Young Writers Society

I write this slowly.
Each word engraved,
With the pain of my heart.
I can only think back.
Back to your hurt shouts,
To the tears in your eyes.

I can feel my own self,
Slipping and falling.
I hold onto hope.
That you'll forgive me,
For all the pain I have caused.

And as the words fall onto paper,
I can feel my heart breaking.
And I wonder if this pain
Is what I caused you a mere day ago.
The guilt eats me away.

What can I do to make it up?
I can only say I'm sorry, sister.
I'm sorry and I love you.
But you don't want to,
To hear those words.

I wait here anxiously,
Afraid to lose you.
I have to give you time.
To cool, to be able to see
That the mistake I made
Wasn't intentional.

I can't bear this waiting game.
I need to know now
if you want me to leave.
I feel so broken within.
But only time can heal
The scars I've caused.

I guess I can only pray.
Pray for you to love me again.
With tears in my eyes
And a broken heart.
I struggle to find myself again.

Such a sad poem and yet beautifully written.

The emotions in the poem really stand out to the reader and make it easy to understand that the person who's point of view (Who I can only assume is yourself) it's written from, is truely sorry for whatever they have done.

Wonderful work. /Thumbs up

Hi!

First of all, I have to say that I really liked the subject of this piece. It's about hurting someone and feeling bad about it after you did it, and not knowing whether the person will forgive you. I was a little confused about who the narrator of the poem had hurt, though. In this part:

Soulkana wrote:What can I do to make it up?
I can only say I'm sorry, sister.
I'm sorry and I love you.
But you don't want to,
To hear those words.

you say that it's your sister who you are apologizing to, but up until this point in the piece, i thought that it was someone you had been in a relationship with that you had hurt. If you definitely want it to be about your sister, I would suggest adding something close to the beginning of the piece so the reader has a clearer picture in their mind of what is going on. I think it would be cool to make it a letter to your sister, since at the beginning you say that you're writing.

There are some punctuations that I would change, and some little words that I would change here and there, but for the most part I think this poem is really good. Keep writing!

~Amylith

Hey there =] I found this and thought I'd give you a review. So, the first stanza starts of really strong. You've improved so much since you first started working with emotion. The words and just. how you say them is really quite beautiful. The first stanza is probably my favorite. But as you move down, it just seems a bit more forced. You want to keep that same strength and meaningfulness throughout it all and it just fades a bit for me. That may be because you started out with a stanza that is so strong that its hard to make the other stanzas stronger.

But you're greatly improving on emotion. You're showing us these different aspects of it all instead of just saying "i'm sad. I'm afraid I'm going to lose you" You give us a lot of information about how the MC goes through things. I think you did really well with this piece. Great job =]

Hi there! I love the poem, it's really good and well, full of pain.

Back to your hurt shouts,

I didn't really understand this line, if you don't mind can you make it a bit clearer?

Other than that it's really good. Hope the pain's less and your life's easier. Keep up the good work.

Hi there!
This poem has some amazing imagery.

And as the words fall onto paper,
I can feel my heart breaking.

-That's my favourite part.
Beautiful job, not much to critique, so good on you
Keep Writing,
-Briggsy