z

Young Writers Society


The Difference Between Landmines and Time Bombs



User avatar
196 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 196
Fri Mar 30, 2007 1:18 am
Shriek says...



The Difference Between Landmines and Time Bombs
Written March 28, 2007.

For Lauren:
May you be the substitute for no one.


I.

Reese Ryan was one of those girls. You know; One of them. She was the mere embodiment of the word “captivating.” She was infatuated with wearing skirts, scrounging for money, chance happenings, stargazing, the smell of coffee shops and baseball diamonds, moving mountains, awkward conversation and God. She danced around her bedroom in her underwear: one of those much talked about rituals that everyone says they practice but no one (outside of movies and television at least) does. She had never been fond of writing and didn’t, but if she’d recorded her thoughts – if only for a day – those thoughts would have been seized immediately for printing, translated into multiple languages, and sold millions – to say that least of her sapience. They called her the “time bomb,” a testament to her explosive personality, and reckless nature. Though she, being more of a landmine than anything, knew it simply wasn’t true. She was like beams of light: translucent and beautiful, but never tangible. Indeed, many a man had tried to catch her, but their attempts were in vain. You would sooner build a tower to the Heavens than catch Reese Ryan. Such was the nature of the girl. You know; One of them.

II.

Sebastian Kellogg, of course, was not one of those guys; He, by default, was one of us. One of those people who are good, but never attains true greatness. He tended to stagger toward phrases such as “barely breaking even” or “just scraping by.” He jumped from one low paying job to the next, functioned on beer and Monday Night Football, wove in and out of relationships indifferently, one desperate, intoxicated tramp after another. And this tragically mediocre heap of a man had the nerve and the gall to define himself as such: a hopeless romantic (who had, in all actuality, never experienced love), a travel enthusiast (who had, to be completely honest, never left the confines of his house); and an adamant lover of life (who was, in fact, all but dead.) Would we go as far as to accuse Sebastian Kellogg of living a lie? Naturally no, him being one of our own. People like us see themselves as skewed delusions of dreams: Who We Are and Who We Dream of Being is never the same person. Sebastian Kellogg’s dreams were no different than our own – he’d just fallen into that all too familiar trap of being, well, human. You know; one of us.

III.

Sebastian’s discovery of Reese was a miraculous thing in itself. A cool, clear Thursday night found Sebastian outside the house he lived in with his parents (being the unemployed college burnout he was), lighting a cigarette and staring into the blackness. From it, Reese emerged, along with the proverbial beams of light that followed her, ricocheting every which way. And there stood our poor Sebastian, puffing on his cigarette, completely incapable of tearing his eyes from her. He heard himself call out to her, but she and her clamorous beams of light walked on. After a moment’s hesitation, he stumbled down the steps of his porch and called out again. But the elusive Reese Ryan would not slow down.

So he mindlessly ran after her, flicking the cigarette butt onto the pavement and bellowing, “Hey, lady!” The author will note Sebastian’s inconsideration for the other members of the urban community in which he’d lived, who were stirred from their troubled slumbers as he galloped beneath their bedroom windows, shouting after Reese. The chase continued on for some time – how long, Sebastian didn’t know, just as he couldn’t pin a reason to his out-of-character scramble after the woman. The Sebastian we’d known prior to tonight would not leave the couch to change the channel, let alone dash through his neighborhood at four AM – and what can be said to rationalize these actions? Had there been something suspicious rolled into his cigarette? Had burning sense of adventure suddenly aroused in our lovable oaf? One couldn’t be entirely certain, but for whatever reason, an alarm was sounding in Sebastian: starting in his unfit legs, working through his gangly frame to his inebriated brain, every molecule within him was aching to catch this woman.

Reese eventually did halt – beneath the awning of a filthy and decrepit bus stop. The panting Sebastian gaped for the duration of a minute, shocked that she’d halted at all, before inventing an excuse to casually approach her. And she stood there and studied the stars, so he lit a cigarette and nonchalantly sauntered by. “You know,” he attempted, “you’re going to get yourself killed walking around out here.”

It was as if Sebastian’s words had been deflected from her ears by those radiant beams. She hadn’t heard him at all; Her eyes remained fastened upon the stars.

Frustrated that he and his nicotine fix were so casually brushed aside, Sebastian shoved himself into her immediate field of vision and said: “Hey, listen, lady. I worked as a security guard two blocks away a couple of months back – and there are a lot of creeps and weirdos around here, okay? What’re you thinking, walking around here at four in the morning?”

Reese gave him a hard, level stare (you know, one of those stares, the ones that just about knock you sideways), and when she parted her lips to say “Who are you?” he felt his insides convulse.

“Sebastian,” Sebastian said weakly.

Sebastian,” she repeated, laughing. (And her laughter was music.) “I love that name. Do you love it?”

“Not particularly, no,” Sebastian puffed.

“I’m Reese,” she said, extending her hand to him. Sebastian grasped it dumbly, his handshake feeble and irresolute.

“Listen, Sebastian,” she said. “I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate your concern – because, truly, I do – but I’m entirely capable of taking care of myself.” And of course, she was right. “Give me a cigarette.”

“What?”

“You’re just going to stand there and smoke, and not offer me one?”

“I’m sorry – you just don’t look the type—“

“I’m not.” She smiled, white and clean.

“Well, okay.”

He gave her a light, and the two stood there, inhaling and exhaling and staring up at the endless night sky and it’s glistening gems.

IV.

“Sebastian,” she said, when she’d finished her cigarette. “Let’s run away together.”

“What?”

“Let’s run away together,” she said, laughing that melodious, sarcasm-tinged laugh of hers. “God, do you know how many men I say that to a month?”

Sebastian shook his head no.

“At least a hundred, Sebastian. And they all jump at the chance. Follow me down alleyways, stalk me into restaurants, run circles around me with their fantastic proposals. ‘A house in the countryside, you and the kids.’ Men see something pretty and they want to marry it right away, claim it as theirs. Piss on it -- mark their territory. You’re all dogs, you know that?” When Reese said this, she looked directly into his eyes, and with such fearsome condescension he wanted to run home, dive under his sheets, and hibernate for days.

“I wasn’t going to propose to you,” Sebastian whispered.

“Oh, I know,” said she. “Maybe not right away, but you’d work up to it. A phone-call here, dozen roses there, picnics in the park, walks on the beach, anything to win my heart.”

Sebastian struggled for words, but the insufferable Reese pressed on.

“People see something in me, Sebastian, and I’m just so over it. They see that my life is the one they’ve always wanted for themselves. They have a fascination with the excitement that orbits my world. They are speechless to behold my beauty. They are mesmerized by my flawless façade, and they want what I have. They think of me day and night for weeks on end, tossing and turning in their beds, racking their brainless skulls wondering what they could do to be more like me. I have what they want most, and eventually they can’t stand it anymore.”

At this point in the conversation, such flames grew in Reese’s eyes that she began pacing, firing off words every which way. A speechless Sebastian watched with unhinged jaw and frightened eyes.

“They come to me and they say, ‘Reese, how do you do it? How do you live with such passion – what is your secret?’ I tell them to go screw themselves. ‘Get away from me,’ I say. ‘You’re all losers!’ Alcohol, cigarettes—“ (And having said this, she seized Sebastian’s pack of Camels and flung it across the street.) “Drugs, lies, violence, hate -- bowing to your ipods and cell phones, building altars to yourselves, offering your ‘friends’ as sacrifices – digging your own damn graves. You’re all monsters ... all of you!”

Tears welled in Reese’s eyes, and she looked to Sebastian with a compassion stained, heartbroken face.

“I just don’t get it. College burnout, wasted on weekends -- you’re just like the rest of them, and I knew it the second you started following me.”

Reese wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her coat and awarded Sebastian a watery smile. Then, she pressed a single match into the palm of his hand. “Good luck with your life.” As if on cue, the 5:15 AM bus rolled up, and Reese stepped on. And as the bus pulled away, Sebastian swore he heard her shout, “Go ahead, light something with it.”

V.

The stars rained on Sebastian like bombs. They fell from the sky into the corroded expanse inside his chest, gutting his heart of its decay. And suddenly ... everything he’d thought to be true looked plastic and forged. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to breathe. He felt blood crashing through his veins, ripping up rotten spores that had taken root within him. He felt like dancing, weeping, screaming at the top of his lungs, he felt invincible, he felt refreshed, he felt alive. A smile stretched itself across his face.

For a moment back there, Sebastian swore he’d grasped the meaning of life. Reese had been beautiful. Now, the cold air tasted sweet. The match burned, tucked away in his pocket. And nothing else mattered but the bombs. Bombs pouring in him; bombs obliterating everything.

VI.

The reader will be distressed to discover what fate had in store for our Reese following the exchange. At 6:15 PM, exactly eleven hours after her meeting with Sebastian had taken place, Reese took the bus home from work. This bus, along with three others, was hijacked by a group of terrorists and blast to pieces. 74 commuters were killed, three severely wounded. One indirect witness who’d been on the opposite end of a cell phone conversation with another passenger recalls an altercation between one of these terrorists and a bold young woman. The witness had been struck by the woman’s audacity and conviction under the circumstances. “She led those people on the bus, and something tells me she would have bargained her very life for them,” the witness said in an interview, voice breaking, tears cascading. “But in the end, the bombs got the best of her – they got the best of everyone.”

VII.

In trying to understand the prime difference between landmines and time bombs, the reader will note that landmines are apt to destroy anything that stumbles into their path. Landmines serve a purpose similar to that of barbed wire, securing borders and providing protection from enemy attacks. This stands in great contrast with the time bomb, whose résumé includes appearances in everything from action films to cartoons. The forever-charred Wile E. Coyote will attest to their versatility: time bombs, when planted anywhere, prove lethal.

But all this analysis, the author will boldly assert, is absolute shit. The difference between landmines and time bombs is superfluous in the context of the story, in the context of our time, in the context of the world. Just as a life is a life, a bomb is a bomb, and they both, indisputably – kill.
Last edited by Shriek on Thu Apr 05, 2007 9:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
i thought you were shallow, but then i fell in deep.
  





User avatar
563 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 13816
Reviews: 563
Fri Mar 30, 2007 2:00 am
Writersdomain says...



Hey Shriek!

I really enjoyed this. It was written in a very unique way - one I haven't seen much around here- but it was well-written and beautifully done. Your description of Reese and Sebastian is wonderful, and your narrative throughout the story is well-done. I really don't have any criticism. This was very good. :D
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas
  





User avatar
196 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 196
Sun Apr 01, 2007 1:49 am
Shriek says...



Stev,


Thank you kindly, not only for the generous critique, but just for bothering to read. I will return the favor.

Lyndsey
i thought you were shallow, but then i fell in deep.
  





User avatar
1258 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6090
Reviews: 1258
Sun Apr 01, 2007 3:03 am
Sam says...



Hey, Shriek!

I always admire the way you keep your characters so consistent- it's always them speaking, and not Shrieking blabbing on about something. I sometimes think that writers just use their characters as an outlet for venting. :wink:

This was a really artsy and cool piece. You experimented a little with POVs and just really odd, random situations. I'm not the ultimate authority on your work, but in the past, you've done a lot more satirical stuff? Either that, or I've just got an over analytical mind.

Anyway, normally I do a three-topic critique, but due to the overflowing amount of praise above (for me, that is: I'm the Simon Cowell of writing), I'll just choose one to pick apart.

THEME AGREEMENT: Okay, so your style is beautiful and your characters are quirky and likeable. Why isn't this piece satisfying, then?

At the beginning of the piece, when you're talking about Reese Ryan and then about Sebastian, it seems a very typical underlying theme of 'Plastics vs. Normals', which I was pretty interested to see: an overused theme in a Shrieky way. However, at the end, you launch into a rant about time bombs, something that's well-written but doesn't seem to tie into the main idea of the beginning.

Ergo, your ending doesn't feel like an ending. The piece is unsatisfying because it doesn't have an end, in the traditional sense. This is pretty easy to fix, though, if you don't want to dig through and rip apart the beginning- mention something at the end about 'even the most untouchable Reese Ryan is not exempt from their effects', sort of a conclusion to the witness statement about Reese standing up to the hijacker (which was super awesome and funny, by the way). Even if it makes you as the writer crazy, it'll make your readers so much more happy.

Besides, most people haven't read experimental stories, so you need to take baby steps away from that. An ending would be nice.

___

Good stuff, Shriekness! Feel free to PM me or just hunt me down around the boards if you've got any questions or want me to take a second look at something else- I'd be perfectly happy to do so. :D
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  





User avatar
196 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 196
Sun Apr 01, 2007 4:03 am
Shriek says...



Hey, Sam,


I love you.

But really, thank you for your honest critique. In regards to what you've said regarding the ending, I wasn't quite going for a plastics v. normals theme. My aim was to show how a person's explosiveness can impact lives for the good ... or for the bad. Reese and her explosive attitude drastically changed Sebastian (that is to say, he was reborn) as opposed to these terrorists, who destroyed. And it is even more ironic that Reese, a person so in touch with impacting lives for the better, is killed by the very people she spoke against.

Here is a prologue to the story (what was supposed to be the first roman numeral):

I.

Everyone always said that Reese Ryan was a time bomb if they ever did see one. And she, being more of a landmine than anything, knew it simply wasn’t true. For, as a boy named Sebastian Kellogg would find out – landmines and time bombs are entirely different devices altogether.


I'd taken it out at the recommendation of a friend-who-is-also-a-literary-genius against my better judgement. Do you think adding it back in would benefit the story? Or -- OH, IDEA -- maybe I could work that into the first paragraph of the story, the one describing Reese Ryan?


Lyndsey
i thought you were shallow, but then i fell in deep.
  





User avatar
1258 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6090
Reviews: 1258
Sun Apr 01, 2007 6:15 pm
Sam says...



I'd add it in into her paragraph- I didn't get the impression that Sebastian was a time bomb? I'd add in something about that, too, so that the point of their contrast is even more apparent.

Ah, and by the way- that's a much better theme, even when Shriekness is at the wheel. :wink:

If you want, just PM it to me after you touch up the first paragraph and I'll read it through again. It's such a yummy story- I want to see the finished product.
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  





Random avatar


Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 25
Sun Apr 01, 2007 6:36 pm
Nyconz421 says...



LOVED IT. The characters were likable. Reese went on that...I don't know, speech, and I found myself engulfed in the story. It was sad about Reese though, not fair. The narration of the story was very unique and undoubtedly one of best I've seen. Great job and awesome story. 10/10
  





User avatar
196 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 196
Thu Apr 05, 2007 9:51 pm
Shriek says...



Thank you very much, Nyconz. Glad you enjoyed it. Sam, I just editted the first post with the final (hopefully) revision. I will PM you right now. Aw, you are so cute, to be interested in my story like this. What can I read of yours to repay you?
i thought you were shallow, but then i fell in deep.
  





User avatar
52 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 52
Thu Apr 05, 2007 11:16 pm
Fabien says...



Wow, I've never read anything like this before. I liked the comparisons that you used. I liked the idea of 'us and them'. The descriptions of the characters were very well done, they painted clear pictures of both of them.

The description of Sebastian Kellogg truly made me think. Thinking about myself and how you pointed out that who we are and who we dream of being are entirely two different things.

I really enjoyed Part IV. I enjoyed her speech and I clung on to every word that she spoke of.

Plus in V. I really liked the first paragraph, I'm glad that he managed to see the brightness of that experience instead of becoming gloomy, it was unexpected and lovely at the same time. It was probably my favorite part of this whole piece.

Despite the length, the content was brilliant enough that I couldn't tear my eyes away from the screen. Keep at it. Peace. - Fabien.
The surrounding world
was an ugly one,
but we needed no beauty
other than the light
within each other's eyes. - "Modern World" * topic15452
  





User avatar
1258 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6090
Reviews: 1258
Sat Apr 07, 2007 5:20 am
Sam says...



Ah, already in the first paragraph, the theme ties in much better...

I still love the first paragraph about Sebastian. He's a contradtiction, in himself, but we all know people who are exactly like that. :P

Grand job, Shriekness!
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  





User avatar
196 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 196
Sun Apr 08, 2007 12:26 am
Shriek says...



Fabien, thanks so much. I'm pleased you enjoyed it.

And Sam -- haha, yay. I'll be taking a look at Hourglass sometime soon.
i thought you were shallow, but then i fell in deep.
  





User avatar
798 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 6517
Reviews: 798
Sun Apr 08, 2007 1:03 am
Jiggity says...



I hate you.

That was brilliant. And I'm not given to gushy reviews either. Unhelpful, I know, but I was truly impressed.

was hijacked by a group of terrorists and blast to pieces


blasted?

Anyways, noice.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





User avatar
196 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 196
Fri Apr 13, 2007 3:45 am
Shriek says...



Haha, Jig -- thanks. I hate you too. ;)

And you're right. According to dictionary.com, it's "blasted."
i thought you were shallow, but then i fell in deep.
  





User avatar
3821 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3491
Reviews: 3821
Tue Jun 05, 2007 10:50 pm
Snoink says...



Why didn't I see this before? :P

Oh well! As usual, I love your stuff and they make me feel very happy. With that said, I shall rip apart this story! :D

Shriek wrote:The Difference Between Landmines and Time Bombs
Written March 28, 2007.

For Lauren:
May you be the substitute for no one.


I.

Reese Ryan was one of those girls. You know; One of them. She was the mere embodiment of the word “captivating.” She was infatuated with wearing skirts, scrounging for money, chance happenings, stargazing, the smell of coffee shops and baseball diamonds, moving mountains, awkward conversation and God. She danced around her bedroom in her underwear: one of those much talked about rituals that everyone says they practice but no one (outside of movies and television at least) does. She had never been fond of writing and didn’t, but if she’d recorded her thoughts – if only for a day – those thoughts would have been seized immediately for printing, translated into multiple languages, and sold millions – to say that least of her sapience. They called her the “time bomb,” a testament to her explosive personality, and reckless nature. Though she, being more of a landmine than anything, knew it simply wasn’t true. She was like beams of light: translucent and beautiful, but never tangible. Indeed, many a man had tried to catch her, but their attempts were in vain. You would sooner build a tower to the Heavens than catch Reese Ryan. Such was the nature of the girl. You know; One of them.


I like this beginning because it's so weird and really leads you on. You get out of the way and just let your character speak for herself. Cool stuff.

II.

Sebastian Kellogg, of course, was not one of those guys; He, by default, was one of us. One of those people who are good, but never attains true greatness. He tended to stagger toward phrases such as “barely breaking even” or “just scraping by.” He jumped from one low paying job to the next, functioned on beer and Monday Night Football, wove in and out of relationships indifferently, one desperate, intoxicated tramp after another. And this tragically mediocre heap of a man had the nerve and the gall to define himself as such: a hopeless romantic (who had, in all actuality, never experienced love), a travel enthusiast (who had, to be completely honest, never left the confines of his house); and an adamant lover of life (who was, in fact, all but dead.) Would we go as far as to accuse Sebastian Kellogg of living a lie? Naturally no, him being one of our own. People like us see themselves as skewed delusions of dreams: Who We Are and Who We Dream of Being is never the same person. Sebastian Kellogg’s dreams were no different than our own – he’d just fallen into that all too familiar trap of being, well, human. You know; one of us.


Ouch... you bite. :P

Anyway, very sarcastic. It seemed oddly separated from the other paragraph and still part of it. So... it reminded me a little of Doug Adams. And it bit. I don't know whether this was your intention or not, but this was biting sarcasm and it sort of made me wince because it seemed you were laughing with brutal sarcasm at both Sebastian and us.

III.

Sebastian’s discovery of Reese was a miraculous thing in itself. A cool, clear Thursday night found Sebastian outside the house he lived in with his parents (being the unemployed college burnout he was), lighting a cigarette and staring into the blackness. From it, Reese emerged, along with the proverbial beams of light that followed her, ricocheting every which way. And there stood our poor Sebastian, puffing on his cigarette, completely incapable of tearing his eyes from her. He heard himself call out to her, but she and her clamorous beams of light walked on. After a moment’s hesitation, he stumbled down the steps of his porch and called out again. But the elusive Reese Ryan would not slow down.


What I like:

The "burn-out" student "lighting" a "cigarette" and staring into the "blackness." That's an excellent way to paint a picture -- by describing something with its complete opposites. Lovely stuff. And then she, the source of light, comes. Awesome stuff.

Still... this is awkwardly worded:

completely incapable of tearing his eyes from her.

Maybe "completely incapable of tearing his eyes away from her."

So he mindlessly ran after her, flicking the cigarette butt onto the pavement and bellowing, “Hey, lady!” The author will note Sebastian’s inconsideration for the other members of the urban community in which he’d lived, who were stirred from their troubled slumbers as he galloped beneath their bedroom windows, shouting after Reese. The chase continued on for some time – how long, Sebastian didn’t know, just as he couldn’t pin a reason to his out-of-character scramble after the woman. The Sebastian we’d known prior to tonight would not leave the couch to change the channel, let alone dash through his neighborhood at four AM – and what can be said to rationalize these actions? Had there been something suspicious rolled into his cigarette? Had burning sense of adventure suddenly aroused in our lovable oaf? One couldn’t be entirely certain, but for whatever reason, an alarm was sounding in Sebastian: starting in his unfit legs, working through his gangly frame to his inebriated brain, every molecule within him was aching to catch this woman.


Ouch. That bit. Still, when you say "the author will note" that seems very awkward.

Reese eventually did halt – beneath the awning of a filthy and decrepit bus stop. The panting Sebastian gaped for the duration of a minute, shocked that she’d halted at all, before inventing an excuse to casually approach her. And she stood there and studied the stars, so he lit a cigarette and nonchalantly sauntered by. “You know,” he attempted, “you’re going to get yourself killed walking around out here.”


"The panting Sebastion gaped for the duration of a minute" does not make any sense. Revise it.

It was as if Sebastian’s words had been deflected from her ears by those radiant beams. She hadn’t heard him at all; Her eyes remained fastened upon the stars.


Semicolons are not periods. Do not capitalize after them.

Frustrated that he and his nicotine fix were so casually brushed aside, Sebastian shoved himself into her immediate field of vision and said: “Hey, listen, lady. I worked as a security guard two blocks away a couple of months back – and there are a lot of creeps and weirdos around here, okay? What’re you thinking, walking around here at four in the morning?”


The line "he and his nicotine fix" is awkward since his nicotine fix is part of him already.

Reese gave him a hard, level stare (you know, one of those stares, the ones that just about knock you sideways), and when she parted her lips to say “Who are you?” he felt his insides convulse.


I think it would be better to isolate, "Who are you?" for a more dramatic effect.

“Sebastian,” Sebastian said weakly.


I would prefer "he"... though it's really up to you.

Sebastian,” she repeated, laughing. (And her laughter was music.) “I love that name. Do you love it?”


I think it might be better if you explained why she liked it. She reminds me, at the moment, of Blanche in "A Streetcar Named Desire."

“Not particularly, no,” Sebastian puffed.


...this kind of bugged me. I mean, if a hot chick tells you that you have a lovely name and you really like her, more than likely, you're going to reply that yes, you like it. Or, even if he didn't like the name, he would say yes because most likely, the way she says it sweeps away his heart and he would agree.

In any case, I don't like the word "puffed" nor do I particularly like this dialogue. I would replace it with "He nodded."

“I’m Reese,” she said, extending her hand to him. Sebastian grasped it dumbly, his handshake feeble and irresolute.


A less specific word for "irresolute" would be awesome, I think.

“Listen, Sebastian,” she said. “I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate your concern – because, truly, I do – but I’m entirely capable of taking care of myself.” And of course, she was right. “Give me a cigarette.”


I don't know. From the description of her character, I didn't expect her to be so wordy and so... Okay, maybe "wordy" is not the right word. She's acting very pompous and talking in gobbledy-goop though, and that's driving me crazy! I mean, that's the kind of speech I give to uptight politicians who you're supposed to hate. Does she really have to talk like that?

“What?”

“You’re just going to stand there and smoke, and not offer me one?”


I think you should get rid of the comma? I'm not quite sure though.

“I’m sorry – you just don’t look the type—“


Maybe some description of movement here?

“I’m not.” She smiled, white and clean.

“Well, okay.”

He gave her a light, and the two stood there, inhaling and exhaling and staring up at the endless night sky and it’s glistening gems.


Get rid of the first comma in the third paragraph.

Also, it's not "it's glistening gems, but "its glistening gems." No apostrophe.

IV.

“Sebastian,” she said, when she’d finished her cigarette. “Let’s run away together.”

“What?”

“Let’s run away together,” she said, laughing that melodious, sarcasm-tinged laugh of hers. “God, do you know how many men I say that to a month?”

Sebastian shook his head no.

“At least a hundred, Sebastian. And they all jump at the chance. Follow me down alleyways, stalk me into restaurants, run circles around me with their fantastic proposals. ‘A house in the countryside, you and the kids.’ Men see something pretty and they want to marry it right away, claim it as theirs. Piss on it -- mark their territory. You’re all dogs, you know that?” When Reese said this, she looked directly into his eyes, and with such fearsome condescension he wanted to run home, dive under his sheets, and hibernate for days.


Instead of the word "hibernate" which implies that he's a bear or something, I would try to find another word that deals with dogs.

“I wasn’t going to propose to you,” Sebastian whispered.

“Oh, I know,” said she. “Maybe not right away, but you’d work up to it. A phone-call here, dozen roses there, picnics in the park, walks on the beach, anything to win my heart.”

Sebastian struggled for words, but the insufferable Reese pressed on.


...damn, she's a bitch. :P

“People see something in me, Sebastian, and I’m just so over it. They see that my life is the one they’ve always wanted for themselves. They have a fascination with the excitement that orbits my world. They are speechless to behold my beauty. They are mesmerized by my flawless façade, and they want what I have. They think of me day and night for weeks on end, tossing and turning in their beds, racking their brainless skulls wondering what they could do to be more like me. I have what they want most, and eventually they can’t stand it anymore.”


Guh... this dialogue annoys me, partly because you said all this except five times better in the first paragraph and... this just isn't strong. By her reflecting on herself in this way, you're just being repetitous. I want some new insight that she sees of the world, not what she sees in herself. See the difference? At the moment, she seems to be a completely vain and selfish creature who I would pray to God not to be. Make her more intersting.

At this point in the conversation, such flames grew in Reese’s eyes that she began pacing, firing off words every which way. A speechless Sebastian watched with unhinged jaw and frightened eyes.

“They come to me and they say, ‘Reese, how do you do it? How do you live with such passion – what is your secret?’ I tell them to go screw themselves. ‘Get away from me,’ I say. ‘You’re all losers!’ Alcohol, cigarettes—“ (And having said this, she seized Sebastian’s pack of Camels and flung it across the street.) “Drugs, lies, violence, hate -- bowing to your ipods and cell phones, building altars to yourselves, offering your ‘friends’ as sacrifices – digging your own damn graves. You’re all monsters ... all of you!”


...yeah. Make her stop building an altar for herself in the mentioned paragraph and it will be very nice.

Tears welled in Reese’s eyes, and she looked to Sebastian with a compassion stained, heartbroken face.


I like the adjective "heartbroken." With that said, I hate the adjective "compassion stained" [sic] (If you still want to keep that word, it should be written as "compassion-stained."

“I just don’t get it. College burnout, wasted on weekends -- you’re just like the rest of them, and I knew it the second you started following me.”


This dialogue is just begging to have a "why" question after it.

Reese wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her coat and awarded Sebastian a watery smile. Then, she pressed a single match into the palm of his hand. “Good luck with your life.” As if on cue, the 5:15 AM bus rolled up, and Reese stepped on. And as the bus pulled away, Sebastian swore he heard her shout, “Go ahead, light something with it.”


Yeah... if a "why" question is asked, I think it would be better and tie this paragraph in more nicely.

V.

The stars rained on Sebastian like bombs. They fell from the sky into the corroded expanse inside his chest, gutting his heart of its decay. And suddenly ... everything he’d thought to be true looked plastic and forged. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to breathe. He felt blood crashing through his veins, ripping up rotten spores that had taken root within him. He felt like dancing, weeping, screaming at the top of his lungs, he felt invincible, he felt refreshed, he felt alive. A smile stretched itself across his face.

For a moment back there, Sebastian swore he’d grasped the meaning of life. Reese had been beautiful. Now, the cold air tasted sweet. The match burned, tucked away in his pocket. And nothing else mattered but the bombs. Bombs pouring in him; bombs obliterating everything.


At the moment, it seems unlikely that her word could have spurred these bombs but... with some editing... ;)

VI.

The reader will be distressed to discover what fate had in store for our Reese following the exchange. At 6:15 PM, exactly eleven hours after her meeting with Sebastian had taken place, Reese took the bus home from work. This bus, along with three others, was hijacked by a group of terrorists and blast to pieces. 74 commuters were killed, three severely wounded. One indirect witness who’d been on the opposite end of a cell phone conversation with another passenger recalls an altercation between one of these terrorists and a bold young woman. The witness had been struck by the woman’s audacity and conviction under the circumstances. “She led those people on the bus, and something tells me she would have bargained her very life for them,” the witness said in an interview, voice breaking, tears cascading. “But in the end, the bombs got the best of her – they got the best of everyone.”


...coincidence? I think not. ><;;

Yeah. It's not predictable, persay, but it's really very random and it looks like you're trying to end the story really quickly with this. It doesn't feel like a real ending.

VII.

In trying to understand the prime difference between landmines and time bombs, the reader will note that landmines are apt to destroy anything that stumbles into their path. Landmines serve a purpose similar to that of barbed wire, securing borders and providing protection from enemy attacks. This stands in great contrast with the time bomb, whose résumé includes appearances in everything from action films to cartoons. The forever-charred Wile E. Coyote will attest to their versatility: time bombs, when planted anywhere, prove lethal.

But all this analysis, the author will boldly assert, is absolute shit. The difference between landmines and time bombs is superfluous in the context of the story, in the context of our time, in the context of the world. Just as a life is a life, a bomb is a bomb, and they both, indisputably – kill.


The word "shit" is out of place. Still! We love Looney Tunes! :D

Anyway, there you go. Sorry for not seeing it before... but I hope that helps! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  








"Do not try to be pretty. You weren't meant to be pretty; you were meant to burn down the earth and graffiti the sky. Don't let anyone ever simplify you to just 'pretty'"
— Suzanne Rivard