Young Writers Society

Hello.

No matter how many times I read through this, my eyes get caught on "moon." I believe it is the lack of punctuation in this poem. There is no natural stop after that word, while my eyes want there to be a pause there. If you add in a period after "moon" then you'd give us that natural stop, and provide a nice separation between the first and second halves of the poem. The tone shifts at that point, so a period would work nicely.

Past that one thing, I found this a very simple poem. It's well metered and generally has a good flow (past one rhyme the second half: sky/I; I only point it out because the first half had no rhyme, which could be another reason I was thrown off by "moon") and it works as a light and fluffy poem. It's rather sweet.

Overall, I'd look at the "moon" line. It could be one of the reasons I get stuck there is tone/moon almost rhyme but not quite, so I half register a rhyme and get a bit confused (I read this over three times for rhyme and meter).

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey

Hi aseel!

Reading the first versus the second version of your poem, the second is far more interesting! I had to look up the French, but it is gorgeous! I think you should definitely keep the language you have there, and consider adding more French to your second stanza. It's a beautiful language and the duality is working really well in terms of the narrator speaking against the sky.

On the whole you have a beautiful little poem here which works very well in the Lyric poetry. It has a wonderful feel to it which carries across the stanzas easily. I'd consider losing most of your caps at the start of the lines, unless they begin a sentence. But that's something in preference, I like poetry to seem as natural and as off-the-cuff as possible. This means I look for conversational touches in syntax (sentence structure) and punctuation.

I'm also not feeling "The noise of silence", I understand the juxtaposition you're going for here, but it's something too obvious for me. Not least because you continue into words and sound, which immediately negates the concept. White noise might work, but again would be a bit obvious against the soft structure you have going currently. The kind of rustic simplicity you have is sweet and I'd keep that at all costs. This is a poem about a simple love, a dream, and I think it works excellently as such.

You should be pleased with this! Try and include more of your own tongue, though, I'd love to see you expand with a mix of cultures which the bilingual have.

Any queries, hit me up.
-Penguin

Hi there aseel!

Parles-tu le français?

This is a very sweet poem that you have here. I agree with PenguinAttack that the second is much more appealing. With the French mixed in, I think it's more brilliant than all English - and, in a way, slightly more lyrical.

However, I'm disappointed that you didn't incorporate some French lines into your second stanza! I think it would tie everything together much better and continue the bilingual style of your poem. Because right now, the first stanza is really nice whereas the second is still kind of disappointing and a little boring.

As for some other nitpicks:

Ils a chanté pour toi.

Correction: Ils ont chanté pour toi.

And, as I've mentioned, I think you should incorporate some French into the second stanza. How? Where? It's actually up to you as the poet ^^ but I think if you started the first line of the second stanza, it would be interesting, instead of always having the French every second line. The first line could go something like: J'ai fermé mes yeux pour un moment. That's a literal translation and you might have to tweak it in order to find a rhyme for another French line following.

Anyway, I really liked this! C'est un poème très beau et bien écrit!

Yours,
Lavvie

Hi!

First of all... er... why are you writing in orange? It looks kind of strange.

Anyway! I definitely like the French version better... I mean, I think it's cool, so maybe I am biased, but I think it's much prettier than the version you have up there! And, like Penguin, I would probably integrate more of the French in there. It's just cooler that way!

However! You can totally make the English version work too... just replace "tone" with "tune." The word "tune" makes it more lyrical anyway... and gives it a little bit more personality too. And it'll help your rhyming scheme as well, since "tune" and "moon" go with each other.

As far as the metering goes... er... this looks a little weird!

I closed my eyes for a moment, <-- 8 syllables
Then looked at the sky <-- 5 syllables
Dreamed of a happy family, <-- 8 syllables
She, you and I <-- 4 syllables

I mean, it's almost even with itself in this stanza. But, it just seems a little bit odd because in the first stanza (as far as English goes... not sure of the French) each of the stanzas is six syllables long. And then suddenly it changes. So, it just seems to be a little awkward here. Just thought you should know!

Hope this helps!

Hi PenguinAttack

First of all, Thanks a lot. I'm really glad that you liked my poem. Well, I my self like second version.

You should be pleased with this!

No doubt I'm very pleased with it.

Try and include more of your own tongue, though, I'd love to see you expand with a mix of cultures which the bilingual have.

In fact, if I including of my own tongue won't be understood, probably. Because not English nor French is my tongue, it's Arabic.

Again I thank you very much.

Hello Lavvie

oui, je parle française. Un peu, c'est-à-dire.

However, I'm disappointed that you didn't incorporate some French lines into your second stanza! I think it would tie everything together much better and continue the bilingual style of your poem. Because right now, the first stanza is really nice whereas the second is still kind of disappointing and a little boring.

I agree with you, so I'll try to add some French lines there.

Correction: Ils ont chanté pour toi.

Oh ya, that's right. I have a problem with conjugation.

Merci mill fois

Snoink....
Hi,

About your first question, I just like the orange, that's all.

However! You can totally make the English version work too... just replace "tone" with "tune." The word "tune" makes it more lyrical anyway... and gives it a little bit more personality too. And it'll help your rhyming scheme as well, since "tune" and "moon" go with each other.

This helps a lot. I never knew the word "tune" before.

I mean, it's almost even with itself in this stanza. But, it just seems a little bit odd because in the first stanza (as far as English goes... not sure of the French) each of the stanzas is six syllables long. And then suddenly it changes. So, it just seems to be a little awkward here. Just thought you should know!

Well, I don't find it that much strange, but thanks for telling me.