Young Writers Society

Ladies and gentlemen I am proud to say that I am making my grand return to YWS, although I still won't be on very often at all due to school and my mid-tri finals and tennis tournaments and musical and the play but I will try to do my best! Here's is just a poem I wrote a while back and forgot to post it. This is based on a disney song and can you figure out which one?! Hint it is an older animated clasic . Oh and by the way I kinda put in a made up word in this poem but ya kno I like it and I think it fits. See if you can find out which one it is! Enjoy!!!!

Sitting alone I stare into my searing fire,
consumed by my eternal desire
to be free of this siren's song
that's haunted me for far too long.

Her face sparks in the blazing flame,
with the sun caught in her raven hair.
This devilish witch can't be tamed.
Tormenting my dreams, it's too much to bare.

Dancing out of all control,
her searing eyes scold my very soul.
Her spolding breath burning flesh and bone,
consuming my heart as I sit here alone.

The flame rages like hell fire.
This pyre is filling me with lust and desire,
to feel her flame once again,
and bring my world to a fiery end.

i found it a bit short... i started to get into it and then it seem to finish up... but other then that i enjoyed it... i believe it was well worded... punctuation wise i could find faults but personally i cant spell, etc to save my life... i like it...

'spolding' ... might as well have said 'smouldering,' ya know, or 'smoulding' if you were determined to have the fake word. Okay poem otherwise.

A few things jumped out as weak points:
- Why is the second like of the second stanza partially italicized? I can't think of any sense to it... it doesn't seem particularly important or defining, to be given such royal treatment. Either remove the italics or add some importance and depth to the phrase with emphases and implications elsewhere in the poem.

- There are so many end stops. Almost every line with a comma or period at the end: I couldn't really get into any flow reading this, the punctuation forcing me to take too many pauses where I didn't feel I needed them. Try reading out loud - that's a good indicator of punctuation, usually.

- The rhymes. With the punctuation as it is, each rhyme just felt more painfully forced than it would otherwise; each rhyme felt like a blow to the head, like an over-powering, painful bass rhythm. With the punctuation cleared up, that would be alleviate somewhat, however. You (in one instance) rhyme the same words multiple times, and mostly plain words, in a short poem. And simple rhymes, too. That might be acceptable in a poem intended to have parallelism and deep meaning, and/or an epic, but here it just ruins the romanticizing mood for me. Also, just noticed, "bare" at the end of the second stanza should be "bear."

That's about it for the critique bit. What I liked: the speaker's emotions seem fairly legitimate/sincere, although the aforementioned issues negate that somewhat. There is a good consistency of image - you have one specific range of metaphor and you stick to it. Good practice in such a short piece; chaos can work in short poems too, but is harder to manage with the same ease, unless it really comes from not just the speaker but the author as well, haha.

Overall, a good start with room for definite improvement. Keep writing!