Young Writers Society

Gone.

ideal place to act out the dramas of their minds

This is an awkward sentence that doesn't wuite make sense. I think something like, 'ideal place to act out imagined dramas' or somesuch. All I know, is that as it is, it doesn't work.

Words to describe her feelings could not be found.

You can do better then that, surely. It sticks out and again, is awkward.

or any emotion at all

I get what your trying to say but I dont think it worked. I'm not really sure whats wrong with it, I do know however, that I've had to go over it several times and still, I was shaking my head at the end. Maybe thats because I'm exceptionally slow, then again, maybe its not.

“I don’t like this place, Fred. I can hear the bell ringing,”

Period instead of comma at the end.

Before it’s too late.

Unconnected thought. I think it would be more effective if you added, 'the words hung, unsaid: Before it's too late.' Or something similar.

facial expression showing anger

Instead of telling us what the facial expression is doing, why not just say, 'scowling'. Show dont tell.

One day, Brenna, you may need to run like the wind, she told herself.

I dont really have a problem with this, so much as I just thought it a weird thing to think to yourself, especially referring to yourself in third person. Something more realistic might be cool, like 'I might need this someday' or something.

The mud and leaves were softening as rivulets formed and that made the children slip.

You know, I just realised that most of these things I point out aren't grammatically incorrect so much as awkward or flow-halting. I think that might be what you should focus on. Here, its ... its---arrgh! I cant say what I want to say, these sentences are so frustrating!!

...

I think, instead of 'and that made the children slip' you should put, ' making the ground slippery.' Or even change the sentence around to, 'The children slipped and slid as the ground grew muddy and soft and rivulets formed.'

self-projected shield

how does the prtagonist know this? I dont think she does, but that you do, maybe you should just mention the shield.

Okay, so you have a fair deal of awkwardly constructed sentences, but apart from that I think this is very good, got great descriptive skills, even if you do employ them rather suddenly. For instance the randomness of the playground changing into some magical forest thing without warning and for apparently no reason kind of caught me off guard. I think perhaps to offset this you might want to mention the girl's magical gifts earlier on and allow her to feel that something strange was happening or was about to occur. Its just a little odd otherwise.

Still, very good work.

Hullo Myth. ^_^

Yes, I'm still very fond of Harpies. Quite a bit of this seems to suffer from a certain passivity, though, in verb-tense and sentence structure. I think it's an aspect of the narrative style you've taken up - there's a lovely sense of the commonplace hovering just above a brooding undercurrent of other. But the actual details (excellent for the most part) do that as well as any passive narration.

Yes, well, first few paragraphs...

Myth wrote:There was nothing strange about two children walking down a road. Behind them were the tops of trees and a few chimneys, in the far distance was a clock tower—it struck twice to denote the time—and the air was warm and rich with the fragrance of honeysuckle and freshly cut grass.

The girl was Brenna Tandy. At eleven she was taller than most girls her age. She had long dark curls and an upturned nose and, as usual, she was frowning—wondering why it was taking so long to reach their destination.

I love the simplicity of the description - it's clear-cut and the image of the chimneys, far behind, is interesting on more than one level.

But you seem here to break up your paragraphs with too much arbitrarity. We move from the children, to the surroundings, back to Brenna - (then in the next two) to why they're out there, and then back again to Fred (his appearance).

It breaks the flow somewhat; it doesn't give the reader a place to focus for more than a split-second.

I wonder if, perhaps, you introduced the children as part of their surroundings - so, distantly - in one paragraph, and then shifted to the more detailed and omniscient telling of what they looked like, who they were, where they were going...?


Here, merely to point out how often you've got helping verbs, rather than straight-forward action (in italics) --

Myth wrote:Brenna and her friend, Frederick Norman, were on their way to an abandoned playfield. The open space was no longer in use by the other local children, and so it served as the perfect place to practise rounders, run up and down the slopes bordering the field, play pirates on a makeshift wooden boat or climb trees.

Fred, a step ahead with hands in pockets, was whistling as his eyes followed the faint cracks on the road. Although he was a year older, Fred shared the same wild imagination—therefore the playfield was an ideal place to act out the dramas of their minds.

They're not entirely out of place at this point. You are referring to things, backwards - you're telling about the past, mostly. But you may want to shift a bit more quickly to the present. It begins to feels sluggish, rather than brooding, slow-paced. ^_^

Myth wrote:“I reckon my ancestors were Normans,” Fred said, waiting for her to catch up with him

Apt way to introduce Fred. I almost think you might drop some of the telling about him, and let his dialogue speak first. I can hear him, and see him with the above - tells me as much about him as a paragraph of exposition. ^_^

Myth wrote:“Maybe.” There was a brief pause. “Oh, I just wish I didn’t have to visit the cousins, but my parents are going to be busy as usual.” Brenna sighed heavily.

I like the sudden shift in subject. Brenna, in her own world, I suppose. The description/tags between feel awkward. Perhaps if it were re-punctuated, Brenna's enunciation/emphasis would come through without them? Like so --

suggestion wrote:“Maybe.” There was a brief pause. “Oh, I just wish I didn’t have to visit the cousins. But my parents are going to be busy[...] as usual.”

[paragraph?] Brenna sighed heavily.

I'm not certain. Somehow, the 'but my parents bit' sounds rote.

Myth wrote:Brenna pulled a face. How could anyone eat a snail? They were slimy [and did not have a chance to escape], [s]they were far too slow[/s]; she [ only? ] hoped the cousins would not see her squirm.

Yes...well, I've tinkered with the above. 'Escape' and 'too slow' say, in essentials, the same thing. I'd strike 'slow' as it has a vaguer image. Then, rather than letting the sentence drag and sort of sigh when it comes to its point (the cousins seeing her squirm) I've put in a semi-colon - you could use a dash as well - and 'only' to emphasise.

I get the impression throughout that Brenna is terribly intense; but shows it very little on the outside. She has an almost opaque exterior. But possibly hints of it could come through in something like the above?

Myth wrote:Brenna focused on the road ahead. There was a hazy cloud hovering in the air and, shivering from a cold vibration, she halted.

Sans the comma after 'halted'. Either end sentence or a semi-colon?

Then you've your helping verb 'was' in there again. Perhaps the sentence could read more presently if it dropped it? So --

Brenna focused on the road ahead. [s]There was[/s] A hazy cloud hovered in the air; shivering from a [the?] cold vibration, she halted.

Myth wrote:Words to describe her feelings could not be found. The bees continued their unified humming.

Passive on the 'words to describe...'. Then - give the bees something to make them stand-out! You've described the humming, somewhat. Perhaps a simile to give them more than 'unified hum'? Even if they continuned their unified humming like...a soldier's march? a cyclone bottled up? Ach, something. ^_^

Myth wrote:Light played on the swarm, lighting up each bee and the buzzing increased to a point where the two friends had to cover their ears. Abruptly, the bees turned into dust particles, and, [s]were[/s] picked up by a wind, [comma] [s]and[/s] all traces of their existence vanished.

Oy, strike that bloody passive 'were'. ^_^' This is an excellent description. Again, it has your knack for concrete and to-the-point language. I think you're losing your vividness however, with how many 'to be' verbs slip in to help out where they're not truly needed. ^_^

Myth wrote:Twisted black trees, with branches extending upwards and outwards, grew rapidly along the lane. Rust coloured leaves fell swiftly and turned to grey ash when settling on the ground. The familiar bushes and oak trees were disappearing, as if Time was pushing itself forward, to be replaced by a dead meadow—wild and festooned with burnt bushes and wilting flowers. A tree rose above their heads, creaking from a non-existent breeze and swished its branches, creating a whispering sound.

Oy, there! This is what I'm talking about - this is lovely, brooding and vivid - no stumbling on weak 'were's'. ^_~ In fact, it's one of my favourites bits of Harpies so far. Its suddenness without any rush - it has the same unnatural naturalness about it. ^_~

Myth wrote:Their surrounding was no longer recognisable. Brenna and Fred stared at one another, uncertain whether to be shocked or marvelled or any emotion at all. How could a place change so quickly without having an affect on them?

Perhaps the first sentence would read clearer if 'surrounding' were plural? So -- Their surroundings were no longer recognisable....

And then, Brenna and Fred

Myth wrote:Brenna and Fred stared at one another, uncertain whether to be shocked or to marvel[s]led or any emotion at all.[/s]

I would drop the final bit entirely. It repeats (somewhat) what's implied and drags the sentence out to a length that fades its striking ability. ^_~

Myth wrote:How could a place change so quickly without having an affect on them?

If you're to use this idea, I would find a way to show it, more than tell. As it is, it seems needlessly rhetorical.

Myth wrote:Naturally, the first to recover was Brenna.

Ach, the passivity, yes? Try -

suggestion wrote:Naturally, Brenna recovered first.

or even...

suggestion wrote: Naturally, Brenna was first to recover.

The second, though still using 'was' at least puts Brenna at the fore, rather than tail-end of the thought.

Myth wrote: She had always been aware of unusual goings-on, though reasons behind this bizarre power were never revealed to her—some would have called it a psychic ability. She was never too thrilled about her magical power. Usually the end results meant Brenna would get in trouble after trying to elucidate why she left faeries a bowl of milk on the doorstep.

Tell about the faerie incident, to illustrate. The rest tends towards an info-dump and repetition. Say it as forthrightly as you put the description of the trees. Brenna (and her past) are just as real and present, in this moment.

So, perhaps if like this --

suggestion wrote: She had always been aware of the unusual - though why, she didn't know. Some would have called it psychic [ what does Brenna think of that idea? ] As far as she knew, it only ever caused trouble - like the end results of trying to elucidate why she left a bowl of milk on the doorstep for faeries.

Yes, terribly offhand on my part. But the idea is to give it a less distant and evasive feel. ^_^

Myth wrote:Fred looked to her for an explanation. “What do you think of this? Is it, you know, your ‘magic’?” he asked.

Might Fred be distinctly uncomfortable talking about 'magic'? Chagrined? Or is it all ordinary, he's believes it without thought...? I assume that, if Brenna is ambivalent about it, Fred wouldn't necassarily broach the subject without some diffidence. Putting 'magic' in quotes gives it either an uncertain hue (on Fred's part) or just a lack of words to describe it.

It might fit, to bring out character and past relationship, to show that. ^_^ Possibly - just a thought.

Myth wrote:“I’m not doing anything. I just see things, not make them happen.”

A branch poked at Brenna. It seemed to point to a sign nailed to a nearby tree. Brenna, conscious of the swaying trees, found a cricket perched on top of the sign but the painted black letters were unknown to her. The cricket chirped and the words began to swim, [s]they[/s] rearranged themselves and, at one point, it was almost legible—Brenna recognised words such as ‘king’ and ‘alight’—yet when she looked for a second time the writing was alien once more.

[I love Brenna's response. ^_^] Then, this is where the story really pulls me in. An interjection that's not entirely irrelevant: I keep typing [ quote = " Brenna" ] rather than Myth. It's driving me mad. But a funny coincidence, isn't it? ^_^''

When Brenna is telling the story, it shines. It's as if the atmosphere leaks out, and you can touch the rough bark of the trees and see the sign, not quite legible while the cricket sings. Brenna isn't evasive in her experience. ^_^

Myth wrote:This was not true. A bell often rang in Brenna’s mind when danger was approaching but, at that moment, there was only silence. [s]She was using her human instinct to prevent anything from happening[/s]. She hoped Fred was not aware of her lie.

Probably 'instinct' could be dropped entirely. It seems a hanging thread as it is.

Myth wrote:Fred stood rooted in place, staring—in disbelief—at the sign as the cricket chirped again. Was her friend able to read the words? [ could he read them/the word? ]

“Let’s go,” she said, feeling uneasy and taking a hold of Fred’s arm.

Just my addition above, possibly, to make it more active. The thought that Fred my be able to read it, and the way he reacts, is both adding to the tension and leaving a question. ^_^

Myth wrote:It was suddenly very chilly. Though the sun [s]was shining[/s] shone? [s]and the temperature was increasing[/s], she felt the cold creeping up behind her. The aura of the place was filled with a turbulence of pain and suffering and, looking around desperately, Brenna could see no way to leave—the road appeared to go on forever in both directions

Yes, more passivity that might be struck out with violence. In the end, up to you, Myth...but I think, at least, some variation needs to be interjected. You've tended to stick to the past tense, helping verbs and all there. !_!''

Myth wrote:Whether he was right or wrong, Brenna did not care. She shrieked as something touched the back of her neck. Fred ignored her discomfort—he was too taken up [s]by[/s] with? the trees to notice her glare furiously at him. What made him think this was the very Road his grandfather had made up?

More and more like fae - the ominous tone grows; and Fred's interest seems as ominous as the rest. ^_^

Myth wrote:He spun around to face her, [s]facial[/s] expression showing anger. “I know you don’t believe me, but I’ll show you. Just because you happen to have magical powers and all that, doesn’t mean I can’t go on an adventure.”

...may not need 'facial' there, really, as expression implies it's his face.

The dialogue, in the tension here, is much tighter. As I noted above, there was something that seemed a little awkward about the first few things they talk of. But this - Fred seems to have his character quite cleark; but better, so does Brenna.

Myth wrote:With that, he ran off up the road, his wild hair waving. Brenna groaned—Don’t make me regret this Fred.

Is his hair wild? How long? How so 'wild'? Somehow, the image is of his hair gone wild, as if it had grown out... o0'

Perhaps something stronger than 'ran' as well? Even 'started'?

Myth wrote: Birds flitted angrily into the air as Fred whooped with joy, Brenna was surprised birds were even roosting in such a horrid place where other [s]life forms[/s] [ creatures? ] did not exist.

Comma maybe spliced? Could easily be two sentences. Full-stop between 'joy' and 'Brenna'.

Myth wrote:“Hurry for what exactly?” Brenna mumbled.

Perhaps italicise 'what' to give the emphasis? She seems almost boneless there...oy, what exactly as if she's flagging but not particularly irritable. She is furious, one way or another, with Fred...?

Myth wrote:At last the path came to an abrupt stop. It was now a stump, partially covered by fallen leaves and dried mud. There was a shimmering curtain to separate the path from whatever was further on and it wavered with motion.

Passive. Perhaps if it were --

suggestion wrote:A shimmering curtain fell to separate the path from whatever was further on and it wavered with motion.

Myth wrote:A stray branch tapped the curtain, and the slow ripples spreading across the delicate fabric seemed to grip[s]ped[/s] Fred. “It’s so ...” he broke off.

Typo 'grip'. And I'd slip 'and' in there, to connect the two ideas a bit better.

Myth wrote:Everything beyond the curtain was in shadows. Nothing could be made out, but Brenna sensed life there. She moved forward to hold Fred’s arm, feeling his warm flesh [ skin? ] underneath, and stood close to him.

Perhaps 'leaned' nearer, rather than 'stood'? 'Lean' implies her movement, whereas 'stood' seems set, as if she's already there and hardly reacting.

Myth wrote:There was an inaudible conversation between the owner of the light and others.

You might make this less passive, again, without the 'was' and something describing the sound of the 'others'?

Myth wrote:Brenna’s head began to hurt as the incessant bell began to ring, [ the ]magic [s]was[/s] warning her but she had no idea what to do.

Double 'began'. Then some addition for the sentence's clarity.

Myth wrote:Someone hushed the excited gabber. Close-by was the splashing of feet, enthusiastic chatter erupted and three blue lanterns lit [s]up[/s]

No need of 'up' when 'lit' says it all. ^_^

Myth wrote:In all the stories Fred’s grandfather had told, he warned them of goblins, creatures that were not always friendly and known to kidnap children.

To punctuate it a little differently, and give it more, well, punctuation. ^_~

suggestion wrote:In all the stories Fred’s grandfather had told, he warned them of goblins: kidnapping children, known as sneaks, liars.

I'm not certain about the content or reliability of my addition on description. But the form is what I'm looking at. ^_^ Up to you to define goblins.

Myth wrote:“Get off me, Fred!” she said and fingered her bruise.

Fingering her bruise before he's off her...? Perhaps if she was reaching for her cheek to touch the bruise?

Myth wrote:The creature was almost as tall as Brenna. A loincloth covered the groin from which hung a grey pouch. The creature grabbed a handful of purple dust and lifted its hand to its lips and blew gently. A light wisp rose and floated above the goblin’s head and, instructed by a single command, the wisp aimed for Brenna.

Sentence structure -- you're beginning each in this paragraph, subject-verb, I think - 'a', 'the', etc.

Myth wrote:“Climb the trees!” She said, thinking quickly.

'she' lower case, yes?

Myth wrote:Having been distracted by the trees, the goblin [ now ] sneered. The purple, vapoury powder was deployed once more

Confused... Perhaps if you just define the first bit by inserting a 'now' by goblin. Then, rather than having the powder passivly deployed by naught that's said, let the goblin do it. Again. 'He blew again, and the powder drifted...' - or however you choose. ^_^

suggestion wrote:Brenna’s knees gave way and she collapsed, [s]she[/s] too [s]was[/s] tired, [s]and[/s] her vision doubl[s]ed[/s]ing

I hope that's clear with all the inserts, strike-outs and bold. ^_^''

Myth wrote:“We won’t be seeing you again.”

Well, I've got to like the ending. ^_^

And now I have to run. Oy, I'm a bit late to class - but as always, Myth, more than a pleasure reading what you've written. There's something latent about Brenna's attitude that keeps one wondering.



IMP

Greatest Jig and Imp: Thank you both so much for tearing Harpies up. I've finally got what I wanted from the very beginning. Changes will be made, and I just hope Brenna will co-operate--she's too much like me so I can see how you can mistake me for her, Imp.

Gone.

Okay, so I’m finally writing some kind of a critique for you , lol. Really sorry it took me so long, I didn’t have lot of free time lately. Looks like Jiggity and Imp beat me to it, hehe, so I suppose I won’t add anything new, sorry if I repeat myself.

Quote:
There was nothing strange about two children walking down a road. Behind them were the tops of trees and a few chimneys,
You have ‘(…) about two children (…)’ and then you have ‘them’… So the first sentence was about ‘two children’ in general, ok. But then, in the second sentence, you have about those ‘two children’ again, though here it is about particular ’two children’. -Complicated, twisted and incomprehensible what I just wrote, I am aware of it xD. I wouldn’t understand myself, so: I think you should add ‘the’ before ‘two children’. Juts a suggestion, though.

Quote:
Although he was a year older, Fred shared the same wild imagination
Picky and nitpicky - you have ‘Fred’ again, just as in the previous sentence.

Quote:
“Oh, I just wish I didn’t have to visit the cousins, but my parents are going to be busy as usual.” Brenna sighed heavily.
That kind of sounds a bit awkward, at least to me. I know that this is a dialogue, so an abrupt change of topic is ok, but this kind of… Maybe it’s the un-dialogues (or what it’s called) sentences between or something… Oh, I don’t know. Great help, aren’t I?

Quote:
Besides, you’ll get to see French people eating snails
Cool sentence, hehe,

Quote:
They were slimy and did not have a chance to escape, they were far too slow and she hoped the cousins would not see her squirm.
Another of the awkward-ish sentence? I guess I somehow don’t like it too much… I can live through the repentance of ‘they were’, but then the last part - it kind of doesn’t fit… Or maybe it does. Ah, I don’t know. Again. ^_^

Quote:
I never liked eating chicken and Father says I shouldn’t be too picky.
Kind of don’t see the link of one to the other. Somehow. Oh, I like ‘kind of’ today, don’t I? I’ll leave it to you to reread it, lol. If you think it’s ok, then it is, hehe.

Quote:
Fred shrugged, resuming his whistling to the popular ‘Maybe It’s Because I’m A Londoner’ tune.
Really short-ish paragraph, lol, but that’s ok, hehe, The exact description of the tune, in thos case the longish title, is bugging me…

Quote:
There was a hazy cloud hovering in the air and, shivering from a cold vibration, she halted.

I kind of don’t see the link of the first part to the last. I mean, it does make sense when you look at it, but you have a descritpion and then ‘she halted’… Awkward-ish? >.<

Quote:
To her surprise Brenna found the cloud was actually a swarm of bees, frozen in position, yet she could hear their buzzing of confusion.
Comma somewhere up there in the first part? Don’t know, not sure. The last [art a separate sentence?

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Words to describe her feelings could not be found.
Aww, why not?

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Abruptly, the bees turned into dust particles, and were picked up by a wind and all traces of their existence vanished.
Two ‘ands’ - I really don’t like those sentences, but I suppose it’s ok… ‘By the wind’?

Quote:
(…) to be replaced by a dead meadow—wild and festooned with burnt bushes and wilting flowers.
The dash needed? I would do a separate sentence, but just a suggestion. I suppose it’s ok, though.

Quote:
Brenna and Fred stared at one another, uncertain whether to be shocked or marvelled or any emotion at all.
Marvelled=marveled. ‘Or any emotions at all’? Maybe it’s just me, but that kind of doesn’t fit, in my opinion.


Ah, so Brenna has magic. Wasn’t expecting that, really, it came as a surprise, lol. Later on it’s stated a matter-of-factly… Maybe a bit to much…

Quote:
“What do you think of this? Is it, you know, your ‘magic’?” He asked.
Lower case ‘he’.

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The cricket chirped and the words began to swim, they rearranged themselves and, at one point, it was almost legible
‘They were almost legible’?

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She was using her human instinct to prevent anything from happening.
‘Human instinct’? I think you should describe her powers a bit more…

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It was suddenly very chilly.
‘Became’ up there?

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“Isn’t it weird?” Fred said,
It’s a question.

Quote:
shrieked as something touched the back of her neck
Maybe you should say what exactly touched her?

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Don’t make me regret this Fred.
Comma before ‘Fred’

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Light was fading, as the twisted trees grew high as the sky
Comma needed?

Quote:
Birds flitted angrily into the air as Fred whooped with joy, Brenna was surprised birds were even roosting in such a horrid place where other life forms did not exist.
No other forms of life? Okay, so I don’t exactly know what is hid under the phrase, bur, there are others, aren’t there? I mean, she and her friend are there. Also, semicolon instead of comma?

Quote:
Brenna clasped a hand over his mouth, however it was too late—the glow was doused.
Another comma up there? However, I;m not sure.

Quote:
She still had her hand on Fred’s mouth and he fell on her, his elbow made contact with her cheek.
‘As’ up there’?

Quote:
“Climb the trees!” She said, thinking quickly.
Small case ‘she’?


Oh, I see you’ve posted a continuation. ^_^ *happiness*. I’ll critique it later, no time now. For now I’ll just say that you got me interesting. The ending sentence was like… great, lol.

-elein

Dear 'Sari: Hello, you can take your time with the critique, as I know most don't have a lot of free time. Thanks for your points, I've saved them and will make edits--though I won't post it here.

One last thing, if you find spelling mistakes it is because I'm from Britian =]

Gone.

There! I finally managed to critique another section! *Bows, to thunderous applause*
Sorry if the critiques are outdated, but I've been compiling it for a few weeks now in between my other editing. Many, many apologies for not getting to it sooner.
I'm working on the next scene, so I promise I'll be back for more!

Brenna dyed her hair, refusing to revert to the original dark brown it had once been—presently it was in shades of green with turquoise.

Sweet! The only Brenna I know has really red hair, so it’s good to get that image out of my mind.

“For crying out loud, Brenna, you’re not a mermaid!” her mother had retorted.

“Retorted” generally means someone’s replying to the spoken words of someone else. I’d use a different word, like “admonished” or something.

“Merrow,” Brenna corrected. She had then ran fingers through the newly dyed hair, wondering whether anyone would ever know that mermaids did not exist—she had never seen any, and a merrow had assured her too.

*Does a double-take* Nice. No clue what a merrow is, but I like the foreshadowing here.

At Mew Lane, the neighbours gave Brenna contemptuous looks, hoping she would not approach them or invite a rowdy group of friends to the area. They paid no attention to her when she greeted them.

Ha-- is this from personal experience? I’ve been treated this way so much by grownups...

The only other things Brenna required were art supplies. Her room was filled with portfolios and work in progress. One corner dedicated to the art world with books of all shapes and sizes, various paint boxes and equipments, a certificate for a contest entry and photographs of the pieces she sold to private clients—some were her father’s colleagues but Brenna did not inform Mr Tandy in fear of losing her work.

What medium does she use? I’m assuming paint, but there are so many different kinds. Is she using acrylics? Oils? Watercolors? Does she paint landscapes, portraits, abstract pieces? This paragraph would be a great place to characterize.

In her room, Brenna took out her clarinet. She kept it in a black box under her bed, the plush blue interior was soft to touch and she smiled as her fingers ran along the trimmed edge. Brenna admired the black shape and tested the notes, her fingers pressing the silver keywork lightly.

I love your description of the clarinet. Good characterization.

Mozart’s ‘Clarinet Concerto’ played in the background. She joined in, knowing—from memory—every note. It was a piece she had performed as a solo act at the school music concert. Although she had not won Brenna was satisfied, music made her happy, calmed her like nothing else could.

I’d put a comma after “won” and change the comma after “satisfied” to a semicolon. I think it would read easier.
Yay, music competitions! Just attended one of those...

Music is my soul.

I like this. Good characterization.

Long ago she had considered herself to be different from other people. It was not decided in a day. Brenna had spent an awful amount of time thinking and ended up with headaches on a few occasions—in her childhood days she had always frowned while browsing her mind—and finally she discovered a method to combine music with her supernatural ability.

Again, good contrast between the ordinary and extraordinary. And it’s also a lovely long sentence-- I’m not brave enough to write those!

Why was she the only one to remember him? The Normans denied having a son, or any child, and when Brenna had burst into their house—in order to prove them wrong—she found everything different: Fred’s belongings vanished, as if there had never been a boy living at Number Forty-Three.

Cree-py...

A winged creature sat, with its back to her, on the table. It was putting together broken glass from one of the windows. Brenna guessed it must have accelerated when landing and watched the creature repair the damage, and then transport it—in the blink of an eye—back into place.
Quite impressive, she thought, admiring the creature’s handiwork.

The best part about this is that Brenna isn’t surprised.

Brenna was shocked by the creature’s address. “You know my name?” She blushed, embarrassed by what she had just asked—if it knew she was there, surly it knew a simple thing like her name.

It should be “surely,” not “surly.”

The skin was in mosaic colours of blue, the eyes large and grey and tufts of black hair grew on top of its smooth head, and—like other similar creatures—it wore a loincloth.

Something about this sentence is punctuated wrong, but I can’t figure it out... Argh. Maybe there should be a comma after “grey,” but I’m not sure.

“I’m not a gargoyle but an imp—one of the species that make up the Hob creatures,”

I think there’s an “it said” missing here.

The imp made no reply, as if the answers to both questions could be a no or a yes. “I only came to tell you that the Road has returned. This time you’re to go through to Trun,”

Period instead of a comma here.

The imp watched as she gathered herself. She was not sure what to do at first, the imp had said to hurry but how long was she to be away for? Should she actually go along with the creature and not take food and drink?

Comma after “hurry.” I like the uncertainty you’re creating here. Lots of foreboding.

“Are you going with me?” she asked from the hallway. Her parents were out, leaving a hurried note crawled on the jotter. She tore it off and wrote her own message:
Gone out. Back soon,
Brenna

You mean “scrawled,” right?
“Back soon.” R-i-g-h-t.

“Does this person have a name?”
Again, no answer.

Ominous! Good tension here.

Brenna was no longer existed in the Tandy household.

Yipe! Now, that’s creepy.
There’s a bit of a tense issue here. Either:
“Brenna no longer existed...”
or:
“Brenna was longer in...”

Downstairs, pictures and trophies melted into nothing. The imp closed the door. Rain did not bother it as a shield protected him. “Go, create new memories,”

Period instead of a comma.

Remaining red crystals glowed, taking flight into the air, already replacing the life of Brenna Tandy. The note from her parents burned away. Brenna’s writing was wiped.

Freaky... and a very good scene ending, might I add.

Overall, I love the contrast between the regular world and the other world. I like Brenna and the way she reacts to things. I'm really eager to see where you take this!

Gotta run now. Cheers!
~Shafter

Shafter! Thanks for the critique, never managed to say it on here XD

The merrow thing is explained in a later chapter, won't be updating this but thanks for reading and the critique, Brenna's off somewhere and I can't get her to talk =]

**No more critiques please. Locked.**