Young Writers Society

Just tell this to me, my life.
How did partners in the path
of life turn out to become strangers?
How did the flowers wither?
How was the moon extinguished
of it beautiful, cool flame?
Where is the warmth which was
in my arms, under my sight, till yesterday?
Neither is there the style nor the voice
which separated me from others.
Where has the softness gone?
Just tell this to me, my life.
Neither you were unfaithful nor me,
then why did the feelings have to
go into an endless sleep? I love you
and you love me, then how did
these distances get in our way?
Just tell this to me, my life.

This is a definite, strong poem with another strong message within it. It has a peculiarity with the word choice, but it all sounds right. The address to life sounds daring and questioning at the same time - I can't find an error in it that might not be a matter of personal preference. It's a steady-on-its-feet poem, and I respect that. Something I might say is the doubled use of "neither... nor", which could be seen as overuse by some people. While it does have its place in the poem, and it sounds like it fits when the piece is read aloud, it looks a bit clunky and awkward on the page.

Oh I really adore this. It is a poem which displays the emotion that most of us girls have been through. It is bitter sweet in a way but also very relatable. Well done! The "my life" in the poem, I'm guessing that is refering to the title of the person whom the poem is about? is it? Also, "these distances" sounds a bit odd, I'm sure it was intentional though, was it? Lastly, the "neither you, were unfaithful, nor me" and "neither the style nor the voice", the repetition of the neither/nor did not quite fork for me, i could not make sense of the first one too, what "style" are you talking about here. overall I enjoyed reading this, like I said, it has a personal yet relateable feel. thanks for writing it.

xoxo,
"B"

Oh, Ehte, boyo.

It’s nice to see an ode to woe from you. You handle it so much differently than others, I think, and so that should give you some reassurance in the middle of this poem when you ask where has my voice gone? and all life can do is giggle. Well, as you’ll obviously guess, this is a fairly universal thing for folks, so you don’t have much of a task in front of you to make it understandable. That said, however, you do have a task in front of you to make it quality, so that’s what I’m going to zoom in on tonight.

Now, something that’s a struggle here, and something that I struggle with, is the precise value of words. When you take each little word and hold it in your hand, you should be able to say, without a doubt, this word belongs here and is a vital cell of this poem. Now, that’s obviously not the case, so let’s begin with some trimming. And I’ll start with your refrained duo, my life.

Since this is a universally accessible poem, you don’t need my, I think. Now, it feels odd for me to say ‘nix this repeated word’ because you’re the poet, and not me. But you instigate these questions that just seems to be addressed to the harlot that life is in general, and the remaining possessives and personal quips make up the difference.

A different form of trimming comes at you when you reach “How did the flowers wither?” It’s an image, but it’s very basic. I’m not one of the poets around here who will swear that everything must have an adjective and every adjective have a helper, and so on, so I’m not going to insist that you really do anything about this line. It’s just a consideration that you could bring in an image that, even while basic, can bolster another point in this poem. Does that make sense? Some images are used to complement one another, bring out the best in one another—and that makes for beautiful poetry. And I think that this line with the flowers is a prime example of a place where that can be done without losing much of anything you have.

I love your moon description. Love it.

“Neither is there the style nor the voice which separated me from others.” This is probably my favorite quote from the piece, but it’s phrased in a way that you don’t often see. It’s not wrong, though. I just wanted to bolster that.

The remainder of the poem is very lyrical, but your last line leaves me a tad disappointed. Unfortunately, I’m awful with last lines, so that’s all I have for you.

I hope this helps, but let me know if you have questions or comments.

-Lumi