Full Moon Flapjacks

My first poem, as you can probably tell from the uninspired title, and If you hate it, or you think I'm not cut out for poetry, or you think it would be a really great poem if, say, someone awesome like you wrote it, just tell me. I have the suspicion that I may not be cut out for this poetry stuff. The rhythm is wack and so is the rhyming scheme but hey, I'm not being graded... just reviewed

On my back, their wasted wishes.
Happiness.
Measured by the fistful;
rare as ceramic dishes
and half-digested food.

I’m cruel.
And that is all you'll get from me.
This helpless, heaving, hell-bent world
Is running low on sympathy.

But order,
it spreads like a disease,
a remorseless social malady.
Somewhere twisted tyrants appease;
their hatred plots on bended knee,
ever cowardly.

The fruit of man falls from the vine.
Our hatred's cloaked in secrecy.
Oh, plane of life, filled with decay,
Can we find no sympathy?

Hey, RedBird here for a review,

Okay, let's cut straight to the chase: I like the ideas, but they weren't presented very well.
The rhythm was off, and there were the barest bones of a rhyme scheme, but they didn't work. It looks like you realized this, though, so I'll just go into a little bit more detail:).

"On my back, their broken wishes.
Happiness. Measured by the fistful;
rare as ceramic dishes and
half-digested food."

This is awkward to read, mostly because of the rhythm. It might work better as:

"On my back, their broken wishes.
Happiness.
Measured by the fistful;
rare as ceramic dishes
and half-digested food."

That's just an idea; you don't have to take it seriously if you don't like it. The same goes for the next stanza:

"But Order, it spreads like a disease;"

This could be better as:

"But Order,
it spreads like a disease;"

The last stanza looks pretty good. In fact, I think that it's the best part of the poem.
So you've got some great ideas, and with some rhythm tweaking, the poem should be wonderful!


~RedBird

I completely agree with RedBird.

The ideas are great. If you edit it as suggested, this poem could brilliant. Don't doubt your poetry, plus practice makes perfect. The last stanza flows in contrast to the rest.
I love the idea of the poem so maybe re-post it after a few tweaks.

Pages.

I love it, though I'm not sure why. The language you use is amazing. I think I'll probably have a browse through your portfolio after this.

"Somewhere twisted tyrants appease. / Their hatred plots on bended knee, / ever cowardly." - I especially like the image you've made here. The only tweak is that I think there shouldn't be a full stop after 'Appease.'

I think I could probably read this over and over and not get tired of it. I'd say if this is your first attempt at poetry you should keep at it.

Thank you Tenyo, Pages and Redbird. I'm glad you guys liked it... and all suggestions have been utilized. Everyone was super helpful.
Currently working on my second poem, since this one wasn't all that bad.

Hey Empress Here to do that review for you

I really liked this. I don't want to hear this crazy talk of 'not being cut out for poetry'. You, my dear, can write poetry. This is great for a first try. Actually, the more I read it, I realise just how good it is.

But here it goes:

On my back, their broken wishes

I don't have a problem with this line. It sounds good when you're not thinking about it. It just occurred to me: how does a wish break? I was thinking of an adjective like hopeless or fallen or pointless. It's just an idea, and if you prefer it the way it is there's nothing wrong with that

rare as ceramic dishes
and half-digested food

Okay, are you being sarcastic here? I suppose you must be. I doubt ceramic dishes or half-digested food are particularly rare. If you're not being sarcastic though, could you please explain these lines to me because I don't understand them then.

I’m cruel.

I think this should be the start of a new stanza. It's related to the previous lines, but not so much that it's direct. The second I read it I was like 'That doesn't sound right." It's because you need a pause between 'food' and 'I'm cruel'. It sounds off without it.

And this is all you'll get from me.
The helpless, heaving, hell-bent world
Is running low on sympathy.

I adore this! The imagery and impact are so well executed. The only thing I have to say is that I think the second sentence would sound better starting with 'This' rather than 'The'. But then that also poses the problem that the previous line starts with 'this'. It sort of depends on what you think sounds better. Risk the repetition and have it sound a little better, or just leave it as it is. Completely up to you

But Order,

I don't understand why order is capatalized?

their hatred plots on bended knee,

I think the more correct way of spelling this word is bent. Bended isn't seen as a typo, but it's kind of archaic and not really the correct word nowadays.

The fruit of man falls from the vine.
Our hatred’s cloaked in secrecy

There's no need to have the contracted 'is' after hatred. It sounds much better without it and is just as correct, if not more, seeing that it's in the past tense and the word is doesn't really apply

Oh plane of life, filled with decay,
Can we find no sympathy?

There should be a comma after Oh, but other than that I love these lines, and they sound amazing when said out loud. Something about the sibilant S sound in the rhyming words are very pleasing to the ear

Overall, I thought this was an outstanding poem. It was great without my nitpicks, but just see if you agree with any of them. They were tiny anyway. There wasn't much to correct

Keep writing,

~^~Xirenia~^~

I really liked this poem! You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. The only thing I didn't like was the name, it somehow reminded me of that Cartoon network show, what's it called.. the misadventures of Flapjack and Knuckles or somethng like that, and the entire tme during the poem the lttle blonde child's face kept popping in my mind. I think you should have called it something more of the lines of Lack of Sympathy or something. The rhymng in the first stanza seems a bit forced but that's just about it. I loved the wording in your poem and I think it wans overall a good poem. Sorry this was a rather terrible review but I keep getting distracted by some movie on the Tv.

Hello, fellow Minion! I think you have a loverly start, especially for your first poem. I most like the line with "as rare as ceramic dishes and half-digested food," because it shows just how 'rare' broken wishes can be. I love the way you worded that. That being said, it was kind of weird and distracting to read "half-digested food." When I read that, it just made me think that, of all the not-so-rare things in the world, I'm reading about half-digested food?! Gross! I just think you could replace it with something a little more appetizing.

But that's it! I loved everything else, Your Highness! Keep it up!

Oh, and nice work with your sabotage. I hate to say it, but it's true. You are epic. ;o xD

Thanks Mr. Knightley. When I wrote it, I was thinking of things that went on ceramic dishes, but when I looked back at it I thought, "Really, that's the best you can do?" but I wasn't going to change it unless someone else pointed it out. XD
ps
Love your signature. Flyleaf for the win.