Young Writers Society

Dedicated to my deceased Grandfather...God bless
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“Oh, do you think so?” Leah’s head jerked up and she stared at Rowan with a mixture of puzzlement of interest.

“Yes I do.”

“Come on! You can’t be serious.” Sherman looked at Rowan over his paper and started laughing. “No way! You of all people believe that!”

“Can I help it if I love the idea?” demanded Rowan, propping his feet up against the window ledge.

“No, but if you actually go looking for them, well…” Sherman grinned widely and moved the newspaper over his face to hide the smirk.

“I think it sounds like fun, even if we never did go over there.” chirped Leah, pushing a lock of dark red hair out of her face and stretching. Sherman rolled his eyes and lowered the paper and tossing it aside, revealing that he had been reading the comics.

“Come on, Leah, you know that that’s just something our moms told us to keep us quiet when we went to the beach.”

“But what’s the harm in looking?” asked Leah.

“It’s part of the Geezer’s territory, for one.” said Sherman. “For something else, what would we do if we found one? Train it?”

“I just want to make sure that…” Rowan stopped, unable to explain what he felt.

“They exist, huh?” Leah twiddled her thumbs meditatively. “Undines…”

“What?”

“Undines. You know. Salamander, Sylph, Gnome, Undine? Ptolemy or something?” she asked.

“Ooooh. That.” Sherman scratched his chin thoughtfully. “So what group would these critters belong to, Rowan?” Rowan was staring out the tree house window with an expression that would petrify a goat. “Rowan. Rowan.” Rowan didn’t answer. “Speak to us, O Prophet Rowan; we are hanging on your every word.” Sherman poked Rowan on the head. Rowan batted the hand away and said,
“What if we go there tomorrow and look?”

“Go where?”

“Where do you think, dweeb? The Geezer’s sea property to look for a sea dryad!” Rowan smacked his fist into his palm for emphasis.

“How many times do I have to say this? The little beasties don’t exist, you prat!” said Sherman, picking up his glass of lemonade and sipping it through the straw, staring at Rowan with half-lidded eyes.

“A bet?” said Rowan, getting a gleam in his eyes. The one and only way to budge Sherman’s stubborn will was to make an offer of a bet. Sherman sat up and took the straw out of his mouth.

“Keep talking, chimera boy.” he said, leaning forward and squinting at Rowan calculatingly. Rowan smirked.

“We go to the Geezer’s property tomorrow. The three musketeers. To see if we can find a sea dryad.”

“Stakes?” Sherman raised an eyebrow from behind glasses. “And they’d better be good.”
Rowan hesitated. What could Sherman want…?
“I know!” Sherman clapped his hands together in a mocking smile. “When Blood Red Lullaby comes out, you buy me a copy and swear not to read it ‘til I’ve finished it three times.” Leah and Rowan gaped at her.

“That’s…that’s…” stuttered Leah, wide-eyed. “That’s blackmail, you prat!”
“Exactly! That’s the three musketeers series you’re making me not read, you bast-“

“Take it or leave it, bub.” Sherman grinned and put the straw to his lips.

Rowan ground his teeth. This was high stakes, all right- Sumi Elby’s Lullaby books were the best books ever, all three had agreed when the fourth had come out, two years ago. That or shove evidence that dryads really existed in Sherman’s face.

“And if there are dryads, or dryad, you buy me the book and swear not to read until I’ve read it thrice. Deal?” Rowan held out a hand. Sherman clasped it with a smirk.

“It’s your pain. Start saving up for Lullaby soon, Rowan!”

“Am I in on this deal?” Leah looked a little worried. “Because if the Geezer catches us, we’re in deep crap. Remember what he did to Laura Bethany when her basketball went across the street into his yard?”
All three were silent, remembering poor Laura Bethany.

“They say she still has stitches.” said Leah, quivering voice breaking the quiet. “And Geezer swears he didn’t hurt her, that she fell down a flight of steps into a pool or something…”

“But we’ve got a three musketeer’s bet on!” Rowan stared at Leah pleadingly. “Besides, you’re the one who can lie like hell!”

A small smile began to spread it’s way across Leah’s face. She put her hand, palm up between the triangle of friends.

“What time?”
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I'll continue tomorrow. Yaaaaaaaawn.....Aet-kun and CCM-chan should be laughing by the time they finish this...

"she stared at Rowan with a mixture of puzzlement of interest." - that sounds strange, I'd put "and" instead of the second "of".

"You of all people believe that!" - comma after "you" and after "people".

"Sherman rolled his eyes and lowered the paper and tossing it aside, revealing that he had been reading the comics." - this sounds clumsy to me. I would have written: "Sherman rolled his eyes and lowered the paper. Tossing it aside he revealed that he had been reading the comics."

"staring at Rowan with half-lidded eyes." - Does he have hald his eye-lids missing? It might just be me but I pick up the wrong meaning from that.

"This was high stakes, all right-" - I think that hyphen is meant to be a full-stop.

"And if there are dryads, or dryad, you buy me the book" - "or a dryad".

Brilliant. I enjoyed this. Your writing is very nice to read, it flows smoothly. Your storyline is good, interesting and captivating.

Rowan stifled a yawn. Leah blinked sleepily. It was five in the morning, a light fog covering the beach.

“Where is that idiot?” asked Rowan of nothing in particular, shifting from one foot to another.

“Who’re you calling an idiot, chimera-boy?” asked Sherman’s voice, quickly followed by Sherman emerging from the left bank of fog.

“What took you so long?” asked Leah, raising one foot and smacking her flip-flop against her heel.

“I had to grab breakfast. Not a good idea to go into the Geezer’s place with an empty stomach and no energy for running. Are you wearing bathing suits?” Leah and Rowan nodded. “Silly string?”


“Check.”

“Goggles?”

“Check.”

“Flashlights?”

“Check.”

“Doggie treats?”

“Check.”

“Baseball?”

“Check.”

“Disposable camera with extra roll of empty film?”

“Check.”

“Bottle of shampoo and rubber duckie.”

“Che-WHAT!! !”
Sherman grinned.

“Just kidding.”

“You’d better be!” spat Rowan.

“Chill, man. Kitchen sinks?”

“Ha-ha, Sherman, let’s just get going.” Rowan held his hand out, and Sherman took it, doing a two-way version of their three musketeers’ handshake.

“And whoever wins this bet
Takes the steaks, don’t forget.” the two boys turned their heads in opposite directions and spat into the sand.

“Remember the plan of action, everyone, or do I have to relate it again?”

“What’s the silly string for, again?” asked Leah, raising a hand.

“In case your phase of action doesn’t work, we squirt the string in the Geezer’s eyes and split.”

“And if we do find a dryad?” she asked.

“We say hi, introduce ourselves, shake hands and ask if the moon really is there.” Sherman rolled his eyes. “What do you think? We take a picture.”

“But why? If we find one, we’ll find it together!”

“It’s in the Official Betting Rules by Sherman and Rowan: ‘you must present evidence that the bet was completed by the time the stakes are offered’ from page 13. Never read it?”

“I’m never the one who does the betting!” replied Leah, somewhat heatedly.

“Okay, okay.” Sherman held up a hand in acknowledgement. “I gotcha. Ready, Rowan?”

“Yeah. We’d better get going before the fog clears up.”

The three friends proceeded along the shore, dodging around some rocky outcroppings and jumping over tide pools, not speaking. Several minutes later, the rocks that marked the beginning of the Geezer’s beach property loomed into sight.

“I spent all of yesterday evening staking out this place.” mumbled Rowan, stepping on a rock. “We head to the right. Keep a hand on the rock wall, guys.”

They proceeded to scramble along the line of rocks until Rowan, who was leading, stopped.

“I’m on the lawn, now. I discovered a hole in the hedge to climb through yesterday.”

“How long did it take you to figure this all out?” asked Leah, who was in the middle.

“I said, all evening. Good thing the Geezer was out.” Sherman snorted.

“Or else he would have called the police reporting a stalker.”

“Probably,” agreed Rowan and Leah in unison.

“Stop. Leah, can you see me?”
“Vaguely.”
“What’s that mean?”
“Sherman, shut up. I’m going in.”

“I call dibs on your tree house when you’re gone.”
“Shut up, Sherman.” Sherman sniggered to himself as Rowan climbed awkwardly into the hole in the hedge.

“Give the doggie treats to Leah, Sher.” he called back.

“Aye aye, Cap’n!” Leah, once she secured the bag of treats, climbed through the hole a little more gracefully then Rowan, being smaller and a gymnast. Sherman followed, heaving his stocky body through. “Crunchitize me, Cap’n!” Leah fought a giggle at the expression on Rowan’s face as he heard this.

“We all here?” asked Sherman

“Yeah.”

“I am.”

“In one piece? Not a bowl of cereal?”

“Are you sure you had breakfast this morning, Sherman?”

“Yeah. Can you guess what?” Rowan groaned.

“Let’s just get going. Silly string cans in the belt? Flashlights? Rowan, you have the baseball ready to throw in case the Geezer comes out?”

“Aye.”

“Let’s go, then. Rowan, lead on, old boy.”

“Going left until we come onto a fence or something before the sand.”

“Oh, really professional, Rowan. ‘Or something’. Brilliant. You should write it down for posterity.”

“You mean you?” asked Rowan dryly. Leah snorted so hard she had to bite her thumb to stop from breaking out in laughter. It took Sherman a minute to get the joke.

“Hah-hah. Posterity , not posterior. ”

“Close enough.” grunted Rowan. “The fog’s starting to clear, let’s hurry up.”

“How you two are still friends is still beyond me.” sighed Leah.

“Leah, my dearest friend, boys are bonded by snot and boogers, not reasoning.”

“Thanks for the thought, Sherman, you’ve just put me off dating for the rest of my life.”

“Is everybody sarcastic in the morning?” asked Rowan.

“I don’t know. Ask me when I’ve had a decent night’s sleep.”

_____________________________________________
Hmm. This might make it to a 4 part story. Anyway, thanks for the critique, Ofour! I appreciate it!

"It was five in the morning, a light fog covering the beach." - this mixes present and past: "was" and "covering", change one or the other.

"asked Rowan of nothing in particular," - I think you mean "no-one".

"And whoever wins this bet
Takes the steaks, don’t forget." - you put a random line spacing here.

"“Stop. Leah, can you see me?”
“Vaguely.”
“What’s that mean?”
“Sherman, shut up. I’m going in.”" - I don't know why but you didn't space these lines.

"“I call dibs on your tree house when you’re gone.”
“Shut up, Sherman.” Sherman sniggered to himself as Rowan climbed awkwardly into the hole in the hedge." - and again.

"“We all here?” asked Sherman" - full-stop needed.

This is continuing nicely, I'm hooked now. The story progresses well and doesn't falter. I'm looking forward to the next addition.

“Well, Sherman’s sarcastic all the time, Rowan.”

“I noticed. I’m on the sand. Kind of a slope, so be careful.”

“Looks like the fog’s clearing up,” remarked Leah as Sherman slipped down next to them.

“So where are we going to find the dryad, anyway?” asked Sherman. “Tide pools or something?”

“Well, underwater, of course!”

“But where underwater, Rowan?”

“I think we should look in enclosed areas of water that are like surrounded by stones and things.” said Leah.

“I think we should split up. I’ll take the camera, Sherman takes the baseball and Leah gets to swim around. If you find the dryad-“

“Scream, ‘Crunchitize me, Cap’n!’” laughed Sherman.

“No, you prat, we’d wake up the Geezer. Okay.” Rowan scratched his chin thoughtfully. “We take a solemn oath here to tell the truth if we see a dryad or not.” he looked at Leah. “Take it away, poetess.” Leah cleared her throat solicitously as the three friends put their hands up in proof.

“I swear to tell the truth, if eyes had seen a dryad, or no; I swear to not cheat, or too use any figures of speech, I also swear too bend no truth and make no falsehoods.” Sherman and Rowan repeated this.

“You always did like dragging stuff on,” remarked Sherman.

“Now we split. Leah, counting on you too check out the far out and ruins stuff, Sher’ll see to the deepest tide pools and I’ll look over by the dock.”

“What if the Geezer finds us?”

“Yell really loudly and head for the tree house. If we don’t find anything by seven, we meet up there. Savvy?” Sherman and Leah nodded.

“I’ll go with Rowan to the dock, so I can get a good dive.” said Leah, squinting to the east, where the sun was showing the first glimmers of dawn.

“Okay. Later, guyzos!” Sherman shot off in the direction of the tide pools. Leah and Rowan headed towards the ancient looking dock in a thoughtful silence. At the end of the dock, Leah said while putting her goggles on,
“Good luck, Rowan. See you later.” and dived, not bothering to take off her shorts.
++
Sherman proceeded across the beach, grinning lazily to himself.
“Poor Rowan. I can’t wait for my copy of Blood Red Lullaby.”
==
The underwater world was curiously lit from below, Leah noticed as she opened her eyes from the dive. Rocks, shells and broken pieces of wood littered the sea floor, and small fishes darted about, scales glowing queerly in the pre-dawn light. Years of swimming experience kept Leah going, searching among fallen rocks, a wreck of a boat, the sand among the pillars of the pier, some rusty pieces of ship, and a crate filled with china mugs. Here Leah almost gaped when she removed the lid, staring at the beautiful but ruined pattern of ivy.

Shooting up to the surface, she checked the position of the sun. Low tide would start soon, and then she would be left without a hiding place. Turning her face towards the shore, she checked to see if anyone else was around. No.
Rowan looked around. No sign of a dryad. No sign of anything else, either. Deciding to go find Sherman and check on the tide pools, she got off the pier and started walking lightly around the sand. It wouldn’t do to leave TOO deep footprints.

“Sherm!” he hissed, voice echoing slightly among the rocks.

“What?” came the reply, from somewhere behind the rocks. Rowan darted over to the rocks, and looked around. Sherman was crouched over a tide pool, holding something in his hands. Rowan double-took, and wiped his eyes, just to make sure.

On Sherman’s palm sat a tiny girl with a fishtail, long green hair and green-tinted skin. There was also a pair of antennae protruding from her messy hair and a sort of shirt woven with seaweed on her torso. She appeared to be chatting away, taking no heed if they were listening or not. She looked about the age equivalent of the three intruders, and was, in between bursts of lively chatter, combing her hair.
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Aiaiai. ><U I'm so sorry about the wait, anyone who has been watching this! Forgive me. And yes, this IS a cliffhanger. I don't like giving or receiving cliffhangers, but I have to do other things besides writing today Thanks for reading, minnasan!
~Sumi

"++
Sherman proceeded across the beach, grinning lazily to himself.
“Poor Rowan. I can’t wait for my copy of Blood Red Lullaby.”
== " - what are those pluses and minuses for?

"wouldn’t do to leave TOO deep footprints." - why the Caps.

"from somewhere behind the rocks. Rowan darted over to the rocks" - repeating "rocks" sounds odd.

Very good continuation. There are no suggestions I can make apart from hurry up with the next one.


Gurby

The pluses and minuses are separating the different scenes. I don't like using the stars all the time. Sorry if it confused you
Yes, I'll try to have an update by tomorrow...hopefully...keep your fingers crossed xD
Thanks for the review!
~Sumi

Rowan gawked at the girl before noticing the expression on his friend’s face. It was of awe, wonder, and something that seemed a little glum. Just then, the girl jumped off his palm and dived back into the tidepool. Sherman picked her up again, and she continued her monologue as if nothing had occurred.

“Erm, excuse me,” said Rowan, pulling out the camera, “would it be alright if I took a picture of you?”

The mer-girl stared at him haughtily.

“Why should I? I don’t even know your name!”

“Rowan Sharpe, and I think you already know Sherman?”

“I know a shark called Sherman.” said the girl, though she nodded. “And I’m Saya.” she continued to brush her hair.

“So can I take a picture?”

“Why?”

“To make sure you exist.” said Rowan without thinking. Saya glared at him.

“Excuse me?” Rowan slapped his forehead and cast a despairing look at Sherman, who was glaring at him over Saya’s head.

“Because you’re so pretty, we want to have a picture to remember you by.” hastily broke in Sherman, casting a final deathglare at Rowan before turning his full attention towards the sea dryad.

“OH! Okay, then! Go ahead!” Saya immediately dropped the brush and put one hand where her hip would be and the other behind her head. “Like this, please!” she trilled.

A clattering sound came behind them, and Rowan almost dropped the camera into the tide pool as he whipped around to see a dripping-wet Leah approaching, looking thoroughly chilled and slightly alarmed.

“I heard the Geezer somewhere!” she hissed as she neared the small party. Her eyes widened as she took in Saya. “So you do exist,” she murmured, crouching so as to see Saya better. Saya stared at Leah, looking very annoyed.

“Everybody seems to think that I might not exist! What is wrong with them?!”

“We’ve just never met one of your kind before, is all,” said Sherman soothingly.

“And who is this Geezer person?” asked Saya, folding her arms.

“Indeed, I would like to know.” said a new, gruff, old voice.

Sherman, Leah and Rowan froze.
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BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA! xD
:cough: Ahem. Sorry. I have to work on something else now

Good, but short, write more! I cannot make any suggestions/criticisms, not much happens.

...yet!
BWAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAH! xD
Thanks for reviewing...since I'm sick today, there might be an update as early as tonight... XD
P

Sherman broke out in a cold sweat as he slowly turned to face The Geezer.

He was standing on the rocks, a cane in his hands, staring down at them with narrowed, cold blue eyes.

Saya waved at him cheerfully.

“Hi Frank! You’ve gotta meet these three kids! Didja bring Malachai and Seriph?” The Geezer glared at the Three Musketeers. A sudden cry met the ears of those assembled, and two blurs of color swept among the rocks, emitting sounds that were unmistakably hungry.

“Put Saya down, you ruffian!” proclaimed the Geezer, pointing his stick at Sherman, who hastily and unceremoniously dropped Saya into the pool. She emerged from the water, sputtering indignantly.

The two blurs of color suddenly stopped on the rocks, on either side of the Geezer. One was a beautiful, shining purple, the other was a lustrous green. As for their appearances, they were Rowan’s most beautiful daydream come true, straight out of the Lullaby series.

Their heads were triangular, glowing, whirling eyes staring at them, taking them in. Their bodies were slim, scaled and at the end of the legs were glistening claws that resembled diamonds.

“Hi Seriph, Malachai!” Saya waved at the creatures furiously, and the purple one glided down to the pool. “Seriph, go search in some other tide pool for breakfast!” Saya pushed at Seriph, who nudged her out of the way and stuck his head into the pool, emerging with a small fish in his jaws.

The Geezer’s voice cut through the ominous silence, looking positively livid.

“Why are you hooligans here, and what do you want with Saya? Were you going to sell her to the freak show? Tell everybody that I was some kind of warlock? Start a riot against me? Eh? EH?!”
Rowan slowly moved his foot, and lightly applied some pressure on Leah’s toe. Neither he nor Sherman were very good liars. It was all in Leah’s hands now.

Though Rowan would have immensely preferred to shoot the silly string into the Geezer’s eyes and split, there were Saya, the two creatures…it would not do at all to leave at the present.

Leah took the hint.

“You see, sir, Rowan hit a fly ball and we saw it go over here. We’re just looking for it.” she explained in her most innocent, trusting voice.

“Oh, really?” replied the Geezer, switching his attention to Leah. Leah maintained eye contact- the first law of pulling a convincing lie.

“Yeah. And we saw Saya and were incredibly curious as to what she could be.” Leah stood up, perfectly straight, feet apart, head high to show that she had confidence in what she was saying- law number two.

_____________________
:coughs several times: Consider this part of part...what # am I on? Oh, yeah...part 4.

"sputtering indignantly" - I'm confused, I keep thinking that's supposed to be "spluttering".

"The Geezer’s voice cut through the ominous silence, looking positively livid." - does the Geezer's voice look livid? It's him you mean, put "he looked".

You're getting into it now, which is good. However, it feels like the main body of the piece is yet to come. Keep going, it's carrying on very well.

Cool! I just started reading this, and it's great!! No criticism - there's hardly any to be made, and Ofour's dunnit all already. *scuttles off to read the next parts*

-Twit

Wow, that was a lot of reading. I couldn't find anything before this, and I had no idea what Geezers property (part four up) meant, but it was the smallest number I could find, and therefore my starting place!

Hehe, I coulnd't find any mistakes that hadn't been previously pointed out. So I'll just say that I'm half asleep, and this helped to keep me awake for an extra few minutes =D thanks. (by the way, thats a compliment =D)

Good work!
-JC

PART ONE

“Come on, Leah, you know that that’s just something our moms told us to keep us quiet when we went to the beach.”

There’s something about the “you know” that is strange. Like Leah should already know and Sherman shouldn’t have to remind her. And I think you could cut down “when we went to the beach” to “at the beach”

I like how you start in the middle of everything. But the character Rowan was a little confusing at first; I couldn’t decide if it was a boy’s name or a girl’s name. But then I got to the description following dialogue tags and figured it out, so I guess it’s all good.

Rowan was staring out the tree house window with an expression that would petrify a goat.

:see bold: petrify a goat? very random; very funny!

“Where do you think, dweeb? The Geezer’s sea property to look for a sea dryad!” Rowan smacked his fist into his palm for emphasis.

But I thought they were looking for undines? :flails: but I don’t know what those are either? Hrm; maybe I should just keep reading before I comment ^.^

“Stakes?” Sherman raised an eyebrow from behind glasses. “And they’d better be good.”
Rowan hesitated. What could Sherman want…?

eh, I usually find stream of thought questions like these to be unnecessary.

“When Blood Red Lullaby comes out, you buy me a copy and swear not to read it ‘til I’ve finished it three times.” Leah and Rowan gaped at her.

I’d think that if a guy had the option of shortening the title Blood Red Lullaby, he’d shorten it to Blood Red or something, to make it more masculine. And Leah and Rowan are gaping at her, but I thought Sherman was a boy? unless I read it wrong?

Sumi Elby’s Lullaby books were the best books ever, all three had agreed when the fourth had come out, two years ago. That or shove evidence that dryads really existed in Sherman’s face.

The book digression seems a bit unnecessary… if you make Leah’s reaction to the blackmail stronger, you might not need this part. In context, the second sentence doesn’t make much sense. The “that or…” what is the “that” referring to?

All three were silent, remembering poor Laura Bethany.

nice.

PART TWO

I love the checklist here. except “Disposable camera with extra roll of empty film?” I don’t think you can change the film in a disposable camera, but that’s just a technicality.

“Remember the plan of action, everyone, or do I have to relate it again?”

I don’t know if there are enough people being addressed for an “everyone” statement.

I like how you keep referring to dryads, but don’t stop the story to explain them.

“We say hi, introduce ourselves, shake hands and ask if the moon really is there.” Sherman rolled his eyes. “What do you think? We take a picture.”

They’re just going to take a picture? That sounds… anticlimactic. The motives have changed. Before, the purpose of the outing was to find a dryad seemingly for the sake of finding one, and now the purpose is to take a picture to finish a bet.

I like the Captain Crunch reference. I don’t know if it can work in a story though? Like I don’t know if people in other countries know who Captain Crunch is, so it’s a circumstantial joke.

Rowan, you have the baseball ready to throw in case the Geezer comes out?”

Poor Geezer!

“Leah, my dearest friend, boys are bonded by snot and boogers, not reasoning.”

I want to comment on this, but I can’t find exactly what to say… I think lol would cover it.

PART THREE

“Well, underwater, of course!”

“But where underwater, Rowan?”

Is Geezer’s property underwater? Since when? And if not, is there somewhere big enough for a dryad to hide?

In this section, you refer to the Captain Crunch thing again, and the boys are still calling each other prats. I think that after this, the Cap’n Crunch jokes have been used up, and maybe people have been called prats too closely together.

“Take it away, poetess.” Leah cleared her throat solicitously as the three friends put their hands up in proof.

“I swear to tell the truth, if eyes had seen a dryad, or no; I swear to not cheat, or too use any figures of speech, I also swear too bend no truth and make no falsehoods.” Sherman and Rowan repeated this.

Nice.

“Yell really loudly and head for the tree house. If we don’t find anything by seven, we meet up there. Savvy?” Sherman and Leah nodded.

Eh, I’m not sure about “savvy”, much like Captain Crunch. Unless you’re not referring to Pirates of the Caribbean? I don’t know; maybe it’s not as big a point as I think it is.

“I’ll go with Rowan to the dock, so I can get a good dive.” said Leah, squinting to the east, where the sun was showing the first glimmers of dawn.

There wasn’t really description of setting, so other than the part about the hedge, I don’t really know what the Geezer’s property looks like. I don’t know if it’s big or small, forested or cleared, watery or desert.

Years of swimming experience kept Leah going, searching among fallen rocks, a wreck of a boat, the sand among the pillars of the pier, some rusty pieces of ship, and a crate filled with china mugs. Here Leah almost gaped when she removed the lid, staring at the beautiful but ruined pattern of ivy.

She’s been down there a while to have done all that; is it not that deep, or does she have gills?

Low tide would start soon, and then she would be left without a hiding place.

I thought it was something small like a pond; it the body of water an ocean?

It wouldn’t do to leave TOO deep footprints.

Wouldn’t it not do to leave any footprints at all?

On Sherman’s palm sat a tiny girl with a fishtail, long green hair and green-tinted skin. There was also a pair of antennae protruding from her messy hair and a sort of shirt woven with seaweed on her torso. She appeared to be chatting away, taking no heed if they were listening or not. She looked about the age equivalent of the three intruders, and was, in between bursts of lively chatter, combing her hair.

I think this block of description could benefit from more interaction between the dryad [or maybe I’m assuming it’s a dryad…] and Sherman and Rowan.

PART FOUR

“Excuse me?” Rowan slapped his forehead and cast a despairing look at Sherman, who was glaring at him over Saya’s head.

I like how Saya has personality, and how it’s shown in her dialogue so that even without dialogue tags, you’d know when Saya is speaking. Leah, Sherman and Rowan, on the other hand, all seem to be more or less continuations of the same person, especially in their speech. Go back to the beginning and see how the three were introduced, then look at each of their dialogues individually, keeping in mind the characteristics you introduced them with.

PART FIVE

I like the Geezer/Saya dialogue. It contrasts nicely. Ooh, and I like the name Malachai!

“Yeah. And we saw Saya and were incredibly curious as to what she could be.” Leah stood up, perfectly straight, feet apart, head high to show that she had confidence in what she was saying- law number two.

I’m still confused as to how old they are. Leah’s body language and speech seem to be in contrast, in my opinion. I don’t mean specifically how old they are; not like “Rowan’s 14 and Sherman’s 14 ½ and Leah’s 15…” etc. but are they in grade school, high school, college, married? etc. Something to fit their speech patterns to. Right now they seem kind of agelessly young at heart.

PM me if you have any questions
-Amelia