Young Writers Society

In Our life time
We've got to face many changes
Some make us as good as can be
But some make you suffer
Worse than your wildest dreams.

You'll hang on to those
Who've sworn to be loyal
As the party proceeds
You've got more by your side
those who are your own.

Hold on some more
There's more to come
Go ahead and trust them
With everything you've got
Wait and watch what shall come to pass.

Mark my words, people
That unfortunate day too shall come
When the masquerade shall end
And the masks fall down
Revealing the true identities.

I know my words are harsh
But this my wisdom speaking
For long I've been here
And seen all the parties
Seen all the masks falling down.

Seen the beautiful swan
That turned out to be the snake
Seen the lovely nightingale
Which happened to be the Lioness

Protect yourselves well
For the end is soon approaching
The party shall end then
Time for the truth to come
Crashing down on you.

In Our life time
We've got to face many changes
Some make us as good as can be
But some make you suffer
Worse than your wildest dreams. My two complaints about this are that 1) It's too blunt and dull, it simply states what the metaphor is, and really we should be able to decipher this on our own, no? This may just be opinion, but to me if felt more like the opening of a school essay than a poem. My second complaint is that 2) You hint at a bit of a rhyme scheme, but it's very weak. Ditch it, and let this thing fall into free-verse, or find a way to tie it together a little more tightly.

Hold on some more
There's more to come
Go ahead and trust them
With everything you've got
Wait and watch what shall come to pass. I have issues with the lines in red. Once again, I just find them too blunt. I'm not saying that poetry has to be lacy and formal and overly-elegant, but to me this is just cutting to the bone, not giving this poem any skin or muscle.

Overall though, I thought this was honestly a really interesting concept that could possibly be improved on, but is pretty nice as-is. I hope this was helpful to you in some way, and that you didn't take this review harshly. This really was a nice poem, I just felt like picking it apart a bit could give a little insight.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hello there. :3
I am here, finally.

harshita3chaarag wrote:In Our life time
We've got to face many changes
Some make us as good as can be
But some make you suffer
Worse than your wildest dreams.

Okay so I won’t go into capitalization and all because it could have been intentional or not but I think you can take care of that. So, the main thing that I found disturbing in this stanza is that you suddenly changed from plural to singular. So this drastic change from “we” to “you” is a bit disturbing. Maybe you could fix that over here. And here in the third line it would be, “some make us as good as we can be”.

harshita3chaarag wrote:You'll hang on to those
Who've sworn to be loyal
As the party proceeds
You've got more by your side
those who are your own.

I can understand what’s happening in this stanza but the material in it is not put together well. You could have used much better words to convey your emotions here. This seems like just some plain text put together to make some sentence but to make your emotions pop out you need to use some strong words. Do you get what I am talking about here? Because generally, people do not understand what I’m saying. xD

harshita3chaarag wrote:I know my words are harsh
But this my wisdom speaking
For long I've been here
And seen all the parties
Seen all the masks falling down.

It should be “But this is my wisdom speaking”. And the use of seen one after another in such small intervals tends to break the flow thingy.



I found the idea really interesting comparing our lives to a masquerade in which people show their true colors some day or the other. I really like it very much but it is a bit too cliché at some places and too simple. I know that I should say whether it is too simple to be good or not but I feel that it could have contained a few strong ones.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.