Young Writers Society

Mullings of a Failed Musician

Extract: January 15th
I got a guitar today. It's cheap, and doesn't have an amp, but it's the thought that counts. It cost me thirty seven pounds. It used to be fifty nine pounds ninety nine, but I got it cheap from a guy in the market. Then I went online and bookmarked as many guitar-learning sites that I could. That done, I got myself a cup of tea, and prepared myself for the task ahead.

Extract: January 17th
So maybe it's not as easy as it looks on TV. The fingers on my right hand are already aching from awkwardly trying to mimic chords, and my left are starting to blister. I don't care though, you said love endures all pain, right?

Extract: January 21st
I can remember one or two basic tunes, and I've learned a few chords... If I can remember what they're called. It makes no sense. I can remember where my fingers are moving to, but little else works. Lee enjoys listening to me, generally to put me off, and giggle like a child when I get frustrated. Sometimes I'll play long after my fingers hurt, just because I don't want to put the guitar down in front of him. The last thing I need is a little brother to call me a wimp.

Extract: January 25th
Today I bought a real guitar-learning set, the kind which comes with a DVD too. After watching the first few minutes of this guy talking, I felt like I was ready to take on the challenge once again. I picked up my guitar, full of optimism, took a deep breath, and strummed the most sour note I ever played.

Extract: January 29th
I'm on hiatus now, my fingers are killing me, and so far all I've been able to manage are a few nursary rhymes and some dodgy versions of sixties melodies. Of course, with my fingers at rest I've buried my head in the computer. All I have to do is memorise what the chords look like, and then I won't have to keep logging on to find them out.

Extract: February 2nd
I haven't played the guitar much... But I'm quite confident in my theoretical knowledge. I'm sure you'd laugh at me if you saw how hard I've been concentrating. I'm serious about this.

Extract: February 4th
I did the unthinkable. No, really, you'd never guess it. I decided one on one tuition might be the way to go. It took me a while to swallow my pride, and with all the courage I had I went into Lee's room, where he stared at me like I had two heads, and I quietly said 'will you teach me guitar?' I expected him to laugh, but instead he looked at me, as serious as I'd ever seen him, and said; 'It would be easier to teach a camel to play the ukulele.' I spent the next three hours wallowing in self pity.

Extract: February 9th
I guess this new obsession of mine helps me take my mind off you until you get back, and pretending to write to you makes me feel less lonely. Don't worry, I won't replace you. This guitar is going to sprout legs and run away from me as soon as it gets the chance anyway.

Extract: February 12th
You always tell me that when you're in love, you can do anything. After all this I'm afraid I must beg to differ.

I was hoping to learn a few chords, jot down some lyrics, write you a romantically simple love song, and send a recording to you as a valentines day gift, but as I will happily demonstrate when you get back; I suck at playing the guitar. Never in my life have I failed so miserably.


Not only that, but despite my effort the love song fell apart, and now I don't have a gift for you. Instead, you can have this notebook. You don't have to read it all, but at least now you know that I blistered my fingers, and asked Lee for help, and played bad renditions of sixties melodies over and over and over again, just for you. Here's all the hours I spent thinking of you and wishing you where here, and all the time I dedicated to writing you a love song, even if you never get to hear it.

Don't say I never tried to do anything romantic for you.

With all my love. See you in three weeks!

-Yoshi

Aw, that's a good man for you. Trying to learning something, getting humiltated in the process, just to sing a love song. That's sweet. <:3 I didn't expect it to close out that way, a man with a love, but I like it. Twist are good and this is lovely.

This was amazing. I saw the title and was immedeatly interested. With such few words you were able to communicate so much to the reader. And even though you weren't able to play the song, this gift was great.

I can understand the frustration with playing. I have no patience and you really need it playing the guitar. Try the drums... its not as romantic though. You can play "Wipeout" for Valentines. Only joking.

Can't wait to read more of your work,

Trick

Despite not liking anything too romantic, I really did enjoy this.

Today I bought a real guitar-learning set, with a DVD in all

I didn't think 'in all' works as well as 'and all' and then you could get rid of the comma.

I have tried to play guitar and found it very frustrating, and I thought this aspect was realistic.

It is very readable, but I think the short 'chapters' almost make it too easy to put down. I know this is an integral, realistic part of the story, but I think that is an aspect that makes it less readable that could do with some tweaking, although the more I think about it the more I realise how important this is! I think you will have to make the decision.

Hope this helps!
Sophie

I liked this a lot. I'm a very musical person and I know how frustrating it is learning a new instrument. I liked the fact that it was all to write him a love song. That's very sweet and romantic. I liked the journal feel to it.

Great job. Keep it up.
~Jessey

Hey, here I am as requested!
Okay, you wanted a harsh review? Well, here goes.

It's cheap, and doesn't have an amp, but it's the thought that counts.

This doesn't make much sense. Guitars can't think.

and my left are starting to blister

your left what?

the kind which comes with a DVD too.

should be: the kind that comes with a DVD as well.

I'm on hiatus now, my fingers are killing me, and so far all I've been able to manage are a few nursary rhymes and some dodgy versions of sixties melodies.

You might want to split up this sentence.

All I have to do is memorise

memorize

one on one tuition

that doesn't sound quite right. Try 'tutoring' instead of 'tuition'.

It took me a while to swallow my pride.Then, with all the courage I had, I went into Lee's room, where he stared at me like I had two heads. I quietly asked "Will you teach me guitar?" I expected him to laugh, but instead he looked at me, as serious as I'd ever seen him, and said: "It would be easier to teach a camel to play the ukulele."

Alright, I made corrections to this in red.

I was hoping to learn a few chords, jot down some lyrics, write you a romantically simple love song, and send a recording to you as a valentines day gift, but as I will happily demonstrate when you get back; I suck at playing the guitar.

This is another run-on. Split it up!

Not only that, but despite my effort the love song fell apart, and now I don't have a gift for you.

This is an odd sentence, and you then tell her that you're going to give her your notebook. What about "So now I don't have much of a gift for you."?


Okay, this was pretty good over all. Cute, but nothing amazing. It seems like an excerpt from a cheesy teen-age novel. Now that's not bad, if a teen-level thing was what you were going for. If not, I suggest some rewriting.
Cheers,
Dreamy

Hi TenYo!

My comments and edits in red.

TenYo wrote:Mullings of a Failed Musician

Extract: January 15th
I got a guitar today. It's cheap, and doesn't have an amp, but it's the thought that counts....Huh? Thought that counts? Who'd he buy it for? It cost me thirty seven pounds. It used to be fifty nine pounds ninety nine, but I got it cheap from a guy in the market. Then I went online and bookmarked as many guitar-learning sites that I could. That done, I got myself a cup of tea and prepared myself for the task ahead.

Extract: January 17th
So maybe it's not as easy as it looks on TV. The fingers on my right hand are already aching from awkwardly trying to mimic chords, and my left are starting to blister. I don't care though, you Who is "you"? said love endures all pain, right?

Extract: January 21st
I can remember one or two basic tunes, and I've learned a few chords... If I can remember what they're called. It makes no sense. I can remember where my fingers are moving to, but little else works.Love this. I can empathize with the frustration. Lee enjoys listening to me, generally to put me off, and giggle like a child when I get frustrated. Sometimes I'll play long after my fingers hurt, just because I don't want to put the guitar down in front of him. The last thing I need is a little brother to call me a wimp. Haha

Extract: January 25th
Today I bought a real guitar-learning set, the kind which comes with a DVD too. After watching the first few minutes of this guy talking, I felt like I was ready to take on the challenge once again. I picked up my guitar, full of optimism, took a deep breath, and strummed the most sour note I ever played.

Extract: January 29th
I'm on hiatus now, my fingers are killing me, and so far all I've been able to manage are a few nursery rhymes and some dodgy versions of sixties melodies. Of course, with my fingers at rest I've buried my head in the computer. All I have to do is memorise what the chords look like, and then I won't have to keep logging on to find them out.

Extract: February 2nd
I haven't played the guitar much... But I'm quite confident in my theoretical knowledge. I'm sure you'd laugh at me if you saw how hard I've been concentrating. I'm serious about this.

Extract: February 4th
I did the unthinkable. No, really, you'd never guess it. I decided one on one tutorial might be the way to go. It took me a while to swallow my pride, and with all the courage I had I went into Lee's room, where he stared at me like I had two heads, and I quietly said 'will you teach me how to play the guitar?' I expected him to laugh, but instead he looked at me, as serious as I'd ever seen him, and said; 'It would be easier to teach a camel to play the ukulele.' I spent the next three hours wallowing in self pity.

Extract: February 9th
I guess this new obsession of mine helps me take my mind off you until you get back, and pretending to write to you makes me feel less lonely. Don't worry, I won't replace you. This guitar is going to sprout legs and run away from me as soon as it gets the chance anyway. Lol

Extract: February 12th
You always tell me that when you're in love, you can do anything. After all this I'm afraid I must beg to differ.

I was hoping to learn a few chords, jot down some lyrics, write you a romantically simple love song, and send a recording to you as a valentines day gift but as I will happily demonstrate when you get back, I suck at playing the guitar. Never in my life have I failed so miserably.


Not only that, but despite my effort the love song fell apart, and now I don't have a gift for you. Instead, you can have this notebook. You don't have to read it all, but at least now you know that I blistered my fingers, asked Lee for help and played bad renditions of sixties melodies over and over and over again just for you. Here's all the hours I spent thinking of you and wishing you where here and all the time I dedicated to writing you a love song, even if you never get to hear it.

Don't say I never tried to do anything romantic for you.

With all my love. See you in three weeks!

-Yoshi

Sweet. There isn't much characterization, though, but it works here. Not much to crit except for the things I pointed out. I deleted some commas since they broke the sentence flow.

If my review offended you, I'm sorry. Also, remember that it's your story so in the end, this is just my opinion.


Yours truly,

Kara