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The Agri and the Engineer: 1.1



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Fri May 25, 2007 9:58 pm
tinny says...



1.1/Faye+Klar

Bright colourful strobe lights were spinning round and round, emitting erratic beams of light into the near darkness. Every now and then one would shine directly into Klar's eye from her seat at the bar, blinding her momentarily. She would curse quietly, using words so unusual to come from the mouth of a woman, but the sound was such a small one that it was inaudible even to herself, trapped below the melee of noise which flooded her senses. In Klar's mind, the music was always the worst part. The bass-lines were always so thick and heavy that she could feel the sounds reverberate deep in the bones of her chest. It was a decidedly sickening feeling, and the main reason why Klar never frequented the clubs; regardless of where they were.

No, the only reason why Klar had even set foot outside of her apartment that night was because of Faye. Her friend was celebrating her promotion, and so Klar was required to make sure that she was still alive by the end of it. Not that Faye would notice; she was already lost to the world. Dancing in the throbbing heart of the crowd, her arms outreached in ignorant euphoria. A myriad of pink and orange lights were dancing around her head, bobbing up and down with the pulse of the beat. Bees. Klar had a pair too. Blue, they lay nestled in her pallid green hair at either side of the every watchful flea, their pale light reflected on its mirrored steel surface. She'd been given them what seemed like eons ago, and they had slipped out of fashion soon after they came into her possession.

"Klar-abella-rina-rooney!" Klar looked up. Faye had evidently grown tired of dancing on her own. "Will you come and join in? Please?" She pouted and swayed from side to side unsteadily. Unfortunately, Klar knew what this meant.

"Have you been popping?" She asked, a frown forming on her pale face. Faye said nothing, although the wide gormless grin spread across her flushed face was answer enough. "Oh God, already? Faye, we've been out for an hour and a half, and you're already tripping!"

"Oh come-on!" She pleaded, and began to rock back and forth on the balls of her feet. Faye folded her arms and then sniffed. "Fine, don't dance with me, I'll have fun enough on my own!" And with that she stuck out her tongue and flounced back onto the dance-floor. Klar sighed, and the bees in her hair, as if sensing her annoyance, hummed uncomfortably.

"Is this seat taken?" She looked up, slightly surprised by the sudden interruption of her thoughts. After a quick glance at the rest of the bar, she shrugged wearily. As she was the only one at the bar, then why ask? He would have sat next to her anyway, regardless of what her answer would have been.

"Care for a drink?" He was all smiles at the mouth, yet Klar noticed, not in the eyes.

"No thank you, I'm fine." She said curtly, keeping an ever watchful eye on Faye.

"Please, I insist. Name's Fehlings."

"Klar. Fine. I'll have a Soda-water." His smile faltered slightly at this, although Klar didn't really mind. It would no doubt be better than whatever form of exotic cocktail Fehlings had ordered. While she waited, Klar avoided looking at him, she could already feel his eyes creeping over her, and all Klar really wanted to do was go home and sleep. Unlike some people, she had to go to work in the morning. Eventually, their drinks came.

"Care for a little something to spice things up?" He held out a pack of tablets. Caps. The same stuff which Faye was currently tripping on. Klar scowled and wrinkled her nose.

"No, thank you. I'm fine without."

"Oh come on," Fehlings smiled and popped and pair out into his palm, before tipping them into his lucid green drink, effervescing as they dissolved, "it's not like Nocebo looks down on it or anything."

"I'm not a No-no." She replied wearily. Fehlings' smile slipped again. Caps were illegal, although no-one in law-enforcement seemed to be too bothered by this. It was used by most inhabitants of New-Site; regardless of level or stature. For a long while there was an awkward silence between them, although Klar knew that what was a mere nuisance, a mild annoyance to her, was unbearably uncomfortable for him. It was only broken when Faye stumbled back over, tears dripping down her face.

"K-K-K-Klar..." She stammered, before dropping down to her knees and wailing uncontrollably. Klar sighed, the same thing always happened whenever they went out. Every time it ended in tears, and they never seemed to be Klar's

"C'mon, let's get you home." She grabbed hold of Faye's arm and half pulled, half dragged, her to her unsteady feet. Faye hiccupped, and continued to whimper. Fehlings sniffed, either in disgust or distain, but Klar couldn't bring herself to work out which. She left him alone at the bar with no word of thanks, or word of goodbye. Just a glass of untouched soda-water.

---
Something about this is bugging me, but I can't work out what. Any assistance, in any shape or form, would be greatly appreciated ^^
Last edited by tinny on Sun Feb 24, 2008 11:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Sat May 26, 2007 4:58 am
Sam says...



Hey, Tinny!

I thought this piece was really quite cool- it was futuristic without being overly metallic and harsh, and it was realistic, though elegant. Definitely a mixture that makes for a good story.

I especially liked the way the characters interacted. You've got Faye, the party girl, and Klar, the sensible one, each fleshed out very well to become unique. (Faye was almost sad to me, in a way. :wink:)

We're in the same boat, however, as far as sentences go. We both like long sentences packed with adjectives, and, while these can be very pretty, they're kind overwhelming. It's important- especially in description- to keep sentence lengths varied. If they're to be long, keep them long, but only when necessary- if you've already described an object's color and shape in the same sentence, start a new one to describe its feel.

If you're not sure how varied your sentences are, count clauses. For example, your first paragraph goes: 224213. See how they don't jump very far very often? When they're like this, the reader can easily predict the rhythm that's coming ahead, and sleeps through it. Dramatic changes draw attention: a 4 followed by a 1 would be very snappy, and could bring life to otherwise-dull description. It doesn't matter very much what you say, as long as you can put words together, but varying sentence lengths really makes it interesting and much more stylistic when you get to the finished product.

You don't have to scrap whole paragraphs- simply break off a clause or two and make a new sentence, when appropriate. Playing around with the way it sounds is the most fun editing you can do, in my huble opinion.

Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions- this is definitely a story I'm going to watch. :D
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Sat May 26, 2007 2:04 pm
Myth says...



Fishy wrote:The bass-lines were always so thick and heavy that she could feel the sounds reverberate deep in the bones of her chest.


I liked that, reminds me of the summer hols where I live and so much music is played at full volumne.

Tinny wrote:Blue, they lay nestled in her pallid green hair at either side of the every watchful flea, their pale light reflected on its mirrored steel surface.


every = ever?

*

Hello Fish!

Didn't see much to pick out but noticed a couple of unnecessary 'was' and 'were's.

I liked the bees in her hair and their shared feelings with Klar. And she has green hair =]
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  





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Sat May 26, 2007 2:15 pm
Insomnia says...



Hey Fish. I agree with Myth and Sam. This was really fun. Didn't drag on like some thigns you can read. And I'm not just talking about stuff on here lol.

The same stuff which Klar was currently tripping on.

Did you mix up the name there? xD

Fehlings sniffed, either in disgust or distain,

Should that be disdain? That could be a different country/different spelling thing, so I'm not sure.

Just one question? Is her green hair natural? Because she doesn't seem quite like the character that would dye it green lol.

Anyway, great story. I liked the characters. Are we going to see them again? :)

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Mon May 28, 2007 3:22 am
Trident says...



This was a pleasant piece of writing. I'd very much agree with Sam's comments over sentence structure. Play around with it a bit. And I noticed a few adverbs/adjectives and the like that could be cut. Make things more compact. Let's see if I can give you an example:

Bright colourful strobe lights [s]were spinning[/s] spun round and round, emitting erratic beams of light into the near darkness. Every [s]now and then[/s] few seconds, one would shine directly into Klar's eye from her seat at the bar, blinding her [s]momentarily[/s]. She would curse quietly, [s]using[/s] words [s]so[/s] unusual [s]to come[/s] coming from the mouth of a woman. The sound was such a small one that it was inaudible even to herself, trapped below the melee of noise which flooded her senses.


Your descriptions were quite lively. Might I suggest even going further with this and create new descriptions that actively engage our minds. The way they are now is good, but I think you can go much further with it.

"Klar-abella-rina-rooney!"


"I'm not a No-no," she replied wearily.


Fabulous world-building. I really enjoyed the term No-no. ^_^

I also caught some telling; while some might be necessary, it's best to keep it to a minimum. Put it in dialogue if you can.
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Mon May 28, 2007 10:34 pm
tinny says...



Sam:Reading through it again, I can see what you mean with the sentance varietion and the clauses. I think that was the thing that was bugging me about it ^^ Thank you mucho for looking at it for me!

Mythos: The music feeling came from my sister's, she always plays it so very loud... And yes, that should be ever! *goes to change* I'm glad you like the bees ^^

Insanityabounds: Yeah, that should be Faye, *shudders* Klar high... I'm not sure about the distain or disdain thing, I'll check it out. I don't know if her hair is naturla or not yet, I havn't decided XD

Trident: I can see what you mean about the adverbs and adjectives, there are quite a few. And I'll remember about descriptions. And I'll sort of the telling, I know it's there, I'm just hoping it'll go away by itself ;)

Thankyou all for the feedback!

And there should be more when I get time to jab things.
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Tue Feb 26, 2008 1:00 am
Teague says...



Yo yo yo, Little Tin Fishy! *waves*

It was a decidedly sickening feeling, and the main reason why Klar never frequented the clubs; regardless of where they were.

Something about the semicolon bugs me -- I personally would use a comma.

Dancing in the throbbing heart of the crowd, her arms outreached in ignorant euphoria.

"Outreached" gives me the wrong connotative idea. Something like "outstretched" might be slightly better.

She asked, a frown forming on her pale face.

I've never been a fan of capitalising pronouns after dialogue if they're speech tags. But in this context I suppose there's nothing blatantly wrong with it.

Every time it ended in tears, and they never seemed to be Klar's

Typo! Seems like you're missing a period. ;)

Well, Fishy, this seems interesting. I don't think I've read enough to give a definite verdict yet. No major complaints with your writing -- it's very fluent and moves reasonably, giving it a fresh feel. Well done.

I'm off to read more! :D

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Sun Jan 04, 2009 7:05 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



The tone for this piece was kind of slow, despite the frenetic scene of a club it is describing. It comes across kind of dull and bored. And it completely works! Seriously, it captures the character's feeling so well as she endures the club. Very nice.

I like the worldbuilding, especially with the bees and the caps. You weren't over the top, but you had a lot in here and it makes it feel real. Very nice.

"Oh come on. (period)" Fehlings smiled and popped and "a"? pair out into his palm, before tipping them into his lucid green drink, effervescing as they dissolved.(period) "It's not like Nocebo looks down on it or anything."


That sentence in the middle about the caps is really kinda long and overrun. Perhaps breaking it up would be a good idea.

ex. Fehlings smiled and popped a pair out into his palm before tipping them into his lucid green drink. They effervesced as they dissolved, forming a thin foam across the top of the liquid.

Any better?

Anyway, this looked really good. I'm interested by your world (the characters felt a little flat to me, but it is the only the beginning and they haven't had much of a chance to do anything) and what kind of story might take place in it. I'm off to read more!

Write on!

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Fri Jan 16, 2009 7:04 pm
BobcatPoet says...



Excellent piece of work. Keep going and keep revising. PM me! I love your work!
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