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Fallen



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Thu Feb 01, 2007 11:43 am
tinny says...



When she woke up she remembered nothing.

"Then another sign appeared in heaven..."

Slowly, she opened an eye. The cell was dark, damp, and decayed. Muck and filth sticking between her pale, opalescent toes as she walked around the edge of her prision, running a white finger along the wall. She came to a door, a heavy door made from metal and when she placed her palm upon it a horrific cold crashed into her skin. She didn’t like it here. Where was the warmth she was used to? Where was the clean? Where were the others she was meant to be with?

The others?

She paused and looked down at her milky feet. There were others, yes, and she was meant to be with them, but she just couldn’t remember who they were. She couldn’t remember who she was, or what she was. She stared at her hands, and at the unearthly light that seemed to irradiate from delicate slim fingers. She looked up as strange smell began to seep into the room, it stung her nose and made her sneeze violently, tears welling up in her tiny eyes. It grew stronger and stronger till it was almost suffocating, before she collapsed onto the floor in a pale heap.

"…An enormous red dragon…"

She woke again, unable to remember having fallen asleep in the first place, but now aware. Her back hurt like hell, and when she reached a hand over to see what was causing her such pain, she felt something warm and sticky beneath her fingers. Red blood. She began shaking, terrified. She’d never seen blood before. The thought that she contained it had never crossed her mind, and now the knowledge that she could bleed sickened her to the bone. There were two wounds, both raw and bloody, both above her shoulder-blades.

For a long time there was silence, before a slit appeared in the door, allowing a light that was not her own to filter into the room.

“Who are you?” Asked a voice. She shook her head, silent. She didn’t know if she were simply unsure of what to say or had forgotten how to form the words themselves. He waited for her, and then asked again.

“Who are you?” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, the crisp cold air aching in her lungs.

“I don’t know.” There was silence again, the slit closed and the light was cut off, she sighed and rubbed her face, desperately trying to remember. What was she doing here?

"…with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his heads…"


“God, please help me…” She whispered, trying to hold back the confused tears that were now brimming at her eyes. She was aware. She could now feel the constant touch of the thin surgical gown that had been tied around her, hiding the nakedness that she’d never realised was there. “God, please help me…” She whispered again.

When she took her hands away from her face there was something else in the room with her now. A chair. A simple clean chair that shone just like she did. Without hesitation she ran over and climbed onto it, pulling her legs tight to her chest so that no part of her body was in contact with the filthy blackness that had threatened to consume her. She balanced her head on her knees and then wrapped her arms around her legs, willing herself to go back home, wherever that might be.

"…His tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky…"

The man returned, though this time more people came with him; she could hear their hushed conversation and through the tiny hole in the door she could see their prying eyes.

“What is she?” One asked, “Where did you say you’d found her?”

“She was floating out on the ocean.” Came the reply.

“I though you said she had wi-”

“We removed them, they’re being examined in the lab.”

“Oh.”

For a long while she could hear only the sound of their breathing, and she wondered what they were excepting from her, what they were waiting for. Had something happened to her brother? She paused.

Her brother.

That was why she came, and now she was beginning to remember, yet before she could arrange the memories that were flooding back to her, she was addressed by her captors.

“Why are you here?” Asked the man who had spoken with her before.

“I came with my brother,” she said, slowly remembering, “He told me I had to, but…” She closed her eyes, why had they left?

“But what?”

“I…” She opened her eyes again and looked down at her hands, they were pink, like human hands. She felt hunger like humans did, and realised that her terror, fear, and confusion were also very human feelings. “Oh God!” She exclaimed, though using the words in a more human manner.

“What’s wrong?”

“He wanted to be great, greater than-” She felt her stomach heave and tears ran down her face as vomit splattered onto the floor.

“Greater than who?” He asked desperately. She knew the answer; but it was nauseating, burned into her mind, and she could feel her brother’s soft laughter slowly wrapping around her throat, choking her, daring her to speak.

“Greater than who?” He asked again, anger building up inside his once calm voice. “C’mon you goddamn freak, speak for God’s sake!”

“The one who made us.” She said at last, somehow managing to choke out the words. “But he couldn’t be, and my brother, he was cast out. He had sympathisers, people who agreed with him, and they were cast out too.”

“And you?”

“My brother made me come.” She said softly, becoming more and more human-like with each passing moment. The light that once shone from her pale skin was gone, and now she was just a small girl curled up on an eerily white chair. She knew she was nothing now, but bathed in its paleness, she felt safe.

“What’s your brother called?” She shook her head, no, she couldn’t answer that, he’d kill her if she said anything. Though no doubt he’d kill her if she even if she stayed silent for the rest of her life.

“His name,” She said quietly, closing her eyes and curling up as tightly as she could. She didn’t want to do this, but she had the chair, and she had forgiveness, a second chance.

"..And flung them to the earth." (Revelations 12:3-4)

“His name, was Lucifer.”
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Thu Feb 01, 2007 5:10 pm
Esmé says...



Quote:
Muck and filth sticking between her pale, opalescent toes as she walked around the edge of her prision, running a white finger along the wall.
Prision = prison. ‘Muck and filth’ - after that add ‘was’.

Quote:
She came to a door, a heavy door made from metal and when she placed her palm upon it a horrific cold crashed into her skin.
Because of the part after ‘and’, the emphasizing of the door crushed. I would split this into two (the sentence, that is) -But that’s just my suggestion.

Quote:
She looked up as strange smell began to seep into the room, it stung her nose and made her sneeze violently, tears welling up in her tiny eyes.
First comma into a period? ‘It began’? -Again, just a suggestion. You do not have to agree.

Quote:
It grew stronger and stronger till it was almost suffocating, before she collapsed onto the floor in a pale heap.
Unclear sentence alert.

Quote:
One asked, “Where did you say you’d found her?”
Okay, this just looks weird. Yes, such a helpful critic I am, aren’t I? Stupid dialogue punctuation, Eh. This is the first and only thing I’m pointing out of the like, because I suck at it. Obviously. To the point - you have a comma and then a capitalized word. Is that correct? A bit down (‘came the reply’) - the period into a comma?
Ah, no. I said I would shut up.

Quote:
But he couldn’t be, and my brother, he was cast out.
Unclear sentence alert.

Quote:
“His name,” She said quietly,
‘she’ in small letters.

Quote:
“His name, was Lucifer.”
No comma. And as you have ‘was’ the I take it that he is no longer called Lucifer?


Okay, so that’s all. Forgive me about the punctuation part, lol. Interesting, really. I look forward to reading more!

-elein
  





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Thu Feb 01, 2007 5:40 pm
Saphira says...



opening line was fantastic. very descriptive.

Quote:
She stared at her hands, and at the unearthly light that seemed to irradiate from delicate slim fingers.

from 'her' delicate slim fingers? (makes more sense)

Quote:
When she took her hands away from her face there was something else in the room with her now.

'with her now'
not needed. (just a suggestion)


All decription was amazing and i will definately read more of this!
  





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Mon Feb 05, 2007 2:42 pm
tinny says...



eleinasari: *gives cookies* I love my punctuation and I hate it when I miss my mistakes, so thanks a lot for pointing them out for me ^^ Just one question, what's an 'unclear sentance alert'? I'm not sure I know what they are O_o...

Saphira: I missed out a her? *hits head* ack, I'm so stupid, thanks for pointing it out ^^ *gives gingerbread men*


More? Hmm, I might write more to this, depends if I can ever come up with anything I suppose XD
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Mon Feb 05, 2007 4:00 pm
Ego says...



It's really, really....like "OMFG U totally lyke rock!" status.

I dunno if you should continue it, because it's awesome how it is. It's very mysterious and dark, and the quotes strewen throughout add to it.

I really dig this--though I have to ask: she started out almost glowing, right? By the end of the piece she was pale, like a human? Wouldn't she have been in the cell for a while before she woke up? Did her complexion diminish in that time, as well?

Wow. Excellent. Great read, Tin.
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Lumi: He's the sweetest angel this side of hades.
  





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Mon Feb 05, 2007 5:45 pm
Esmé says...



Unclear sentence alert = is unclear to me. Means it at some point looses sense, either gramatically or in any other way a sentence can loose sense. E.g:

quote:
But he couldn’t be, and my brother, he was cast out.
That doesn't make much sense, does it?

-elein

Though good story, really.
  





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Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:53 am
tinny says...



Hunter: She started off glowing-ish, like Yorda from Ico, if you've ever played the game. And yeah, at the end she became more human-like and so lost her glow. I figured she'd only start to dull once she realised where she was and what had happened, slowly becoming more aware and more able to distinguish between right and wrong.

I'm still not sure if I'll continue it. This came from a dream, so if I have another one which follows on I might add more.

Thankyou ^^ I'm glad you liked it.


Eleinasari: Right, I think I get what you mean now, and looking back at it, some of the sentances don't make sense, although the did in my head. *jabs frontal lobe* I'll sort it out. Thankyou again ^^
Last edited by tinny on Tue Feb 06, 2007 3:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:55 pm
Myth says...



Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

She came to a door, a heavy door made from metal and when she placed her palm upon it a horrific cold crashed into her skin.


Crashed, in my opinion, is not the right word to use here. I think you mean something like a shock? And 'came' is meant to be 'went'.

She looked up as a strange smell began to seep into the room, it stung her nose and made her sneeze violently, tears welling up in her tiny eyes.


^^^ See quote

“Who are you?” Asked a voice. She shook her head, silent. She didn’t know if she were simply unsure of what to say or had forgotten how to form the words themselves. He waited for her, and then asked again.


I thought this was the girl speaking, and not remembering her own voice, and you introduce a new character. So, I think you could have her knowing it was a male voice before saying ‘He waited...’ That’s just a thought.

…with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his heads


Is it supposed to be ‘heads’ or ‘head’, I image it is the latter.

When she took her hands away from her face there was something else in the room with her [s]now[/s].


You should take out the ‘now’ as it doesn’t really fit.

Though no doubt he’d kill her [s]if she[/s] even if she stayed silent for the rest of her life.


^^^ See quote

*

I don't have much of a review but hey, that was great. You should write a few more short stories, and didn't I say you're a wonderful writer?

And dreams are one of the best inspirations, was it scary though?

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  





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Wed Feb 07, 2007 2:59 pm
tinny says...



Myth: Oh it was a scary scary dream... *shudders* but I guess, in a way, it was fun too 'cos it meant I could write about it ^^

'with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his heads'


Is it supposed to be 'heads' or 'head', I image it is the latter.


Hmm, I'll check it out. I think I just copied and pasted it but knowing me, I could have just invented it in the hope that it was a proper verse (I've done that before) XD

Thanks for looking over it for me, I should be revising this over half-term, or before if I get the chance. Yup.
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Fri Feb 09, 2007 12:20 am
nickelodeon says...



That was really good. It's a really creative idea, and i like how you quoted the bible. Sometimes i saw how the quote hinted at what was coming next, but other times it was sort of random. On the other hand, maybe i just wasn't looking hard enough.
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Fri Feb 09, 2007 12:10 pm
tinny says...



Nickelodeon:Thanks for taking the time to read through this :) I seem to have a habit of littering things with quotes, if it seemed random that's because it was XD I was originally going to have a verse from Genesis too but I couldn't find the one I was thinking of, so I just chopped up the verse I had and scattered it whenever I felt like breaking it up a little.
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Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:05 pm
L says...



this is goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood even though you are standing next to me, gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood
Siggys' suck, I don't know what to say about myself. Doopeydoo...
  





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Wed Feb 14, 2007 3:45 pm
Royboy says...



I don't know about you but if I had a dream like this, I'd be scaaared.

Good story, but perhaps looking over your work and reading it a few times after you've finished might help.
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Forever is composed of nows.
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