I must have been sat there, motionless, for at least ten minutes, until I spoke.

1 I dont think the word sat fits in there.

2 I must have been sitting until i spoke.

“Tha’ ain’t true.”

I think Tha' doesnt really suit this, 'that' is fine, unless your MC has been punched also...

Thanks for the great read.

Biffle

Thanks for the reviews guys,

“Tha’ ain’t true.”

I think Tha' doesn't really suit this, 'that' is fine, unless your MC has been punched also...

The reason he's speaking like that is because he's meant to always use slang when speaking. He's supposed to come from the 'rough' part of England, hence the slang. Just to clear that up!

Thanks Now it makes snese, ahaha, i thought your MC was a girl... Sorry, but he comes off as a bit girly to me

Yeah, I tend to have that problem!
It's annoying

Hey there SameOld!

Here to review. I'll start off with the nit-picks.

I looked at Will carefully, as he continued rubbing his nose.

You don't need a comma here.

I was such a bad arguer when it came to arguing with Will.

This sounds a bit awkward. Try changing in to something like 'I was so bad at arguing with Will, I always had been.'

“It’s stupid.” Will continued. “Even though you are the biggest, most selfish idiot I’ve ever known, everyone likes you.”

Comma instead of period here.

I stared at him. “Are you stupid or sumit? Dad can’t even stand the sight of me!”

“Maybe,” Will shrugged. “But you’ve always been the ‘pretty twin’, everyone thinks you’re funny and cool, and you were always mum’s favourite.”

Period here.

Even if that was true, I wouldn’t care, it wouldn’t make me feel any better.

Period

I stared at Will, completely surprised at what he’d just said. I was never my mother’s favourite, she never picked favourites, Will knew that.

Another period is needed here.

“I wish it wasn’t.” Will muttered. “Mum had made a huge mistake in the end though, liking you so much, considering what you ended up doing to her.”

I must have been sitting there, motionless, for at least ten minutes, until I spoke.

You don't need a comma here

“I would have been happier too...” I whispered to myself.

I liked your ending

Overall, this was pretty good!
Like Esther said, I can feel the tension between the two characters. That is actually a hard thing to do, so well done for that! I also like the slang you've used, East End of London by any chance?

You tend to have a problem with when and where you should put commas and periods. That's all right though, I have the same problem to be honest! There are some great threads around YWS that give you advice on comma usage. Take a look at them and you should be fine.

Like I said before, I did like this!
If you want another review, just ask me in my WRFF thread.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins