Young Writers Society

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Hello tennisprincess

tennisprincess wrote:than all this summer snow

I don't think there is snow in the summer.
Overall I love this piece.
It had a delightful surprise at the end.

The Idea of snow in the summer was to symbolize a sort of "never ending winter" in the life of a person in which they are always cold. It was not meant to be taken literally merely to create an effect.

Wow, I really liked this. I'm not a huge poem reader, but I liked the images you used, such as, "scorches like first winter frost". I like how it's a contradiction, but I still get what you are trying to convey. Very good.

Hello, Roon here! First off, can I say, I really loved this. There’s something that poetry needs, that’s totally indescribable, but this has it.

NITPICKS:

Silence in her silhouette
scorches like first winter frost -
each time consumes a little more...
Until seasons are forever lost.

A good way to begin, but the girl isn’t really brought back into it. It feels almost as though you used it to sound pretty. The rest of the poem has meaning behind every line, this just feels like it’s just been shoved there, as though it’s from another poem entirely. Saying that, I do like it. Maybe you could make another poem out of it?

No howling winds of February
No April rain to make you weary << I don’t like the use of weary here, I don’t know why. It almost rhymes with February, but doesn’t quite. It just feels a little forced, for me.


Do I regret this choice I've made?
Why should I?
I live to learn.
Yet your etched memory refuses to fade... << I’m not sure I like this line, it just doesn’t feel ‘right’. I don’t know why though. But I am just one person, if you feel like this fits, then leave it, it is your poem, after all.


Here I take a bow; << why? We don’t really see the situation, so if you want specifics, be less ambiguous.
this is all my dignity can allow.
But don't worry,
after tonight,
all your shallow debts
to me are repaid. << I would have had the line break after me, rather than after debts. I think it would flow better.


I'm sure we're sure to meet below
with souls more putrid
than all this summer snow. << I like this summer snow business.
Pitifully, you clamoured << I’m not sure this line works, for me.
though you were never right.
I suppose I'll give you points
for putting up a fight.
So now I stand over you,
in a pale morning light...


This game is over.
Checkmate.

OVERALL:

I really like this, as I said. I think, with a little work, it could be magnificent. That’s not to say it’s not wonderful already. You have some wonderful imagery here. I think the main thing you need to be careful of is using irrelevant imagery. It may be pretty, but if it doesn’t work, it’s just baggage. You have such an excellent writing style, it feels effortless, beautiful, elegant, etc. Your meaning isn’t entirely clear, which leaves it open to interpretation, but if you have a specific meaning and someone mistakes it, it can be quite disheartening (see my signature). Having said that, I really did think it was excellent. If you want another review, please just let me know, I’d be honoured.

I hope some of what I’ve said has been of use, keep writing, you have great potential!

~ Roon

I really like the first stanza of this piece, for me it really works. I'm not a great one on poetry but I think was definitely well written. I think the way you structured the poem also was really effective in conveying the sense of it.I also like the contrast of the winter and the scorching, the imagery there really underlines the sense and then juxtapostion of those two senses make it even more vivid.

I think everyone covered it all here. Though I have to post how much I love the poem; espescially the end. Nice job; you're a great poet by nature, I think.
It'd be an even better poem if you took into account all the comments you have here.

Fistly the sad and reflective tone hit me as a reader and made me want to read on so that i could find out the poem's story. The langueage and figurative devices are well used and original-i like the fact there aren't any clichés within the poem. The use of the seasons is a nice touch. I feel like I should give constructive criticism therefore I will say that perhaps next time you could reduce the number of themes as I admit at first I had to read the top part again to solve my confusion. But I liked it a lot, so well done keep it up

Hey there! Here as requested. Wow, haha, this poem's a few months old? Oh well, you did want me to critique it.

Themes:

Number of themes:

Ok, so at first I have to say that the themes are confusing. Like people have pointed out before me, you've got a few themes running through this poem. When you have more than one theme, you need to work pretty hard to make sure that it: a) doesn't get confusing for the reader and B) doesn't mean that certain themes are somewhat pushed to the back. You don't want to add in a load of ideas that you love, only to find that the ideas don't come through in your poem because you've added too many of these great ideas. I mean, the themes I can see here are things like the seasons, a game, love, a fight, and it would be so cool if you took each of these themes and perhaps branched out with them a little more to ensure that the message and idea of them aren't lost beneath each other.


Confusing Message:

I did mention this above, I think, but your poem does confuse the reader. But, basically, the reader is left kind of unsure as to what this poem means and is about. Although this can actually be a good thing, leaves the reader some room to think, sometimes it can just leave them a little disappointed with what happened. I didn't actually mind this at all, but you might want to look out for it.

Continuity:

Rhyme:

You seem to rhyme a little strangely here. Are the rhymes even deliberate? If they aren't then just ignore this paragraph totally. But, basically, you haven't stuck to a certain rhyme scheme. Occasionally, this is ok, but here I don't think it works so well. It's up to you whether you remove the rhymes or keep them, but you seem to work better in the last stanzas when there doesn't seem to be such a steady rhyming thing going on.

Stanza size:

Your stanzas are all over the place! I'm not so hot at poetry so I won't pretend to know if this is some form of poem I should know about, but it is kind of distracting for the reader, you see. Sometimes they have two lines to deal with, which is actually kind of nice when those two lines break up bigger stanzas, but at other times it jumps from your typical four lines to six lines to nine lines to two lines. Kind of erratic.

Rhythm:
Sometimes your rhythm is totally lost here. You suddenly switch from these rather nicely paced, normal length lines, to short ones which break the nice flow of your poem. If, perhaps, that was a running theme throughout the poem then it would be quite nice, but, like a lot of things here, the rhythm doesn't seem to have much structure.

Imagery:

Irrelevant:

One thing I would watch out for while you're writing poetry is taking care not to use imagery just for the sake of using imagery. I mean, we all love a little bit of description, but sometimes we can just see that the description and imagery you've used doesn't actually add anything to the poem in question. It can be really hard to keep yourself on track in poetry, but ultimately you want all of the images you use to centre round the focal point of your poem.

Lovely:

I'm just going to take a second here to congratulate you on your, mainly, wonderful use of imagery. Especially the winter snow idea, that one is really lovely. You have this beautiful writing style, and when your imagery is good then it really is good.

The Ending:

Well, this is sort of me running back to the idea of themes, but I'm not too sure about your ending. The game idea isn't one that has been running strongly through your poem, so it seems a little silly to end with that particular theme. If I were you, I'd pick a theme that you've done really well (like the seasons, or even go back to the silhouette) and finish on that note instead.

Overall:

I did really enjoy this poem. There are things that you need to address, definitely, but if you work on it more then you can let your full potential shine here! You have a great writing style, and a lot of potential, but I think you need to refine some things before your poem can be truly wonderful.

If you have any questions then feel free to PM me! I hope that I helped!

~Amy

Goodness, AM. 0.o

Pretty poem! But a little on the boring side. It doesn't appear to convey any message right off the bat and seems to have descriptive words running amok everywhere in it. It's pretty to read, pretty to imagine, flows very well, and is very poetic. But it's a bit like Cotton Candy. Soft and fluffy and pretty pastels and sweet and yummy... and straight spun sugar and very little else. It's a lovely poem, but what are you trying to say through it? Take that message and begin telling it at the beginning, or make it more obvious somehow.

This poem is about murdering my mother...

XD

That would be some very horrible cotton candy then, I would imagine. Let me amend my previous metaphor.

Snow then. Appropriate since it's regarding a rather cold topic and the poem itself mentions winter frost. Snow. frozen, fluffy water. Little substance. The main problem, I think, is... well, it is too descriptive. I get through the middle of the third stanza before I want to scroll down to see the point of the poem. It's too... fluid. You don't need to be more direct, though that might help. Before you made that post there, I wasn't sure if the MC was remembering something, thinking of something, doing something, or refering to something. It's all very... I want to say fuzzy, but I think foggy might be the more appropriate word.

And of course, your explanation makes this poem infinitely more interesting. Now get the piece to be that without your needed to explain it.

Hi, I'm Grin... the one falling over in amazement aty Amy's critique up there

I liked this. You have some lovely imagery up there, and with a little work it could be excellent

All I can say could be worked on is that there doesn't seem to be any pattern to it. Your verses are different lengths and there doesn't seem to be a clear rhyming scheme. Now my Lit teachers would ask "Why is this?", and if it's deliberate it could be very effective with a little clarification, but if it's not, that could be worked on more.

Sorry I couldn't write more. I'll try and edit later.

Hope I helped
~Grin

Hi tennis. A lot has already been said about your poem but I will say somethings also. I noticed that at the end you say "the game is over/checkmate." I assume you are talking about someone dying?." Even then it seemed a little out of the blue because of the other language through out the poem. Also your stanzas are all different lengths, you can fix this by moving the lines around or expanding on somethings a little more.
Keep in mind that I don't normally critique poems so if I have you confused just ignore me
Good work.
~peanut~