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Deep in Mud (Revised Version)



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Thu May 17, 2007 10:17 pm
Emerson says...



All comments/critiques are welcome!
---

Deep in Mud

Stone by stone I wall you in.
I'll always be with you.
Stone by stone I wall you in,
And nobody will hear you scream.

—Rammstein

Ivan pinched his cigarette between his lips and lit the end. The tip glowed in the darkness as he inhaled. The forest still smelt like rain and the ground was muddy. The tall trees blocked out most of the moonlight, only leaving enough for visibility. Beyond that, it seemed like no light was ever allowed into such an isolated area.

“Now that we are here, tell me again. Do you agree to this?” Ivan spoke with a calm tone, casually flicking the ashes from his cigarette’s end.

Lucas watched the ashes fall, then quickly said, “I want this just as much as you do.”

The man took another deep inhale, and the cigarette’s tip glowed like a miniature sun. “You have beautiful eyes,” he spoke, brushing the younger one’s hair from his face.

“And you have the voice of Dionysus.”

There was a pause between the two speaking, as if the elder was contemplating, and the younger was worried.

“Give me your hand,” Ivan demanded suddenly. The boy held out his arm without any hesitation.

Ivan took the cigarette from his lips, the tip smoldering brightly, and pressed it firmly onto Lucas’ upturned wrist. His flesh singed under the cigarette’s tip, and though Lucas felt like the cigarette would burn right through him, a faint moan escaped from his lips. Lucas’ arm flinched under the pain, wanting to escape but not allowing itself that power. When the end of the cigarette finally seemed to die, Ivan brought it back to his lips and relit it.

“It feels good, doesn’t it?” Ivan rocked on the ball of his heals, laughing a little bit.

Lucas stared at the puffy, red circle that swelled on his skin. “Is it all going to be like this?” He seemed unmoved and yet his voice shook, fearful of what was to come.

“You agreed, did you not? It will feel so much better than a little burn.” Ivan grinned as he tossed his cigarette to the dirt. He pulled Lucas’ body to him, and wrapped his arms around the boy’s waist. Ivan pulled him closer still, until their bodies were molded together like the mud, touching every part of the other carelessly. He kissed the boys plump lips, but pulled away suddenly. “You do agree to this, don’t you? You did before, but please tell me now that you still do, before I do too much of what I can never take back.”

Lucas drew in a quick breath, like that single kiss had already driven him over the edge. He ran his fingers through Ivan’s dark hair, twisting it gently. “Kiss me again,” he muttered, “and then I will answer.”

Their lips pressed together, but with more force. Ivan eagerly opened his mouth, and caught the boys lip between his teeth. He first bit gently, testing Lucas’ reaction. Seeing that the boy only moved his mouth to a more willing position, Ivan bit harder. Lucas made a small whimper, but his hands still run all over Ivan’s body, caressing him where ever his fingers could reach.

“Yes,” he spoke through the kiss, “please, start before I change my mind.”

Ivan’s face held a broad smile. He pushed Lucas down onto his knees, forcing him to kneel in the mud.

“Mud is beautiful though disgusting, don’t you think?” Ivan asked. He did not stoop down into the mud, though, like he had forced Lucas to do. His black boots were covered in mud already, but he did not intend to cover himself in it yet.

“Why do you stall and ask those questions? Do what we have come here for.” Lucas’ words were rushed, and the slightest sense of hesitation could be heard in his voice.

Ivan pulled a knife from his coat pocket.

“Is this what you wanted?” Ivan asked as he pulled the blade out of its case. He placed the tip of the knife to Lucas’ temple lightly, and traced down to his chin. As the knife went down, Lucas tried hard to follow it with his eyes. It made no cut, but the delicate scrape over his skin sent shivers of expectance through his body.

“No, it is what I need.” Lucas reached out and clasped Ivan’s wrists, as if to ask for more. Ivan chuckled at the pleading look he had.

Ivan pushed him off and slid the knife back in its sheath. He walked to a pile of things they had brought out with them: rope, a shovel, a whip, and other odd tools. He picked up the rope and walked back to Lucas.

“Put your arms behind your back.” Ivan wrapped the rope around Lucas’ wrists, and pulled it tight. He grabbed the end of the rope and dragged him through the mud. It gathered in his hair, on his back, the mud covered

“What are you doing?” Lucas shouted. He kicked his legs and dug his heals into the ground in an effort to stop what was happening, but it was to no avail.

“I’m only moving you, darling. Please, control yourself.” After dragging Lucas for some way, Ivan had him sitting against a tree. “I can’t have you passing out and falling over. You must be sitting up.”

Ivan paced around the tree for a few moments, then hunched in front of Lucas. “Should I tie you to the tree, as well?” he joked. From his pocket he once again pulled out the knife. Ivan cut a slit in the center of Lucas’ shirt, and ripped it until his chest was showing. He continued cutting and ripping until the shirt was completely off.

“Are you going to slice my skin and let me bleed?” He was slightly sarcastic.

“Not yet, I can’t ruin everything.” Ivan put the knife on the ground and took a lighter from his pocket. He flicked it until the bright flame showed; in the darkness, it seemed to be the only light, just like the cigarette had been.

The flame glowed for a few minutes on its own, simply hovering over the lighter. Lucas began to wonder what Ivan was going to do, but before he could prepare for it, he felt it. Ivan had moved quickly, and was now holding the lighter so the flame burned on Lucas’ chest. It singed and burned away what little hair was there, and left bright red welts. Ivan moved the fire across his chest until the flame rested under his right nipple.

Lucas bit his lip to divert his body from one pain to the other.

“Does it hurt?”

“Yes!” he shouted. He moved around wildly, trying to escape the flame.

“Do you want more?”

Again Lucas bit his lip, but this time he appeared to be thinking. Ivan leaned forward, still holding the flame to Lucas’ chest, and kissed him. He pushed on his mouth until he got it open, and soon the excitement they both felt caused him to drop the lighter as their tongues played together.

Ivan straddled Lucas, wrapping his arms tightly around his neck. He moved his lips across his face and down to his neck. Ivan kissed passionately, but just as soon as he had caressed the skin with his lips, he opened his mouth and bit down.

A scream which melted into a groan of satisfaction escaped from Lucas’ mouth while he writhed to escape. “Oh, God...” he muttered under his breath.

Ivan reached behind him and grabbed the knife without Lucas’ notice. He wrapped his arms around him again, and bit more deeply into Lucas’ neck. His teeth pinched the flesh, tearing through it until small droplets of blood rolled down Lucas’ skin. As Ivan did so, he drew the knife across the boy’s back with as much pressure as he could manage.

Lucas lunged forward when he felt the knife carving into him, almost knocking Ivan off of his lap. The large cut, which spread from his right shoulder blade to his left side, began stinging as blood trickled out.

“You keep surprising me,” Lucas said, laughing.

“Do you like what you feel?” Ivan’s voice was full of sensuality. He kissed Lucas’ shoulder and licked his salty skin. His tongue traveled from there and up his neck, to the spot behind his ear. “Tell me.”

Lucas gnashed his teeth, not used to the abuse that was being given to him. “Yes,” he muttered.

Ivan smiled as he brushed the boy’s hair from his eyes and said, “What can I do for my dearest?” He stroked Lucas’ chest like he was an animal.

“I need more.” He tried to move his arms, to reach out and pull Ivan toward him, but the ropes held him back. “Damn it, Ivan. I…Are you going to only let me bleed to death?”

“I would never; I’m just letting you catch your breath.” Ivan smiled, and kissed him sweetly on the forehead. He rose and walked back over to the tool pile. He picked up an item which looked like a rod with two metal prongs on the end and a dog’s chocker leash.

He walked slowly back to where Lucas sat. Ivan loosened the leash to fit it around the boy’s head and put it on his neck. He pulled a little to remove the slack, and the spikes the lined the collar pressed to the skin.

He touched the prongs of the other instrument to Lucas’ chest, “You’ll love this.” He pressed a button. A low jolt of electricity flowed though his body. Lucas convulsed, both from the shock running through him and from the surprise.

“What the hell is that?” Lucas shouted. Though he enjoyed the pain, he didn’t like the feeling it left behind. His body shook violently as the electricity still ran through him.

Ivan grinned, “Do you not like it?” He pulled on the end of the leash, and the spikes dug into flesh. Lucas shrieked.

His chest heaved high, then slowly lowered. He rolled his head in a slow circle, trying to breathe again. “Don’t fucking shock me.” His voice had become stern.

“You agreed,” Ivan said coldly, as he put the prong to Lucas’ neck and shocked him in.

Lucas let out a yelp and seemed to stop breathing. His head dropped lightly, then suddenly he lifted it back up again. “Stop, please!” In response, Ivan yanked on the chocker. The spikes pierced through Lucas’ skin and tore on the wounds. Lines of blood ran down his shoulders and chest. He convulsed and stared up at Ivan with glazed eyes.

“This is what you needed, isn’t it? More, you asked.” As Ivan spoke he came closer to Lucas. “I’m only giving you what you asked for.” Ivan pressed the boy’s lips with his own.

Tears slowly rolled down Lucas’ cheeks. Ivan ignored him, and as he cried, he kissed him harder, their tongues sliding together like snakes. To try to get him to stop, Lucas bit down on Ivan’s tongue, but it seemed only to entice him. When they stopped, Ivan had an evil look on his face.

“I didn’t want this,” Lucas tried to plead; “This isn’t what I agreed to!”

Ivan laughed and got up. He walked to the pile, and lifted up the shovel. “It is too late to take anything back, my darling. You are mine,” Ivan said. He pushed the shovel into the mud; it was a perfect night for this.

Lucas lifted his head and tried to see what Ivan was doing. It was then that he realized Ivan was not digging a hole—he was digging a grave.“Please don’t do this, please!”

Still digging, Ivan said, “Don’t complain. I’m only giving you the burial you deserve.” He laughed, and lifted the leash off of the ground. He tugged on it, and Lucas fell forward. He pulled harder again, but Lucas’ body was only dragged through the mud. He gasped for air, and kicked his legs like the times before. As he lied, face smearing with mud, each breath was a struggle. He had stopped feeling any pleasure.

“Why do you have to do this?” he whined. Lucas tried to stand, which gained Ivan’s attention.

“You are mine,” Ivan said as he walked towards him, “If I put you in the mud, you lie in the mud.” He grabbed Lucas by the hair and thrust his face back into the mud.

Rolling onto his back, Lucas stared at the sky. The mud had gotten into his mouth; cold and grainy, but tasteless. “Are you going to kill me first? Hurt me more before that, even?” His voice was scarcely heard.

“I can hurt you all I want. But I’m not going to kill you.” Hearing what Ivan said, Lucas felt a little ease. The man paused for a moment and only stared deeply into Lucas’ eyes. He wanted to catch him off guard.

“You still have a voice like Dionysius,” Lucas whispered. The mud stuck to his back and crawled into his cut, soothing the burning sensation only a little.

Ivan kicked him hard in the ribs, and Lucas curled in a ball, wheezing. “How much pain until it kills you?” he said, going back to digging.

“What the…hell is wrong with you?” Lucas wheeze out, but he got no reply. He rolled in the mud, and it seemed like he was completely covered in it. He had lost control of his body and started shaking.

Ivan stopped digging, and walked again to where he lay. “You are beautiful,” he said slowly. “You are more beautiful than the others. But you are still one of them.”

A crack of thunder was heard from far off, a remnant of the storm that had passed. “It’s time,” Ivan whispered, as he grabbed Lucas’ arm and lifted him up. When Lucas finally stood, Ivan pulled the collar off of him. His neck was vibrant purple mixed with the red of his blood. Ivan led him forward, and at every other step he had to lift him back up or hold him still.

Finally, they were to the hole Ivan had dug.

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to miss you,” Ivan whispered, as he let go of Lucas and pushed him in. Before he could even hear Lucas crying and begging, he lifted the shovel and started to fill the hole with dirt.

Ivan lowered his head in mourning. “Rest in peace, my dearest one.”
Last edited by Emerson on Thu May 31, 2007 5:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
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Sat May 19, 2007 12:05 am
Writersdomain says...



Hello Claudette!

So, I read it, and it was very disturbing (I assume that is the impression you meant to give?), but quite well-written. First, I will address the question of conflict:

You mentioned to me that you think this needed more conflict from the start. I think that for the material included in this story, you did an apt job of introducing conflict in a subtle, but powerful way. If you were to add more conflict to this, I feel you would have to move back a bit in the timeline of the story and use some kind of background events to lead up to this. I feel that forcing anymore conflict into this piece with strictly the material included here would be milking it a little too much and could easily detract from the power of this piece. As for things that could be done to add more conflict near the beginning:

1. Including more of Lukas's fears and emotions - body language is great for this. If done right, it could be very powerful, but be careful not to overdo his side of the story.

2. Use vague description to track Ivan and Lukas's journey/presence in the forest. I wouldn't suggest extensively describing any sort of journey as I like where this piece begins as is, but a little bit of vague description might introduce more conflict.

3. This piece seemed rather... detached, no so much because you didn't characterize Ivan and Lukas, but that you allowed their body language to speak solely for their emotions. I rather like it detached as it is, but adding more graphic detail and intensifying the body language and emotions within your characters might help introduce more conflict.

These are all simply suggestions as I don't know what goes on before or after this piece and I'm not sure exactly what you are aiming for in your conflict.

I like how sickly suave Ivan is and how you reveal bits and pieces of his twistedness as the story moves forward. Sometimes I felt his dialogue could have been a bit more 'enticing' for lack of a better word, but most of it was excellent.

“You agreed, did you not? It will feel so much better than a little burn.” Ivan grinned as he tossed his cigarette to the dirt.


Now that is Ivan.

As for Lucas, he struck me as the not-so-innocent victim, who had been convinced into something perhaps out of pity or Ivan, perhaps for some other unknown reason. I didn't get a very good feel for his overall personality, but you did characterize him well enough that the reader could relate and grew attached to him.

You mentioned to me that you were going to include more graphic detail, and I agree that more detail would make this piece more powerful. However, I would caution you not to overdescribe the actions too much (though I don't think that would be a problem for you. :wink: ); the sparse, short description of actions makes this very unsettling.

One last thing:

Ivan pinched his cigarette between his lips and lit the end. The tip glowed in the darkness as he inhaled. It still smelt like rain and the ground was muddy. The tall trees blocked out most of the moonlight, only leaving enough for visibility. Beyond that, it seemed like no light was ever allowed into such an isolated forest.


The length and structure of the sentences here made this part feel choppy; I had a hard time following the description and piecing it together.

In all, a very good piece, Clau! Nice job here and keep on writing. PM me if you need anything or just want to talk. :wink:

PS: Is it Lukas or Lucas?
Last edited by Writersdomain on Sun May 20, 2007 3:14 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Sat May 19, 2007 12:33 am
Insomnia says...



Hey Clau! I have to agree with Writer over there: if you were going for disturbing, unnerving, then you got it. There were only a few really minor things, most of them you don't need to change at all probably lol.

It was a demand, and not a question.

You don't really need and there. It doesn't really add anytihng, but it could stay. :)

as he bit Lucas’ ear lob

Should that be lobe?

And... yeah. That's all I got lol. But congrats on managing to make a story that creepy. I've read some horror novels and such that aren't as good as that. :)

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Sat May 19, 2007 2:31 am
luna_the_shiekah says...



So THIS was the piece you were working on when I was chatting with you! Well, damn. I loved it! The sensuality turned into brutality and horror rather effortlessly, a great transition :]

Claudette wrote:Lukas looked so young; he was twenty three but could easily have been mistaken for a seventeen-year-old.
I think it'd flow better if you changed the end to "mistaken for seventeen."
Claudette wrote:...Ivan spoke calm and emotionless.
I don't like this line. I think you should choose if you want him to speak without emotion or calmly. Perhaps change it to "Ivan spoke, calm." Or something of that nature.

That's all I could really nit pick at this point since I just liked it so much. Particularly the ending. I love how you elude to Ivan having done in people like this before.

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Sun May 20, 2007 1:34 am
Emerson says...



Merci to everyone, and most of all to WD since you critiqued at request and gave such a lovely response!

I'll take in everything everyone said and with any luck have it cleaned up soon.

I would really, really like to expand on this, even if in the slightest [though of course that idea came by suggestions...] but I'm glad that I am off to a good start.

Again, thanks all!
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Sun May 20, 2007 7:35 am
Nutty says...



Oh... what can I say?

That was extremely well written... I felt the change of mood as though I was there myself...

It was creepy, but in a good way, if you know what I mean.
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Sun May 20, 2007 8:04 am
whence says...



I've told you my viwes in the chat room,

I just thought I'd drop in to commend this publicly :D

Extremely well-written. It's tone is haunting. Like watching Salad Fingers in the dead of night, you think you should stop reading, but can't.

wonderful job-- I shall be looking forward to the re-write
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Mon May 21, 2007 2:28 am
Riedawriter23 says...



Lots of biting! Yes Clau, twas creepy and disturbing but in a very Clau way. What did you mean by "Hope I don't scare anyone too badly, or give them the wrong impression of me."? Haha. I really liked it . I'm sorry that the boy had to die in the end though. I'd even gotten attached to his character while reading this. Is. there going to be anymore? There could be a great sequel to this. Tell me when you've rewritten it, or even added more! Great Job! :)

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Mon May 21, 2007 2:48 am
something euclidean says...



Creepy as hell, very enthralling, and not overly descriptive but giving a very clear picture of what's going on. In a sick kind of way I enjoyed reading this - like whence said, it is a lot like saladfingers when only the computer is humming.

My one criticism would be that it seems like there's too much talking in the beginning. It's hard to get a sense of time with stretches of silence and how long they last, but a kind of feelilng of animal silence I think would be important to the beginning of this -- it would give it the sense of two lovers in the woods, (though they might be scared, reluctant, oddly matched, etc) before the real fright sets in. Most of the dialouge is tight and necessary, but there are a few lines you might consider cutting down or taking out. Like the "Is this what you wanted" - "no, it's what I need" exchange could be done through implication, body language and pressing silence, maybe a noise from Lucas.

Also: I could swear the spelling of Lukas-Lucas changed in the middle of this, but I might have the sleep crazies.





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Tue May 22, 2007 5:12 am
Snoink says...



Fun stuff! We always love a nice story about S&M, right? :P

Anyway! One thing I thought was weird was that the guy really didn't seem like he was 23 years old. I mean, I know some guys who are 23 year old and unless he was really fucked up (which is quite possible because DUDE... like... who would agree to being killed and stuff if he wasn't fucked up?). Still! He acted more like he was 15-17, so yeah. That kind of made my head hurt.

One thing I didn't like was that you TOLD us that he had agreed to die. I mean, you have all this lovely action of how he's killing him and stuff and then you say this:

He had agreed to be killed.

That just like... GUH. It's like, "How can I be more obvious?" Because once you said that, we knew exactly what was going to happen. I would rather have that sentence completely deleted and leave us, the lovely perverted readers, wondering exactly what L-Dude had agreed to.

SPEAKING OF WHICH!

Is it Lukas or Lucas? I mean... yeah. Unless you have three characters, find a spelling you like and keep it.

Hahaha... have fun! :D
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Thu May 24, 2007 12:49 am
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No Idea says...



yes it was very disturbing but extremely well written
and I really enjoyed it
I didn't really get way they were there and way he wonted to die.
But again it was a great story :)





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Thu May 24, 2007 9:30 pm
Firestarter says...



Hey Clau. I already passed on my preliminary thoughts to you, about how it wasn't actually graphic enough for me, and that the conflict wasn't intense enough -- mulling on it, I think the genuine problem is that it feels like the end of a story. The ending is known, and you're wrapping it up. I don't care much for the characters because I was never given a chance to know them or care for them. This doesn't detract too much from what is a powerful story, well-written and presented.

1) Avoid the repetition of words and phrases in the story. I think you could show more expansive vocabulary to describe the events. At the moment it's a little bland in places.

2) Increase the graphic detail. It is not shocking to me at all right now. I've seen similar in teenage stories. So up the intensity. Don't neccesarily just detail the strokes/torture methods, but increase the emotion -- this could link back to lack of character empathy. If I really cared about Lukas, it would hurt me more when he was hurt. Maybe look at that?

3) I'm with Snoink. Predictable ending. Bit boring really. Perhaps look at increasing the tension by not making the end result clear. If you have readers things it's just a torture pleasure thing, the death might be more horrible.

Hope that helps. Good luck with any revisions!
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Thu May 31, 2007 5:31 pm
Emerson says...



Thanks for all the comments and complaints!

It took me forever but I finally edited, both minor and major. The only thing (that I know of) that got ignored in the process was adding more scenes of violence, because I lack ideas ^^' But I think I cleaned it up, and that it looks better for now. Of course, I'll always be editing, won't I?
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Thu May 31, 2007 9:41 pm
Poor Imp says...



Disturbingly painful, Mlle. Clau, a continuous assault of the grotesque and untoward.* In fact, it reminded me of its quote. Rammstein, when screaming, is just as relentless as the torture piling up in this.

But pain has got to have a point, unless its point is flippant pointlessness. Yes?

Where is the conflict in this? I'm not certain I could be particularly sympathetic or fond of either character. Lucas is consenting, overtly; I don't pity him. he has asked for this, and having no background, history, thought, I don't have grounds for finding him anything more than 1) rather weak and/or 2)as twisted submissively as Ivan is dominating.

Ivan is a mask - cruel, careless, essentially faceless. Which is his role, if you will - only he needs a contrasting face to lend some tension.

Conflict then? Frankly, it might make a terribly intriguing psychological drama. But you'd have to get into Lucas's head. (I wouldn't suggest, though you might, getting into Ivan's head.)

What drew Lucas out to the graveyard and Ivan? Does he doubt at all, for any reason, that Ivan won't do precisely as he (seems) to have promised? Why do the two speak poetically, of Dionysysus, of lovely eyes?

Some of those questions might better the narrative if answered or implied. Others may just be impish inquisitiveness. ^_^

I must agree with Snoink - he seemed a boy quite a bit younger than twenty-three.

Anyhow, those are my first and second impressions. If you'd like, I'll try to get a line by line at some later point. ^_^





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Fri Jun 01, 2007 1:52 am
Dream Deep says...



I think this is much better on the rewrite, Till - from what I remember of the original draft, this is a bit clearer and the action's much tighter.

I've only got a moment, so I'll be back at some point to finish this off, but I just wanted to make this quick point on wording:

“Why do you have to do this?” he whined. Lucas tried to stand, which gained Ivan’s attention.


'Whined' - it sounds so petulant and childish, too weak for the situation. Maybe you could find a more suitable verb?

And with that I really do have to run... I'll try to get back to this after the weekend.








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