Young Writers Society

Lament, Exhortation No. 231


harbouring commandos beneath your basement stairs,
shotgun hit the hallway walls, they fall in putrid pairs.
never were the woods so dense as when you burnt them down.
tally me among the dead, and watch your daughters drown.

tender stipends, careless grace,
anger on your aging face,
follow fabric by the seam,
rip it, burn it, die and dream.

callous hand and callous heart dispel the kinder soul,
damn the knives that carved the man that time and torment stole.
harbouring an army built to allocate the bile,
vengeance unescorted, unintended, in denial.

altered ego, aging child,
deeply loving, roughly wild,
follow fabric by the seam,
cut it, stitch it, sigh and scream.

leave behind your anger, leave behind your guns and men.
sew the seams you’ve broken, be who you once were, again.

.

This is was amazing to read! I even had to read it three times! It's deeply moving in that it speaks to your senses and makes you question what you're reading. I love how it has this easy rythmical flow yet serious tone.

My favorite part would probably be

" tender stipends, careless grace,
anger on your aging face,
follow fabric by the seam,
rip it, burn it, die and dream."

And

"altered ego, aging child,
deeply loving, roughly wild,
follow fabric by the seam,
cut it, stitch it, sigh and scream."

There's just something about those stanzas that get to me. Awesome job on this poem!!!!!
Oops, almost forgot, Really loved the last two lines!

leave behind your anger, leave behind your guns and men.
sew the seams you’ve broken, be who you once were, again.

Keep Writing...

I don't think I've read a more beautiful poem. This was absolutely BRILLIANT, and I can't think of a single way to improve it, because it's already so amazing. The second stanza was my favourite bit, too. The rhythm was smooth and the phrases you used were magical. I loved the part which said 'Tally me among the dead and watch your daughters drown.' You can really see the lament in this.
Keep writing!!!

Lilchoma,

Now this indeed is a lyrical piece! Well-done This reads and flows so well, it made me want to read it a few times. The rhyming is subtle and impeccably, great job, I know how challenging that is. But more importantly, great sense of rhythm. This is perfect to read out loud. It has a nice jingle to it xD

shotgun hit thethrough? hallway walls, they fall in putrid pairs.

I made the correction but on second thought, it's the bullet that goes through the walls, not the shotgun xD Ah, slightly problematic. But somehow "the" just didn't cut it.

never were the woods so dense as when you burnt them down.
tally me among the dead, and watch your daughters drown.

So chilling! LOVED this!

altered ego, aging child,
deeply loving, roughly wild,
follow fabric by the seam,
cut it, stitch it, sigh and scream.

I'm loving these lines. Maybe it's because it's 5AM and I've been at this all night, but I must say...I get this image in the back of my head of the whole "bop it, pull it, twist it" I know that is just AWFUL to say and I should be ashamed because this is a very serious piece xD What I love about it though, truly, is that you managed to juxtapose a very cheery, sort of melodic beat. Something you can clap and tap your feet to--and yet the subject is really so dark xD Excellent! This is just my cup of tea.

leave behind your anger, leave behind your guns and men.
sew the seams you’ve broken, be who you once were, again.

Ah, absolutely loved the ending. You did such a great job with this. I would love to read more of your works! Please keep writing!

~ As Always Audy