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Hexachord



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Wed May 30, 2007 10:51 am
sworddance says...



This is part of the fantasy piece I've been working on, from which I take my name :D
However, you'll find that whereas I walk into walls, the chick... well, if you take the time to read it (please do! *begs*), you'll figure it out.
Well, I'm going to have a heck of a time with splits in posting, so bear with me!


Prologue

The half-demon’s sensitive ears twitched as the sound of hoofbeats reached them. He raised his head to look eastward, dropping the currycomb he carried in his left hand and dusting his hands off on his loose trews. He clicked a command to his horse and came out of the stables to find out was going on, and found himself confronted by three young women on horseback.

Great, he thought. Just what I needed.

He smiled politely at them when he saw they were looking at him. “Can I help you with anything, ladies?”

“Um, yes,” the foremost said, glancing around him. “We were directed to the stables by the guards- can I assume he meant the same ones you’re standing in front of?”

“Yes, you can,” he answered. “Just take them in, anywhere is fine. Er, the stableboys are in the back, I can fetch them for you if you’d like.” He turned to go, hoping that was the last he had to deal with them, but no such luck.

“Wait,” the girl called.

He turned back around.

“Actually, can you maybe give us some directions?” She dismounted smoothly, causing him to look at her carefully and note the practicality of her attire, and the way her blonde hair was pulled back into a no-nonsense knot on the top of her head.

He shrugged inwardly and thought, oh, what the heck. Doesn’t look to be too much trouble.

“Sure, what do you need directions to?” he asked.

“Well,” she smiled crookedly. “We’re from across the Wall, so we’re not precisely what you would call accustomed to the way things work around here, but I’m looking for some people and I was told to seek out the King. Perhaps you can help me…?”

He sighed. “The king is abroad right now, dealing with certain matters that required his attention. You’ll have to talk to the prince.”

“Oh,” she said, grimacing. “Alright. Well, we’ll take care of our horses first, so I guess his highness will have to wait.”

He stared at her, and a smile spread across his face. He coughed and turned around to cover it, indicating that they follow him. He scratched one of the doglike ears atop his head and said, “I’ll be right back, to fetch the stableboys for you, but it might take a second. They’re out in the pasture, assisting with a horse who threw a shoe.”

One of the other girls snorted. “Don’t bother,” she said, dismounting as easily as the first had. “We tend our own horses, and enjoy it too.”

A mark in their favor, in his eyes. He glanced at her and it was all he could do to keep his eyebrows from shooting up. She was small and slim, but hard, wiry muscle moved like liquid under her skin even as she flicked her brown braid over her shoulder. It hung down past her thighs, disappearing behind what really caught and held his attention. Slung across her hips was a belt, and on it a pair of twin blades, identical in every aspect and meant to be interchangeably dual-wielded. If he was any judge, those hilts looked used, and the muscle rippling throughout her body was a strong indication that she was the one who used them.

She scowled at him. “Excuse me,” she said pointedly, and led her mare past him and into the stables.

Oops. He grimaced to be caught staring at her, hoping she wasn’t misinterpreting his gaze, and looked the last girl over analytically. She dismounted smoothly as well, smiling brightly at him as she went by and walking along with a cheerful gait in stark contrast to the dangerously graceful stride of her companion.

The half-demon shoved his white hair back and followed them, going back to his previous task of grooming his patient stallion. A steady creature, he didn’t so much as twitch when he caught the scent of the mares.

He tried to ignore what was being said behind him, but his ears were sharp and curiosity was overcoming him. He caught a few snippets of conversation as he bent to his task, and what he heard sounded strange to him.

“They here?” the one with the swords inquired brusquely of the blonde one.

She paused. “Oh yeah. I’m certain. Close. Very close,” she said emphatically.

His back prickled with the sensation of being stared at, and he scowled to himself. Already, it had begun…

As the sensation continued, he forced down a growl of frustration. Yes, I’m a half-demon, he thought furiously. But I’m not evil, nor am I going to leap out and attack you at any moment. I didn’t ask you to come here. If you don’t like it, go back on your side of the Wall where everyone’s human and all men are created equal.

At least, from the looks of them and the fact that they spoke Common, he was assuming that’s where they were from- America. It had always sounded like a decent enough place, in principle, but he couldn’t imagine not being able to use magic, having to rely on those ‘electric’ things those on the other side of the Wall liked so much.

The sensation of being stared at went away, and he relaxed slightly, releasing his temper. They weren’t so bad, he told himself. They hadn’t said anything, after all. Gradually, he heard the sounds of them finishing up, and did so himself, facing them once more.

There were only two, the blonde one and the cheerful brunette. Strange, he hadn’t heard the other one leave…

The brunette rolled her eyes at the puzzlement on his face and sighed, shaking her head in exasperation and causing her short hair to bounce. “Behind you.”

He turned around and started in surprise when he saw the girl there, looking up at him with clear hazel eyes and a disturbingly neutral expression.

“Stop scaring the poor guy,” the brunette said teasingly to her.

The one with the swords shrugged. “Oops. Now we need to find this prince, so can you tell me where he is?” This last was directed toward him, of course.

He bit down a short brush-off and swallowed his annoyance, then bowed to all three of them. “Right here. What can I do for you?”

She raised her eyebrow. “You’re the prince?”

“That’s right.” He matched her gaze challengingly, raising his chin.

“Well then,” the blonde interrupted, gaining his attention. “I’m Robin, this is Katie,” she indicated the girl beside her with the short hair. “And this is Michael.” She indicated the third with a wave of her hand. “And we’re here on business that I am not quite prepared to discuss. However, I was informed that the king would give us lodgings for a while to conduct our business, proof of which I carry in my bags.”

She glanced at them, sitting there on the ground beside the stall her mare was in.

“May I see it?” he asked politely.

“Certainly.” She held out her palm, and suddenly there was a scroll resting in it. He blinked, but accepted it.

A mage, then. Interesting, how casually that was done…

He scanned the parchment, seeing that it was indeed in his father’s hand and did indeed permit them a stay here at the castle. He handed the scroll back to her with a bow. “I am Prince Jonaleon, then. Welcome. I will make you comfortable at the castle, then we shall see about providing you with whatever you may need,” he recited like any civil host, but he was inwardly grinding his teeth. Guests. Now he had to keep an eye on them as well as Cloasia, to make sure his half-brother didn’t cause any trouble.

And if he could just keep them out of his hair, keep them far away, it wouldn’t be so bad when they turned against him like everyone else always did. Hopefully, their business wouldn’t take them too long and they’d be gone soon. He grimaced once more and asked in a careful tone, “Forgive me, but you introduce yourselves merely by your first name… have you any title, any particular rank or way you ought to be referred to?”

The one with the swords snorted again. “Yeah. Michael. And forgive me, Prince, but I do not believe that is at all important to what we are doing here. We’re from the USA- no doubt you’ve heard of it. There’s no such thing as rank or nobility, or royalty. Call me by my name or not at all.”

When the prince finally got them all into their guest lodgings and settled, playing the polite prince and seeing to it personally instead of sending a servant, he was only too glad to get away. Shutting the door of Michael’s room behind her, he walked off down the hallway irately, storming by his half-brother and ignoring him, muttering, “What a little b-”

The rest of the word was cut off by the slamming of the door behind him. His half-brother glared at where he had gone and continued on his way, waiting to see who the new people were who apparently had such talent for annoying the prince.
Drummer, beat, and dancer, fly
The floods of war are crashing nigh
Raise the mountain, blade the fire
And woe to they who voked your ire…
-----People do speak in semicolons; they just don't know it.------
  





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Wed May 30, 2007 12:18 pm
Myth says...



“They here?” the one with the swords inquired brusquely of the blonde one.


That supposed to be 'they're'?

*

Hello!

One thing I'd like to ask is: why is the girl called Michael?

Apart from that I'd like to read another chapter, already this provides a little information into this world—modern with the fantasy mix/seperation.

Myth
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Wed May 30, 2007 3:19 pm
Sumi H. Inkblot says...



OK, read it through, didn't notice too much aside from what Myth pointed out. You should put the prince's thoughts in [ i] [/ i], it's easier to distinguish that way without using "he thought" all the time.

What's a trew? It's not showing up on the 'net dictionary, so I'm assuming it's a typo. Of trousers or trees, probably.

My only other gripe on the story is how you describe whatshername's muscles, because, in all honesty, stuff like that is not good!.
No offense, but muscles don't move like water.

She was small and slim, but hard, wiry muscle moved like liquid under her skin even as she flicked her brown braid over her shoulder.

Please try to find something else to describe her....I feel like I'm reading a really bad fangirl fanfiction on their favorite guy-in-question. (They always use passages like that to describe characters.......)

Other than that, I'd like to see chapter 1. :)

~Sumi
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Wed May 30, 2007 9:13 pm
Griffinkeeper says...



Sometimes girls are called Michael, just so you know they are out there.

I think you misused the idea of the prologue. A prologue deals with material that is necessary to understanding the story, but happens before the story begins.

Lord of the Rings had the prologue of talking about the history of the ring of power, how it was forged, what it did, who it benefited, what happened to it. This is a fine example of what is in a prologue.

To all this though, a prologue must ask a question that we; as the readers; want answered.

For Lord of the Rings, we were wondering how a hobbit would determine the fates of everyone and what that fate would be.

Homer: The Odyssey wrote:Tell me, O muse, of that ingenious hero who travelled far and wide after he had sacked the famous town of Troy.


This is another good example of a question. We can't help but wonder who this hero is, why is he ingenious? It hints at an exciting future, which is what you want a prologue to do, you want it to build up the story in front of it.
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Wed May 30, 2007 10:40 pm
sworddance says...



Thanks for the crits everyone :D I got more than I expected, so that was a pleasant surprise. In answer to your question, Baroness, 'trews' are pants, basically, but more colloquial to a fantasy setting. It wasn't a typo ;)

"They here?" is a brusque inquiry, shortened from "are they here?" but if it confuses you, perhaps it should be changed...


Anyways, thanks again guys :D
Here's the first section of where the actual story picks up. Crits are appreciated, as always!


Hexachord


“Silver!” Katie cried, bouncing up to the horse. She buried her fingers in the mare’s mane and cooed happily. Robin, the owner of the horse, presented her friend with a currycomb, never taking her eyes off her book, which followed her around through the air as she went from cupboard to cupboard gathering what she needed to care for her horse.

Michael strolled in as Robin blinked, turning the page without a touch.

Michael raised an eyebrow. “Taking the day off, are you, Robin?”

Robin shrugged. “Just going for a ride.”

“Huh.” Michael seated herself and drew a boot dagger, idly cleaning under her nails with the tip. She paused, turning her ear toward the entrance of the stables, then commented, “Jon’s here.”

Sure enough, Prince Jonaleon entered the stables. He was a half-demon, of the sort not evil, tall, with white hair about to his shoulder blades and dog-like ears situated atop his head. His intense amber eyes were, at the moment, looking curiously at Robin. “Going somewhere?”

“Just a ride. I’ll be back within an hour.”

“Oh.”

Robin swung herself onto her horse and urged her outside. The others followed, for lack of anything else to do, and stood outside in the bright sunlight.

“So what are the rest of you doing today?” Jon asked conversationally as Robin waved farewell and rode off.

Michael looked up at him and shrugged, tapping the blade that cleaned her nails. “I’m doing it.”

His ears perked eagerly. “Really? You have nothing to do? Then can you come drill me with the sword for a while? I’ve been meaning to ask you, you’re the best I’ve ever seen or heard of- better than my old weaponsmaster-”

The warrior smiled, showing wickedly gleaming teeth as she sheathed her knife. “Alright Jon, if you think you can handle my kind of regimen.”

A bored voice cut across the corral. “Good, and do us the favor of ridding us of him while you’re at it. I get sick of having a half-demon around.”

Jon stiffened, and turned. His half-brother stood there, aloofly watching the group from outside the fence.

Michael’s eyes narrowed at this insult to her friend and she advanced toward him, drawing one of her twin blades. As she drew near, she flicked the tip at his chin and said in a low voice, “You’d best be holding your tongue, Cloasia, else I’ll deign to sully my blades on your worthless hide. It’d be doing everyone else a favor, that’s certain.”

He smiled humorlessly, but gave no reply as he watched her go.

Jon brushed past him wordlessly, causing Cloasia to glare at the back of his head as his half-brother strode to catch up with the young warrior. Cloasia picked at some imagined filth on his fine clothes and swept off toward the castle, temporarily deprived of his target.

Katie looked from Michael and Jon to Cloasia, and back again, then followed her two friends with a faintly disgruntled expression. This had been going on ever since the arrived here at the castle- open enmity between Jon and Cloasia for no apparent reason, Michael’s growing and obvious dislike of Cloasia, encounters of this same sort…

Katie sighed as she settled against the fence of the training yards. Cloasia never really bothered her, and he never did anything past insult Jon. What she couldn’t understand was why they didn’t leave each other alone- live and let live, way she saw it.

Jon and Michael were standing in the center, drawing their swords.

“I don’t trust him,” Michael said suddenly, breaking the silence.

“Nor do I,” Jon admitted as they circled each other.

“I’m not sure why,” she continued, feinting and striking at the prince with a series of attacks, one after another, preventing him from any speech.

When she finally withdrew, he was breathing heavily with exertion but said darkly, “Oh trust me, I know why.”

“Why?” she said impishly, moving suddenly for a low cut. “Because he’s an ass?”

Jon laughed shortly but didn’t elaborate, as he was too busy fending off her rapid-fire attacks.

Katie shook her head and walked off toward the stables, more troubled than before. She let herself into her stallion’s stall and rubbed his neck affectionately. “I just don’t know, Flyer. I can’t excuse Cloasia for his behavior, but… they shouldn’t judge him without giving him a chance. Does that seem right to you?” She leaned back to stare in his eye.

Flyer snorted and she laughed. “Oh, I don’t know, boy. It just seems so pointless. Guess I’ll just be the one to give him a chance, and maybe he’ll change.” She reached up and scratched behind his ears thoughtfully. “I’m not even sure what we’re doing here. I know Robin had that seer’s dream thing, but-” she stopped and blinked. “She never did tell us for certain if she found what she was looking for.” She resumed scratching, confused. “That’s strange. I guess she must have found something; I mean, we stopped here.” Katie dug into her pocket and handed a treat to Flyer. “I don’t mind it, I guess. I just don’t like being so far from the Wall, and so far from home.”

“Aww, are you homesick?” a voice mocked.

She turned around to see Cloasia standing outside her stall with a sneer on his face.

“I thought you were headed inside, Cloasia,” Katie said, puzzled, ignoring his sarcasm.

He shrugged. “I changed my mind. Is that a problem?”

Katie studied him. He was fair, with hair the same white as Jon’s, and, like Jon, was quite obviously not entirely human or elfin. His short, slightly curly hair revealed ears that were pointed at the end, and a strange sort of hook-serrated at the lobe; his eyes, now fixed on giving her stare-for-stare, had no whites- they were a deep midnight blue, and in place of an iris and pupil he had a gathering of tiny pricks of light, like stars.

“Do you want to go on a ride with me?” Katie asked impulsively.

He gave a start and stared at her. “What?”

“Do you want to go on a ride with me?” she repeated.

He gave her a somewhat confused scowl and asked, “Why?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. For fun. I don’t want to go by myself. Do you want to come?”

He recovered himself and rolled his eyes. “Sure, I guess.”

Katie grinned at his retreating back and moved to saddle her horse, leading him out of the stables before mounting him out of sheer habit. It wasn’t as if Flyer, Silver, or Michael’s horse Spirit were ordinary horses- they were far too canny to, say, rear and cause their riders injury, but in Katie’s lessons on the other side of the Wall she had always been taught the dangers of mounting indoors.

Michael. Katie frowned at that thought. Michael was her best friend… and she didn’t trust Cloasia. Was this ride a good idea?

She spotted Cloasia approaching on his horse and shrugged inwardly, dismissing her misgivings. Oh well. Flyer would protect her, if Michael’s mistrust did prove grounded.

____

I know not much actually happens in this one, but bear with me please... I had to make divides where they could most easily be fit in. thanks all :)
Drummer, beat, and dancer, fly
The floods of war are crashing nigh
Raise the mountain, blade the fire
And woe to they who voked your ire…
-----People do speak in semicolons; they just don't know it.------
  





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Wed May 30, 2007 11:22 pm
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Fan says...



Hello!

Michael seated herself and drew a boot dagger, idly cleaning under her nails with the tip.

I think it would sound better if you said 'Michael seated herself, drew a boot dagger, and began idly cleaning her nails with the tip.

Also, what chapter is it? It sounds like some time has passed since the first one but I'm not sure if some chapters have been left out.

Apart from these niggles, good story!
Last edited by Fan on Thu May 31, 2007 7:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Thu May 31, 2007 1:09 am
sworddance says...



Hey :D Thanks for the crit. It's the first "chapter"; the first post was technically a prologue. I hesitate to give these segs the label of "chapter", because this story is really more of a novella, and the divisions in it weren't intended to be chapters. It would be a bit foolish to label them so, since I don't feel that these segments are complete as chapters in and of themselves... but for your sanity and that of others who might read it, I may just have to bite the bullet and call them that whether they are or not.
bei'theh! :D

~sworddance
Drummer, beat, and dancer, fly
The floods of war are crashing nigh
Raise the mountain, blade the fire
And woe to they who voked your ire…
-----People do speak in semicolons; they just don't know it.------
  





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Thu May 31, 2007 10:36 am
Myth says...



Cloasia doesn't appear to have much of a purose apart from throwing insults at Jon. He seems to be a charater you could develop, so many times I've seen arrogant characters just there to annoy the protagonist. So maybe do something about that?

I'm also not sure how much time has passed from the prologue, could be hours or a day. You could put it in by using conversation.

I realise now what you meant by 'They here'.

Myth
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'...'
  





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Thu May 31, 2007 10:45 am
sworddance says...



Don't worry, Cloasia does have a purpose. We'll see if you get to see it in the next seg- not sure how long it will be or how much it will cover before it gets too long. Thanks for mentioning the time thing; I can tweak a conversation in the next segment to cover it. I'll putting the next couple sections in a separate thread, so there will only be two sections per thread, if I stick to my plan :D
As soon as I get that up, I'll come back to this and edit it to link the post.
kvesh'alor, sib.

~sworddance

viewtopic.php?p=204381#204381

there we go ;)
Drummer, beat, and dancer, fly
The floods of war are crashing nigh
Raise the mountain, blade the fire
And woe to they who voked your ire…
-----People do speak in semicolons; they just don't know it.------
  





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Sat Jun 02, 2007 2:56 am
chocoholic says...



This was interesting. I don't really read much fantasy, but from the little fantasy stories I've read, this was really cool.
  





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Sun Jun 03, 2007 1:43 am
Poltergiest says...



Ok, here it goes...

It was really well done! I like how you refered to the "Electric things". Made me feel so technilogical. :wink:
I like the Half-Demon Prince and the one with the swords. I wonder what he was doing in the stables the first place... Hmm... :?
I like how you made a brand new world and connected it to the modern day one. Really cool. Off to read the next bit then...

~Pol
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own

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Thu Jun 07, 2007 8:50 pm
Twit says...



I *do* like this - I know you did such a good job correcting WAW, but honestly, I don't think there's anything that could be improved in here!

On a side note, do you ride horses yourself?
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Thu Jun 07, 2007 10:13 pm
Brizingr says...



It's awesome. Did you by chance get any ideas from Inuyasha?
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Fri Jun 08, 2007 12:16 am
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sworddance says...



Thanks for the review guys :D To answer your questions, no, I don't ride horses. It's a friend of mine who is the closest thing to a horse expert that I have to talk to, so I pick up stuff from her and incorporate what I know to make it as realistic as possible. If I have no clue whatsoever, I... avoid it. hahaha I try to dodge certain things without seeming like I'm dodging them :roll: it works half the time...
Oh, and no, I didn't get the ideas from Inuyasha. I assume you're talking about Jon? He's actually a really old character from some of my other works, and believe it or not, he was around before I ever saw Inuyasha. The demon idea in Hexachord is stolen from the same piece of mine that I stole Jon, though it's better developed there. :wink: Although, too be completely honest, I don't remember if Jon's appearance was developed before or after I saw Inuyasha for the first time, cause it's been so long. I think it was different at some point, more elfin, maybe, and it may have been before I saw the show. *scratches head* that may have been where I got the idea of having demons -again, this is that other work- like Jon, not the evil ones, spliced with animals.
...anyway, thanks again for the crit. Kvesh'alor, sibs :D
Drummer, beat, and dancer, fly
The floods of war are crashing nigh
Raise the mountain, blade the fire
And woe to they who voked your ire…
-----People do speak in semicolons; they just don't know it.------
  








Education is education. We should learn everything and then choose which path to follow. Education is neither Eastern or Western; it is human.
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