Young Writers Society

Leo didn’t like failure. He didn’t take failure well. That was his nature; which was exactly why he was now steaming with anger. He watched Brian ride through the lines of his guards, as if he did it every day. Leo growled in anger. A prisoner had escaped from him… Here on the head man’s hill.
No one ever escaped from the head man’s hill! he thought. Though Brian had always been the first at many things.
He turned to the guard commander. At least he had a means for a pay back.
“Commander, signal the southern troops, at the capital. They are to turn back immediately. Understood?”
The commander saluted with a hand raised forward. “Understood, your lordship.”
The commander walked away from Leo to a man with many small cages. They chatted for a time, and finally the commander returned with a message hawk sitting upon his hand.
The hawk studied Leo for a few seconds intensively. Leo was a stubby man, with a black goatee. But even though he didn't seem all that threatening, he had the coldest stare one could imagine, and could stare down an owl… hawks were even easier.
The bird lowered its head.
“Give it the message,” Leo hasted the man. He was thumping his foot impatiently.
“Aye, aye,” answered the commander, and leaned his head closer to the hawk and whispered a few words into its ear, before he tied a piece of paper to its leg.
Leo allowed himself a small smile. At least there is one person here who knows what to do. The commander leaned back from the bird and lifted his hand. The bird took off with surprising elegance. Spreading its wings wide, rising with only a few flaps, and was gone before neither the commander or Leo could say another word.
Leo stopped smiling as he turned to the commander. “See to the wounded and send a human messenger to the capital… I don’t trust those birds too much,” there are so many ways that the message can go “missing” that I won’t risk it. He thought “Send Oriel, he’s fast enough. Then gather the rest.”
The guardsman lifted his hand for another salute before he asked in a low voice: “Where are we headed?”
Leo tried to look passive, he spoke in a low voice. “I won’t let him get away from me this time, Peter. I can’t, and you know it.”
The grizzled guardsman shook his head. “I still don’t like this. He has always been a man with some kind of a back up plan.”
“He may have, but I am not worried. We’re going to Preacher's grove… And that’s an order,” he let his voice rise to indicate that the little conversation is over. The commander grimaced. “I still think this is a bad idea, Leo,” he insisted.
“If you think it’s that bad of an idea, you’re free to leave.”
Peter shook his head. Leo gave him a cold look “Then do as I say, and it’s `your lordship´ to you.”
Peter ended his salute stiffly and turned to his task at hand, bellowing his orders so that every poor soul could hear it within miles reach.
Leo turned to look at where Brian had ridden away from the head man’s hill. This time you aren’t going to be able to run.

The.Dreamwalker here with just a few nitpicks on this one .

The commander saluted with a hand raised forward “Understood! Your lordship.”

A period is necessary after forward.

The chatted for a time, and finally the commander returned with a message hawk sitting upon his hand.

'The' should be 'They'.

Leo was a stubby man, with a black goatee beard.

State one. A goatee or beard. Not both.

But even though small, he had the coldest stare one could imagine, and could stare down an owl… hawks were even easier.

Why are hawks easier then owls? And the word stare feels redundant.

“Aye, aye,” answered the commander, and leaned his head closer to the hawk and whispered a few words into its ear.

Aye aye this sentence is a great mess XD. Just kidding. Somethings do need to be fixed. Might I give you an example?

""Aye, aye." Answered the commander who leaned his head closer to the hawk which he then began to whisper a few words into it's ear."

Leo stopped smiling as he turned to the commander “See to the wounded and send a messenger to the capital… I don’t trust those birds too much,”

Period after commander and period instead of comma after much.

Le allowed himself a small smile.

I believe Le, should be Leo.

He thought “Send Oriel, he’s fast enough. Then gather the rest.”

Again, period after thought.

The guardsman lifted his hand for another salute before he asked in a low voice “Where are we headed?”

Period after voice.

Leo tried to look passive “I won’t let him get away from me this time, Peter. I can’t, and you know it.”

Period after passive.

The grizzled guardsman shook his head “I still don’t like this.

Period after head.

“He may have, but I am not worried. We’re going to Preachers grove… And that’s an order,” he let his voice rise to indicate that the little conversation is over.

Period instead of comma after order. Capitalize the He.

“I still think this is a bad idea, Leo” he insisted.

Period after Leo and Capitalize He.

Leo gave him a cold look “Then do as I say, and it’s “your lordship” to you.”

Period after look.

Overall

Oh deary. Quite the interesting twist. The storyline is interesting, the vocabulary a little simple but none to bad. Just have to work on your punctuation a bit and in time I'm sure you'll have that all sorted out. This was interesting and I cant wait to see whats next .

When you post up the next chapter, PM me .

From Dreams to Reality
~The.Dreamwalker

Hello again Another good part! I think you have done well in keeping the tension up in this piece, I agree with the comments made by DreamWalker but have a few nitpicks to add

He watched Brian ride through the lines of his guards, as if he did it every day.

'as if he did it every day' I think could be rewritten, it sounds a bit like 'he' is still referring to Leo. Maybe something about how skillfully he does it or how calmly? For instance 'He watched Brian ride through the lines of his guards, as if it was the most ordinary thing to do.' or you could change it to describe the scene from Leo's perspective a bit more, perhaps something like 'cutting a path through the men as if they were no hindrance at all.'

No one ever escaped from the head man’s hill, though Brian was always the first at many things.

I understand what you mean in what he is thinking about Brian, but I think it could be better phrased. Perhaps something similar to 'though Brian always did manage to break trends.' or 'though Brian always did manage to achieve the impossible.'

At least he had a means of pay back.

I'd maybe change this to first person and put it into italics as his thoughts

The commander saluted with a hand raised forward.

I don't think it's really necessary to describe the action of saluting, although you could describe how he does it like 'stiffly' or 'smartly' to create a better image for the reader.

But even though small, he had the coldest stare one could imagine, and could stare down an owl… hawks were even easier.

'But even though small' sounded a bit awkward to me, maybe 'Despite his height' or something like that would read easier. So you are not repeating 'stare' you could maybe change the first one to something like 'glare'

Leo hasted the man.

Maybe 'hastened' would be better here?

The commander leaned back from the bird and lifted his hand.

I'd maybe add something at the beginning of this about the commander having stopped talking to the bird, for instance just 'Having finished his message,'

Spreading its wings wide, rising with only a few flaps, and was gone before neither the commander or Leo could say another word.

I think 'rising' should be 'it rose' and 'neither' should be 'either'

The guardsman lifted his hand for another salute before he asked in a low voice

Again you are showing the salute not describing it, I'd do the same thing here in just saying he saluted again but showing how he did it, for instance 'The guardsman gave another smart salute', I also think 'before he asked' might sound better as 'before asking'.

he let his voice rise to indicate that the little conversation is over.

I think 'is over' should be 'was over' and maybe 'the little' would be better as 'their little'.

The commander grimaced. “I still think this is a bad idea, Leo” he insisted.

As this is a different speaker, I think it should be on a new line

Peter lowered his salute stiffly and turned to his task at hand, bellowing his orders so that every poor soul could hear it within miles reach.

'to the task at hand' instead of 'his task at hand' is a more commonly used phrase that I think would be better here. I think you need an 'a' before 'miles'.

Overall: I like how this is developing! The introduction of the bad guy was nicely done I could pick out only a few nitpicks on this one too, I think you have written this part really well

There isn't much description in this part though, I think you could add some more in. I don't really know where they are looking at the scene from and I think you could add a bit more as to their surroundings or the sky or something like that to better set the scene. I also think it might be good to add more to the commanders expression and reaction to Leo's commands, I think you did well in portraying Leo with his evil stare but I'd maybe add some more to how others react to him (in this case the commander) to show how intimidating or disturbing other characters may find him.

I think you have continued well and I'm interested as to how you will continue! All my comments are just suggestions, Hope I've helped Thanks for this post in my WRFF post too and if you ever need another review I'd be happy to

Hey Anzius, Stella here as requested! Sorry it's taken a while...

I. NITPICKS

No one ever escaped from the head man’s hill, though Brian was always the first at many things. He thought.

Same punctuation rules as dialogue apply to thought, hat should be "things, he thought."

“Understood! Your lordship.”

Perhaps that should be a comma, not an exclamation.

Leo hasted the man.

hasted?

Le allowed himself a small smile.

Leo.

We’re going to Preachers grove…

Preacher's Grove, maybe?

Leo gave him a cold look “Then do as I say, and it’s “your lordship” to you.”

Leo gave him a cold look. “Then do as I say, and it’s 'your lordship' to you.”

Okay...

II. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

There is some in here, I won't deny that, but I'd like to see more. What's Leo like? Did he know Brian personally? What was their relationship like? What about Peter, who seems sort of disrespectful, does he not fear him? Show us a bit more of who Leo is...

III. OVERALL

There's not a lot to critique, because not much happens. That's why it's the perfect opportunity for some character and relationship development. Also, proofread, it will do your work a world of good.

Your writing's not bad at all though!

Hope I helped, sorry for the wait and drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.

Eeeeek. >.< Okay, sorry for the monstrously long wait, I epic fail. Do you forgive me?

Alright, I'm not going to do nitpicks, because I think you can find those on your own and I don't think that there were very many individual sentences that needed fixing. I'm going to focus on the piece and the plot as a whole, instead, yes?

-- Characters

So far, I'm liking Leo much more than Brian from the first part. Why? Because the readers get way deeper into Leo's thoughts and emotions, as well as personality, than they do with Brian. There are so many things I can tell about Leo already: he's determined, he has a kind of grudge against Brian, he's been chasing Brian for a long time, he takes his job seriously, and he enjoys being the one in charge. He's slightly arrogant, maybe a bit over-confident. And I love it, because, from such a short excerpt, I already can tell all of that!

Now, the hard part? Keeping that up throughout the story. You can't let that attitude slowly fade and wither into something watered down. Start the character passionate, and end him passionate!

As for Brian, he's not really in this scene. You still need to work on his personality. Give him quirks-- does he feel sorry for Leo, the man who's chased him and lost him so many times before? Or maybe he has a habit of interrupting people. Maybe he's easily angered. Is he a violent criminal, or more of the "I only do it because I have to" attitude? Figure that out, and things will me better.

-- Plot

I'm interested as to where this is headed. I do think this could go both ways, either being cliched (the whole life-long enemy going after someone he needs to catch thing) or you can make it your own. That's going to depend on you writing each scene well, and remember, plot twists are really helpful in keeping your characters interesting. And I hate to say it, but killing off beloved characters is always gripping too. ^^ Just don't kill them until we've learned to adore them.

All in all this is a terribly ubhelpful critique, but! I'm a little tired. Good luck with this, and feel free to request anything. ^^

~Evi