Young Writers Society

I only realised that something was wrong when you stopped laughing. I only realised what was wrong when I turned to see what you were looking at.

Headlights.
Flight.
The crunch of bone on tarmac.

Both times were the same, but I only realised that later.

--

That week had been amazing. Hundreds of us had gone out into communities to clean streets, tidy gardens, help people in whatever way we could. You always had a smile on your face as we worked, and would laugh when people came over to ask how much we were being paid to do all this, you said their expressions were your favourite part.

"Oh no, nothing. You see, we paid to come out here!"

I think it was one of the last nights. We'd gone, you, me and a group of others to that little hill near the camp-site, leaving the bright-lights and hypnotic music of the marquees below for the cool quietness. The others had all sat at the summit in prayer, I don't know why you didn't join them, instead lying out on the damp grass, and laughing softly to yourself.

"What's so funny?" I'd asked, sitting next to you.

"Look up."

I did, but all I could see were the stars.

"Exactly, see how many of them there are!"

It was true. We'd spent our lives in towns and cities where the sight of the sky was always covered by the dull orange haze. I lay down next to you and tried to see what you did, but I still think that I must have been missing something. All I could see were a bunch of stars, but you looked so elated that there must have been something else out there.

"It's that one!" you exclaimed suddenly and leapt to your feet, curling onto your tip-toes with your arms reached high. "It's my star!"

"Your star? Since when?"

"Just now. It's my star. I know it."

"What's it called?"

"Dunno!" You laughed, and began jumping up and down, trying to snatch it up within your fingers.

After a while you stopped.

"I think I'd like to die like this."

That had me sat upright like a bolt. "Why?"

"Because-"

--

Sirens. Blue lights.

We were both lying side by side, faces to the night skies. Arms twisted, skull smashed. A paramedic slowly peeled me off and loaded me onto a trolly (fracturedarmslegsheadwoundneedsstictches) while others rushed around you (canyouhearmewhatsyournamewheredoesithurt) and all you did was smile and say

"Chara." (isthathernamecanyouhearusdontfallasleeppleasestayawakelistentome)

I called out your name, but there was no reply. You closed your eyes. (pleasestayawakeshouldwestartcprbeginonetwothreefour)

You were still smiling,

Even when you were pronounced.

Lying on the tarmac with your face to the stars.

--

Chara, (Beta CVn) the second star in the constellation 'The Hunting Dogs' (CVn Canum Venaticorum)
Chara, it means' joy'. Seems fitting, I can't remember a time I saw you without a smile on your face.

--

"I think I'd like to die like this." She smiled, leaping into the air to try and catch a star.

"Why?" He asked, sitting upright in surprise.

"Because I can't think on any other time that I've been so happy."

:coughLEOJEANcough:

:points up at that significantly, eyebrows raised:

This was good, and I couldn't find many errors. ^^

"What's so funny?" I'd asked, sitting next to you.

Just stuff like that.

What's-his-face has an attitude startlingly similar to.... :mutters:



Anyway, keep up the good work! ^^

:coughLEOJEANcough:

I knew it! I knew that if you read this, that was what you were going to think ><" I was getting quite worried about it actually O_o But nah, this is something I've been playing around with in my head for quite a while now (if you believe me!)

Anyhoo, thanks for having a look at it for me, Sumi, I shall go through and insert any rouge commas that seem to have escaped.

I believe you, I just thought "nice guy gets in car crash blah" thing was a bit...coincidental. But if you say so, I believe it ^^

I only realised that something was wrong when you stopped laughing. I only realised what was wrong when I turned to see what you were looking at.

Headlights.
Flight.
The crunch of bone on tarmac.

Both times were the same, but I only realised that later.

I loved this. It really drew me in.

"Oh no, nothing. You see, we paid to come out here!"

What are they doing? Just volunteer work? Is it some type of camp?

(shortsbarefeetnoshoes)

What was that?

"Exactly, see how many of them there are!"

She never said that the only thing she could see were stars. She only thought it.

"Because-"

WHY?? LOL, now I have to read the rest...I. Must. Know.

Sirens. Blue lights.

We were both lying side by side, faces to the night skies. Arms twisted, skull smashed. A paramedic slowly peeled me off and loaded me onto a trolly

Is this a different time?

Also, I couldn't really tell what had happened to them. You said car crash in a post later on, but it wasn't that clear to me in the story, although i may just be an idiot...lol



Wow. I LOVED this! It was great that it was second-person. I've only ever read one other story like that, and it was in present-tense, so this was really enjoyable. I nearly cried at the end! It's so sad...

Please PM me if you write more or if you have other stories! And PM me if you can review one of my stories, please.

WOW. I read the first paragraph and knew that this piece was going to be great.

(shortsbarefeetnoshoes)

Although I could make out these parts it would seem better if they were not squashed together like that.

You were still smiling,

Even when you were pronounced.

Lying on the tarmac with your face to the stars.

I want to cry. That was so....sad yet beautiful.

I'd love for this to be expanded a little bit more, as now it's really good but we don't see any kind of transition between lying on the grass and lying on the tarmac.

Great writing,
Alainna
xxxxxxxxx

P.S. I have no idea what you and Sumi are on about but I hope this story was original......*teacher-ish look*.

JFW: I'm glad you liked it, although it wasn't really second person, it was first as 'I' was telling the story XD I think I'm just going to take the part in brackets out, it was there for no reason other than I liked how it sounded in my head!

I think it was a car-crash, I would have liked a lorry or something but then they would have both died ><"

Anyhoo, thanks again for having a read through for me!

Alainna: I'll see what I can do about expaning it, and changing the transition between grass and tarmac, I'll see what I can do.

I think I'm goign to take out the first of the squashed sentances, but I put the other ones in to try and show the frantic jibber-jabber of the paramedics, but if they're hard to read I might break them up a little.

Thanks for looking through it, tis much appreciated ^^

Good! You're taking out the first one. But I'd leave the other two squashed up. I knew what you meant there, and it sounded good.

And about the whole second-person thing. It was late, and my brain was shutting down. You said 'you,' so my mind jumped to conclusions, lol.