Young Writers Society

Just look at me for a moment,
and watch me to take off my wings.
They’ve been hurting my shoulders.
I’m finally strong enough to put them down.

They are grey and tired now,
A reflection of my soul.
And those feathers on the ground...
They just gave up, as I did.

I don’t need the halo either.
It felt good at the beginning,
But now it just gives me headaches.

I’m tired of being Miss Perfection,
Of being your little angel.
I want to be a woman now
And I don’t want or need your protection.

But don’t you worry:
It’s for the best.
I promise I will continue being good,
Just maybe not that innocent.

I need to live my own life now,
To make my own way
And start getting into trouble myself.

Because just now I realized
I don’t need those wings to fly.
I will let my mind wonder
And look for reasons to smile.

I don’t want to see any limits now,
No line on the horizon.
I going to let my feet off the ground,
And start living the impossible.

Hey Adriana! Dogs here with your review today! Ok so this is a really good poem here. Great idea and there is some good imagery but there is some room for improvement as in every piece. I really love the entire metaphor of putting down your wings but I think maybe your focus of this poem should be more on that. More on how you don't want to be an angel anymore, you don't want to wear your wings or your halo anymore. Most of the greatest poems are typically built off of a strong metaphor or several strong metaphors, writing based off of several metaphors is extremely hard so I suggest you just stick to one and that will immediatly make your writing stronger.

Ok so firstly lets take a look at the grammar you have. Personally I'm not a huge fan of doing capitals at the beginning of every sentence in poetry but thats just me. Typically the poem flows better if you don't do capitals at every sentence, also I really would love to see you put some punctuation at the end of your lines, like periods or commas or semi collons or whatever fits best. For example in the first stanza I would suggest you do something like:

Just look at me for a moment,
and watch me take off my wings.
They've been huring my shoulders,
and finally I'm strong enough to put them down.

Ok so thats just a grammatical review of it now lets get to the actually writing part. On my part and most of the best poets are very vivid in their writing, they use choice words to paint an image in the readers head. What I really was looking and hoping that you would do in this piece is for you to describe the wings. How do they look? Are the battered and old? Are the perfet and new? Are they white? Are they grey and old? are the black and plagued? That is the kinda of description I was really looking for, it's that kind of imagery that would make your poem soooo much stronger.

Now from a writing point of view and working on the flow of your piece, which is probablly the most important part of your poetry is the flow. You have a lot of long lines that don't really belong in this piece and that you might want to consider shortening like:

"I promise you I will continue to be good"

This line kinda throws me off, maybe try saying:

I promise I'll continue being good. or: I promise I'll always be good. or: I promise I won't change.

In the 2nd line of the 3rd stanza when you say:

"Please, don't say never again I'm your angel"

this line really gets to me, way too many words and you have a double negative which already throws my dyslexic self off.... sooo maybe try something like:

please don't ever say I'm not your angel. Or try something a little different implying that you don't want to be his angel anymore like: Please don't say I'm your angel.

And finally you keep on saying "but don't you worry". Now repition is good in poetry but typically it's not good when it starts a pattern and then it gets boring because the reading is expecting it, trying mixing up this line and put in different places in the stanzas like at the end or the middle or wherever you want. And maybe try refrasing it and say something like:

Please don't worry.

Same meaning but just helps flow a little bit. Well thats all I really have to say! This piece has lots of potential so keep up the good work!


TuckEr EllsworTh