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Spirit Caller #1



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Tue Feb 13, 2007 6:27 pm
Esmé says...



Acelyn

Prologue


A thin, frail looking woman, a shawl tight around her arms, turned to the man next to her. “Alaise is dead,” she whispered, her voice hoarse. “Look!”

Clouds raced across the sky at an impossible pace, their dark colors blending in with the yellows, oranges and purples of the setting sun. Rain shot down out of nowhere, small drops as sharp as needles to passersby below. For a moment, only a moment, the drops turned to fire as lightning cracked overhead, splitting the heavens in two.

“Alaise is dead,” echoed the man, wind whipping at the hems of his robes.

Together, man and woman, hand in hand, raised their arms into the air, their voices to be heard far and wide. They Sang, Sang of a woman of whom almost no one would remember, Sang of a heroine, who sacrificed more than anyone.



One


The Marchioness lazily swam out of Thynor Harbor, helped only slightly by the gentle wind which blew at those passengers who decided to take one last look at Aleinn, the country which boundaries they were soon to leave.

One of such persons, a sixteen, maybe seventeen year old girl, was leaning against the railing, shivering as the breeze grew colder. Her eyes were fixed on the slowly disappearing city, while white-knuckled hands clutched on the barrier that separated her from the water below.

Acelyn had no idea what she was doing, really. She hated to leave the country in which she grewn up, her home, but she and her sister-

The girl froze. Where was her sister?

“Cat! Cat, come here this second! Catalina!” Ignoring the glare of a haughty-looking woman next to her, she spun around, eyes alert as she looked for her sister. “Cat!”

Furious, Ace made her way through the crowd, suddenly forgetting about her own thoughts. How many times did she tell Cat not to go anywhere on her own? How long did she drill into her sister that now, especially now, they were to keep together? Digging her fingernails deep into her palms, she tried not to look as anxious as she felt.

***

Seven year old Catalina, standing in one of the numerous hallways of “The Marchioness”, was watching the spectacle made especially for her. Wide-eyed, two fingers picking at her lower lip, she laughed with glee as the floating around her sparks in quick succession changed their form, from bear to rabbit. Multicolored, they swirled around her, sparkling and glittering.

“Cat! Catalina!” The girl, oblivious to the shouting, was absorbed by the colors and shapes. Then she turned to the source of all her entertainment, a small, plump old woman with a friendly face.

“That’s my sister,” Cat whispered, her eyes still on the glimmering flickers in the air. Disappointment in her tone, she added, “I think you should go… She wouldn’t like me talking to you…”

The woman nodded understandingly, smiled, and collected her sparks, catching them in mid-air. It was clear that she was trying to do this quick, though her smile never wavered. As footsteps echoed in the corridor, her moves became frantic. About half of the sparks was still swirling around when the hem of a brown, worn dress emerged from the corner, succeeding its owner.

“Cat, what are you doing?” Acelyn stopped in mid-step in the middle of the corridor. Her face paled as she saw the clapping happily Cat, whose gaze was fixed on the wall. “Oh, for the love of-” Ace did not finish. Instead, she caught hold of her sister by the shoulders, throwing her arms protectively around Catalina, at the same time making it possible to see what Cat was seeing. Or almost. She took a step back, squeezing her sister so tight that the latter yelped.

The blurry outline of an old woman grinned at her impishly, revealing a set of black teeth, two of which were missing. A pale, sallow face was surrounded by only a few strands of gray hair, while deep-set, glinting maliciously eyes were placed above a long, crooked nose. A claw-like snatched the last grey, shapeless apparitions before her. She grinned again before disappearing.

“What did you do that for?” Cat wailed, a pout creeping into her voice. “You scared her off! You always scare them off, and they just want to play with me.”

“You want to play with them?”

“Yes,” came the stubborn reply. “They at least want to play with me. You never have any time, and they say that they have lots of it.”

“Oh, of course they have time,” muttered Ace under her breath. “Cat, we talked about this. No Calling-”

“I didn’t Call her!” Cat interrupted. Her chin was wobbling and brows were furrowed, a sure sign of bursting into tears any moment now. She broke out of her sister’s hold, a thick brown braid in her stead.

“Of course you – wait a second, you didn’t Call that hag?”

“I already said that!”

“Then you can say it again,” snapped Ace, feeling panic rise in her. This was going too far, much too far.

“I won’t, won’t, won’t.” Cat stuck her tongue out at her sister. “And she isn’t a hag. She is very pretty, for your information. Prettier than you. And her dress is prettier than yours. And mine.” Catalina paused for a moment to take a breath. “When will I get a new dress? I don’t like this one! Buy me a dress. A dress, dress, dress!”

“Cat, hush. I’m trying to think-”

“A dress, dress, dress!”

“I said that I’m trying to-”

“A dress, dress, dress!”

“Cat, I told you-”

“You’re always thinking! You never play with me, and when I Call them when I’m bored, you get mad-”

“They’re dead, Cat.”

“So what? They’re nicer than you are. And they play with me.”

“They’re dead,” Ace repeated, emphasizing ever word. “Their place is not here. You should leave them alone-”

“But I told you that I didn’t Call her! She came by herself, really, really, really!”

“How could she have come by herself?”

“I don’t know. Ask her, if you want,” Cat stuck her tongue out again, knowing very well that it was impossible. The spirits which she could Call, however realistic, lacked the ability of speech. “And they say that they don’t like it there.”

“Where?”

“There. They say that they like it better here. That they want me to call them. They said the like me!”

“Cat!” Ace’s voice echoed the hopelessness which she was feeling inside. “We talked about this, remember? You were not supposed to Call them. Ma wouldn’t have liked that, would she?”

“No, she wouldn’t have liked that… Ma would – Ace, I want Ma to come back! Make her come back!” Forgetting about being angry with her sister, Cat threw herself into Ace’s arms.

“Shsh, honey, I know…” Feeling wetness on her cheek, she was not sure whether it was Cat’s or hers. “I want her back, too.”

“Then make her come. I miss her.”

“I can’t, Cat, You know that if I could, I would, right?” As Ace asked the question, Catalina nodded, tears still in her eyes. Trying to change the topic, the older girl said, “You know what? I think we look very silly here, us in this corridor and crying ourselves out…”

Catalina smiled, though the tears were still not quite dry out of her eyes. “Tell me a story, Ace.”

“Later, sweetie. Let’s go back to our cabin… I have a piece of chalk, you know…” Ace smiled at her sister’s sudden enthusiasm.

“All right, I’ll draw you a horse, just like the one Eva showed me!”

“Eva?”

“Uhum, that’s the old wo-” Cat stopped in mid-word, seeing her sister’s expression. “That’s someone’s name… Anyway, I’ll draw you a horse, a cat, a dog and… Ace, are you listening?”

-But Acelyn was not listening. She did not see the crestfallen look on her sister’s face. Deep in her own thoughts, she also did not notice the sudden appearance of the shadow of a small boy, whose hand Catalina took in her own.

***

“Why do we have to sit in this cabin all the time? Why can’t I go on the deck? I want to go see the sea! Why can’t I go see-”

“Because we don’t want to be remembered, Cat. That’s why.”

“That’s stupid.”

Acelyn sighed, inwardly agreeing with her sister. She knew that hiding in their cabin would do them no good, but, for time being, it gave her a sense of security. False security, but security nevertheless. Watching Catalina draw pictures with the chalk she had given her, Ace furrowed her brows, catching glimpse of the sickly tint of Cat’s face.

“Cat? Cat, honey, are you sick?”

“Hmm… What?” Catalina raised her eyes, looking reproachfully at her sister. “No, I’m not sick. And stop bothering me. I’m playing.”

“Cat.” That trace of yellow was bothering Acelyn, who had seen it on Alaise’s face not so long ago. She knew how it ended, and she was determined to save her sister from that fate.

“What?” A wail crept into the younger girl’s voice. “I’m busy.”

“Promise me something, all right?”

“No,” Catalina grouchily returned to the rough sketch of a horse.

“Cat.” Ace’s voice turned into the particular tone which Catalina knew better than to ignore. “Promise me that you will stop Calling them. Please.”

“Yes.”

“You promise?”

“I promise! Can I go back to drawing now? I want to draw, draw, draw!”

“That means that I will not see any stray ghosts around, do you understand?”

“Yes.” Cat thought for a minute. “But what if they come by themselves?”

“Then you tell me, and I will make them go away. Cat, this is important. Nod that you understand.”

Catalina nodded solemnly, and Ace sighed again, wishing that her sister would finally understand that this was for her own good. Cat was a Soul Caller, Ace knew, just as their fool of a mother, Alaise.

It started recently, the Calling of the ghosts, just before Alaise’s death. Ace had a murky suspicion that it was their mother who had taught Cat how to Call them in the first place, not caring about the consequences. –And the consequences were plain, really. All it took to see them was to take a look in the mirror. Misty, almost colorless eyes and a mask of a face, sickly and yellowish, the harboring of which Catalina had…

No. Cat was a child, just a child. Alaise was much, much older when it took control over her. Alaise wanted it to take over her.

“Ace?”

“Hmm?”

“What are you doing?”

“Thinking.”

“Again?”

“Yes.”

“About what?”

“About what we will do when we get off the ship.”

“Uhum.” Cat returned to the drawing on the wall. For a few minutes, she was quiet. “Ace?”

“Yes?”

“What will we do when we get off the ship?”

“I don’t know.”

“Uhum.”


---

Okay, so as I said, this is kinf of a rip off of my original short story, lol. But I really had a lot of fun writing this, and any comments would be most appreciated and welcome!

P.S. I think Iąll post a prologue...
Last edited by Esmé on Sat Apr 07, 2007 5:40 pm, edited 9 times in total.
  





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Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:50 am
Fan says...



I'm not in critique mode so I'll shower you wiht compliments. Very good. You portray Cat's childish umm..(that word i forgot where you are trusting and caring), yeah well that very well. You also portray Ace's insecurities well and i could feel it on the other end of the computer screen. :D
  





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Fri Feb 16, 2007 11:39 am
Myth says...



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*

Clouds raced on the sky at an impossible pace, their dark colors blending in with the yellows, oranges and purples of the setting sun.


... across ...

For a moment, only a moment, the drops turned to fire as lightning cracked overhead, splitting the heavens into two.


I’m sure it is: in

“Alaise is dead,” repeated the man, wind whipping at the hems of his robes.


Only use ‘repeated’ if the same person says something again. Here you could perhaps have: ... the man also said ...

They Sang, Sang of a woman of whom almost no one would remember, Sang of a hero, who sacrificed more than anyone.


Hero is used for a male character: heroine

“The Marchioness” lazily swam out of Thynor Harbor, helped only slightly by the gentle wind which blew at those passengers who decided to take one last look at Aleinn, the country which boundaries they were soon to leave.


It is more common to have the name of a ship in italics, quotation marks are used for dialogue, sometimes even the title of books/songs.

One of such persons, a sixteen, maybe seventeen year old girl, was leaning against the railing, shivering as the breeze became colder.


I’m not too sure what you’re trying to say there, something like: One of the passengers?

‘became’ sounds wrong, to me, how about: grew?

Acelyn had no idea what she was doing, really. She hated to leave the country in which she grew in, her home, but she and her sister-


‘in’ = up

“Cat! Cat, come here this second! Catalina!” Ignoring the glare of a haughty-looking woman next to her, she spun around, eyes alert as she looked for her loss. “Cat!”


Replace ‘loss’ with ‘sister’.

Furious, Ace made her was through the crowd, suddenly forgetting about her own thoughts.


‘was’ = way

Wide-eyed, two fingers picking at her lower lip, she laughed with glee as the floating around her sparks in quick succession changed their form, from bear to rabbit.


Do you mean: sparks, floating around her?

“Cat! Catalina!” The girl, first oblivious to the shouting, her attention absorbed by the colors and shapes.


I think you could take out ‘first’.

About half of the sparks was still swirling around when the hem of a brown, worn dress emerged from the corner, succeeding its owner.


Maybe: ... followed by its owner?

“Cat, what are you doing?” Acelyn stopped in mid-step in the middle of the corridor. Her face paled as she saw the clapping happily Cat, whose gaze was fixed on the wall.


Just ‘pale’ would be all right, though you don’t need to change it.

A claw like snatched the last grey, shapeless apparitions before her.


A what? I don’t know what went on here.

“But I told you that I didn’t call her! She came by herself, really, really, really!”


Since ‘call’ is always capitalised you should continue here.

“I don’t know. Ask her, if you want,” Cat stuck her tongue out again, knowing very well that that was impossible. [...] “And the say that they don’t like it there.”


‘that’ = it

‘the’ = they


“There. They say that they like it better here. That they want me to call them. They said the like me!”


Capitalise ‘call’

‘the’ = they


“Uhum, that’s the old wo-” Cat stopped in mid-word, seeing her sister’s expression. “That’s someone’s name… Anyways, I’ll draw you a horse, a cat, a dog and… Ace, are you listening?”


‘anyways’ = anyway

“What?” A wail not crept into the younger girl’s voice. “I’m busy.”


Take out ‘not’.

“Cat.” Ace’s voice turned into the particular tone which Catalina knew better than too ignore. “Promise me that you will stop Calling them. Please.”


‘too’ = to

“Then you tell me, and I will make the go away. Cat, this is important. Nod that you understand.”


‘the’ = them

*

I have to say Cat is very annoying, reminds me of my younger siblings.

Is this a different version from your other Acelyn entry?

The ghosts are, as usual, creepy and I like the idea of how you can see them in mirrors, and Cat being able to Call them, maybe sometimes without knowing.

As a beginning there was not much to go on, we did find out who this Alaise is but not why her daughters are leaving home, and I think I might have an idea why Ace might not have liked her mother much.

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  





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Fri Feb 16, 2007 1:57 pm
Esmé says...



As always, I thank, thank, thank you for your time :)

Yeah, I know that there was not much going on and it's botehring me a bit, lol. I guess I just wanted to idtroduce the characters first. As to why they are leaving home - that will be explained in the next part.

Again, thank you for taking your time,

-elein

I'm printing out your story this minute, lol :) Looks interesting.

P.S. Yes, this is kind of different. That one was more of a short story, without any sense at all, lol. And there were no ghosts.
  





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Sat Feb 17, 2007 6:37 pm
Esmé says...



I added it to the top
Last edited by Esmé on Fri Mar 09, 2007 6:41 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Sat Feb 24, 2007 3:42 pm
Charlie II says...



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chapter One: Second Part Critique
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alaise’s assurances of friends in Lyssene who would take care of them only went so far, seeing as they were already thrown out by one set of such people.

First, I don't think you need the apostrophe after friends.
Second, something about that phrase just doesn't seem right to me. I wonder whether 'thrown' is the right word for it. Maybe 'cast out'? I'm not really sure there.

Cat,being a Soul Caller,had that effect on most people.

I think you need commas there.

“No, now, now, now!” The pout became clearer. “Now! Tell ma a story.”

Probably just a quick typo.

Then, darling, I think you are starting to forget your dear Ma.

*Chuckles* Very good. Love that!

“Please, please, ple-” Cat stopped in mid-word. “Can I ask Eva to tell me a story?”

You can get away with leaving out the 'in'. It doesn't really fit.

Being on the verge of tears, she tried to stop the slinking in her direction hysteria.

This sentence doesn't really make sense. Did you mean 'she tried to stop the hysteria slinking in her direction'?

More than not she was just absent, but even when she was there she was not one to lend a hand.

I think if you put 'often' between the first two words it would be slightly easier to read and you also need to put in another 'was' where I highlighted it in bold.

At the beginning Alaise always made sure that there was someone around, a servant, sometimes a neighbor.

My spell check says 'neighbour'. That might be the British spelling though.

Back then Alaise would wink at them, tell them that she was going on a walk or something equally trivial.

The comma doesn't really work here. I'd use a conjunction like 'and'.

Alaise had never been a beauty, but gray hairs that appeared much too early and the indifferent, hollow look in her eye did not make her more so.

I can see what you're doing here but it doesn't really fit. You could try something like 'did not help'.

She was not wrong; there was Cat, laughing as she watched an invisible for her sister phantom.

Ahhhhhh. :( I don't understand.



*Sniffs* Touching. I really don't know what to say. It was beautiful and the characters where very, very real. The plot devices, the unanswered questions, are well laid and it finishes without a cliff-hanger yet I still want to read more. Very good!

DarkLight
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
-- Woody Allen
  





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Sat Feb 24, 2007 4:24 pm
jord says...



i thought this was really good. usually i dont read posts by girls, because i dont enjoy them. but this one was very different. after reading the first paragraph i was totally hooked.
  





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Sat Feb 24, 2007 4:25 pm
jord says...



i would also like to say that i totally agree with everything darklight said.
  





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Sat Feb 24, 2007 4:47 pm
Esmé says...



Thank you guys so much for criiquing and your time, I really, really appreciate it.

Darklight: As to the phantom, that was (a bit) explained in part one. Cat is a Soul Caller, whih means she can see teh spirits of the dead. -Only she can see them, though. Ace, when she touches her sister, can see them also.

Anyways, thanks again for the crits. I'll be making chages soon.

-elein
  





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Sun Feb 25, 2007 11:59 am
Shadowsun says...



eleinasari wrote: Alaise had never been a beauty, but gray hairs that appeared much too early and the indifferent, hollow look in her eye did not make her more so. The color seemed to be drawn from her normally dark features; the yellowish tint that appeared on it made her face look like a mask.


I think you want: but the gray hairs

Maybe: made her even less so

apart from the above everything else was great. I'm looking forward to reading more. :D

Tres bon! - Very good! 8)

Shadowsun
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Sun Feb 25, 2007 2:19 pm
Esmé says...



No... That was how I meant it to be, I think. But thank you, thank you, thank you for taking your time and reading this.

-elein
  





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Mon Feb 26, 2007 12:32 pm
Myth says...



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*

Alaise’s assurances of friends in Lyssene who would take care of them only went so far, seeing as [they were already thrown out] by one set of such people.


I agree with DL here, ‘cast out’ is a good suggestion.

“Cat! Cat, wait!” Acelyn made a move as if to stand up, but sat down again, [a sigh escaping her lips].


When people sigh, they breath out of their nose, not the mouth/lips, right?

Being on the verge of tears, [she tried to stop the slinking in her direction hysteria].


I think you mean she has a ‘sinking feeling’?

Ace was nine then, [Cat didn’t have a year yet].


Cat was obviously very young, use ‘babe’ as it means between the months from birth to one. Suggestion: Ace had been nine then, Cat was still a babe.

She was not wrong; there was Cat, laughing as she watched an invisible for her sister phantom.


You need to think about what this means, you probably understand because you wrote it but it just doesn’t make sense. I’m having trouble trying to help clear what it means. I may be wrong, but is it supposed to say that Cat was with a phantom and was laughing because Ace could not see it? Or something similar?

*

Hello ’Sari!

We finally get a little insight of what the girls’ mother was like.

Cat is very annoying, I don’t like her at all and even her gift doesn’t get me to be a little fond of her.

I found the last sentence, mentioned in my critique, hard to understand. It was the same with the ‘slinking hysteria’ too. You don’t seem to know how to write what you want to say, maybe you should have this sentence is various phases and see which one best describes what it is you want. Or it just may be that I don’t get the picture.

-- Myth
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'...'
  





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Mon Feb 26, 2007 12:41 pm
dragnet says...



Cool! I love it so far! I'm glad that you love to write this stuff! I like to write this kind of stuff, too!
Many ask me if I see the glass as half full or half empty. Well, I don't know about you, but I see the glass as, WHO DRANK HALF OF MY MILK?!?!?!
  





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Mon Feb 26, 2007 7:04 pm
Esmé says...



Thank you for reading, dragnet. You're new? Welcome to the site, lol.

Myth: The same, thanks for reading, I really appreciate it. You're a miracle...

-elein
  








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